How do you forgive?

If you love your husband and you love yourself, then you forgive. Nothing worse than having someone ruin your life for one more day than need be. I had a terrible upbringing without all these milestone celebrations. I gave them to my daughters. My daughter-in-law is pretty much cruel even though I extended the same love and celebration to her. Now I have to forgive her for her cruelty which is very difficult. If I don't, it will keep me in that deep black hole. So, your cruel person is gone. Make up for it now and find joy in what you have going forward. It is, literally, the only way.

My ex MIL's meddling was the final straw before I walked out on my ex husband. I cared for my FIL when he was dying at home with cancer. My ex did nothing. I was at college trying to do exams, but yet it was me to had to stay off days cos MIL couldn't even cope giving him medication. He passed away and neither of them spoke to me for days. Then we moved house with his job, she had to move too with us. Took his side in everything, even when he had me in tears she said it was the pressure of his job. He got sacked from 4 jobs because of his temper with colleagues. It just got too much having 3 in my marriage bullying me and I left. His tempers, the bullying, etc was ignored by his mother for years, a late baby, her one and only son that could do no wrong. I have been told his mother misses me and would love it if I called!! I will never forgive them, for the way they both treated me, for the rest of my days. Never.

I’m still going through this to a certain extent. My husband would never stand up to his parents who were rude and very demanding and when I dared to it caused big issues between us.
Father in law died November 2018 shortly after I stood up to her once again when she was incredibly rude to me and said some very unkind things that I can’t forgive. Husband did support me here but not enough to speak to her about it, his attitude is, “Just ignore it”.
After father in law’s death she rang, in tears, and asked me to “Look after” her. She isn’t able to organise her affairs at all and is of limited intelligence. I shop for her and organise everything for her. She is not in the least bit appreciative and finds fault in all I do. I do the minimum I can I try not to let it get to me but it’s hard. My husband is appreciative ( admin etc isn’t his thing) and I only do what I do to support him but it is hard and I can’t help being resentful.... and I can’t forgive her for the things she’s said. She is 85 and housebound.

Wanted to add my point that yes hate does turn on you. It can take time to forgive but it frees you when you do. Pity those who do others wrong and feel good when you are able to rise above the pain caused. Please let go and enjoy the rest of your life. I've been where you are and the freedom that forgiveness gives is like s gift to yourself. Having bad feelings isn't helpful but putting it in s box and let your mind concentrate on good and loving happy thoughts instead.

Op, what works for me is to write it all down (in my case using Notes here on the ipad).....all written sequentially, over a period of time as thoughts come into my head, along with my feelings, then sometimes I also see an odd wise comment here or on Mumsnet, and if it resonates to my situation, I might adapt that to my page as well.

I found I was able to let go - knowing it was there, if I needed to recisit it to justify my feelings, but otherwise no longer taking up my own headspace.

Infact it worked so well, that having intended to ask for advice and help on here - I had solved the problems just through a combination of doing the above.

I still add the odd comment to the note even now -if something is pertinent and resonates.
Hoping that might be helpful.

For 32 years my father-in-law was always very unkind to me,I had to look after him for many years.But then he died,what a relief,my heart soared,pressure lifted.Please try to Celebrate,it is now your time—— could you set up new traditions ? For the family and be the glue,or just make family time sorter—— my husband was always trying to get approval from his father,he never did,maybe your husband felt the same.

You have been very hurt by the actions of your MiL. You sound like a kind, insightful woman who can see others' points of view. If you have, therefore, not quite managed to work out how to deal with the effect your MiL had on you and others, it was possibly serious enough that you may need professional help to find the right strategy. Also - be kind to yourself as you are experiencing a sort of mourning over how you would have liked things to be and what you missed out on.
You certainly don't want her to go on damaging your life or that of your children or grandchildren or other family members, so you must find a way to deal with it. The good news is that there are many good counsellors out there who know of various approaches and strategies which could help you and can assist you to find what works for you. If this is not feasible, I am sure there are good websites that you can learn techniques from. Here are a couple that looked to be giving sensible advice; the second has a search facility for consellors by geographical location
www.healthline.com/health/how-to-let-go#Tips-for-letting-go
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201310/7-practical-strategies-overcome-emotional-pain
It sounds as though your husband did sometimes stand up to her and has realised, admitted, and apologised that he allowed her to cause hurt and damage. I think he has been brave to do so and it also sounds as though he is trying to make amends. You owe it to each other to work through this together, acknowledge the wrongs of the past, but have a plan for the future.
Perhaps you could have a special toast at the bells, putting the past hurts behind; write a letter you might have sent to your MiL acknowledging her good points but pointing out how she caused damage then rip it up; have a party or holiday when circumstances allow as a marker to each other of the start of the rest of your lives together and an end to allowing your MiL to affect you any more .........
If there is the potential for ongoing issues with some of the other in-laws, perhaps agree together what your stragety will be for dealing with those. Limited contact, politely declining things or events you do not want to be part of, how to respond to things that might be said or done.......
The fact you have been able to talk about it is an indication that you are strong enough and determinbed enough to deal with this. Good luck.

None of us can choose our parents, our upbringing, our genes, so yes, I tend to agree with you Albangirl.

I can’t imagine people get pleasure and choose to be cruel or unkind to others, and in my experience such people are unhappy themselves.

My daughter used to work with people who had behaved badly and I remember saying to her how do you work with these people and she answered that some people had not had the chances or upbringing she had receieved and that they needed support and help. Perhaps if Friday is Coming knew more about her MIL,s childhood and earlier life it would bring some understanding of why she behaved as she did.

The apologies are the glue holding du the pieces of a broken plate together

Apologies do not make the plate brand new again

Depending how broken it is, it may be repaired or not.

Some offenses are too big to forgive and forget

So much that has been written here is my experience too; the grief at the waste of what could have been such happy times is something I have carried for decades. I have reflected on why MiL behaved as she did; she was an attractive and talented woman, but created hell for anyone who crossed her, bullied FiL, and when she died the relief was palpable. The feeling that my OH didn't pull her up or ever point out how hurtful she was being has caused damage. I can only say that forgiveness does set you free, but how hard it is to forgive those who seemingly have no remorse or regrets about their behaviour.

I have sat with these same questions in my past. The feelings of letting go will come, but I think what you may not be realizing is that you are in mourning. You are seeing others experience what you feel you missed and you are feeling that loss. Allow yourself to mourn.

I have just read all of this thread and found it helpful. My in laws are still alive. FridayisComing, I am going through similar at the present. In laws who write abusive emails and letters. In the last email they say DH was happier in his first troubled marriage than with me. When asked about this, his answer was...."how should I know" So hurtful. He won't stand up to his parents. When I ask them why they say things I get "it's what we think, the balls in your court now" No apologies ever, they also spread their thoughts to other people. The latest is a remark about my parents from over fifty years ago, they never met them. Both DH's brothers would have spoken up for their partners. Thank you so much for bringing this topic up, I felt really alone. I have taken note of many of your replies. Thank you again.

Its alright to hold on to the memories but with time if you so please the memories will fade.
Will yourself for a release.
What and for whom should you allow your destiny and joy be taken.
Would you rather not begin to take the first steps of a somewhat new beginning.
Please release yourself from.the pain its time to see a new dawn.
Its not going to be easy but its possible

#FridayIsComing I think it's only natural to feel the way you do/did. I was in a very similar situation to you with my MiL although she wasn't terminally ill just a horrible, jealous alcoholic. I also think you are grieving for the support and love you should have had as a young woman with children. However, from your posts your husband seems to have changed and is trying to make amends - not that the things you lost can be made up for. You should grieve for the support/love you didn't get at that time and accept the past can't be changed. I split with my ex husband and he can see what he did and I have no time for him whatsoever. My exBiL has told my adult children never to blame me for the divorce because it wasn't my fault - for which I'm extremely grateful. However, every so often I see a young couple with a baby or just married young relatives and I grieve that I didn't have that but you just need to grieve and move on. It will get better eventually and by the sounds of it your husband has realised and is giving you the support and love you deserve.

Hi, I like you have had very similar problems, which placed my husband in a difficult position, but one I could not understand. I was told by someone very wise, that anger and bitterness eat you up, and are extremely negative emotions. They only affect you, not the perpetrator, who may have no idea how their behaviour affects others. Some people have little self awareness, and are often are very sad, or jealous people. Only you can make yourself sad now. As soon as you begin thinking of the past, which is entirely natural, distract yourself- tell yourself to stop.

I find it very difficult to forgive the things that happened to me and my mother when I was a child. However, I am writing my memoirs ,and although I cry a lot whilst doing this, I find it cathartic at the same time. I am only writing it for myself, but it is my way of silently paying back those people now dead, and I hope letting go.

I cannot forgive my late mil for the way I was treated when I married her son. He was a weak man who took to alcohol rather than stand up to his mother and stand up for his family. I left him and during the divorce he told the judge that I’d only ever moved in as a lodger. To which the judge replied that it was strange we were married with three children! He got his own back - prompted by mil I’m sure - by channelling all his income through the family business so that the CPA awarded me £10 per month per child. Didn’t even cover a week’s dinner money. I really don’t believe in holding grudges but there are a special few people for whom I make an exception and mil is top of the list!

To truly forgive is so very very hard

Above all, it's the process of allowing the painful memories of the past to be resolved in some way, so that you can let them go.
I find that I need divine help when I reflect on the years of abuse in my marriage, and the process of letting go is a very gradual one.
When you were traumatised by the abusive behaviour of your MIL, it left deep wounds in your memory, that are painful to even think about.
I pray and tell God that I haven't enough strength to forgive, and ask for his supernatural help.
Over a period of time, you will gradually be enabled to allow the hurt and pain to be resolved.
Allow yourself time for this.
Be kind to yourself as you work through this process of letting go.
It will benefit and strengthen you, as you refuse to become embittered and permanently damaged by these powerful wounds.
I tell myself that the generational damage will stop with me.

You are a loving, wise wife and mother, who became the victim of a very damaged woman. Your courage, wisdom and strength will stand you in good stead as you become fully the wonderful human being you really are, and have always been.
Your insights and understanding will stand you in good stead as you are able to give wise counsel to others.
May you be blessed and encouraged by all who have written to you today!

Fridayiscoming

I dont think the problem is what happened in the past, it is what it still may happen.

"Everyday i see a change. He has gone out of his way to do things for me without me asking. He has supported me beyond the normal ways in which most wives are supported. He is my right hand and is a brilliant father."

I am so glad you got the husband you deserve!

"However, do i trust he would support me in the event of conflict with in laws? No."
This is written in present tense. Is this still the case that your husband will choose his extended family over you?

" Yet within his family, his brothers wife is untouchable. He is like a lion watching over her. He married a month before mils passing so their circumstances are different but none the less he has always been a beautiful team with his wife. The family know not to breathe the wrong way in the presence of his wife."
Also written in present tense.
If so, what do they do to you that they wouldn't do to bil and his wife?

"The thing is my in laws have become lost without mil. She was the glue. The leader with a clear picture of what she wanted."
Do your ILs know what they want?
What she wanted may not have been what they wanted.

"Now she has gone, the family have become vulnerable and genuinely want to build long lasting relationships."
How about boundaries? How are these new relationships negotiated?

Past interactions tint and mark the future of new interactions. What your ILs have done to you may make this new relationship impossible

I agree with one of the threads about forgiveness needing to be earned. Your MIL sounds vile, and what you should do is address it with your husband. Perhaps he could take you away on holiday to make up for not having your back. Obviously it will have to be when lockdown is over, but I really think forgiveness should be earned, and the offender should say sorry.

My MiL died in September aged 100. Had she been buried and not cremated, I would cheerfully have danced on her grave. She was evil, not only to me but my husband and her own husband. They let her get away with anything she wanted, they always excused her behaviour because of her depression. She could make their lives so miserable that they took the course of least resistance. My husband never stood up to her but I learned to live with that.
I was lucky that I have a good sense of humour and would regale my Mum and friends with MiL stories. I think it helped to let out the frustration.
Don’t forgive her, just look back and remember how evil she was and then forgive your husband. Men are much weaker than we women.

It’s ok to feel that you can never forgive how your husband treated you at that time and to talk to him about that.

If you can find a way to see the difference in forgiving him as opposed to forgiving his actions, then this might help you move forward.

(I hope that makes sense, I’m not very good at writing things down sometimes )

I’d also suggest seeing a counsellor who will be able to help you address these feelings that are coming to the surface.

OceanMama

The problem with just leaving it behind and moving forward with DH's behaviours in the past is that we don't know if they are in the past if there hasn't been a time it's been tested, apology or not. If a situation comes up in future, in any context, where we need someone to be strong for us, can we rely on our DH's to do that? Until I see evidence things have changed, I just can't feel secure in that. Sometimes it feels unfair that I have to be strong for everyone and we've had some very trying and painful times. Who will be strong for me? It's not as simple sometimes as just letting bygones be bygones. I leave my DH's issues with his mother in the past but I don't feel secure for future emotional support if needed. If that makes sense.

Thank you for posting this oceanMama as this explains how I feel too.