AIBU to be feeling a bit lost?

I agree OH better to be near your daughter if you need help in the future. I'm glad you sound more positive tonight. Lack of sleep and lying worrying in the wee small hours can only make you feel depressed. Take care

Once again, I can't thank you all enough for such valuable insights and advice. My heart goes out to all of you who are in the same or even worse situations than my own. Why does getting older have to be so fraught with difficulties?

I think when I posted I was having a really down day, and let things get to me, as some have said, possibly down to too much time spent in lockdown.

One or two people have voiced concern about becoming too reliant on my daughter if we should move back, and I agree with that, as she's not the most sympathetic of people at the best of times. However, we've talked about it, and think that if we can just make it easier for them to get to us, should we need help, or for an hour or two on a weekend for an occasional visit, rather than maybe a couple of visits a year which is all they've managed since we've been here, that it would make life a bit better.

Anyway, once again, grateful thanks to all who have contributed, and let's hope that better times are ahead for us all.

OldHag, you don't sound very happy (or even content) where you are, so I think you should plan to move.

Your house certainly doesn't need to be perfect to sell. Maybe you'd want to tackle some important defects (or get someone else to) though.

You could make it a long term plan - for perhaps two or three years in the future - and begin small changes, have a clear out, research a future home.

There's nothing like having a plan, hope for the future and taking small steps to motivate you.

Change you name from Old Hag to change your mindset. I have had back pain ( severe at times) and do all sorts to stay active. Ask your family, who you said are keen for you to move closer, to help get the house in order or pay someone as much as you can afford to help fix things up. Think young, it sounds as if you have written yourselves off. Keep moving, even when it’s painful, gentle Pilates, yoga etc - ask in line (and free) at the moment and, although we don’t do it as a nation, a good therapist might help. Above all stay positive.

OH - you do sound depressed but no doubt you both have real health problems.
My advice would be to arrange Power of Attorney to one or more of your children, if they agree, and get them to arrange the move including selling your house.
We moved back to England from France 3 years ago. We're older than you and even though in fair health it wasn't easy.
A friend recently did the opposite move - she had the double tragedies of her husband dying, then she got cancer. Her daughter and family have taken her to live with them, and her son is going to sell her house etc.

Hi I also have health issues and found that covid has compiled to mental health especially. We have thought about moving away because my husband got made redundant and at 57 struggling to find work. We decided against that has our grandsons are young and they are the only thing that are keeping us sane at these difficult times. I love to visit the coast and know how it makes me feel after a day there. It sounds like you are both struggling with health issues which combines. Would your family help if you moved back nearer, that is the big question. I have sons , they would help if we needed them occasionally I’m sure but not like a daughter would. Hope you can come to a discussion which is best for you. Take care

Dear OH ... you and your husband are clearly having a very difficult time in already difficult times. Can I tell you about my own journey, it may add another perspective to those in all the many replies you have received.
My dream had always been to live at the seaside and when I was sixty I sold up and bought a bungalow at the coast. I loved it despite having similar ( though less severe ) health problems to your own. I joined a U3A and joined different groups and made new friends. The only fly in the ointment was that I lived a long way away from each of my 3 children and longed to see my grandchildren more.
They each wanted me to move near them to help with the childcare, but would of course helped me in turn as I needed it.
To cut a long story short I sold my bungalow 3 years ago and made a long distance move to be near my daughter. One son and my sister also don’t live too far away. I made the mistake of buying a ground floor flat in a Victorian conversation. The neighbours above were really noisy and their dog barked most of the day while they were at work.I couldn’t afford to buy anything freehold as I moved from the north to the south.
I sold this flat after 1 year and bought a lovely flat in a retirement complex ( peace at last! ) I now think this is the ideal solution as you have your own front door, but all the gardening, window cleaning etc is taken care of. In pre-Covid times there were lots of things organised by the social committee, but that time will return again soon ( hopefully! )
Sounds very positive ... but in reality after some initial help with moving in if I need any jobs doing I have to pay contractors. Quite strict boundaries were imposed, which upset me as I am a very independent person and wouldn’t dream of imposing on their time or relationship. They also have very fixes ideas about childcare ( which I give free of charge! )
All of this has really taken me by surprise and I’m reminded of that old saying “ Be careful what you wish for “
I would like my old life back really, but this has been a very expensive journey and I can’t afford to go back. But also of course it would ruin the really good relationship my daughter and I had and still have to some extent.
So my advice would be to take care of your health first and try to think of ways to lift your spirits. Obviously you know your own family really well, but take your time before you make a decision and try to talk about expectations of one another.
Good Luck with whatever you decide.

I am sorry to read your post as you are do young to be feeling like this.Maybe a chat with your family to tell me how you would love to move back but need help to get the house sorted, maybe they may offer some solutions I find it sad that you feel like this as I am 59 and just bought a house in Spain and have a new lease if life. I hope you can get some help from your family with this and that the future looks brighter I do think though that covid has a lot to answer to in causing depression and isolating people but hopefully there is light at the end of the tunnel and spring to look forward to with brighter days

We are 72 and 74, not in best of health and sold our lovely house of 40 years due to family problems and rented locally for six months in the hope of finding a property near DS 50 miles away. We then saw a perfect cottage to rent in a village 20 miles away which we are still in 5 years later. We still have some savings in bank (don't forget if you have to go into care they take the lot, so enjoy it now).

MadeinYorkshire is there any possibility of renting if there's nothing on the market at the moment near your daughter? Please keep your spirits up, things will be easier when we get out of this awful winter.

Hi,
You can always apply to the Local Authority where your family live under health grounds and ask to go in to a supported living scheme. Some private landlords will take you on even though you own your own home on the priviso it is sold. The property you get will be accessible for your needs and if it isn't it soon will be.
Please don't feel defeated because you're not.. Supported Housing schemes are brilliant places to live!!

As others have suggested I would say move near to family ASAP . Don’t worry about the jobs buyers like to put their own stamp on a property. The interest rates are low at the moment as I’m sure yours will sell . Then get hubby’s health all sorted and you’ll be a new woman!

Hello, you sound very, very depressed. I know because I have been very depressed this past year also. So many things to have to accept and deal with...I roiled powerlessly in all my dark feelings for the better part of this last year and decided that I have done the best I can and I am not going to beat myself up for the past. Feeling helpless is not a good feeling either and the isolation has gotten to everyone. I keep telling myself to have patience and hope and someday things will be different and hopefully better. For me, I try to look at each day as an opportunity to engage with old interests and to find new ones to keep perspective. Spring is here and I hope you will feel better when the flowers bloom again. Hugs to you and yours.

OH, lots of great advice for you here, and yes, I also think your husband will improve once he gets his hip operations.
SaltyDog hoping your luck will turn soon.

I could have almost been reading about myself. I’ve had 2 major back surgeries with spinal infections and complications, I’ve been in constant pain due to other health problems as well and am now on the list for 2 knee replacements. I’m 64 my husbands 72 and he’s had 2 knee replacements so we are in similar situation to you. 2 years ago we moved from East Sussex to Devon away from all our family and friends thinking the same as you that we would have a lovely time visiting places, eating out and making new friends. Unfortunately that didn’t work out, same as yourself and also covid happened and we’ve been on our own constantly. Our DS, DIL & DGS have come down a few times and we’ve gone back to Sussex but we’ve all got sick of the journey and expense of traveling. My friends promised to come and see us but never did. We’ve lost a lot of money by moving to ‘our dream home’ but have now decided after both our health’s have deteriorated since moving here, to move back to Sussex. We’ve exchanged this week and move soon. We never finished decorating our new property and can’t afford to move back to where we lived before but we’ve found a small cottage that’s 20 minutes away from DS and are looking forward to going back. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, on reflection we wished we had never moved away from our lovely bungalow in Sussex as we’ve had to compromise on our new home but on the plus side we will be back near our family and friends and hopefully have a social life once lockdown is lifted. When I have my knee replacements I know my DS will be available to help my DH and myself which is a weight lifted of our minds also when we need help with practical things I know they will be there if needed not 5 hours away. To be honest sometimes you’ve got to just cut your losses and think at least I tried. I understand only too well what pain does but as others have suggested maybe try the pain clinic if you haven’t already and try to limit time spent in bed as that does make back pain worse. I’ve had several facet joint injections which help a bit for a few weeks. Possibly if you moved back to family, friends and familiar faces your pain wouldn’t be as bad? I’m slowly having a sort out and trying to pack a couple of boxes a day. The removal men will pack the rest and my DS & DIL will be seeing things in the other end over a 3 day move. If you’re seriously unhappy like we’ve been consider moving back, you can always have your country dreams in breaks or a week away when we’re allowed. Good luck with whatever you decide to do but remember as my dad used to say to me life’s short and you’re a long time dead so try to be happy in the here and now.

Dear OH
You still have many options and time on your side.
Firstly attend to your husbands hips and then knees. If the waiting list with NHS is too long join Benenden Health. For about£14 per month they will give you healthcare (after a 3 month qualifying period) if you have to wait more than 3 months for NHS.
Then decide if you really want to move back. How often are you likely to see the family if you do?
Neither of you are fit enough to do DIY. Decide if the cost of getting someone in to fix the worst problems will cost more than the lower price you would get selling as is. If you can afford it, get the major problems fixed anyway. Do not struggle to do everything yourselves.
Within a year your husband could be back to good health which could make all the difference to your lives.
Don’t get despondent. You still have choices. You have so much going for you. So many couples are unhappy together but you seem content. If you stay where you are, make life easier for yourselves. If you move back towards family try to find a really suitable property that needs no work so will be less strain for both of you.
Husband’s hips first. The poor man must be in agony - you too of course. ?

Hello *OH - I am in a very similar position and I also have money worries. My health has deteriorated even further this year having had 2 major surgeries for a strangulated hernia and the loss of half a kidney due to cancer. I am in constant discomfort, often in agony (had 9 weeks of abdominal pain and am being fobbed off at the moment) feel constantly nauseous and had had enough!

As a result I have had my house on the market so that I can move closer to my daughter (who doesn't drive) so that if I needed her she would be on the doorstep - we are only about 9 miles apart as it is but because of my financial issues I needed to sell my pretty cottage anyway. Now I have the issue whereby there is NOTHING on the market that is even vaguely suitable!! Actually going to see a tiny house on 3 floors on Saturday as it's the only thing available within my budget!!

I have been living downstairs in my kitchen now for over 10 years so how I would manage is anyone's guess - well I wouldn't manage is the point, but have to move into something to be able to port my current product and pay the bank some of my equity. I haven't slept in years properly and just do not know what to do - can't manage rented as that would mean moving twice, and that is going to be a huge project anyway, and my money would just dwindle away .... the Council are wanting me to pay them for any support I have, so any reduction in housing costs would be taken by them. Have considered rehoming my dogs as they cost a lot, but are my family and my bloody companions - especially as things are at the moment - why should I have to get rid of them? They would be very unhappy as would I.

Is it worth it anymore? I am really not that sure? My daughters would be devastated - especially one that has major MH issues, who also wants to die, and I couldn't do it to my Mum who at some point, she is 85 now and living 4 hours away, will need me - but it's getting to the point where I can't drop everything and drive to her now, so want her down with me, but she won't make up her mind. She would be leaving our gorgeous family home which is worth nothing where it is and moving to a box in one of the most expensive areas of the country .....

Ahhhhhhh! Why is everything so stressful?

Sending you *OH xx

I would second moving back near to family - maybe look at renting something to start with maybe a flat or small property, putting your house on the market and let the agents deal with the sale. You might not need to do as much work as you think. Get a price and advice. Your family might be able to help. Good luck

I can identify with you. I have problems with my back and my knee which make it impossible to walk without support, and it's getting worse. I live alone, but have worked out strategies for living independently; I can still drive, but have lost the confidence to do so - there is little need at the moment. I order everything I need online. I am anxious that the relaxation of restrictions will bring a whole new set of problems for me - going out is hard work, I shall have to face up to driving, and tasks which I have to undertake take so much longer than they used to. I am too used to the cocoon which is my home and it is too easy to stay here.
However, your question asked how we are coping. Like you, I constantly remind myself how many people are worse off than I am, that I had many years of healthy, active life before this set in. I can take pleasure in contact with family and friends and am planning a holiday with all of my children and grandchildren (not this year!). I can enjoy the beauty of nature, from my window, as spring approaches. I am researching my family tree, I do jigsaws. Yes, I do watch TV, and it's not all rubbish; I am actually learning a lot. This isn't how I had envisaged my retirement, but I am still here!

I too would suggest you speak to your GP. Perhaps he could send you to a pain clinic. Things have moved on with medication in the last twenty years. Maybe your husband should get a mobility scooter too if his pain is so bad.
Move back to be nearer your family if you think it’ll make you happy but don’t then blame them if you see less of them than you’d like.
I had a wonderful neighbour a few years ago who was in constant pain. When she voiced her thoughts about whether life was worth living, as she did maybe once a month, my reply was always the same:- is this life better than the alternative? Her answer was always ‘yes’ until she was 86 when it became intolerable.

Do nothing in a hurry. You are both young and it will be possible to get health care that improves the situation for both of you.

So I think with summer coming you need to plan to enjoy what you have. You may decide that next year you will move and you are saying good bye.

I does help to have got an over view of what each location would hold for you and it helps a lot to know what is important to yourselves.

You could plan goals in each area of life using theis goal mapping site

goalmapping.com/

the basic level for one goal is free, However, if you decide you would like to use it, the basic subscription lets you make to do lists and print them off for each goal. This then allows you to get a clear idea of what success in each area involves.

This process would help with decision making and enable you to find out what it is that is important to you for the next 40 years of your lives!!

First I know exactly how you are placed, as my husband has much the same back trouble as you are describing, and I too am begining to wonder how much longer we can carry on where we are.

If what you are feeling now is not simply a case of severe lockdown blues and you both feel a move is indicated, then the sooner the better.

You say there is work needed if the house is to be saleable - could your family who want you nearer be roped in to help with that work once the restrictions are lessened again?

Or could you afford workmen in to do it?

Or can you afford to sell the house for less because of the work needed?

Talk to citizens' advice or a good accountant and find out whether there are any government schemes for doing up property that you could avail yourselves of and whether these alterations or repairs are tax deductable. If you can get financial help take it - it might just be what you need to afford getting workmen in.

But please do get a reputable firm and a written estimate, don't fall for the little local chap who will do it off the books, will you?

I think we all go through the phase of feeling that life hasn't much more to offer us, I know I did at your age, I am 69 now, and right now life looks reasonably bright again. It will for you too,

Another thing, if you haven't already been there and done that, do persuade your GP to refer you to a dept. for pallitative medicine. A lot of us are taking various medicines that nullify each other because no-one has checked what is actually being prescribed for us and there are other forms of reatment available that might, just might, help

Good luck!

PS I wouldn't worry too much about sorting stuff out before moving - when my parents moved from a large house to a bungalow, my Mum struggled to find the energy to declutter (and Dad wasn't interested) - they ended up bringing EVERYTHING (even half used bars of soap from under the sink and old floor cloths) and anything that wouldn't fit in the bungalow, was stored in boxes in the garage - it was stuffed right to the roof - or in a nearby storage unit. Took nearly a year to sort through it all and get rid - but they had help to do it after they moved, which helped. Don't let all those "when we do X" provisos stop you from making the step it sounds like you want to do.

One thing that lockdown has done is massively increase the demand for houses in the country, so i would say you couldn't have picked a better time - if you decide that's what you want to do. Friends of ours (in their 60's) decided to move (out of the countryside) and, despite the house needing work, were amazed when it was snapped up by the first viewing and for the asking price (which was far higher than they thought it was worth). It the house is clean and tidy and looks fairly well maintained (no leaky taps, broken windows, etc) then I would think you would have no problems selling it; I certainly wouldn't wait until you have all those jobs done. As a first step, maybe ask an estate agent to have a look and give you their opinion - then you can decide whether or not to go ahead?

I can identify with a lot of this. We moved back to N.ireland from England 20 years ago when we were younger, no grandchildren and no health problems. Our children had all grown up in England and now live in three different areas of GB and we have grandchildren. They all love visiting here but lockdown has made us feel very isolated and especially as my husband is unwell. Like you and old house which needs a bit of work and the thought of selling up, house hunting close to one of the family and moving is too exhausting to contemplate at the moment. No easy answer but I identify so my sympathy.