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Husband always ‘ill’

(64 Posts)
Daisy2018 Wed 09-Dec-20 17:52:27

Please tell me if I’m being unreasonable: my husband has always got something wrong with him. Either a cold, sore throat, aching feet etc. He will tell me his ailments each day which I can ignore most of the time, but over the last few years he is taking more and more time off work. He is self employed and then doesn’t get paid. He’s a few years younger than me and I’m due to retire soon but feel responsible for our income incase he takes too much time off, so not sure if I should carry on working. I just feel like saying man-up and get on with it. He then watches TV all day when he’s ‘ill’ which also drives me mad !

25Avalon Wed 09-Dec-20 17:56:09

Sounds like he’s having a laugh at your expense. Why should you sub him? If he really isn’t well he should see the doc.

Calendargirl Wed 09-Dec-20 17:56:59

He obviously doesn’t enjoy his job, whatever it is, so perhaps ought to try and do something different.

Also prefers sitting at home watching day time tv? Sounds like he is the one who is ready to retire.

Ohmother Wed 09-Dec-20 17:58:43

Yep. To the docs for an MOT pre YOUR retirement.

glammanana Wed 09-Dec-20 18:02:22

I would make sure any income I earned was put in a separate account from his and let him try paying the bills out of that and when he says he can't afford it tell him to get out and earn it.
It certainly sounds if he is taking you for a soft touch why would you do this ? When I was working full time a certain amount went into a joint account for household bills/food and everything else stayed in our own accounts.
Sounds as though he needs a shake up and a talking to.

lemongrove Wed 09-Dec-20 18:06:41

Some people are just like that, you must be used to it I suppose? Is he almost retired a year or so to go? It sounds as if he has had enough of working, is it a tiring physical job?
Do you enjoy your own working days? If so, suggest that he scales back on his jobs, and does a bit of housework while you go to work.If neither of you is happy working, can you manage if it was part time?

BlueSky Wed 09-Dec-20 18:49:05

First of all a check up with his GP to see if there’s an underlying illness or deficiency. If clean bill of health, then time to discuss your plans for retirement/part time work and how you are going to manage. These things need to be brought into the open and discussed by the two of you.

MrsThreadgoode Wed 09-Dec-20 18:50:58

I’m surprised you only ‘feel like’ saying anything, next time he starts telling you how ill he feels tell him you aren’t listening, unless he rings the Doctor and walk away.
It’s a bit worrying if he is taking time off though.
Does he feel that even if he only works infrequently, that he is still earning enough to keep you both once you retire? If so then I can understand him wanting to stay at home!

M0nica Wed 09-Dec-20 18:54:09

Be careful, he could be ill. Not every illness has clear symptoms and a lot that are missed start like the way your husbandis now acting.

When DH started diabetes, his symptoms could have been mistaken for sloth, likewise before his blocked arteries were diagnosed and he had a heart attack and bypass surgery.

Get your DH to see a doctor, preferably with you present so you can describe his behaviour.

I think it is shocking that so many threads just assume he is a lazy sloth amd never even consider illness.

merlotgran Wed 09-Dec-20 18:54:37

Tell him to see the doc or pull his socks up.

BBbevan Wed 09-Dec-20 18:55:12

Think that is called ‘lazyitis’.

Luckygirl Wed 09-Dec-20 22:30:08

I can see that this is putting you under pressure; but I suspect that if this thread had been started the other way round and it was the wife who was constantly feeling ill, we would all be telling her to go to the doc and her OH should be more sympathetic!

He may actually be ill poor chap!

Jane10 Wed 09-Dec-20 22:37:25

M0nica- is right. There could be something going on. Alternatively keep a diary and note all his symptoms and says off as they happen then present him with a record of his day's off. Either he's really unwell or he hates his job. Time for you and him to have a think about this.

EllanVannin Wed 09-Dec-20 22:37:52

Some sort of a depressive illness I'd have said.

Jane10 Wed 09-Dec-20 22:37:53

Days off not says off.

merlotgran Wed 09-Dec-20 22:38:58

It's been going on for years. Time for some tough action.

Nadateturbe Wed 09-Dec-20 22:53:25

He could have something like M.E. Perhaps you could look up the symptoms. People with this illness are often accused of being just lazy.
Or as Monica said he could be suffering from other illnesses.
It may be difficult for you to cope with, but he may be feeling really down about it and can't really explain how he feels.

Daisy2018 Thu 10-Dec-20 07:15:10

Thanks everyone for your comments. I do feel bad now complaining but when I do talk to him about it, like just now, he says he feels so useless and can’t help feeling ill all of the time. He has got a cold though !

Puzzler61 Thu 10-Dec-20 07:29:01

If your husband is unenthusiastic about his job he could be feeling low/ depressed even. It’s a known fact that poor mental health negatively impacts physical health which could leave him vulnerable to aches, pains, coughs, colds and worse.
I think he needs to open up to you and his doctor about what could be going on with him. He may not be able to unravel it by himself. Good Luck to both of you.

PollyDolly Thu 10-Dec-20 07:50:03

Although you don't mention what OH does for a living I can't help thinking that by being self employed he's letting customers down by taking time off work........glad I've not approached him to do anything for me!

He obviously doesn't like his work and finds any excuse to not go out to work.

Time for some tough talking Daisy2018, the next occasion that he complains about feeling unwell you have to tell him that it's gone on long enough, make an appointment with the GP ( early stages will no doubt be a phone consultation but will be a step in the right direction ) and tell him exactly how his behaviour is making you feel insecure about the future.

Iam64 Thu 10-Dec-20 08:23:16

Is he depressed? This kind of preoccupation and anxiety around physical health can be a manifestation of anxiety and depression.
Be honest with him about how you feel and ask him to phone your surgery to make an initial phone appointment with the doctor.

NotSpaghetti Thu 10-Dec-20 09:26:42

he says he feels so useless and can’t help feeling ill all of the time

I think, as others have suggested, he may be genuinely ill. He may have a milder form of ME (which is varied anyway) that makes him unable to function at 100% or maybe he's depressed.

If it's "officially" a pay-off, is he any happier?

Bluekitchen192 Thu 10-Dec-20 09:28:25

Id suggest he may be depressed and neither of you have recognised the symptoms. It often manifesta as low grade ohysical illness that is tiring for everyone. If this is the case he will need help but I can assure you a diagnosis can often come S a relief and bring a surge of energy. There are a number of treatments availanle on line. Called CBT they can be quite effective for low to medium depression. Just be aware that it should be a professional that does the diagnosis and that yhe causes might surprise you.

Mini2020 Thu 10-Dec-20 09:32:42

Sounds like your husband truly isn’t happy. Telling you his illnesses is a way of getting you to give him attention, I would suggest he has depression and needs help, I recognise some of the signs. Try to be sympathetic and get him some help.

bear1 Thu 10-Dec-20 09:34:23

If he is ill you should tell him to say in bed until he is better if he is watching tv all the time get the hoover out turn off the tv and start hoovering. i had an ex just like that but he also pleaded a bad back every time the lawn needed mowing or the washing up doing.never wanted to go out and yet always had time to go see his adult kids i ended up leaving him got divorced and now he has to do it all himself.