How do you forgive?

It's something you will never forget . You have to just try your best to carry on . There will be times when you will be reminded and still she'd a tear . You have to put your big girl pants on and say they can only hurt me , if I let them .

If life was normal you would n't be dwelling on this. This dreadful year has given us time to go over things in the past which hurt. I've heard this from other people too including myself.
We can't go back. We can look to the future with hope but we only have the present. Hold on to the things you have now- a husband you loves you enough to apologise.

I think you are mourning the loss of what should have been positive, happy times in your life which were stolen from you. If you can somehow come to terms with these losses maybe the resentment towards your late MIL and DH will lessen. It’s not going to be easy but maybe get some support to talk these issues through and finally put them to rest. I wish you well x

I hope I'm not going to upset you but , I think you have to look within yourself to set yourself free from the ongoing hurt you feel.
Your MIL is dead, there is nothing she can do or say further as she is, well , dead.
It is only you that is replaying the past, hearing words that can no longer be said .
Those emotions you are going through are the ones you are dredging up from the past and only you can put them back there.
This might seem a bit airy fairy but write her a letter telling her what impact it had on you , call her all the names under the sun if you like, get it all out as only you will see this letter. Then do something significant to it burn it , rip up into small pieces and flush down the loo, bury it etc .
Then draw a line under it all . It's over .

Easy for him to apologise now that she's dead and he can't be tested to prove himself by standing up for you over her, perhaps you may feel; and that's true. Seems to me that you feel deep resentment for this, and understandably so. His position will probably have seemed lose-lose to him, torn between the two women he loves most; and with her not having long to live he felt he should stand by her. But to your detriment of mind; and while an apology will not cover it, one must ask, really, what else can he offer? The past cannot be undone; but nor can your feelings about it. It is surely a good start to sit him down and explain to him fully, absolutely and completely the extent of your feelings. It IS OK to not be able to forgive someone for something in the past; it is destructive, but it is OK. He can only try to make it up to you in other ways that are future, and above all to reassure you, and show you, that you ARE his Number One - which seems to be the issue here. You two must present a united front and he must understand this. Wishing you all the best in the New Year and I hope that you can leave this darkness behind or at least minimise to yourself some elements of the past for the sake of the future.

Forgiveness sets you free. Takes you from the position of victim. I've always found writing a letter I don't send very cathartic. I suggest you write to your late mil, in pen or pencil, by hand, without too much thinking. It should come from the heart or the gut, not the intellect. Good luck.

Love yourself. If others aren’t or have not been- let all of that go.
Know that you are good enough in your own right. Keep reminding yourself, knowing that harbouring bad feelings only serve to hurt you. So be kind to you- look after yourself like you would your own child- everything else will fit in place around you.

A nasty mother-in-law... we were talking about it just this morning, my friend and I, this mother-in-law problem. When people are nasty, you do sometimes, alas, have to deal with them; and you cannot always pretend you didn't hear them, or ignore them. You do not owe her forgiveness, but you owe it to yourself to evict her from your brain, where she is living rent-free. Make sure you are everything that she was not - do not even bring her up as a bad example of motherhood, because that will evoke bad memories.

I feel for you so deeply, you do sound as if you some help coping with your feelings. Why don’t you Google and take a look at some online therapies? Something like meditation or CBT might help you to “let go”, you sound like a lovely, but troubled person, life is too short and too precious to carry this burden with you.

Good luck
May you find some inner peace xx

Forgive your husband he’s apologised many wouldn’t !
Your MiL is dead - gone forgive her she’s not here to care. And she probably never did.
You’re the one drinking the poison no one else - keep doing it. It really is your choice. Or choose to focus on what you have and if that is what you want and makes you happy ficus even more on it and creating a beautiful life. Without the interference of your MiL. If what you have is not making you happy then act take action “you’re not a tree”

Try and concentrate on your family. Ensure that no such behaviours will pass on to your own children. Your husband knows that you are disappointed in him - he will feel guilty and be hurting as you are hurting.

Move forward together in your life journey. Bad things happen but must not be allowed to affect the rest of your life. The future will be calmer.

Forgive and move on otherwise you'll let this eat you up and you'll suffer by becoming all bitter and twisted.

My late DM used to say ‘don’t dwell’

I had similiar with my mil. My husband was an only one and she was widowed a few years after we married. I tried everything with her until her last years when she needed me. She did change a little towards the end but the rows and the awful memories sometimes come back to haunt me. Like you I do feel tarnished and feel sad at the times we lost but I won’t let that stop me from moving on.

Wise words Hetty58 I feel exactly as you do. The past is the past and I refuse to let it affect my life now. It has been difficult but I enjoy my life and look forward to a bright and happy future.

I have heard about people writing letters to others that they can't forgive and putting everything in it, no holds barred, but then destroying it in some way; if mil has a grave, maybe thinking about going there and talking to her telling her how you feel? It's harder when the person has died as the feelings have nowhere to go except by giving voice to them in the ways I've heard about. Not forgiving people just hurts you and not them, as others have said.

Some things are almost impossible to forgive. I do find that I can set those memories aside, though, and move on.

Living in the moment, looking forward to the future, is far more rewarding than ruminating and raking up the past.

I think it may be the case that the length of time it takes to forgive depends on the amount of time you feel you suffered for...
From experience I would say - make the decision to forgive because in the long run it benefits you - it will i promise - I find that way makes it easier to let go of resentment

If your DH is being the man you want, why hold the pass against him now. He regrets and has apologized, you can forgive because if he feels you haven’t turned the page he also could become bitter.

As Pantglas says hate hurts the hater more. Perhaps as your OH is really changed you could draw a line under the past. Will he support you in future? I'm sure he will do is best. No one is perfect.

@mumofmadboys yes mil did plenty of good to me personally and raised the man my dh is today.
I will focus on this today “ Be thankful for the good things, forgive the bad things and move on”
Praying for a much easier day on my mental health.

Can you think of some of the good things your MIL did? Or did she do something well that made your DH how he is today? If you try and be thankful for good things, it is easier to forgive the bad things.
I have mixed memories of my mum which I find difficult to manage and am keen to move on from the thoughts. I often say to myself if thoughts are troubling me 'Be thankful for the good things, forgive the bad things and move on'

I don’t believe that forgiveness is some thing you give to others who wrong you, more a thing you give yourself so that it stops you hurting.

Remember, hate hurts the hater more than the hated.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. After i posted last night, i felt a sense of relief as i knew unknown people around the country / world would be on hand to offer their wisdom.
In response to some of your questions... yes dh has changed. Everyday i see a change. He has gone out of his way to do things for me without me asking. He has supported me beyond the normal ways in which most wives are supported. He is my right hand and is a brilliant father.
However, do i trust he would support me in the event of conflict with in laws? No. Yet within his family, his brothers wife is untouchable. He is like a lion watching over her. He married a month before mils passing so their circumstances are different but none the less he has always been a beautiful team with his wife. The family know not to breathe the wrong way in the presence of his wife.
The thing is my in laws have become lost without mil. She was the glue. The leader with a clear picture of what she wanted. Now she has gone, the family have become vulnerable and genuinely want to build long lasting relationships. They know they will loose their brother if they did not change their behaviour. They knew i would have left him eventually and he would in turn walk away from them either with me or alone.
So if someone was to peer into my life they would think it was a wonderful life. And it is. Many people remark on how supportive dh is of me and my family especially with covid. I thought i was past all this negativity. I don't think its fair to continuously punish dh because he has apologised, made changes and goes out of his way for me. I need to find a way to bury this and move forward. All the problems are historical. The characters in the story have died or genuinely changed. Why am i holding on in such a damaging way? I wish someone could give me a sentence which brings me inner peace so i can put my phone down and feel how o felt just a couple of weeks ago before i was triggered into this black hole.

Forgiving can be very difficult but will not forgiving make you happy? You have been very hurt. Can your OH make it up to you? I think you really need some counselling together so that you can share how you felt and feel now and so that you can understand and hopefully accept your OHs actions. You will never forget but you do need to forgive in order to move forward in a happy relationship. Otherwise it will keep resurfacing.