AIBU to expect approx same value gift

I’m far from a grinch, but the pressure put on us for buying expensive presents at Christmas is getting too much. I have long tried to instil in my family that a crimble is more than acceptable, find something from a charity shop, buy me some reels of thread, make something.
Christmas brings out stress and family issues, the run upto Christmas is commercially driven.
My mantra is that birthdays are their day when they get a special gift.
Christmas is a holiday when we celebrate Christ’s birth, eat nice things, give small gifts, curl up in front of the fire with a good book, glass of good wine with cheese and biscuits.

I don’t think I could spend that sort of money on small garden items for myself and definitely couldn’t expect my child, how ever old or rich to do so either. And to think because your husband is having £62 spent on him that you must do too is unbelievable. How very petty. I can honestly say that if a gift is carefully chosen and given with love the cost doesn’t matter at all. It just seems like a nasty piece of one up manship between a married couple. Horrible.

Oh dear- This all sounds very silly indeed. It's very difficult as you get older to come up with gift ideas that people can buy you both for Xmas, so I think in your position I would be relieved that it had been done. I think if equal treatment with your husband matters to you- you need to have a word with him and agree the amount each of you can ask for from DD.
I do wonder if this is actually about something else that your husband has done or been doing that has upset you. It maybe that you need to have a think about things and decide what matters here.

We do a £20 secret Santa amongst the grown ups which allows us all to spend more on the children. I totally agree with Purplepoppies though. Surely we should all just be thankful that our nearest and dearest have stayed safe & well this Christmas. So many families have been less fortunate.

This all sounds very petty to me, not worth wasting the effort of upsetting yourself. My husband often says, & does things without my ‘consent’ he does not need it! We usually have a discussion about it at a later point. I know that if it was something of importance we would discuss prior to any action or decision.

etheltbags1

Are christmas gifts not supposed to be about thought and kindness to each other. In our present climate we all should be glad to have a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. Christmas presents should be a lovely surprise not costed out.

Got it in one etheltbags1. Having just driven past the local food back, the cost of who spends what on who for Christmas seems very trivial.

Sounds to me like a storm in a teacup (or sieve and dibber). If the value of presents is such a contentious issue I would suggest donating the money to a charity such as Crisis for the homeless.
I have a few friends in other parts of the country with whom I usually exchange Christmas presents. I have contacted them and explained that this year I will not be sending gifts as I am not going to shops or the post office, and I'm not contributing to Jeff Bezos's Christmas bonus. They have all enthusiastically agreed not to exchange presents, noting that we are all grown-ups now.
PS I'm not unsympathetic to your feelings, Avalon 25, and I hope that you will soon kiss and make up with your dh.

When my Mum was alive, we each used to buy ourselves what we wanted/needed, wrap it up and open it on Christmas day.
We both got what we wanted and didn't have to pay postage.
The Secret Santa route with an upper cost limit seems an ideal compromise,

For goodness sake I thought Christmas was supposed to be the season of goodwill not monetary value! Don't expect anything from anyone this year, so many struggling in the economic downturn - that way no-one needs to worry whether one present is worth more than another!!
Bah Humbug!!!!

Think I’d tell DH or BH to buy his own
Hand made seive. He’s not HRH by chance is he?

I would be happy with a nice card I have everything else I need,except my husband . So think yourself lucky.

Casdon

I’m sorry but I do think YABU. It’s nothing to do with monetary value surely? He was proactive in deciding what he wanted and ringing your daughter which is good because it gives her time to order, which is presumably why she asked early. If she can’t afford to get both items she has the option to buy one or the other depending on her budget. I honestly don’t see the problem, once you’ve decided what you want, ring and tell her?

I'm simply impressed that he could make his mind up so quickly!
We do a Secret Santa but OH used to spoil it by saying things like Where do I get ?? for (named recipient)? One year he actually asked me to go and get it.

£18 for a dibber!!! Never mind the hand made sieve. Why is it to be handmade? Think I would be telling DH to rethink his requests - the cost of the dibber alone is enough, perhaps some labels for all the planting he intends could be added.

In your place I would phone DD and tell her precisely what happened and that you feel that her father is unreasonable in expecting so expensive a gift for him alone.

See what she says.

I know how difficult it is finding something to wish for at the drop of a hat, so I make notes of things that occur to me in the course fo the year.

This way I am not caught out when asked what I would like for my birthday and for Christmas as they are only a month apart.

Shouldn't we all just be grateful that loved ones made it to Christmas this year?

DBOHB FYI I am not worried if I don’t get a present. Just trying to be considerate to my dd and family. If they don’t mind giving me less, fine by me, but maybe not by them.

I can’t really see the problem. They are probably copper and a real treat, as someone else said she could always decide to just buy one of the items. I bought my daughter a Copper dibber and it did cost about £35. And is just lovely, copper is quite magical in the soil and expensive. I might think he was bloody cheeky and perhaps could have told me first but really we are independent beings and can be proactive on our own accounts. Bear it in mind for when you don’t want to share a decision?

Im sorry but you are coming across like a spoiled brat.

Regardless of who asked, made the decision, etc., I wouldn't ever ask my children for such expensive presents. I try to find items I need or want for small amounts of money. I give them stuff to the value of £50 and I wouldn't expect them to spend anything like that on me. Their life expenses are bigger than mine and their needs are greater as they have the expense of bringing up their families.
As for your husband not appreciating anything other than the stuff he has selected, he sounds like a spoiled brat. Whatever happened to being grateful for gifts! As for ringing your daughter to change his mind because you two have had a row, it sounds so terribly childish.

Forget value, just be grateful for a present. Will you throw your toys out of the pram if his present is bigger than yours too?

It rather takes the meaning of gift giving if all one is concerned about is how much it cost and that one person is getting something more expensive than the other person. If that us your concern, then yes, YABU, but I suspect that there is much more to this and there are deeper issues. You are upset because he!s gone ahead and said what he wants, without consulting you first, but why? (Don't answer that here -ask yourself why this is upsetting you so much). It seems as if the pair of you need to have a good long chat about what the real problem is here. It probably runs deeper than choosing Xmas gifts.

I can understand you being miffed that he didn't consult you, that's fair enough, it was thoughtless of him, and he should apologise. If DH had taken it upon himself to reply on my behalf to something like that, he would have got an earful!

Christmas, like weddings, can be a minefield people get so wound up. You are now looking at damage limitation, you will have to come up with some smallish item you would like 'it is the thought that counts' and suggest your daughter might like to buy that for you. Then forget about it, and receive it with joy.

And next year, don't dither so long, have an idea ready and get in first!

Haven’t done adult gifts for over 15 years! We all treat ourselves to something we’d like ...or not, if there’s nothing we fancy.
Surely gifting, lists and surprises are for children??
A bit baffled by this _ sounds like it’s a much deeper issue than a Christmas gift?

I have a very elderly aunt who I buy a small present and card for every year. She hasn’t bought me a present for years and the card stopped a couple of years ago. So what?

I'm on my own and so is my sis so we have £20 limit. The thing is all my friends, etc are married and then I'm buying for both of them. It gets a bit expensive by the time I'm finished. I wouldn't want his as a joint gift either, he choose it not you. You buy him one and your daughter but the other?