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I'm so worried.

(90 Posts)
Lululemon Wed 24-Feb-21 10:37:01

My 32 year old daughter was due to get married last August. A few months before that she found out her fiance had a problem with alcohol (drunk when she got home from work, he eventually had a seizure, hidden booze bottles etc). They've been on a break and been living apart for 6 months.He's saying everything would be ok if she went back to the flat to live. She feels so guilty and is wondering if she is to blame for it all. I feel so helpless and powerless.

nanna8 Wed 24-Feb-21 10:42:20

I hope for goodness sake she does not marry him. There’s nothing you can do really, she is an adult and has to make her own way. Sometimes with some people suggesting what they might do can lead to them doing the opposite so I would be wary with advice, just let her know you are there for her whatever happens.

Lululemon Wed 24-Feb-21 10:44:46

Thank you nanna8.

BlueBelle Wed 24-Feb-21 10:51:06

Good advice from nanna8 you can’t help in her decision and most of it depends on whether he is prepared to do something about his problem, if not then there’s no point to her even considering going back however if he’s saying I want to stop this and I m prepared to get professional help then there a chance but either way she has to sort it out for herself and all you can do is be there for her and support IF she wants support

Bridgeit Wed 24-Feb-21 10:55:48

No don’t go back, if & it’s a big if he gets help & manages to stop perhaps it would be a possibility then, but that is along way off.
Please tell her in no way is she to blame & it is not her responsibility .

NellG Wed 24-Feb-21 11:21:39

'You' go back after they've got the help and proved they are ahead of their addiction - if you go back at all.

Your daughter might benefit from reading a bit about Codependency and could tap into Al Anon online. It should help her to realise she's not responsible in any way for his behaviour and addiction and help her to see how despite that, people can often enable it.

As for you personally Lululemon, brace yourself lovely - it's not pleasant watching your kids make mistakes and get hurt. Maybe you might find the above information/resources helpful too? My very best wishes with it all. x

tanith Wed 24-Feb-21 11:31:39

Just be glad she found out before the wedding the fact she deemed it necessary to have a break she tell her all she needs to know let’s hope she takes the sensible course and never goes back. Be there to support her choice,

Lululemon Wed 24-Feb-21 11:32:03

Thank you so much NellG. Your kindness had made me cry. x

NellG Wed 24-Feb-21 11:36:42

Lululemon, I so didn't want to make you cry! But I do have kindness in pretty unlimited quantities, so if you ever need an 'ear' you know where to come. If I can offer something useful I always will. Take care x

Grandmabatty Wed 24-Feb-21 11:38:49

Of course he's going to promise her he's changed, it'll be fine because he wants her back. However what has he done to break his addiction? You can only be there for your daughter if she goes back to him. Don't bad mouth him as that might make her defend him. I have known someone who stayed with an alcoholic. Her and their children had a hellish life.

Luckygirl Wed 24-Feb-21 11:43:36

Your DD cannot take on the responsibility of curing her fiance's alcoholism or propping him up, as he is basically asking her to do. He needs to take responsibility himself for seeking treatment for this and then, and only then, should he consider going back to him.

But, to be honest, she does need to give serious thought to whether hitching herself to someone with such a difficult (and possibly relapsing) problem is right for her happiness and that of any children they might have.

I am so sorry that you are faced with this worry - we all so want our children to be happy. There is little you can do except be there for her, or maybe research the topic of alcoholism and point her in the direction of sources of support for her.

Luckygirl Wed 24-Feb-21 11:44:19

"....should SHE consider....." Sorry

sf101 Wed 24-Feb-21 12:19:47

Run for the hills and don't look back. I married a lovely man, did not know he was an alcoholic. Did not know functioning alcoholics existed. My mum died when I was 3 so I was determined that my kids would have 2 parents.
It was soul destroying, I finally realised that I was enabling him by keeping a roof over our heads and dealing with all the finances while he sold all my jewelry and anything else he could get his hands on, and the lies they never stop. Alcohol is the first middle and last of everyday and all the promises mean nothing.
Finally chucked him out after 12 years such a relief.

GagaJo Wed 24-Feb-21 12:25:22

Lululemon, my ex had a drink problem when I married him. As newly weds, I had a lot of influence over him and it calmed down a bit, but after the first flush died down, he returned to his old ways.

We had a baby then and I left him for the first time when she was 6 months old. I walked out, no clothes, money and baby in the pram. I left again, when she was 2. For longer this time. I finally left when she was 11. He had deteriorated so much, I had to sleep in my daughters bedroom.

Your daughter can avoid all of that. No children. Not living with him now. It IS very tragic what is happening to him, but why wreck 2 lives?

nadateturbe Wed 24-Feb-21 12:37:47

Speaking from experience I would not go back. His drinking is not her fault.
Living with an alcoholic is not fun. However I do feel sorry for him. Alcoholism is a terrible illness.

BlueBelle Wed 24-Feb-21 12:59:55

But it’s not luluman who has the problem she is a bystander it’s no good telling her to ‘run for the hills’ or ‘don’t do it’ or ‘not go back’ She is not involved unless her daughter comes to her asking for her assistance or advice
In your opening post you say you feel helpless and powerless because of course you are if your daughter asks for advice support or a roof over her head do what you can otherwise you have to just wait and see and hope with fingers crossed she is the sensible gal you believe her to be and she has showed that so far by leaving

Nannarose Wed 24-Feb-21 13:17:58

I feel for you. I suggest you look on the Alcoholics Anonymous website, or look up alcohol & addiction services near where you live (not everyone gets on with AA). All of these services have some sort of support for family & friends who are affected. They will understand both how hard it is for your daughter and how hard it is for you.
Their support is not about getting help for this man (although they would if he wanted it) but about the people affected by him.

Lululemon Wed 24-Feb-21 13:33:05

Thank you so much all of you. You've re-affirmed what I was thinking. Yesterday his mother sent my daughter a horrible message blaming my daughter for wrecking her son's life and that everything was alright until a year ago. (For several years before that they were happy, no sign of him drinking to excess). I guess his parents are hurting too. I'm glad I do not have their phone number. I think they are also in denial. I really do appreciate your comments and kind words.

Grandmabatty Wed 24-Feb-21 13:37:06

His mother is clearly suffering and trying to blame anyone except her son. You cannot force someone else to become an alcoholic. I would not comment to her at all. What does your daughter want to do? It sounds like a toxic family situation and she needs to block his family on all sites.

Davida1968 Wed 24-Feb-21 13:46:10

Lululemon, this is so sad for you: I hope you can stay strong and support your daughter in not going back to this man. Other GNs here have made a clear case (with which I agree fully) for your DD to move on from him and to move forward with her life. With your support, hopefully she can do this. Good luck to you both.

Humbertbear Wed 24-Feb-21 13:46:19

I am married to an alcoholic and my sister is one too.

Your daughter needs to remember the mantra:
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it
I didn’t cause it.

She should only consider going back if her fiancée can stay sober for a long period of time without her. You and your daughter might find Al-Anon useful.
He had a seizure because he did not have alcohol in his blood stream. Personally, I would say she should leave and make a new life for herself.

Oopsadaisy1 Wed 24-Feb-21 14:02:40

Please listen to humbertbear , I’ve been there, got the T-shirt via family members. If he is serious he will want to be alcohol free for some time before he tries to persuade your DD to go back to him.
Going back to him will not make him give up alcohol, no matter what he tells her, he needs to do it for himself.
BTW has he implied that it’s your DDs fault? Because it isn’t and she needs to be told that.

Nonogran Wed 24-Feb-21 14:58:42

I worked with a girl whose boyfriend was alcoholic. It wasn't until she told me about wet mattresses, the sensation of his urine soaking into her back when they slept together, the vomiting after a night at the pub that I realised the stupor can be so bad she had to put up with that & more.
In your position all you can do is support your daughter but stay away from getting involved with his parents. Keep your dignity. Your girl is very wise to take a break. As one mum to another ....I'm sending you a virtual hug.

M0nica Wed 24-Feb-21 15:18:43

No, No! No! No! No! It is absolutely not your DD's 'fault' that her boy friend is drinking.

This game of emotional blackmail, where one partner blames the other for their drinking, drug taking, gambling, abuse, violence. Is just that - emotional blackmail.

She is not responsible in anyway for his decisions to drink heavily. She was with him when he was drinking, that is, she left him because he was drinking heavily. What sort of chop logic, says he will stop when she returns.

If he really wanted to prove he had reformed his ways he would have stopped drinking, when she left him to show her that he had the strength of character and that she meant so much to him that he was determined to reform his ways.

When she left him because of his drinking, him saying he will stop when she comes back, is the surest sign she can possibly have that he will do no such thing and she will be caught in an endless saga of him drinking, her walking out, him saying he will stop if she returns, and the saga will repeat itself, and repeat itself, and repeat itself.

Whatever happens never ever succumb to emotional blackmail. Blackmail is a nasty power game, no matter how it is done.

sodapop Wed 24-Feb-21 15:40:33

Addicts always blame others for their problems until they can take responsibility for themselves.
I am sorry your daughter is in this position Lululemon but she must not give in to emotional blackmail as MOnica said. There is excellent advice on here from people who have been in a similar situation. Maybe it would help your daughter to read these posts.
I hope you can find a way through this.