AIBU to expect approx same value gift

Ask her for something costing the same?.....did she stipulate the total amount for both gifts? Would your dh fuss if you had the lions share......? Why does the monetary value matter? If it’s something you want does it matter what it costs?.....all sounds a bit petty to me!

sodapop

I think a lot of people are missing the point here. The OP is annoyed that her husband went ahead with his expensive request without consulting her.

Hmmm. I’m not sure about that. Those items sound like a good idea as a joint present for a couple who have a garden together.
I am inclined to give her husband benefit of the doubt and think he thought he was being helpful.

Does anyone still give or get a gift box of bath salts soap and talc or a Cyclamen plant?. Happy days when such simple things meant so much.

grandtanteJE65

In your place I would phone DD and tell her precisely what happened and that you feel that her father is unreasonable in expecting so expensive a gift for him alone.

See what she says.

I know how difficult it is finding something to wish for at the drop of a hat, so I make notes of things that occur to me in the course fo the year.

This way I am not caught out when asked what I would like for my birthday and for Christmas as they are only a month apart.

Good heavens, how to create even more childish squabbling,by snitching on DH.
I’m amazed at this behaviour by adults.

He is the one being unreasonable, and I myself would let him know it in no uncertain terms.

I'm not going to preach to you on the hows, why's, and when's, of present buying. You have not asked for an opinion on that.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Your DH should give up part of his present and you must come up something you would like.

This year we've decided to leave out doing adult presents, and gifts only for the DGC. We've already got them so job done.
Isn't Christmas supposed to be about thought and care for each other, not about the cost of presents and who gives/gets what?

Christmas is about the pleasure of giving, not demanding or whingeing about being done down.
Grow up, for heaven's sake!

AIBU

Yes

OP - I do hope you can put all this behind you and have a jolly Christmas - enjoy the people never mind the gifts!

Why do you have to have something of equal value, bit petty, I would be running for the study too.

I do not think people are missing the point actually - I realise she is annoyed with her OH for not consulting her and ringing her DD without consulting her (how dare he!? ) and I can see it would have been helpful if he had talked with her first, but her post says quite clearly AIBU to expect approx same value gift, and "I should have something of equal value" - I think that posters are picking up on this as being unreasonable and way outside the spirit of what gift-giving is about.

@25Avalon
Yes I think he should have consulted you first and considered the value also for dd. If you were asking for a joint present it should be a joint decision. Or if separate then a similar value.
I always spend roughly the same on all three. I remember my DP telling me as a child he was asked what he would like as were his two brothers. Dp, the youngest asked for a book he wanted. One brother asked for a bike the other a huge scalextric set. He was around 10 at the time.
Tell me how that is fair.

This is the reason I stepped away from Xmas in the 80s. No pressies, no cards, nothing.
I only joined back in when the grandchildren came along.

What about a gift token to the garden centre that you can split. They sell all sorts there now, not just gardening things so you could have a choice as well.

Doodle dog, Blossoming, Sodapop,Marjgran thank you so much for your understanding. You have got what I was trying to say but maybe didn’t say very well.

Surely it is nowt to do with dibbers, or even Christmas? It is feeling a lack of consideration that feels characteristic and she has snapped....

I think a lot of people are missing the point here. The OP is annoyed that her husband went ahead with his expensive request without consulting her.

Maybe I’ve read it wrong, but I think the OP is saying that her DD may feel that she has to spend equal amounts on each parent. It’s not that the OP is demanding something of equal value.

Whichever, I hope you get it all sorted OP, and that you have a happy and peaceful Christmas.

I think that people are piling on a bit here. The OP has said, as I understand it, that her daughter will probably want to spend a roughly equal amount on each of her parents, and far from 'expecting expensive presents' is actually wanting to save her daughter some money.

I wouldn't count the cost of presents to the penny, but neither would I spend a fiver on one child and a hundred pounds on the other, and I don't think many people would. I would feel the same if my parents were both here to buy for, so I think I do understand where the OP is coming from. She can correct me if I'm wrong, but I get the impression that she was a bit upset when writing the first post, so maybe that hasn't come across as clearly as it may have done.

I would have got in touch with D and said to go ahead with H's wish and I would underwrite however much his gift was over her budget. Strictly private arrangement, of course.

I have no idea what your daughter would normally spend, but I do think this is asking for rather a lot.

We have lists for adults in our family but everyone suggests a few very modest items, from which one is chosen. Those with children are not expected to buy any adult gifts at all.

I can understand where the OP is coming from. It’s not to do with monetary value at all. It’s the fact that her DH hadn’t discussed with her what they should ask for and then selfishly asked for something for himself.
Last year and again this year we shall be asking our two children to jointly put towards a present for each of us. I also contribute so it’s a present from the three of us to my DH and he does the same for me. That way we both get what we want and as both children live in another country it saves on postage.

As far as I can work out this is not a joint present, so to get this sorted out phone your DD tell her to choose one or both of the presents for Dad according to her budget, just say there was a bit of crossed wires going on, probably both lockdown crazy, then say you would like some smells, sparkles or whatever but tell her to choose so she is free to pay what she likes. Then take your DH a cup/glass of something and smooth things over, with all the death and loneliness about it really isn't worth falling out with the only person you are likely to see at present.