Feeling bad about a Xmas day family zoom

It’s a very odd time for us all just now isn’t it? You can’t help how you feel at all and no good can come from feeling guilty, what’s done is done. The timing wasn’t great, but we can’t always control how and when these things will affect us.
You jumped quite quickly to your family thinking you were “making it all about you”, if you don’t mind me asking, is this something that’s been said to you before?
If so maybe try practicing some breathing exercises? Like you I get quite teary when feeling any emotion (anger, fear, frustration - the lot) and although I can’t control my feelings what I can (now) control is how I react and display them. Breathing exercises helped me with that.
My reason for working on that was because my gran would try to emotionally manipulate everyone with tears and I didn’t want to do that to my family (in no way am I suggesting this is something you do or have done - just saying why I looked at how I behaved).

I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend and hope you feel a bit better having a vent on here.

Let D get on with it, after years of treading on eggshells, I just don’t anymore. You lost a dear friend how heartbreaking for her family and friends and it’s natural the loss would sweep over you, it’s being human. You’ve apologised, there isn’t one of us that doesn’t put our foot in it sometimes. If it were my mom upset, I would have rung her afterwards to offer her support.

I didn’t mean to be unkind BerthaT you’ve lost a friend and it’s not unreasonable to expect support from family.

Perhaps I was projecting a bit when I read your post. I had a family member and they were frequently tearful or reminded of something sad at get togethers, it felt attention seeking although I’m not sure if it was. The outcome for the rest of us was that they were a bit of a mood hoover and because of the frequency of their upset or distress they elicited less and less sympathy.

That’s my experience though and probably nothing like yours. But just wanted to share what influenced my previous posts.

Exactly what I thought Smileless they are adult children surely they can empathise a little.

Bertha, you do not deserve to be stonewalled. You have feelings like everyone else, and I hope very much the replies here have helped with your grief.

We feel what we feel - hard to turn grief off at the drop of a hat.

I wept buckets at my OH's grave on Christmas Eve when the 2 local DDs and their children were there - two of the GC had made a tiny felt and sheep's wool gnome and put it on the grave for Grandpa for Christmas - it completely undid me. My DD gave me an entirely illegal and unwise hug.

I later apologised to DDs for "spoiling the GCs' Christmas Eve" and neither saw it as a problem. One said "It is real life - we cannot shelter them totally from that, and they are sad about Papa too." And another said "It is a chance for them to hone up their caring skills" - and it was - they sent me virtual hugs.

I do not think you did anything wrong; but I am sorry your family reacted badly. I am sorry for the loss of your friend.

You don't deserve to be stone walled by your D Bertha, TBH she needs to take a look at her own behaviour and as merlotgran has posted 'suck it up'.

It might have been a good idea to message your daughters before the family Zoom to let them know about your friend. This would have given them the opportunity to message back with condolences etc.

merlotgran

^Daughter no 3 stonewalled me, no doubt what I deserve.^

Let her stew then. Don't think of yourself as a victim. If your other daughters understood then she'll just have to suck it up.

Was your friend known to your daughters?

No, my daughters did not personally know my friend Joanne, though they knew we sang together in a choir etc.

No, you didn't deserve it.

Daughter no 3 stonewalled me, no doubt what I deserve.

Let her stew then. Don't think of yourself as a victim. If your other daughters understood then she'll just have to suck it up.

Was your friend known to your daughters?

No I had not decided everyone was having too much of a good time and so I decided to pour cold water on it.......I didn't 'think' at all, I just suddenly felt so very sad for my friend and her family, here we were all happy, safe and well.....for Joanne's family the most hellish Xmas.

I have apologised to my daughters, two of whom were extremely lovely and said they hadn't thought anything of the sort.

Daughter no 3 stonewalled me, no doubt what I deserve.

Good heavens, is this poor woman not allowed to have any feelings? Why shouldn't she expect some sympathy, she's just lost a dear friend! Her family are grown up not children who have to be "protected", they should certainly be looking at their own behaviour.

Bertha, you have nothing to feel guilty about. We all need to know we can voice our emotions and if not to our families then who else .... you are clearly someone who feels things deeply, and the loss of a friend is hard to bear (as I well know, and greatly sympathise).

Bertha, I am sorry for your loss it is true and how stilted is seems to write that conventional condolence. Your tears speak for you.

The conversation that went wrong was due to real life breaking into a conventional ritual. Much of Xmas is ritualised and many people are fond of the ritual to the extent of being unprepared for real life to break through it.

I think this is what happened, and even if they don't explain like I have done, I bet they understand this is what happened and they will feel for you.

Oh for goodness sake "it's as if you decided that everyone was just having too much of a good time so you poured cold water over everyone with your bad news". There is nothing whatsoever in anything that Bertha's posted to suggest this.

Babyshark

In that case BerthaT, and I say this gently, I think you were out of order. It comes across like You decided your family were having too much fun and so you put a downer on it. I think that could feel - and I’m saying it could feel not how it was - as controlling and attention seeking.

I think you need to apologise and to reflect I why you felt this need to do it.

I do however hope you feel better today and remember that we can still laugh and have fun without being disrespectful to those who are having a tough time.

I agree with PP - it's as if you decided that everyone was just having too much of a good time so you poured cold water over everyone with your bad news.

You do need to apologise , for making it all about you and your feelings. And it would be a good time to think about why you decided to do that, at that particular time .

In that case BerthaT, and I say this gently, I think you were out of order. It comes across like You decided your family were having too much fun and so you put a downer on it. I think that could feel - and I’m saying it could feel not how it was - as controlling and attention seeking.

I think you need to apologise and to reflect I why you felt this need to do it.

I do however hope you feel better today and remember that we can still laugh and have fun without being disrespectful to those who are having a tough time.

BerthaT I think we’ve all kept our ‘it’s ok* face on for so long that as some point it just gets too much and we crumple. You’ve given in to your emotions because they’re overwhelming, it doesn’t hurt people to know we’re not perpetually stoic. Sometimes it reminds others of how they feel inside and their vulnerability, but, chin up, you did no wrong, you’re human. X

Chewbacca

^I'd always be very careful about what I say when the children are listening^

But that's the thing about emotions isn't it? They mostly creep up on us unawares and don't give us time to pre think what to say and do. Most kind, compassionate people would understànd that and make allowances.

Thank you

Babyshark

I can understand it from your families perspective, most of us have had our fill of loss and sadness and worry. The fun zoom call was probably a much needed laugh and boost. Did you bring it up intentionally because you felt you needed to remind them that people are struggling today it did you just feel overcome with emotion?

I think that would be the important thing for me in terms of whether I would be upset or not.

I am sorry about how sad you felt, I don’t think there are many of us that haven’t felt low at some point so hopefully there’s plenty of empathy for you from your family.

Well looking back I think it was probably a bit of both, I was overcome with sadness, suddenly, but then, as I said, asked them to spare a thought for Joanne and her family

Thank you

Chewbacca

I don't think any of us is in full control of out emotions right now; always on the verge of tears of misery or frustration. I know mine are never far away these days.

It doesn't take much to set me off either, Chewbacca

Don't feel bad about it, Bertha
You have lost a friend and needed a hug, even if just a virtual one.
?

One of my relatives has just died, not someone my children know although he and I were close when we were children, but I did mention it on Christmas Day.

I can understand it from your families perspective, most of us have had our fill of loss and sadness and worry. The fun zoom call was probably a much needed laugh and boost. Did you bring it up intentionally because you felt you needed to remind them that people are struggling today it did you just feel overcome with emotion?

I think that would be the important thing for me in terms of whether I would be upset or not.

I am sorry about how sad you felt, I don’t think there are many of us that haven’t felt low at some point so hopefully there’s plenty of empathy for you from your family.

I'd always be very careful about what I say when the children are listening

But that's the thing about emotions isn't it? They mostly creep up on us unawares and don't give us time to pre think what to say and do. Most kind, compassionate people would understànd that and make allowances.

I'd always be very careful about what I say when the children are listening. They don't need to be worried by anything - especially on Christmas day.

Never mind, though, if you apologise, I'm sure that you'll be forgiven.