To ask to FaceTime my grandson .

Wise words lizziesmom,gransnet is so helpful.A lot of very kind people and very thought provoking.

HappyGran, you should, indeed, forget the whole idea for now. It's just not practical and your requests can easily be seen as demands.

Not many folk want to keep a regular FaceTime 'appointment' and be tethered to the screen for a set time!

My mother got into the habit of phoning me at work, every Tuesday afternoon, with all her (very trivial, boring) 'news'. I couldn't get a word in edgeways (or any work done) - and it drove me mad.

Eventually, I told her to stop phoning as my manager had given me a verbal warning about it (a lie, to soften the blow).
Now, I'm extra careful not to chat for too long with my busy kids!

You don't seem too happy of a grandmother, HappyGran? My mother in law had this problem too. She thought becoming a grandma would be the happiest time in her life (weird?--was not motherhood the happiest time? I digress...). However mismatched expectations and these dreamy ideals one tends to have in their head rarely, if ever, play out in real life. What you imagined being a grandma would be like will not likely be reality. And as adults we need to suck it up, accept it, and make peace within ourselves for our own sanity. Is it easy? Of course not! But I have read many wise words stating a grandparent's main role is on the sidelines, or backseat. Just watch from afar, let them know you are avail any time, give lots of love and kind words, add no unnecessary tension or discord, and I can promise you will be met with open arms when they are ready. Best wishes.

I think Happygran based on your previous posts you have damaged the relationship with your dil (you thinking about your own needs when her baby was in hospital was probably an absolute deal breaker for her).

Therefore she maintains her distance and expects your son to communicate with you. He doesn’t like FaceTime so it simply doesn’t happen. It seems like your dil has reached a point where she feels no responsibility towards you and from other posts I’m afraid this is of your own making.

Agree with everything you said Nansnet!

Hello.I totally agree with nansnet and I have taken your post on board.I have a son,and I don't think I appreciate how busy he is plus they have two children under three.I know it hurts so much right now but there are a lot of us in your situation so I feel for you.Our grandchildren are safe and hopefully we can all cuddle soon.take care.x

Happygran1964, I can understand how you are feeling, but I really do think that maybe you're reading more into this than what it actually is. I'm in the same situation, and I've not seen my little GD for several months due to Covid/flight restrictions.

We all know it's a fact that daughters mostly gravitate towards their own mothers, rather than their MiL, so it can only be expected that your DiL sees/facetimes her own mum regularly. I have a good relationship with my DiL, but I wouldn't expect her to facetime me. As others have said, that's really up to your son to make the effort to facetime you ... or perhaps you could take the initiative and facetime him occasionally?

I know for a fact that my DiL facetimes her parents more regularly that our son contacts us ... I think that's a basic difference between sons and daughters. However, as time has gone on, our son has started to voice his concerns that our little GC isn't going to remember/recongnise us, so he's actually started to facetime us a couple of times each week. I'm very conscious of the fact that they have busy lives, so I tend not to try to call them too often, as I don't want to become that annoying grandparent, calling them when it's not convenient. And I don't get offended if they don't answer my call on the odd occasion that I do.

So, my advice is, it's completely natural for your DiL to call her own mother/father, and not call you. You shouldn't expect her to, regardless of your relationship with her. It's completely natural for you son to be lax in making contact with you ... sons are generally not as good at it as daughters! Try to facetime your son (but not too often!), and just ask how things are going with them, but don't expect to have a big long converstaion, and time chatting to your grandchild ... it simply won't happen! And like someone else said, if he doesn't answer, just follow up with a quick message to say you just wanted see how things are going with them all, and maybe he could facetime you when it's convenient, as you'd love to 'Hi' to your little GS!

Our GD is 2, and we're lucky if we get to see her for a full minute ... but she's always happy to blow us kiss and wave goodbye, which makes it all worth it!

I only have experience of sons and DILs, I’m sure a mother-daughter relationship is a lot closer especially when the children come along. I guess it’s natural.

BlueSky

Happygran all that sounds familiar, I wonder if it’s a common problems with sons and DILs? Is it different when it’s our daughters and SILs?

I think a lot of it is that wives expect their husbands to do the role of social secretary (wife work) with their own family. Most of today’s grandmothers took over that role them selves when they married, so they expect it would be similar in their children’s families.

The disconnect and discontent happens when the daughter-in-law isn’t acting as the mother-in-law expects, and the mother-in-law isn’t getting as many calls or visits as she expects and blames the daughter-in-law, when in fact it’s her own child who has dropped the ball

Happygran all that sounds familiar, I wonder if it’s a common problems with sons and DILs? Is it different when it’s our daughters and SILs?

Illte,
OP has a family that doesnt live up to her standards

From:
1. Not seeing her first gc as often as she would like
2. overgifting presents to gc and not understanding why the parents were mad, 3. not being included in this song's wedding and preparations,
4.her adult children not having the relationship she would like them to have, 5. not being able to see her gc born this January
6. now the facetime request, etc.

Clear pattern that her expectations are not met.

Wasn't it Happygran who was complaining that she couldn't just pop in to see her great-grandson whenever she wanted?
Because the grandsons wife wouldn't be part of Happygrans "united family".

Hmm, bit of a pattern? Or just a stir it up post?

I tend to think there is something wrong here, which is not being addressed. Could very well go back to the meningitis, when it must have been completely traumatising for them. I really would step right back, put your energy into your other children/ grandchildren, and give these two space. My friend’s little boy had meningitis when around 18 months, and it was a few years before they could relax. You have other family. Enjoy them, and let your son and DIL come to you when they’re ready. If you keep pushing, you’ll more than likely push them away.

Their baby was hospitalized with meningitis. Do you know how serious that is? Their baby could have DIED. Many cases of meningitis also require the patient to be on isolation precautions.

Their baby being hospitalized was never about you and you are being VERY unreasonable to have expected ANYTHING from them during that period.

I think I'd try to enjoy the messages and videos from your son.
9 months is very young and although you want more, you are getting regular little updates.

Personally I would not want the hassle of facetime. I think its maybe, as others have said, that it's been left to your son and that's why it doesn't happen

My dgc lives many thousands of miles away.
I have regular email contact with the parent. The partner may or may not call hello but only occasionally joins in fully. That's ok. FaceTime started when gdc was about 3 years old. Child and parent sat at the table facing the iPad and played with playdo or dinosaurs etc.. This held the child's attention for a little while and we could talk about the toys. The timing was dictated by the child's attention span. I would have soft toys to wave at dgc etc. FaceTime would happen only about once a month, if even that. It was mostly instigated by my son. Sometimes if a couple of months passed without any FaceTime I would suggest it.... Sometime soon when it suits you. And it would usually happen within a few days. A prior email will arrange when suits. Rarely just on spec.

This is what continues to work even several years on. Would I like more? Of course. But I never criticise.

Happygran1964

Bibbity, that’s fair enough and makes sense, it’s just the other gran FaceTimes which seems a little odd. Thank you.

I think the key here is that your DIL manages her relationship with her parents and leaves it to your son to manage your relationship. Her rarely responding to texts backs this up for me.

Don’t worry about what she plans with her family. It’s your sons job to plan things with you

OP maybe your expectations are what need to change.
by saying you would like to know why not FT, it comes across as if they/he owes you an explanation.
whereas they do not owe you anything.
just let them be. stand back. be respectful.
i have not read your previous posts but i am astonished that you wanted to intrude into a hospital when their tiny baby was dangerously ill.
you seem oblivious to the stresses you put on them.

I never said she was a victim.
But you need to realise that neither are you.
She isn’t wrong for not gushing over you all.
She sounds perfectly fine.
You don’t want to change. Fine.

But she doesn’t have to either.

When my DD and family lived in Australia we Skyped (remember when we thought that was the bee’s knees?) once a week, DGD 3 and 6. We did it for 5 years just for a few minutes each time, showing pictures, stories, school books etc. It was only after they had been living back home for a while did they say how stressful it was, to get the girls in front of the screen, for not only me but the other GPs.

OMG I have difficulty with FaceTime for DGD who is 3 and a half, and DGS2 who is 2 and a half! They don't stay still for more than a minute or less and wander off! How on earth would you expect to FaceTime a baby? This is so unrealistic! The baby's Mum FaceTimes her parents - that's fine, your son doesn't feel comfortable with it - that's also fine. You need to lower your expectations of parents and babies I think. Mine tend to do this when I am cooking and end up turning things off then the children go off and DDs don't notice and you are left hanging on to nothing. Please don't stress over FaceTime as it really isn't worth it.

Presents for the gkids. sorry

If you truly think you didnt do anything wrong last February when your gc had meningitis, please think again.
I bet your dil has it engraved in her mind how you made a difficult time even harder instead of supporting her.

Happygran1964, 2020 has been a tough year and I'm sure many grandparents have been disappointed in the level of contact they have been able to have with their grandchildren. Maybe without that you'd have been able to visit in person more and it would never have been an issue?

I don't think you are unreasonable to say you'd like to Facetime but, other than expressing this wish, you can't enforce it. I have to say that I wouldn't be very inclined to organise Facetime with someone who wanted to Facetime with my infant. I'd have to do the work because a baby can't talk - and I don't like Facetime, so doing it under those circumstances would just be stressful. Maybe DIL feels overwhelmed with all the texts you say you send her? She's busy with a baby, after all.

You do get videos and photos so that is how your son wishes to communicate at this time. This isn't a DIL issue, this is about your son who has different preferred methods of communication with you than what you want. He's also autistic so he may find the communication side of things a bit harder than some, but that doesn't mean your DIL has to compensate for him by carrying his relationships.

As far as the other grandmother seeing the baby more because she isn't employed and you work with children, I don't think that's an excuse. My own mother isn't seeing my family at the moment because she works in a setting with children. That means she is exposed to a lot of people, so the risk of her bringing Covid into my home seems high. If she wasn't working in this setting, we would see her. It's not personal.

How were things before all this? Did you visit regularly? If all was more regular then, it might be that what you are missing at this time is one of the sad things that we have to ride out during this pandemic. You haven't been shut out as you are receiving photos and videos. The real issue may be that you and your son just have different ways you prefer to communicate.

OP

You have a long background of threads in this board with family conflicts and you feeling left out, buying too many presents for your kids, etc

Yet, we are wrong. Okie dokie

"I have many examples of this rejection such as not being allowed in to see my gs when he was tiny and in hospital with suspected meningitis, how we were treated as mere guests as their wedding ( my son had to put his foot down about allowing us to sit at the top table alongside her own parents)!"

You are not rejected, you are overstepping your boundaries big time.

Bibbity, sadly I do not understand your attitude towards family. I guess we are all different, I just think it’s nice to have a united family.