MAKING ARRANGEMENTS AND COMING UP WITH IDEAS

In my case, it's definitely not about me 'doing everything else'. I've always worked, and never took on all the responsibility for things like writing cards or sorting childcare.

The trouble is, there is a difference between things like that, that were either done or there were consequences, and things like holidays and nights out. I would write cards/buy presents for my side of the family's birthdays and left him to sort out his own sisters and parents. He never forgot. We had days when each of us was responsible for collecting the children, and whereas there were times when negotiation was necessary, it worked. They might not be the best examples, but I think they make the point that he's not incapable.

It's more that he's quite content not to go on holiday or go out in the evenings, so he doesn't bother. I think he's quite enjoyed lockdown, as he can sit in his jeans watching telly every night and not feel unsociable.

Pre-Covid, I did go on holiday with friends, but now we are both retired, I feel that we should be doing more together, or what's the point? He enjoys himself when we go to places, but if we don't he's be fine with that too, which puts me in the position of either taking it all on or doing without, which I think is unfair. It's a bit like someone saying that they are happy to eat cornflakes for every meal, so if you want to have a varied diet you have to think of the menu, shop and cook it all.

I organised everything for over 40 years as my husband was self employed and he looked after the business side of things. When he retired I still organised our holidays, etc then I discovered he was organising liaisons via the internet, he was quite capable of doing that. We're separating and selling the house and I've told him that I will take what I want from the house and he can sort everything else.

All this makes me very thankful I don't have an other half!

Hithere

Sounds like you want him to be a different person

Exactly what I was thinking of many of these comments. Why do you want to change the person you’re with? And why should he change for you. If you didn’t or don’t like what he is like then act don’t whine!!!

Snap! Except the first thing my husband says is 'how much'?

I've just accepted that it's my husband's way!

Omg..I had the same thing with my husband. I did all the thinking, booking, etc. All the places we visited were all because I suggested them. My husband is not into phones, computers and cant drive. I even had to write all his work friends xmas cards. We have since parted after a long marriage. I didnt realise so many people were in the same boat. !

I think most men are like this, at least to a certain extent.

My father left holiday arrangements, inviting visitors and days out entirely to my mother. DH tends to leave these things to me and the tendency to do so has certainly worsened since he retired.

I think we just have to accept that this is the way things are.

My husband is exactly the same and sometimes I just wish he would come up with some ideas too. He is also very amenable to all my plans and so it goes on!! Probably always will ?

I was married to a man for 40 years who just was happy to let me plan everything, it was a system that worked. I’m now in a new relationship and he questions everything and it’s never good enough, but if I leave it to him, we do nothing. I’m a planner and he is not, it’s so frustrating ?
I think if we were to leave it to the men we would never go anywhere

I agree mousemac for me I would much rather be single (and am laughing at people using this as some sort of 'threat') , also its nonsense there are plenty of men who are able to function.

I was married to someone like that. Utterly devoid of initiative. It is exhausting. He would always do a thing if I asked outright, but it was me who had to think of it - and I hate asking anyone for anything.
I stuck it out for 40 years.
Wish I'd parted from him sooner, tbh.
Sorry if this is not encouraging, but I am so much happier now.

Warning! Devil's advocate post!

I wonder if your husband/partner isn't actually being very obliging by accompanying you when you organise trips away, OP? I've never understood why people want to visit far flung places or lie on a foreign, or any beach. I'm not bothered about visiting historic buildings, museums, gardens or churches either here or abroad. When you've seen one, you've seen 'em all! This uninterested attitude used to infuriate my husband, who turned it into a personal rejection. However, as well as being totally unenthusiastic about travelling and tackling language barriers, the lion's share of dealing with three bickering children away from home always fell to me. I always went along reasonably cheerfully except when Edinburgh Zoo was proposed. Then he took the children by himself!

Occasionally, I tell myself I should take a holiday but I know I'd take a suitcase full of books and spend my time reading them. I can do that, without spending enormous amounts of money, by staying at home. I like it at home. All my 'stuff' is here (and my dog) and my outside interests (mostly karate) are here too. I'm not sedentary, xenophobic, agoraphobic or antisocial but I simply don't want to fritter my life away spending time and money away from home at someone else's behest. I visit a son and daughter in London and Bristol regularly (though not at this crazy time) and generally fall in with their plans. I think it's simply that I decide whether and when to go, rather than being obliged or guilt tripped into it. I suppose I'm exercising a form of autonomy.

Mine is the same when we go on holiday, not only do I make all the bookings and arrangements but when we get there I'm the one who reads all the guidebooks and leaflets and he's happy to go along.
I also have a problem with meals, whenever I ask what he would like for dinner he always replies "anything" - anyone have a recipe for "anything"?

Oh dear - I am the one who only holidays reluctantly, and DH always planned them. Now he can’t do it and we can’t go away anyway, so we are stuck at home though frankly if I never see another airport that will suit me fine.

PECS, you're SO wrong. Before marriage my husband used to arrange/suggest the most interesting and innovative outings and visits as dates. One of the many attributes that drew me to him.... However, as time went on and he came busier commercially the task fell to me. Started off with little bits of his input then eventually none. Must say, I lbegan to enjoy it as I could chooose exactly what I wanted us all to do. I did, of course, take the participants preferences into consideration when I could. Latterly when there were just the two of us he admitted he was so grateful that I had taken this on board as it was a chore he hated. He did say (with a wry grin) 'you notice I never once complained!'

Well at least you have someone to rant at. Those of us who live alone, and have been very alone during lockdown might quite like to have someone to take it out on, or even to go on holiday with. We have to self motivate all the time.
Not that I'm bitter and twisted - just having a rant at you!

I think this may have something to do with the climate we are all facing at the moment
frustrating times and sometimes we stand back and look in and want to scream!( Anybody watch Life?)
if he's always been like this then I don't hold out much hope. We maybe at fault as mothers to boys who become men?was he a mummys boy?
Think you may have to ride along or jump off as you won't change him
Good Luck anyway and be happy xxx

Another minority here. Mine likes all the organising. I let him get on with it....We love to travel and possibly I choose and he delivers with consultation with me but certainly he leads the planning and does an amazing job.

Same here, the only input my husband has is to choose the destination and pay for it, I do absolutely everything else.

I often wonder if us women are our own worst enemies!
It's well known that on the whole we are experts at multi tasking.
If someone else in our family doesn't do something by a set time, who is it that usually picks up the pieces ? we do !
Most of the organisation for moving house, going on holiday , kids school things, family events - yep, it's us women doing a fair bit of it if not all!
But of course the men like to sit back and let us get on with it because they know that if they try to step in and do even a little part of it, 9 times out of 10, it won't be either how we want it done or how it should be done. So they take the easy option that they think will give them the quietest life and fewer arguments and allow us to do it all !
So for 20, 30, 40 plus years, we have been carrying the load and when we complain at way past the time we should have complained, it is really too late !
Those of you with daughters, have a quiet word with them before they follow us down the same mistaken path and those with sons, speak to them too and tell them to do their absolute hardest to stop it happening too - they might have a quieter life now, but it will be pay back time in 20, 30 or 40plus years !!

Same here but it no longer bothers me, as now I understand why. Maybe in a relationship there needs to be a driver and a passenger? Who knows! Anyway 50+ years and counting so I guess it works for us.

Interesting to see how many of us are in the same boat!
The funny thing is that I own a holiday let and have found that about 80% of the bookings are made by men. I was shocked!

Yangste1007 I could have written exactly the same post myself.
After 52 years I’ve given up even thinking about it. It’s not going to change now.

In general I tend to book our joint holidays, but usually we've had a discussion about where/when we're going and my husband takes care of the travel and parking arrangements. Once we're away he has his priorities and I have mine, so we often do separate things, but we always dine together in the evenings so going on holiday is like a series of 'date nights' for us. Because we've each done our own thing during the day there's always plenty to talk about.

We also holiday separately and then we are each responsible for our own arrangements, although my husband often drives me to an airport if needs be. My husband loves physical adventures and I don't. In the past I have abseiled, hiked, camped, climbed mountains, kayaked and windsurfed - all because they're activities my husband loves. When I was in my 50s I finally decided that I wanted a hotel and a bit of sightseeing. He still has his adventures whilst I now go off on trips of my own. When we holiday together now we go to resorts that offer activities such as windsurfing and cycling for him and wonderful relaxing hotel accommodation for me. He cycles, I go to a wine tasting. He windsurfs, I have a massage. It works for both of us.

I'm just glad I'm single and I consider myself fortunate to be living alone and able to do exactly what I want when I want without having to take anyone into consideration - well, mostly apart from the dog, and some babysitting....