I'm so worried.

My ex was an alcoholic I was with him 11 years and it was horrendous honestly the worst time of my life. It was hard with three babies to care for and absolutely no help. I found bottles hidden all over the house, shed, garden you name it. He was in a constant drunken haze and when he didn’t have a drink he got the DT’s barricading us in the house, ‘seeing’ men outside with guns hearing neighbours talking about him pressing my head against the wall because I said I couldn’t hear anything- and so much more. I left and struggled financially but it was the best thing I ever did for myself and the children. My 2nd DH is a wonderful husband, father and grandfather and we’ve been married 39 years my alcoholic ex died at just aged 50 due to the drink. Please tell your daughter to read these messages her life will be a misery if she goes back - virtual hugs to you both x

BlueBelle has summed the situation up very well, I want to add that your daughter has no need to feel guilty. It is not her fault that her fiancé drinks too much.

The person responsible for this sad state of affairs is him. It takes time for an alcoholic to realise that he needs professional help, but unless he does so, your daughter needs to be very clear about the risks of a relationship.

If she is prepared to live with or marry him, she needs to keep firm control of her own money, make sure there never is any form of alcohol in their home and be prepared to turn friends, either his or hers, away, if they turn up bringing drink in any form. She also needs to realise that even if he is sincerely willing to stop drinking there will be relapses - many of them, which she will need to deal with.

This can be done, but it is never easy - I know, as I have been there and done that. I honestly would not wish the same for anyone, even although I do love my husband, as I am sure she loves her fiancé.

Another point is, does she want children? Our problem started late in life, so there were not children to consider, only and adult son. Frankly, children deserve two sober parents.

Sadly, having grown up with an alcoholic father, he is highly unlikely to change. Growing or even living with someone with these issues is permanently stressful, painful and at points terrifying. Please persuade your daughter to accept his choices as he is highly unlikely to ever truly change, and walk away protecting herself from years of pain.

Someone very close to me went through this. The more addicted he became the harder she tried to keep things on track, She is a very ambitious and hardworking person. They got married and he then announced that he did not want children. No mention of that until they were married. Eleven years into the marriage she ended the relationship and the marriage. She met someone else, a very decent hardworking man, they are married and have two delightful children. They are a very happy family with love and mutual respect at the heart of their relationship.

A friend of mine married an alcoholic. They never had a social life together, because he was drunk most evenings. She couldn’t ask people round, for the same reason. She felt very lonely throughout the marriage, but felt she couldn’t leave, because he wouldn’t cope. Well, guess what - HE left HER for someone else! Although he did rehab, he relapsed, and his disease eventually killed him.

Your daughter does need to find out about co-dependency - enabling an alcoholic is a full-time job.

He's had 6months alone*

If he was going to stop he would have done so by now.If he wanted to.He's had 6months alone, he clearly doesnt want to stop. She would be a fool to go back.But you can't decide for her.?

Sorry, but no. Run. In no way her fault and I doubt he will ever change because he can’t. I’ve seen the ruin alcoholics bring to families. No.

Florida12

Riggie, I too had this accusation, “I have never seen him give up so much for a woman! (And there were dozens) as he has for you!”

Reeeeeeeally?

Blimey, that statement was rancid with codependency and enabling eh?

I hope you are in a better place with such people now Florida12.

The best thing she can do is to steer well clear . Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic . Her life would be nothing but a misery . It would be any excuse for him to have a drink and when he is drinking he would blame her for it . Nothing good could come from this relationship .

Lululemon

My 32 year old daughter was due to get married last August. A few months before that she found out her fiance had a problem with alcohol (drunk when she got home from work, he eventually had a seizure, hidden booze bottles etc). They've been on a break and been living apart for 6 months.He's saying everything would be ok if she went back to the flat to live. She feels so guilty and is wondering if she is to blame for it all. I feel so helpless and powerless.

He needs to sort himself out. If he can't get straight on his own then there is no help for him depending on a wife to do it for him.
Alcoholics need to have a great strength of will to kick the habit which needs to be 100% abstinence or nothing. There can be no half measures.
If she loves him, she needs to let him sort things out; if he loves her he needs to prove it my showing that his love is greater than alcohol.
Alcohol will continue to be a threat to his life and any family he has for the rest of his life.

Riggie, I too had this accusation, “I have never seen him give up so much for a woman! (And there were dozens) as he has for you!”

Reeeeeeeally?

My father was an alcoholic. He ruined my, my brother's and my mother's life. Even after he died his influence carried on. He half heartedly tried AA, but always thought he knew better. He was a bomber pilot in the war and his tears as he (drunkenly) relived his missions gave a clue as to why he became what he was, though PTSD was not recognised in those days. We would all have been better off without him, in every conceivable way. On the other hand one of my best friends from uni hit rock bottom after decades of drinking, went to AA and somehow pulled himself out of his ditch and has not touched a drop since. he's now a wonderful mentor to other alcoholics and has returned to being the brilliant person we had lost sight of. I f she returns before he reforms his behaviour, he won't do it I would say. She can't make him stop drinking, only he can, and he needs to be able to do this with or without her; life is full of too many excuses to feel sorry for himself and reason he deserves a drink unless he has the resolve to stay sober on his own. Good luck to you all. I hope she doesn't inflict an alcoholic father on her future babies.

Nell G is so right, I always believe actions speak louder than words. We really cannot control people’s decisions just be there for her.
And, it is not her fault, this is his problem, and he has to own it.
Perhaps she felt that she enabled him in the past?
I sincerely hope she doesn’t go back to him.

Yesterday his mother sent my daughter a horrible message blaming my daughter for wrecking her son's life

No he wrecked it himself

Please say to her, if he proves he is genuinely getting the right help, and does really want it. then there is a chance from a distance. I no

from experience, the promises etc. I spent 26 yrs with 4 children waiting on him getting sober. never happened. Died of alcohol abuse at 49. Iam still suffering 20 yrs later. His family blamed me for all the lies he told and still do.

Such good advice here so you can direct her to the right area to talk if she needs it. I agree that it wouldn't help to say anything against him but, despite not knowing if our AC listen to anything we say, they do occasionally, much later, say 'it really helped when you said ....'. So I would keep saying to her that it is absolutely not her fault and to ignore his DM as she is just upset and lashing out. Also, because there was no sign of him drinking before might just mean that he hid it better. Try to bolster her confidence as much as you can, it must be so hard for her to lose the future she planned. She is already a victim of his alcoholism. I really like Humbertbear's mantra, if you feel she wouldn't like you discussing this on GN, you could tell her you've been looking into it online.

Please let her read these posts.
She will be upset, she could well be angry , you will be showing her what she already knows.

I used to work with people who had an alcohol addiction, and they will promise the earth. Some people do of course beat it, many don't. No way of telling yet. He needs to prove himself and spend quite some time dry to show he's kicked the addiction.even then he might relapse a few times before he can say he's free of it. Its your daughters choice, but she could continue to see him, without going back till he's proven himself to have kicked the habit

Like others, I feel it is not at all your daughter's fault. I expect her boyfriend's mother was lashing out because she is frightened and upset. That doesn't make it right of her to do so but it is possibly the motivation behind it.

I do not think your daughter should return and I do not think she ought to marry him. Let's hope, for his own sake, he gets the help he needs.

I wish all concerned the best of luck.

Alcoholics can change - they will always be alcoholics but they can be in recovery. However actions are what matters - addicts lie. If he does go to re-hab or really gets into AA all could be well. It is up to him - no one else can take any responsibility for his actions and she can encourage him, if she loves him but she must not become an enabler.

I would advise reading a very small book called "Co-Dependence No More" by Melanie Beattie. It helped me enormously when I was dealing with my Ex - Husband. Ask your daughter to also read it to see if she can identify the behaviours.

Please ask your daughter to speak to a counsellor to work out her feelings before she embarks on giving the relationship another chance. Also, as somebody else said, tapping into AlAnon may be an eye opener.
You don't say whether your potential SIL has had rehab because without it, I'd be amazed if he had been able to come back from the depth of alcoholism which caused seizures.
My late brother was an alcoholic and he went from being an anxious but honest person to someone who would have sold their own granny to get money for booze, or later when he'd cracked the booze, drugs. It was a nightmare for everybody involved. Even when he was on the wagon, you always knew that it was easy for him to fall off. Indeed, the last time he fell off, it killed him because his body couldn't take the onslaught.
In the long run, addiction takes away all empathy and those standing in the wings are hurt so badly. Your daughter needs to know that before she makes her choice and she needs to find that out from someone other than you.

You’ve probably read some of my posts regarding my late Brother.

2 failed marriages, 2 children that he literally ran away from (on the youngest child’s birthday) and never saw again.

Cause of death, Acute Alcohol Poisoning, found dead in his flat after Police broke the door down.

Can’t say much more than that, both wives said that if they had known what he would become they both would have walked away before they got married, his children’s memories are of a drunk father. He managed to stay off of the drink, hence wife number 2, but fell off of the wagon soon after.

Sadly the only advice is RUN and don’t look back. Good luck