DH daughter has announced her pregnancy

We have a blended family, all five children lived with us and saw their other parents whenever they wanted to but normally alternate weekend. My dh has treated all the children and grandchildren fairly and with loads of love. As far as money is concerned we are scrupulous in our dealings. I would insist on parity if I were you but at the same time be the first to buy a little something for the parents to be. Express delight at the prospect of the new baby. It's natural to have a little extra in your heart for your own but we didn't let it show. We totally show our love of them all. Behavior begets behaviour. If your dh wants to give the new baby more, you could insist the others in the family receive something of the same value as you will both want to be fair in your treatment.

As a therapeutic counsellor, I have been surprised to hear many clients say that they accepted an existing child as their own when they moved in with the parent of that child but then seemed to think it was quite natural to favour their newborn child when it arrived and more than one person has said "Well naturally he/she got pushed out a bit and I did spend more time with my own child." I'm not judging, just saying.

Hi Seajaye my DD dads contribution towards her wedding was the cake! DD and her husband saved relentlessly and as yet have never had a honeymoon. DD at one point worked 7 days a week hairdressing and DSIL worked extra shifts to make up the money for their wedding. I really did feel guilty when we put so much into DSD wedding. And yes we went without. DSD mother is very comfortable owns her own home and rents out her father's and another. I have no idea how much of a contribution she made towards the wedding. My DD being a hairdresser has no income at the moment and DSIL is furloughed so things are tight as they are for many nowadays. DSD still working as is her hubby so there is a difference in finances between the couple's at the moment. The money came from our joint account. Your right there's years (hopefully) of Birthdays Christmas' ahead of us I need to try and sort this out but probably let the dust settle first and calm down first!

Time for a calm heart to heart here. Express how it “appears” and how much this hurts you. How deeply it would offend if your daughter knew. Express calmly that this will only lead to deep resentment within you. That it cannot continue as it will not end well.

I had 2 adorable GCs from my SD, first ones in the family & much loved. My SS has 2 obnoxious little brats badly behaved GC who both myself & DH loved but didn't like. However when DGS1 was born to my DD I did feel differently because he is my DD's, I don't love the others any less but the blood tie is so important. My DH adored all the DGC, never differentiating between them. My only sadness is that he didn't live long enough to see DGS2 born.

Financially we always discussed & agreed on everything, joint finances & we were even handed with my SD, SS & DD, never favouring one over another

My DH and I have together since our children were at secondary school age. Now all 4 of them are married and we have 7 GC in total. I love my SGC and have often looked after them and miss them so much during the lockdown. All the GC are treated equally when it comes to treats or presents but I must admit that my biological GC are the light of my life. I have no family outside my AC and GC so they’re even more special. I keep this to myself. My DH probably feels the same but you could never tell.

Some people never think and just blurt things out. Maybe your husband is one.
But the money is another matter.
My mil was highly delighted when I was pregnant with my first child but made her displeasure shown when a second girl appeared. When a third girl appeared to mbil she told us all what she thought. When their boy was born everything was centred on him to the point my girls noticed.
Money was secretly and openly given to them she paid for big supermarket shops for them. His Christmas toy was always bigger than the girls. She bought him clothes. Even his Easter egg was bigger and better chocolate.
I never acknowledged her behaviour but after that always did what I wanted after talking to my h.
I know this is your husband but the money is shared you have worked for it and you should have a say in what is done with it. Maybe you have been trying to be too accomodating.
Some people just want to see their genes carried on in their name.
Tell your husband you are giving your daughter a substantial amount the next time your daughter needs money. It will cause confrontation but quietly point out you have your opinions on money matters as well. Say you would like to shop with him and help him choose the pram.
As for the
coming round during lockdown say you would like to be phoned and asked if it is appropriate the next time they want to visit.
It might cause a lot of confrontation but you cannot live happily with your resentment you will be looking for examples all the time
Best of luck.

I think he is naturally delighted that his own daughter is now having a child but perhaps did not express his pleasure in the most tactful way.

I think you need to let the dust settle and tackle your financial issues separately as calmly as you can. You can do this neutrally around retirement plans, if need be. There is no point harbouring grudges as you can not change the past. There might be other reasons for his approach to generosity. We do not know if you husband's daughter's mother was in a position to help out on her wedding expenses. We do not know if your daughter's father helped out with your daughter's. We do not know if the honeymoon his daughter had was more extravagent than your daughter's. We do not know if your daughter and his daughter have the similar financial means. We do not know if the extra contribution to his daughters wedding caused you personal hardship. Did he take the money from joint savings or out of his own?
There might be a multitude of reasons why different levels of contributions might have been reasonable depending on the circumstances - you and he need to agree or at least agree to disagree. Don't let it fester as it will not solve how angry and hurt you are getting already. You have years ahead of Christmas and birthday present buying so try to sort it out going forwards.

Fractured finances seems to be the bigger issue here, in my opinion. The situation has already caused you some resentment Farmersdaughter and it’s not going to sort itself. You must either accept he’s the boss when it comes to money matters such as ‘no holiday’ or sit down and tell him why you’re upset.

Communication is key. Always.

My lovely MIL had two adopted GC. They were 13 and 15 by the time our first son, their blood grandchild, came along. They were so excited and my SIL, mother of the adopted children, said that they had not been so enthusiastic during the adoptions. MIL never loved the adoptees less, it was just that ours were her own ‘blood’ and she could not help but have the connection.

I adore my two grandsons from my stepdaughter but my son has now started a family. I don't know if it's genetics or blood or what it is but I practically worship the ground my son's two children toddle on! This doesn't mean I don't love the first two... but I don't feel as consumed to the same emotional level. I didn't know them as newborns, maybe that has something to do with it. However, this works the other way round for my husband! So all's fair.
My stepdaughter has recently announced she's expecting a third and, for some reason, I feel just as strongly in love with this yet-to-be-born baby as my son's. So that throws a spanner in the blood theory.
I guess I just wasn't ready to be a Naninka with the first two, since they are now approaching teens and I'm only early 50s.

From a different perspective, we are about to become first time grandparents later this year. All our friends have grandchildren already. We’ve very much felt that we are ‘not in the club’ but very soon we will be. Possibly your husband felt sad that he had no blood grandchildren but now he is going to be a grandparent to his daughters baby. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for those of your daughter but it’s obvious it is not the same. Also, dads do spoil their daughters. They want them to have a nice wedding, not worry about prams, cots etc. We’ve offered to buy those for our little grandchild. I think it’s a normal reaction. He’s as proud as punch and why shouldn’t he be?

M0nica

Why do OPs only ever tell half the story? You respond to that, then they post extra information, not litttle things that might be helpful, but the other half of the story that often completely turns upside down the tale the OP originally told.

Totally agree MOnica it happens a lot especially with new posters.

Oh yes and fuming over the fact they just walked in and sat down! We're in a pandemic but this didn't bother them neither did they seem bothered by the fact they informed us that we were their last port of call to break the news! Great they'd been to DSH brother in another county - 50 odd mile away in the morning then all the rest of his family parents and grandparents then DSDs mum and grandfather and finally us! Brilliant so much for not mixing I understand fully how excited they are but come on - he's a community officer his dad is a police officer as is his brother!! Unbelievable.

I think you better let him know your feelings and lay down some rules now, otherwise your resentment will just grow and grow. Yes your dgc will not understand if he withdrawals his affection. You both obviously came to your marriage with what they call “baggage” buts he’s not prepared to carry the weight of yours. Do you want to continue with this marriage- be frank with him and let him know what he is risking if he continues in this vein.

His response to his own daughter 'expecting' sounds normal. I think you may be feeling a little jealous. Do you think of the mum to be as an actual daughter. How can anyone. But you can still be excited for them.

So just share his delight in the fact that his birth daughter is pregnant. He's proved himself to your children so give him a break and don't spoil his happiness.

I’ll be honest, I’ve got 5. GC whom I all love dearly but they are all my DH from his first marriage. My only child has not yet had children herself and if I’m honest I doubt she will BUT oh how I long to have a GC from my own blood. I have no jealousy of the relationships between my DH and his children or GC but I think it’s natural to want a GC of your own blood.

Any father who is old-fashioned enough to pay for his daughter and step-daughter's wedding these days deserves praise not nit-picking about the amounts involved.

You have not told us anything about what kind of relationship your children have to their step-father, so perhaps they are cool towards them and that is why he is so delighted by his own daughter's news.

Please, try to get his into proportion. It is natural for your husband to be more pleased by his daughter's pregnancy than by those of your children.

Admittedly, he could have been more tactful, but there again why should he? Were you not obviously less delighted than when your daughter came with similar news, or has that not happened yet?

Push this to the back of your mind and be glad for the couple who are expecting their first child. If you go on about this, you risk causing a rift in the family.

Neither of the girls lived with us mine is older an was at uni when we met and DSD lived with her mum although was 18. I know he's very fond of my DD and her children and as mentioned they adore Grandpa and I will be gracious and welcome this little one I've sorted knitting needles out already! I guess it really does come down to all things being equal. DD has turned a blind eye to the blatant favouritism in the past just as I have. I do fear that when she finds out as she will - thanks to social media SD is happy to tell the world everything including what Daddy buys her it will deeply hurt her, not so much for her but for DGC as anyone would be. I think there's a difficult conversation to be had regarding finances. I will when as it happens bring up the Moses basket vs Pram and nursery however I fear I will have to resign myself to the fact it's been said now so she will expect it! The year DSD married we didn't have a holiday as "finances are tight what with the wedding and everything" was the standard line he gave everyone, when I questioned this was accused of being mean and mean spirited. I guess I'm going to have to stop rolling over.

It would be a good idea to have separate savings accounts, then you can each spend what you think fit on the children and grandchildren.
Has your husband adopted your daughter?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Did things end on good terms with his daughters mother, before he married you ?
Perhaps he's feeling guilty if he left when his daughter was younger and he's trying in his own way to make it up to her.

Farmersdaughter
are you jealous of the relationship between your husband and his daughter?

I have a very dear friend, herself an adopted child, who brought up two little boys from her husband's first marriage and has grandchildren through them.

When their only daughter together ( her only child ) gave birth to a baby boy, my friend held this little one in her arms and realised this was her first truly blood relative. Knowing her she wouldn't have said that in so many words, and not at that time, but it was an overwhelming emotion that she has shared with me.

Just another thought to add to the mix - not a solution, sorry!

Never mind the family issue, how did the couple ' just walk in'. Isn't there a lockdown where you live?