To ask to FaceTime my grandson .

Sorry but you’re all wrong. My feelings are of natural hurt by being rejected by someone. I feel the vibes coming from her so why are you seeing her as the victim?
I have many examples of this rejection such as not being allowed in to see my gs when he was tiny and in hospital with suspected meningitis, how we were treated as mere guests as their wedding ( my son had to put his foot down about allowing us to sit at the top table alongside her own parents)!
I did not react in any way and we had a wonderful time anyway and I am always friendly and supportive of her when we are together.

Happygran1964

I appreciate that and yes she is very quiet but a bit of give and take is necessary to keep things pleasant don’t you think.
My daughter doesn’t have any contact with her MIL as her partner doesn’t want her in their lives, she’s a very disturbed woman who had all of her children taken from her by SS.

Not really. Being pleasant is what makes a pleasant relationship.
And you’ve already said she’s fine.

She’s just not dancing to your tune.
The reason a lot of modern women don’t do the whole your family becomes my family stuff is because the woman usually took on 100% of the mental and physical load of both family duties.
Maintaining contact, buying presents etc

My husband is my family. His family are his family. Some of them are nice. And I enjoy the time we spend together.
But I haven’t chosen them as friends. So why would I go out of my way to communicate?

You can feel your unpleasant emotions towards her through your posts.
So trust me she knows.

How is your dil not being pleasant?

She is not as engaged as you wish she would be - totally different animal

It is up to your son to do the give and take, not your dil

Thanks anyone, I will leave things as they are as I don’t want any family disharmony.
Thanks for all the replies. X

I appreciate that and yes she is very quiet but a bit of give and take is necessary to keep things pleasant don’t you think.
My daughter doesn’t have any contact with her MIL as her partner doesn’t want her in their lives, she’s a very disturbed woman who had all of her children taken from her by SS.

Maybe she is an introvert? Maybe personalities don't mesh?

You and your dil can be great people but have nothing in common.

The misconception that your ILs have to be your friend is very damaging.

Relationships grow overtime an organically.
Your dil and her mother have cultivated theirs for many decades.

Do you think your daughter's mil complain of the same things you are writing here?

Doodledog I would be fearful of pushing her even further away to be honest.

I have bent over backwards to be nice and a good mil, in fact my other DILs say they really appreciate how I am and we all get on really well.
I would love to have this again but she doesn’t seem to want it.

Hi there
That’s the thing, there has never been a cross word between us, she’s very polite but distant and a little cold. She doesn’t talk to my daughter or other sons and their wives. As I say she’s polite but I have to do all the conversation making, I really think she just doesn’t like us for some unknown reason.

You sound very sad, Happygran, and I feel for you.

It does seem very unfair that you are treated so differently, but there may be something going on that you don't know about. How do you know that the other gran gets to hold the baby? Does it happen when you are there?

Unless you know of a reason why your son might object, I suspect that this is coming from your DIL, and she might not realise how hurt you are - would it be possible for the two of you to talk calmly about it?

You and your dil clearly dont see eye to eye.

Something happened that manifests in a cordial and distant relationship with her.

If she doesnt get along with you, it is clear you wont get the same relationships with her and the baby as if you had an amicable and close relationship.
The relationship with the parents define the relationship with their children.

What your dil and the other grandma do =/ you get to do it too.

Being a grandparent is not a competition

The other gran sees our gs three or four times a week as she doesn’t work and goes out with my DIL during the day which is great, I did the same with my daughter and granddaughters.

We don’t know that though do we?
She allows her mother to hold the baby but not me because I work with children.
It could be that my son doesn’t want to but as I say I would rather know the truth.

It is also not recommendable to play the "fair game" between grandparents.

The other grandparent may get more facetime and no videos or pictures. They may facetime less frequently than you think.

It is no use blaming dil for no facetime.

She is clearly ok with her husband sending you videos and pictures.
It is your son who is only willing to do texts.

I wouldn't get too upset by it. FaceTime can be a real nuisance, IMO. I hate it, and I only answer if it is my daughter, and even then I turn my phone so that I'm not visible . I find it incredibly intrusive, and know others who feel likewise.

I'm someone who (whilst being very sociable) really dislikes the idea of people 'dropping in' unannounced, and think that FaceTime is on a par with that. I want to be able to relax in my own home without feeling that I have to be 'visitor ready' at all times, and that I have to be available whether I want to be or not. If I also had a 10 month old baby I would feel that even more, yet arranging a call would be difficult to organise around a baby's mealtimes, naps and so on.

Maybe when he's a bit older and has more of a predictable routine your DIL might feel happier with it, but if you pressure her at this stage it could become a problem. My advice would be to back off for now, and not to take it personally. I understand your feeling upset that the 'other granny' gets to FaceTime, but that could just be because your DIL can't say no to her mum.

Happygran1964 just a thought but have you tried just taking the initiative and making a video call and hope they answer? They don’t need to answer if it’s not a good time but they might even be happy to receive it. Just try to avoid what might be dinner time or too close to baby’s bedtime.
If they don’t answer the call don’t feel hurt. Just follow up with a text saying you were just trying to catch them at a good time to see the 3 of them for a couple of mins as you’re missing them.

Happygran, yes I can see you're hurt, especially since the other gran Facetimes without any problem. We, I mean, mothers of sons, come low in the pecking order, which is understandable, I suppose. Having said that, my daughter was always mindful of not giving me preference over her motherinlaw.?

Illte
But maybe my DIL doesn’t want him to do it and he feels like piggy in the middle.
He is usually really fair about making sure we have some opportunities to see our little gs so I am thinking my thoughts are probably correct.
I will just leave it as I don’t want to cause any strife.

But it's not they. It's up to your son.

Thanks Crazy
I think it’s more that I don’t understand why they won’t just be upfront about it and also why other gran doing it doesn’t seem to be a problem.
Confusing ?

Happygran, don't be too upset. FaceTime is very difficult to arrange especially when you have a little baby. I'm not very comfortable with Facetiming. Reason - some of my 'contacts' are very conscious about how they look etc. I remember one reminding me to text her before I facetimed. I suppose if a mutually convenient time is arranged .....

Thanks everyone.
Vickysponge, that’s it really, I would just like to know why they don’t want to do it.
I always prefer honesty in all matters.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to ask if they could FaceTime with your grandson. Especially as they FaceTime the other grand parents. I’d ask why they ignore your request and what the reason is. Good luck I hope you get to see him soon. ?

I know, my MIL talked to me more than she talked to her son. But times have changed?