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Feeling bad about a Xmas day family zoom

(40 Posts)
BerthaT Sun 27-Dec-20 17:56:50

As lots of other families on 25th we had a Xmas Day 'family zoom' with our three daughters and their partners/husbands. We had lots of laughs, chat, waved to our grandchildren etc .........then a couple minutes before the zoom meeting ended it struck me how happy and jovial we all were and so I blurted out that I had just lost a friend of 17 years on Xmas Eve to Covid.....I burst into tears (not unusual for me) and asked them to spare a thought for the terrible Xmas my friend Joanne's family will be experiencing.....well the meeting ended quickly after I spoilt everyone's day and now I'm feeling terrible and selfish that I mentioned it at all.........we are very close to two of our daughters but one not so much, and my relationship with her in recent years has been strained.......
I messaged her later in the day on an inconsequential matter to receive a terse reply. I am generally a very anxious person and doubly so now as I expect she is feeling 'ugh it's all about her, she needn't have mentioned it today.' Probably everyone else is thinking the same? My mother said I shouldn't have mentioned it

AmberSpyglass Sun 27-Dec-20 18:03:52

I’m so sorry for your loss, and I can quite understand why you’d want to mention it! The one thing that stood out for me was that you said bursting into tears isn’t unusual for you - that can be quite wearing for people, especially as it was the end of a lovely, cheerful time. It sounds like it ended things on quite a muted note, and perhaps the daughter you’re less close to finds your crying difficult.

Either way it’s a perfectly understandable thing to do, but maybe think in future about timing and trying to find other ways to deal with your feelings than crying.

cornishpatsy Sun 27-Dec-20 18:06:28

You didnt plan to say it, the emotion of the day just took over.
if you think it would help a text saying "sorry for being overcome with emotion at that time" might bring replies of "thats ok we understand".

You do not know what they are all thinking if they are even thinking about it at all.

You have lost your friend, try to be kind to yourself even if others are not.

Harris27 Sun 27-Dec-20 18:10:32

You probably felt that you should mention it just to make them realise not everyone is having such a good day. Not in a bad way just that we should all be counting our blessings way. Don’t feel bad about it send them all a little text message and be upbeat in that. So sorry about your friend.

Smileless2012 Sun 27-Dec-20 18:23:41

Oh Bertha, you lost a dear friend on Christmas Eve and as cornishpatsy has posted "the emotion of the day took over" so please don't upset your self further, worrying about what your family may or may not be thinking.

I'm sending you a big hug and flowers for the loss of your friend and I hope that the next time you speak to your family they say they're sorry for your loss and hope you're OK.

DanniRae Sun 27-Dec-20 18:24:15

Harris27 ........ Please don't beat yourself up about your tears. Here are some flowers for you.

merlotgran Sun 27-Dec-20 18:28:18

'ugh it's all about her, she needn't have mentioned it today.'

If this is what you suspect your DD is thinking then maybe you need to set yourself a New Years resolution. It's easy to blurt out something sad and negative when everyone is in a happy mood but after what everyone has been through this year it's often necessary to think before you speak.

Toadinthehole Sun 27-Dec-20 18:30:37

No, definitely don’t worry. I’m surprised you made it to the end of the zoom....how sad for you. Your family will understand, even if they seemed not to to begin with. Take it slowly, a day at a time. Your daughters are fine...but you need to grieve. No apologies necessary. 💐

Chewbacca Sun 27-Dec-20 18:40:35

I don't think any of us is in full control of out emotions right now; always on the verge of tears of misery or frustration. I know mine are never far away these days.

Patsy70 Sun 27-Dec-20 18:48:06

So very sorry to hear the sad news of your friend BerthaT. You did very well to enjoy the zoom with your family, but it was perfectly natural to tell them about your friend, and I’m certain they will understand. Absolutely no need to say sorry. You are their Mum, and they know that you are caring and emotional. Please don’t beat yourself up. flowers

Patsy70 Sun 27-Dec-20 18:53:21

Chewbacca I so agree with you. Just thinking of people on their own, recently bereaved and those with overwhelming problems brings me to tears. sad

Sparklefizz Sun 27-Dec-20 18:59:09

I am sorry about the loss of your friend, Bertha, and as someone has said, "your emotions took over." I think you would probably feel better if you sent your daughters a text saying exactly that and sorry that you ended on a sad note and that you're sure they understand.

I think you would feel better for doing that, and hopefully it would trigger kind replies..... but if not, try to let it go. If your daughters are anything like mine, their lives are busy, they are often self-centred, and they probably won't have given it another thought. You are the person who's feeling sad and miserable, and now adding guilt into the mix.

The important thing is for you to stop beating yourself up over it. It wasn't the end of the world for you to show your feelings, and now you must be nice to yourself and grieve for your friend.

Christmas is always an emotional time, and this year it has been even more so. flowers

Bluecat Sun 27-Dec-20 19:16:47

You shouldn't be too hard on yourself. This has been a strange and emotional Christmas.

I thought I would be fine but I found myself weeping on Christmas Eve at thought of all those - the living and the dead - that I missed so much. My DD rang us late at night, on the verge of tears, because she missed us and felt sad that we couldn't be together. I even felt saddened by the fact that the DGC's elderly guinea pig had to be put to sleep on Christmas Eve, so God knows how you must have felt about the loss of an old friend! No wonder you were in tears.

I bet your family understood that, even though it was Christmas, you were grieving. They would realise that you can't just turn off sadness, even if you want to.

I am sorry for your loss. Hope you feel a little better now.

lemongrove Sun 27-Dec-20 19:42:49

merlotgran

^'ugh it's all about her, she needn't have mentioned it today.'^

If this is what you suspect your DD is thinking then maybe you need to set yourself a New Years resolution. It's easy to blurt out something sad and negative when everyone is in a happy mood but after what everyone has been through this year it's often necessary to think before you speak.

I agree with this advice👍🏻
It’s done now so forget about it though.

sodapop Sun 27-Dec-20 19:57:11

Don't beat yourself up BerthaT you were sad and emotional, I'm sure your family will allow you a little leeway at the moment. So sorry about your friend. thanks

Hetty58 Sun 27-Dec-20 20:08:05

I'd always be very careful about what I say when the children are listening. They don't need to be worried by anything - especially on Christmas day.

Never mind, though, if you apologise, I'm sure that you'll be forgiven.

Chewbacca Sun 27-Dec-20 20:16:26

I'd always be very careful about what I say when the children are listening

But that's the thing about emotions isn't it? They mostly creep up on us unawares and don't give us time to pre think what to say and do. Most kind, compassionate people would understànd that and make allowances.

Babyshark Sun 27-Dec-20 20:23:01

I can understand it from your families perspective, most of us have had our fill of loss and sadness and worry. The fun zoom call was probably a much needed laugh and boost. Did you bring it up intentionally because you felt you needed to remind them that people are struggling today it did you just feel overcome with emotion?

I think that would be the important thing for me in terms of whether I would be upset or not.

I am sorry about how sad you felt, I don’t think there are many of us that haven’t felt low at some point so hopefully there’s plenty of empathy for you from your family.

Callistemon Sun 27-Dec-20 20:27:12

Chewbacca

I don't think any of us is in full control of out emotions right now; always on the verge of tears of misery or frustration. I know mine are never far away these days.

It doesn't take much to set me off either, Chewbacca

Don't feel bad about it, Bertha
You have lost a friend and needed a hug, even if just a virtual one.
🤗

One of my relatives has just died, not someone my children know although he and I were close when we were children, but I did mention it on Christmas Day.

BerthaT Sun 27-Dec-20 20:44:21

Thank you

BerthaT Sun 27-Dec-20 20:51:52

Babyshark

I can understand it from your families perspective, most of us have had our fill of loss and sadness and worry. The fun zoom call was probably a much needed laugh and boost. Did you bring it up intentionally because you felt you needed to remind them that people are struggling today it did you just feel overcome with emotion?

I think that would be the important thing for me in terms of whether I would be upset or not.

I am sorry about how sad you felt, I don’t think there are many of us that haven’t felt low at some point so hopefully there’s plenty of empathy for you from your family.

Well looking back I think it was probably a bit of both, I was overcome with sadness, suddenly, but then, as I said, asked them to spare a thought for Joanne and her family

BerthaT Sun 27-Dec-20 20:55:40

Chewbacca

^I'd always be very careful about what I say when the children are listening^

But that's the thing about emotions isn't it? They mostly creep up on us unawares and don't give us time to pre think what to say and do. Most kind, compassionate people would understànd that and make allowances.

Thank you smile

Jaxjacky Sun 27-Dec-20 21:53:29

BerthaT I think we’ve all kept our ‘it’s ok* face on for so long that as some point it just gets too much and we crumple. You’ve given in to your emotions because they’re overwhelming, it doesn’t hurt people to know we’re not perpetually stoic. Sometimes it reminds others of how they feel inside and their vulnerability, but, chin up, you did no wrong, you’re human. X

Babyshark Sun 27-Dec-20 23:09:58

In that case BerthaT, and I say this gently, I think you were out of order. It comes across like You decided your family were having too much fun and so you put a downer on it. I think that could feel - and I’m saying it could feel not how it was - as controlling and attention seeking.

I think you need to apologise and to reflect I why you felt this need to do it.

I do however hope you feel better today and remember that we can still laugh and have fun without being disrespectful to those who are having a tough time.

stella1949 Mon 28-Dec-20 03:38:12

Babyshark

In that case BerthaT, and I say this gently, I think you were out of order. It comes across like You decided your family were having too much fun and so you put a downer on it. I think that could feel - and I’m saying it could feel not how it was - as controlling and attention seeking.

I think you need to apologise and to reflect I why you felt this need to do it.

I do however hope you feel better today and remember that we can still laugh and have fun without being disrespectful to those who are having a tough time.

I agree with PP - it's as if you decided that everyone was just having too much of a good time so you poured cold water over everyone with your bad news.

You do need to apologise , for making it all about you and your feelings. And it would be a good time to think about why you decided to do that, at that particular time .