MAKING ARRANGEMENTS AND COMING UP WITH IDEAS

GlenFinnan, I have a sulker too. He is a nightmare to go shopping with. I’ll say something like, “ We’d better get some double cream for you to have with your apple pie.” “We have some in the fridge.” he’ll reply when there is only half an inch left in the tub. Then he’ll sulk when there’s none left. He nearly has a nervous breakdown when a parcel is delivered. “What have you been ordering now?” “A bleeping alarm clock, mine’s bust, where would I get one locally?” Etc, etc. It’s very wearing being married to Scrooge.

Same here too!

We used to do a lot of things when we had the kids at home and for a while after that.

But because I became disabled, he is too tired to do anything, other than look after my needs. I have to make my own entertainment.

having a husband who has had health issues for many years I would love the opportuity to "do" something and be fit and well enough to do it

A leopard never changes spots neither does a Muldoon!!

some sympathy. Seems to be a male thing, but you are on holiday - lucky you and he does go along with your suggestions. Unlikely to change now, but you could start him off by giving him the phone numbers and getting him to book tables for dinner, etc. Meanwhile enjoy your break.

I read somewhere that a woman drives the relationship.When she takes her hands off the steering wheel the result is a crash! I didn't believe it until I did. The result was divorce. I wish I'd done it years before ?

My h is like this too and I always think it strange that he likes what I like, holidays, furniture, colour schemes etc. He does surprise me sometimes with a lovely gift though and it does mean I always get what I want and go where I choose without argument. I prefer this to having someone argue with me about everything. #Easy life

It almost sounds as if I wrote this post!!! I sympathise completely ! My husband never suggests doing anything ie,eating out/ holidays ..he doesn’t even say what he’d like for dinner !! He’s a good man and I love him to bits but just the occasional spur of the moment decision would bring a bit of a buzz back into our lives

Glenfinnan

Same here! He gets fed up at home but never wants to go anywhere! I do occasionally meet up with friends but I always sense an underlying sulk!

My ex used to sulk, for days on end! He only ever wanted to visit the same old places, pubs etc. Never wanted to try anything new. I eventually decided that he had a fear of "not having the upper hand" and "not being in total control ". It's rather difficult to describe really. I suppose he was comfortable with what he knew and places he was very familiar with and felt out of place in new and strange surroundings.

Hmm, this is a double-edged sword ! Husband No. 1 was like this - very willing to go along with my suggestions, but hopeless at instigating anything. BUT .... No. 2 knew EVERYTHING ! He knew how mashed potato should be made, recommended using a recipe book for making shepherd's pie, quiche, even scrambled eggs. Worse, he thought I should be "grateful" to have a husband so interested in all I did. Somewhere in the middle would be nice, but I'm not looking for No. 3 !

Some of this, sounds like you’re swapping stories about a pet dog, that’s still acting like a puppy ? If they don’t change, what are you going to do?
If you want more from life, and from them, just tell them. Get them to ‘grow a pair’ as they say!
You’re only here once, and whether they like it, so are they, it’s in everyone’s interest to get things sorted, so you’re happy.
Or you can let things stay the same.

It doesn't sound so terrible to me.

As someone else said, a controlling partner who took charge of everything would be a lot worse. Or someone who criticized all your choices and made a point of not enjoying any outing or holiday you organised. If that is the case, I sympathise. Otherwise, I think there are far more upsetting and undermining things that can happen within a relationship.

Doodledog It just seemed that nobody was saying they took turns or each had strengths/weaknesses!
I am sure I am not alone..it was a rhetorical question!
And of course DH&I irritate & annoy each each other at times but we have each taken charge of holiday arrangements at different times, share decision making, household chores etc.

Mine never wants to go anywhere, will no longer fly and seemingly would be happy to spend every weekend in the garage working on his old car. I know it's not been easy this year but its quite depressing feeling that he doesn't want to do anything with me.

meant two lazy old slobs

Yes another one here who does all the organising for holidays, family birthdays, parties. It's my thing and I enjoy it. Mr Norder goes along with it, has a little pre-holiday or pre-party moan but then enjoys it as much as I do.
Over the last few years we have agreed that we've seen the parts of the world we've wanted to and are content to be at home. Therefore lockdown has suited us just fine, no pressure and no feeling that we're missing something.
I don't even miss the planning, I think his ways have rubbed off on me, ^two lazy old slobs^ happy souls together

This has been a very interesting thread. As I said originally we are on holiday this week. This morning I suggested he might like to decide what we were doing for lunch today. We ended up going back to the place we went to on Tuesday.

I have a husband who has very similar traits. And sadly, if he does try to do a surprise it always backfires.

It is my birthday next month, not a special number really, so was just expetting us to do the usual. Get a few friends together and go out for a meal. Pandemic rules allowing. Then I spotted on a local FB page that a local bar was having a charity race night that day. So, I thought it might be nice to do something different.

So, I asked my hubby if he fancied it and he said ok, if that’s what you fancy. So, I put a private message inviting some friends to join us. One of the guys who is usually up for a night out refused, so I said ok, no problem.

To cut a long story short, my husband had asked said guy to help him organise a surprise meal out for my birthday. So said guy had booked a table at a local restaurant for 8 of us to go. No wonder he was annoyed when he saw my pm. Hubby finally confessed to what he had done, so by now said guy had sent a pm to restaurant to cancel our meal.

I was then left to basically sort out the mess, with the aid of a friend. I had to uninvite and cancel provisionally booked tickets for the race night. We are now going to the unsurprise meal out. I told him all he needed to do was say to me he didn’t fancy the race night and that would have been it.

We do think he might have undiagnosed Aspergers. Not just because of this obviously, but this is just one example of his quite strange behaviours.

Same here, we would not leave the house if it wasn't for me. He is perfectly happy in front of TV 24/7.plus if it wasn't for me no DIY, cleaning, repairs etc etc would be done. It is exhausting and occasionally when I hear 9f other couples lives I wish I had a bit of that. But it's never going to happen.

I would love a bit of this! My DH and I are always falling out as we both want our own way. We find it hard to agree on things so, for example, with holidays we have to take it in turns to decide where we'll go. I wish he would give in once in a while and let me make all the decisions, but that's never going to happen!

Same here. I feel I have to do all the 'thinking', while he trips along without a care in the world and sleeps well. He always says things like, "it's up to you". If I throw this back, he can't think or decide. When it comes to packing, again I have to think of everything and every eventuality. Sometimes he will surprise me, but not often. Really exhausting and my headspace is crowded.

PECS

Am I so unusual to be in a more equal partnership? Without sounding twee we do have a good & equitable partnership... we have been a couple since '66 , married since '71. Had tough and difficult times & have weathered some very big storms. But I am glad to be locked down with him ..he still makes me laugh which was the initial attraction!

No unusual at all. There is nothing inequitable about my partnership, nor, I'm sure in any of the others where people have been having a light-hearted moan. If you have a perfect relationship with absolutely nothing you would change even slightly, then yes, I'd say that was pretty unusual, though.

Think yourself very lucky!! Mine chooses all the holidays, interferes in decorating, colour choices and HATES it when I move any furniture around! Shall we swap for a while ?

Are we married to the same man?
Sounds all too familiar

Same here; my late DH was just the same. I loved him to bits and miss him dreadfully, but everything was left to me, (including finances, he didn't have a clue). At least I got to choose what to do, where to go, and generally got my own way. He was happy to go along with anything I suggested, thankfully.

He did have his moments though; he booked a surprise trip to Paris for my 50th, including luxury room in airport hotel and business class tickets! He also organised for the DC to stay with friends and relations.

And he also suggested Canada for what was to be sadly our last holiday together, did we but know it, (whereas I was thinking of the Med).

And surprised me with diamond ear-rings for Mothers Day one year.

Used to think I was the only one who had to organise everything, so I've enjoyed reading all the comments!