MAKING ARRANGEMENTS AND COMING UP WITH IDEAS

My DD and I were discussing this yesterday, our dear, lovely DH's are hopeless planners. They do not plan ahead, think of things at the last moment, bodge whatever they are doing because they did not focus and chunter on about the one per cent they did do instead of being grateful that we did the other ninety nine per cent.

MY DH has had a day at the local steam railway in the diary for months. Yesterday I had to remind him to air and warm his clothes through (they were in the boot of his car!), find him some snacks to add to his sandwich and make his coffee.

He will return full of complaints about the day and the other chaps.

Doh!

I have a friend like that, there are 3 of us that go on weekend breaks and holidays abroad every year and lunch every month.It’s always me that organises all our trips down to the last detail. I’ve tried handing the reins over but I’m just met with a glare and oh shall we go back to so and so. One time I was asked what’s up with you then, why can’t you do it. I am an organiser by nature but sometimes it would be nice for them to say let’s go here or do that. My dd tells me it’s because I’ve always done it so they just leave me to it. So I feel your pain.
I did read an article once where the woman predominantly stays at home and raises the children while the man goes out to work, then in retirement the roles reverse and the women want to go and explore and the men want to stay in the home as they’ve been out of it for 40 odd years. Apparently there is a rise in divorce rates in the silver brigade ( that’s what the article said) because women want more out of retirement and men want less.

Helen369 sounds like my DH. If i really really wanted to go somewhere or do something, he will (very reluctantly) comply. As you say, after all these years - is it worth the angst? DH has a holiday week next week. He’s changed his mind so many times already as to what he/we will do, I’ll just wait and be surprised!

Mine is the same - I look upon it as an advantage in that I get to decide, pretty much, what we do and where we go. I book holidays and if it’s not convenient for him (self employed work) I go on my own - gives me breathing space!

I could have written that myself Yangste word for word!!

Hmm, my husband would probably say the same about me as he does all the arrangements but let me share a different perspective with you. Every time he says where shall we go on holiday I give him a list of places I’d like to go, then one by one he goes through them and comes up with a reason why we should’t go there. When we do agree on somewhere he then says, where would you like to stay so I spend hours on the internet researching the options. Same result. Every place I suggest he doesn’t like so in the end we invariably go with his choices. After all these years I simply can’t be arsed any more, it’s a battle I can’t win so why give yourself the angst? We always have a good time when we’re there anyway.

I wish Gransnet had existed 30 years ago then I would have realised I wasn’t the only only one with a inactive husband. I was surrounded by families who did all sorts of exciting things. He died 22 years ago and since then I have spread my wings.

Has he always been like this? If so, I think it’s too late to change him now.

I’m in the opposite situation. I can’t plan anything as my husband likes completely different things to me. Over the 29 years we’ve been married, I’ve learnt that there isnt any point in surprising him, he will sulk and complain that he doesn’t like it , why did you buy that, can i take it back? As to holidays, I go to Jerez .with a very dear friend of nearly 50 years, two or three times a year- with my husband’s encouragement! As others have said, you are unlikely to change him now. I get upset sometimes that we don’t do more together but I love him to bits and the rest of our life together is good. Try not to stress about it. At least he goes along with whatever you plan - my DH would run a mile! x

Same here, mine can’t even get into our joint on line bank account, I manage all the finances he wouldn’t know if we had a million in the bank ( I can dream) or a tenner.
It can be so frustrating but I can’t change him after 25 years

Is it an aspect of the 'traditional' role? - Man goes out and is active at earning. Woman 'does the rest'. I used to do dinner parties, arranging outings and visits (and holidays largely although it was always camping which I hated but it was what I got on grounds he liked it and it was cheap!!) - but it's not a holiday. Not any more. Realised that was unbalanced. Bit 'seismic' but we have come to a fairer way of doing things. I always hated dinner parties with a passion - but I was good at them (ie the guests enjoyed themselves). What mad lives we lead.

Must be a bloke thing, regardless of age, for some- my son, still living at home, now 22, has been driving since 19, he always gives me lifts bless him, wherever i need- and, pre-covid, always taken us on (british) holidays/days out/short breaks/or airport parking (which i have to arrange also!) For me, him& his younger brother (or sometimes also one of my GC too) BUT when i try involve him in any arrangements he always says "just let me know where we're going when we're setting off! I dont need to know all the rest beforehand!" So definitely not just an older age thing.Some men must be just wired that way.

Well, Yangste1007, I thought of adding but there seems to be plenty suggestions given. How's it going?

It's a fairly low bar though isnt it.

Maybe ask him to lookup places of interest, anything he’d like to do, if you type in the place your at ‘....... for free’ it’s amazing how many places are without cost (regardless of your finances) botanical gardens etc. Then compare notes. Obviously it’s hard after X numbed of years, my in-laws on his retirement decided to swap jobs every fortnight, so each knew (mainly FIL) how to work, cooker, washing machine, etc. What do they say, you get the behaviour you tolerate ! Very hard after years of a certain patten, keep on keeping on ?. Good luck.

Hello. Sounds like your the gardner, hes the garden. I knew twins once, and one told me her husband did nothing round the house. Like clearing the gutters, or gardening. She had to pay people to do it. I asked why she put up with it. She said he was a good kind husband. And she was hanging on to him, because she saw her twin sister widowed at 26 years old, with two young children. And she and her husband had been there for her and her kids. She didn't want to suffer like her sister, alone, widowed, or divotced

Sounds like my DH too. Except - he asks me where I want to go, Amsterdam say, so we go to Paris again....

He sounds very laid back and he is `copping out` a bit because if it goes wrong its your fault. Still maybe its just him and that`s who he is. I had one once who wouldn`t go away at all. I booked myself a three day break in Scotland then it was `No wife of mine is going away alone!`. Hence he is the ex

Accept it and move on.

Oh for heaven's sake! Yangste1007 was having a bit of a moan (amongst friends) and there are responses telling her to think herself lucky she's not on her own, that she must want to change her husband, that she must have known what he was like (she has made her bed and must lie in it?) and so on.

At no point did she say that she wants to change him, or that she doesn't appreciate him in other ways. If people can't have a bit of a light-hearted moan now and then, or talk about anything other than life or death situations, what is the point of places like Gransnet? Should we all put up or shut up, and get on with organising everything instead of posting online?

Perhaps he gets little pleasure from 'trips'?

You hold all the power! Forget ranting and re-frame the situation. You have a man who loves you, you can do anything you want and he will fit in. many women or men would think this was a wonderful situation to be in.
If you want to examine the joy out of every situation with 'who does what' then ,,,,,,,,,
What are his good qualities and what are your good qualities? likewise what are each other's less desirable character traits?
Then think about a gratitude list.
Would you want to swap places with any of your friends unfortunate enough to be facing a winter in lock-down alone?

Suppose you need to ask yourself if he took charge and decided where to go and what to do would you be happy with his choices? I tend to be the driving force so know what you mean. It’s quite time consuming researching holidays etc but at least you get what you want.

Does he let you have charge of the TV remote, so that you decide what to watch? If so he is unusual.
Does he let you cook on the barbecue (if you have one)?
Those are two things that all men I've met or those in my family think are their decisions.
I agree that you could try telling him gently in a good moment that you would like him to come up with some ideas sometimes.

My hubby was just the same. Left everything to me to decide and arrange.
Then I told him he was boring ?

Careful what you wish for, as two days later he was running round the garden naked to prove he wasn’t as boring as I thought ???