DH daughter has announced her pregnancy

Congratulations to you and your DH on the news of your forthcoming GC/step GC Farmersdaughter.

For your DH, this will be his first GC so his remark, all be it a little insensitive, is understandable.

It's a great pity that you 'rolled over' to begin with when it came to your joint income being spent on your respective AC, with more being spent on your step D. In your position, when your step daughter was getting married, I would have 'compensated' my D to make it equal, whether my H had liked it or not.

OK, it's too late to do anything about that now but it's not too late to even out the amount that was spent on the moses basked when compared to what your H will be spending before the new baby is born.

If you're not happy with his willingness to spend more on his D than is spent on your's, you need to tell him and so do something about it as once this baby arrives, things may only get worse.

My word, Farmer's daughter, you are jealous.

I think your husband has been generous; your daughter was an adult when he married you, and he was under no obligation to provide anything for your daughter, but he did.
I advised you earlier to have a separate savings account, and as you feel so bitter about the differences in weddings, honeymoons, Moses baskets et al, you should withdraw the money you have already contributed and explain why. Simmering resentment will destroy what should be such a happy family occasion. You are very lucky to be having three grandchildren.
Your own daughter, incidentally, doesn't seem perturbed by it at all.

Oh goodness. Of course he's thrilled. He couldn't have said, oh that makes number three. It's his direct bloodline - give him some leeway and be happy for him.

I'm step granny to two gorgeous grandchildren and I love them dearly. My son is expecting his first child any time now, and I said exactly what your DH said- 'my first grandchild' when they told us. As others have said, it's the genetic bit - I was delighted when my step son announced the arrival of my grandchildren, and I always think of them as 'mine'. The only bit that's different is I long to see the child of my child. Will he be like my DS as a baby, who will he look like? I will not treat him differently I hope. If there is a difference it will be that I will not need to tread as carefully with the other Granparents(s). My husband is not on friendly terms with his ex-wife, and I try very hard not to upset her. Babies bring a world of love with them, enough for all the grandparents, genetic or not. Enjoy your new grandchild, and be kind to your DH in enjoying this time

Farmersdaughter...you are going to have to put your foot down and not let your husband dictate how 'your' money as well as his money is spent on each of your children! It will cause hurt otherwise! He has to understand that...what is decided to spend on 'one' child will be spent on the 'other'! Or if he wont go with that...separate your savings and just come together for bills.

Sit down over a cup of coffee and talk to him. Explain your fears gently in a non-accusatory manner. He will probably put your mind at rest but at the same time please join in his delight at the happy news.

If the money is coming from a joint account the amount should be agreed first between you. If he wants to give more he must do so out of his own money. I’ve seen these things escalate out of control before so be very wary how you tackle it. Good luck

He probably would have thought a bit more before saying this had he not been so overcome with joy; we all say things we probably should have phrased better. I would ask him in a quiet moment about it.

Dear me, what an unhappy relationship this is. Both sides.

Just finishing off to say good luck going forward Farmersdaughter and thanks for popping back on a few times to acknowledge our posts - that’s nice of you - it doesn’t always happen on AIBU threads!
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Agree with Monica and Riggie regarding posters doing that, it does happen a lot.
I think you should have your own bank account with your own money to spend on what you like. I really see no issue with what he’s done, the blended families that I know this sort of thing happens often and is accepted. I wouldn’t rock the boat it just shows jealousy I would just open your own bank account then you can buy your dd and gc whatever you want.

My ex never paid a penny towards my children for the whole time they were children, their stepfather did. My DH adopted my son when he asked him to and has mainly treated him as his own since he was 2 years old. However, do I kid myself that he feels exactly the same for my son as his own? Absolutely not. He is only human. What I ask of him is that he doesn't show that difference to my son. He would never hurt my son deliberately but can sometimes be unwittingly unthinking.
I helped bring up his children and try very hard to treat them similarly but the reality is, my children do come first. My stepchildren love me and call me Mummy2 in jest but the reality is their Mum comes first to them...as she should.
My husband paid for his daughter's wedding and could have reasonably expected that my daughter's father would have paid for hers. Of course, he didn't so I spent my savings to help her. We didn't pay for any of our sons' weddings but we did give them something for their honeymoons. We chose a traditional approach because with 4 boys and 2 girls we'd have been bankrupt. The boys were also in very different situations than the girls with fathers who could help or the sons earning very good money.
The main difference between you and us though, appears to be an ability to communicate and respect each other's decisions. You are in a very different situation in that neither of you brought up each other's children so the bond is not going to be as great so maybe the differences are to be expected in some ways. However, you do sound very resentful of your Stepdaughter and her father's relationship. Some of your posts sound like you actively dislike her but perhaps that is where you are angry. Maybe your DH senses that so doesn't want to discuss things with you for that reason. It sounds like you may have issues between you and your DH which you need to work upon.

Mummyjojo perhaps there is some guilt he left the relationship and he's trying to make up for that. Urmstrongran - it does eat away at me.

Just to add to the others I agree with, I don’t think the grandchild thing he said is an issue at all. The money situation IS. You should be equal but you’re not, which means he has power over you and that’s not right. You need to point this out to him. Are you a little intimidated by him? Time for a heart to heart conversation I think.

But MummyJoJo isn’t trying to even things up from a past relationship ‘tit-for-tat’ too?
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Also, I’d want to help out my struggling daughter and son in law in these difficult times and I suspect you can’t without running it by Himself first? That would eat me up in itself!

And why did you marry this man farmersdaughter? He sounds worse and worse the more you tell us.
A friend of mine who battled with a similar situation is now on her own and much happier.

However if you love him enough to put up with his selfish/bullish ways then I guess you have to grin and bear it.
Good luck to you.

Golly Gee this is getting very "tit for tat" isn't it? I think everyone needs accept that blood is thicker than water and t'was ever thus but it doesn't mean you can't all revel in the joys of what each part of the family bring.Stop focusing on money too! never a happy outcome on that score. But I am wondering if a great deal of this adoration is hiding an element of guilt that he hasn't been there for his daughter during her childhood/teens?was she living with his first wife/partner? I think there is a huge part of you that feels you may have lost a bit of power and I don't mean that in mean way. I have had and am having very similar experience and have admitted such that to myself.
Good luck and ENJOY LIFE!!!! It aint "alf short!

M0nica

Why do OPs only ever tell half the story? You respond to that, then they post extra information, not litttle things that might be helpful, but the other half of the story that often completely turns upside down the tale the OP originally told.

My thoughts exactly.
Prwsumabky added because answers were not going her way....

I agree with Nannan2. We always had separate bank accounts and shared all the household bills, holidays, gifts etc between us; as my husband earned more than me his contribution was more but I still had my own money I didn't have to consult anyone with. So do our daughters and their husbands, one of whom have separate current accounts and a joint one they both transfer money to for household bills. I can understand your husband's excitement over the news of his daughter's pregnancy, but I do think he is being unfair on how he spends your joint finances on them and begrudging the same for your daughter. Does he perhaps feel he has to compete with his daughter's mother? In light of all this, if it was me I would open a current account and have my money paid into that and transfer a proportion over to a joint account after discussing the domestic outgoings. You can then spend and contribute what money you like to your daughter without consulting your husband, and he can do the same thing. I think your husband needs a wake up call when it comes to finances, your contribution, unfairness and who actually is being mean spirited (and it's not you!)

Nannan2 yes your right in all honesty how can I expect him to treat them the same they are 'his blood' as has been said so many times. And your right also from the comment he made. The wedding should have been the catalyst for this conversation. It was so unfair on so many levels and I let my own DD watch it play out from the side lines and she never mentioned it or commented at least not to me once. I've do need to calm down and then I can tackle this conversation. I think if I were to withdraw my half of the savings it wouldn't end well! However you did make a good point about not adding to it and starting my own I will be looking into opening my own a bit of independence never did any harm did it!

Whatever happens before it matters, I hope your wills safeguard both daughters inheritances equally. If you went first I wouldn't trust him to give your daughter and family a fair share after he dies.
On the other hand, if you have safeguarded inheritances, there is plenty of time to equal up gifts in the future and you really do need to stand firm if you want to give your daughter help that she needs. He is not the all mighty patriarch, and if he thinks he is, you need to put him right (IMHO). Good luck with it all, do try to show joy for his daughter; it isn't her fault and you will be the person who suffers in the end if you don't. (Again IMHO)

Lets be honest here.No, he wont treat them the same, Its obvious by what he said that this gc is the one he considers 'his own family' just the same as he favoured his own dd when she married.And same way the first ACTUAL gc only got a moses basket..If half this money that gets spent on his own daughter/gc is yours- if i were you id withdraw my own half NOW and stop adding to that kitty and have my own bank account for my savings.only contribute to that shared account enough for half your housekeepings/bills etc..then id treat my own dd/gc's how i wanted/when i wanted.Tbh, why are you even married still to this mean, selfish, stingy man? ?As for them just walking in, keep the door locked in future, and tell them all off for it in no uncertain terms.If it was me, id tell them also theyre lucky i didnt report them for it.!

Having read other comment from the original poster there is a lot more going on here. It is the simple case of blood is blood. I think the emotion felt when your child has a child will always be different to the emotions felt when a step child has a child. This us not something we have control over. It just happens. Oh and original poster your first sentence says a lot on how you feel about step daughter.

Well I may be a bit unpopular here but have to say I totally understand fd’s point of view if my DH said something like that I’d be hurt. Seeing as that’s the case I think a conversation with fd’s DH is in order. Hopefully it can be discussed without any falling out.What if something is said in front of the other grands? Especially the 6yr old. Our 6yr old grandson is becoming well aware that his other nanny doesn’t see him much she refused to come to his birthday tea because her son wouldn’t taxi her backwards and forwards. She managed to see her other grandson on his birthday the following day tho!
As for walking straight in I’ve had to tell DH not to do it when going into our DD and DSIL home!