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AIBU

To ask to FaceTime my grandson .

(65 Posts)
Happygran1964 Mon 12-Oct-20 18:21:00

My son and DIL had my little grandson back in January. Because of Covid we have not seen a lot of him and that’s ongoing.
I have asked if I can FaceTime him once a week so that he can see us and get to know our faces and voices. My son keeps saying yes but it never happens, they just ignore it.
This has happened several times now and I don’t know whether to ask outright if they don’t want to do this or just forget the idea.
What do you think?

Iam64 Mon 12-Oct-20 18:22:40

Is there any reason you don't feel able to ask outright?
Do you FaceTime your son? If you do, he could probably have his little one on his knee so you can enjoy seeing them together.

Happygran1964 Mon 12-Oct-20 18:27:04

No my son only texts, he has slight autism and doesn’t like using the phone.
I just don’t want to upset him as he likes everyone to be happy. My DIL is very close to her own family and seems to resent myself and my husband for some reason.

Bibbity Mon 12-Oct-20 18:28:24

Honestly. I’d stop asking. It’s completely pointless. He is 10 months old!
He will not sit still. He will more than likely just try to grab the device and try and throw it.
As a parent who has attempted to FaceTime my sister in Australia it’s just not worth it.
He won’t get anything out of it and it would just cause them a lot of stress. I can see why you want it to happen but what’s best for them comes first here.

Happygran1964 Mon 12-Oct-20 18:31:11

Bibbity, that’s fair enough and makes sense, it’s just the other gran FaceTimes which seems a little odd. Thank you.

Hithere Mon 12-Oct-20 18:31:36

You would have better chances of a weekly facetime if you have placed the request in a different way - being able to see the whole family: son, dil and baby.

Expressing interest in only building a facetime relationship with a child is a huge mistake the grandparents make very often

Facetiming weekly a 9 month old - what are the benefits for the child? I don't see many.

If you have asked several times and facetime hasn't happened, I would not ask again.
They are clearly not interested in your suggestion.

Do you talk on the phone? Emails? How is your relationship with them? Does your son send you pics and videos?

Happygran1964 Mon 12-Oct-20 18:36:07

Hithere

I already explained that my son only feels comfortable texting but he did agree it was a good idea for my grandson to see and hear us.
My son and I text everyday. I text my DIL frequently but she rarely replies.

Hithere Mon 12-Oct-20 18:49:55

Sorry I missed that message.

"No my son only texts, he has slight autism and doesn’t like using the phone."

So he likes using the phone for certain things and not others.

Does he like facetiming? Would it be him initiating the weekly sessions or your dil?

"I just don’t want to upset him as he likes everyone to be happy. My DIL is very close to her own family and seems to resent myself and my husband for some reason"
This is important info.
You also said that you text you dil and she rarely replies.
Was it always like this or something changed?

If your son thinks something is important enough for him, he would make it happen.

You have so much time post covid to have a relationship with your gc.

Hithere Mon 12-Oct-20 18:51:18

Forgot to say, what's the point of frequently messaging your dil if she is not on the same page with you? Why not stop the messaging?

Illte Mon 12-Oct-20 18:53:51

I guess the mum facetimes her parents with the baby and expects her husband to facetime his parents, which is why it seems lopsided.

And I guess the same applies to texts. I only text my DIL if I've got something specific to ask or tell her and I don't text one Sil at all, ever, unless it was an emergency.

Obviously she sees keeping in touch with his parents as your sons role not hers

WOODMOUSE49 Mon 12-Oct-20 18:59:06

If he doesn't mind texting, why not make one more suggestion: he takes a photo of grandson and attaches it to his text.

V3ra Mon 12-Oct-20 19:07:34

Do you all have WhatsApp on your phones? It's a great way to share photos and video clips for free, and just as simple and user-friendly as a text.
My daughter tried making facetime calls to us during lockdown with our three year old granddaughter, but after a couple of minutes she was anywhere but in view!
We stick to WhatsApp messages now.

Happygran1964 Mon 12-Oct-20 19:10:45

Yes I guess I’m just old fashioned and can’t get my head around the ‘my family’, ‘your family’ mentality. When I married both of my husbands I didn’t see his family as being his job and my family mine, we were/are just family.

Happygran1964 Mon 12-Oct-20 19:13:00

I must say that my son is great at sending me videos and photos and I always tell them I’m really grateful for that.

Hithere Mon 12-Oct-20 19:19:07

That's great! I am so glad your son is in such close communication with you.

Illte Mon 12-Oct-20 19:20:31

I know, my MIL talked to me more than she talked to her son. But times have changed🙂

Vickysponge Mon 12-Oct-20 19:26:27

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to ask if they could FaceTime with your grandson. Especially as they FaceTime the other grand parents. I’d ask why they ignore your request and what the reason is. Good luck I hope you get to see him soon. 💐

Happygran1964 Mon 12-Oct-20 19:28:29

Thanks everyone.
Vickysponge, that’s it really, I would just like to know why they don’t want to do it.
I always prefer honesty in all matters.

crazyH Mon 12-Oct-20 19:34:04

Happygran, don't be too upset. FaceTime is very difficult to arrange especially when you have a little baby. I'm not very comfortable with Facetiming. Reason - some of my 'contacts' are very conscious about how they look etc. I remember one reminding me to text her before I facetimed. I suppose if a mutually convenient time is arranged .....

Happygran1964 Mon 12-Oct-20 19:41:38

Thanks Crazy
I think it’s more that I don’t understand why they won’t just be upfront about it and also why other gran doing it doesn’t seem to be a problem.
Confusing 😕

Illte Mon 12-Oct-20 19:44:48

But it's not they. It's up to your son.

Happygran1964 Mon 12-Oct-20 19:53:23

Illte
But maybe my DIL doesn’t want him to do it and he feels like piggy in the middle.
He is usually really fair about making sure we have some opportunities to see our little gs so I am thinking my thoughts are probably correct.
I will just leave it as I don’t want to cause any strife.

crazyH Mon 12-Oct-20 19:55:48

Happygran, yes I can see you're hurt, especially since the other gran Facetimes without any problem. We, I mean, mothers of sons, come low in the pecking order, which is understandable, I suppose. Having said that, my daughter was always mindful of not giving me preference over her motherinlaw.😂

Grannynannywanny Mon 12-Oct-20 19:58:10

Happygran1964 just a thought but have you tried just taking the initiative and making a video call and hope they answer? They don’t need to answer if it’s not a good time but they might even be happy to receive it. Just try to avoid what might be dinner time or too close to baby’s bedtime.
If they don’t answer the call don’t feel hurt. Just follow up with a text saying you were just trying to catch them at a good time to see the 3 of them for a couple of mins as you’re missing them.

Doodledog Mon 12-Oct-20 20:03:03

I wouldn't get too upset by it. FaceTime can be a real nuisance, IMO. I hate it, and I only answer if it is my daughter, and even then I turn my phone so that I'm not visible grin. I find it incredibly intrusive, and know others who feel likewise.

I'm someone who (whilst being very sociable) really dislikes the idea of people 'dropping in' unannounced, and think that FaceTime is on a par with that. I want to be able to relax in my own home without feeling that I have to be 'visitor ready' at all times, and that I have to be available whether I want to be or not. If I also had a 10 month old baby I would feel that even more, yet arranging a call would be difficult to organise around a baby's mealtimes, naps and so on.

Maybe when he's a bit older and has more of a predictable routine your DIL might feel happier with it, but if you pressure her at this stage it could become a problem. My advice would be to back off for now, and not to take it personally. I understand your feeling upset that the 'other granny' gets to FaceTime, but that could just be because your DIL can't say no to her mum.