Gransnet forums



(149 Posts)
Yangste1007 Wed 28-Oct-20 21:29:33

I didn't really know what to call this thread. We are in a holiday cottage on the east coast at the moment. Husband, myself and the dog. This is a bit of a rant really. If it wasn't for me we would never go on holiday. We would never do anything interesting at home. We would never go out to eat or visit different places. My husband is totally devoid of any original thoughts or ideas. I feel as if I drive our lives in everything we do. Would it be so unreasonable to expect my husband to come up with a few suggestions? Does anyone else feel like this? It is always me that has to suggest going away and what we do when we get there including where we go to eat and what places we visit. Rant over.

Galaxy Wed 28-Oct-20 21:31:11

That sounds exhausting.

Galaxy Wed 28-Oct-20 21:32:02

Sorry realise that's not helpful at all. What happens if you say you decide.

Yangste1007 Wed 28-Oct-20 21:37:17

It is exhausting. You hit the nail on the head. If I say you decide, he usually comes up with something we've already done a million times. If I don't bring up the subject of going on holiday, we would never go anywhere. Don't get me wrong, he's alway very willing to let me take the lead on everything but sometimes I really wish someone else could make a decision for once.

lemongrove Wed 28-Oct-20 21:39:22

A leopard never changes his will have to carry on being the one with ideas.At least it means that you get to choose the things/locations, so not all bad.

Gin Wed 28-Oct-20 21:41:06

Yes the same for me, it is so infuriating but after half a century I doubt if I am going to change him.

V3ra Wed 28-Oct-20 22:38:26

Yangste1007 same here. I'm the planner and the thinker ahead. The most my husband ever does towards our holidays is book the airport carpark and the dog kennels, and those only because I refuse.
I don't get annoyed any more as it does mean we go where I want and do what I want, though I plan things that I know we'll all enjoy.

The one trip my husband arranges each year is a golf trip for himself and three men friends; they've been going in September for twenty years and it still takes him hours and hours over many months to organise. It's painful to witness ?

annodomini Wed 28-Oct-20 22:53:46

Organised our wedding and honeymoon. Found campsites and so on for holidays. Divorce sort of organised itself!

GrandmaKT Wed 28-Oct-20 23:10:11

Yep, exactly the same here! Even to the extent that, when we were younger and he was working he took so little interest in the planning that on several occasions he had no idea when we got in the car to head off on our family holiday, where we were going! He enjoys the holidays when we get there, but is just not interested in planning ahead. Of course if anything goes wrong though it is always my fault!
Nowadays I have given up getting annoyed about it and take comfort in the fact that I get to choose where I want to go!
Like the OP, if I didn't suggest and plan we would literally never go anywhere!

BlueBelle Wed 28-Oct-20 23:29:16

So you all knew what you were taking on from the beginning or did you expect him to change when you married?
What would you rather have...a controlling man who takes over ??

Cabbie21 Wed 28-Oct-20 23:49:15

Same here, except that I can’t plan exactly what I want, as I have to take into consideration DH’s foibles and health issues, so we never go abroad, he has to drive, almost always self catering, cottages have to meet precise specifications, hardly any meals out, outings have to be to level places.......I sometimes wonder if it is worth going, but having not been away this year, I know it is.

B9exchange Thu 29-Oct-20 00:00:58

Do you think that men become more reluctant to go away as they get older? I have noticed this, and friends say the same about their OHs. I don't know if it is a confidence thing, but I was warned that once they turn 75 it can be more difficult to get them away!

Hithere Thu 29-Oct-20 00:05:16

Sounds like you want him to be a different person

Doodledog Thu 29-Oct-20 00:14:42

Mine is 64, and he's hopeless with things like this. As others have said, if I organise things he does them with good grace, but he never suggests anything, and I can't remember the last time he organised a night out, never mind a holiday.

Of course I don't want him to be a different person, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't like to tweak him a bit grin. It's quite wearing, and it would be lovely not to have to think about every little thing for a change.

Lavazza1st Thu 29-Oct-20 01:02:07

My husband loves trains and can be guaranteed to pick a certain place because of its railway history, grin if that makes you feel any better ?

It could be worse and Im used to it. We usually negotiate, but trains seem to creep in somehow!

@B9exchange Ive heard others say they have this problem too. It could be down to fear of flying or being a creature of habit as well?

OceanMama Thu 29-Oct-20 03:24:52

My husband is a bit like this. He might suggest places to eat, but never holidays or things. Sometimes his apparent inability to make decisions does drive me a bit mad, so I do get where you are coming from.

I think, in my husband's case, there are three driving factors here. The modelling he had at home about who makes all the decisions is one. We talked and he is also very insecure about making decisions in case he gets it wrong. For example, he gets really anxious about choosing movies to watch in case it turns out to be a bad one. I told him that if it turned out to be a bad one, we just laugh about how it was a really bad movie and does it matter? If I chose a movie and it was bad, did he think badly of me? If the restaurant is bad, same thing. We laugh about how awful it was and go somewhere else next time. He felt more reassured after this discussion. Is your husband an anxious person? Also, we have different strengths and weaknesses. My husband finds it hard to be organised while I am naturally very organised. I think this is similar at home and my natural ability to organise is easier for him. Do you relate to any of this?

If you can find out where your husband is coming from with this, maybe you can find a way to work with it.

Mwdebbie Thu 29-Oct-20 06:53:04

Would you have an option to go away on a mini-break with a friend or family member, where you share the planning?

Yangste1007 Thu 29-Oct-20 08:11:18


So you all knew what you were taking on from the beginning or did you expect him to change when you married?
What would you rather have...a controlling man who takes over ??

Actually he wasn't like it when we married! Doodledog summed it up, I wouldn't change him for anything but would like to tweak him a bit. Surely everyone likes to feel cherished and spoilt occasionally with a surprise in whatever form that might take.

Nonogran Thu 29-Oct-20 09:36:06

Yang, I share your pain. My chap was full of holiday and days out plans when we met but of late he leaves all that to me. Drives me mad when he asks "What shall we do tomorrow?" Why can't he think of something for a change?
It was my 95yr old mum who pointed out to me that "at heart, many men are still six years old & just want or need a mother."
I think we just have to suck it up! Women rule the world.

Pinkrinse Thu 29-Oct-20 09:45:39

I do the same here, I just accept if I want to go away or out then that’s what I have to do. X

Ladyleftfieldlover Thu 29-Oct-20 09:48:56

Same here! I organize and book everything. Holidays, theatre trips, cinema... I also buy birthday and Christmas presents, wrap them up, buy and write cards...Occasionally he will book a meal out for us, at my prompting.

Callistemon Thu 29-Oct-20 09:49:03

"You just sort it out then point me in the right direction".

I made him sit with me to "sort it out" last time, hence he couldn't moan when we had to run through transit to catch a connecting flight.

winterwhite Thu 29-Oct-20 09:49:33

I've noticed more of this recently. Including 'I'll have what you're having' when eating out. This is new.

cheekychops61 Thu 29-Oct-20 09:50:51

My husband is exactly the same Most of the planning and organisation is left to me. A few years ago when my dad was alive he and my husband would often go on holiday to Spain. My dad would always ask my husband to book the flights, trouble was he didn't have a clue because I always did it
He will however on odd occasions come up with ideas of what we can do. On the whole I'm pleased he's happy to go along with what I organise.

Glenfinnan Thu 29-Oct-20 09:50:59

Same here! He gets fed up at home but never wants to go anywhere! I do occasionally meet up with friends but I always sense an underlying sulk!