I'm so worried.

Please ask your daughter to read all these replies. My son was going to leave his girlfriend, then found out she was pregnant and felt guilty so stayed with her (mistake). She was a lovely girl, but I used to go and clean their house a few times a year, as she just didn't, and in the fridge would be a box with a tap for alcohol, and I didn't really think much of it, as I'm teetotal. My son eventually left her, and he blames himself, thinking if he stayed she would change, but she wouldn't have - she was addicted. It ended up him having my darling grandson stay with him all the time, and just visit her, - all the time she would tell my son - if you come back I'll give up drink. She couldn't. She died of this last October, and even though it's dreadful, for my son and grandson, I feel she's at peace now. My son is not one to talk about things, but I know he will always have this guilt. I tell him - there was nothing you could do - she was just lonely and addicted, and it was up to HER to help herself, and I so wish she had. So sad.

Lululemon please please tell your dd to be very very careful. My dd married a man who turned out to be an alcoholic. He gave her no money for housekeeping as he was spending all his on booze. It took her ages to suss it out, tried to persuade him to go to AA or the doctors but he wouldn’t go. Cried, said he loved her and would change his ways. Unfortunately alcohol won the battle. He left once, and she took him back after he pleaded with her. The story repeated. He told lies all the time and couldn’t be trusted plus he occasionally became abusive. Finally we persuaded her to get out. That was 2 years ago and they are now divorced.

A catholic friend was married to an alcoholic for years. She put up with the broken promises, lies, several dry out rehabs that didn’t work, failing to collect the children from school as he was crashed out on the sofa so she had to give up her job and get part time jobs. Then she came home and found him in a drunken stupor and the cat dead in the washing machine. She left with the children. Immediately she looked 10 years younger.

These are 2 salutary tales. There are some alcoholics who do reform but be very careful.

I’m reminded of a Country and Western song called ‘you ain’t much fun since I stopped drinking’.
So I think that everything she knows about him, his moods, what he likes etc. Is coloured by the fact that he is usually under the influence, he might be a very different person when he is completely sober and if she stays with him she might not like the ‘new’ person.

I was brought up in Spain when drinking heavily was 'the norm'. My dad, bless him, didn't touch a drop. My brother, on the other hand...
I always said that I would not marry a drinker. I would tolerate ONE event of drunkenness, at the second I would walk out. DH has one drink in the evening, but only one.
There is no namby-pambying about this ... Tell your daughter to stay away and not look back!

My ex was an alcoholic. They will only stop if they want to. I went to Al Anon a brilliant support group for those affected by the alcoholic, and would definitely recommend finding your local group. My best friend came with me for moral support at my first meeting and I attended for quite a while. I hope this helps.

Please show her the comments here. if he is really motivated to change, then he will change - regardless of whether she is there or not. I used to work in a refuge and so many women went back to partners who promised to change - and never did. In fact, going back may well take away the one motivation he has to change! Your daughter is not his therapist or his mother - she needs to make sure that his wider family are aware of what's going on and then stand well back. Otherwise she is just setting herself (and any family they have) for a life of misery. Glad that she's got you to stand by her.

Thanks everyone, you've really helped me today. I get the feeling my daughter is already grieving for the relationship she once had with him. At some point I will show her all of your thoughts and comments. This has been my first ever post on gransnet and I've felt very supported. x

Well that is emotional blackmail as others have said and he is doing the classic guilt tripping whilst not taking responsibility

1. She should contact Al Anon for support and advice (support for relatives/friends of alcoholics)
2. She should be clear that she will not return until he is ready to take responsibility for HIS problem ....and she has to stick to it.
3.If he is not able to admit his responsibility and take control of his problem she needs to split up with him. he will drag her down. She might well want to believe she can change him. Only HE can change himself

So sorry you are going through this

My ex d.I.law is an alchoholic albeit one that goes into very expensive clinics for a month, comes out, ok for months and then back to the drink. The children have witnessed her in all the ugliness that alchoholics become when drunk, urinateing,vomiting, seizures. My friends sister is also an alchoholic and eventually she walked away because as all the previous posts say alchoholic are so very good at lies, lies and promises of giveing up drink. Your daughter is young and has her life ahead of her. Staying with this man will be nothing but misery.

Lived with it too - gradually stopped paying the bills and got to the point where he hadn't given me enough to pay the mortgage, so told him that if the money wasn't in the account by 1pm that same day his stuff would be on the lawn waiting for him to collect - I think he had to sleep in his car for weeks in November! He was driving drunk and had even started drinking mouthwash - it was awful, and was very good at turning things around on to me and everything being my fault ..... I found out after he had someone in MY HOUSE whilst I was lying on a surgical table having major neck surgery!! Glad it was all my house and I kept everything in my name - all he did was 'pay me rent' thank God!

You cannot beat the drink. Alcoholics are very plausible. They are good at telling fibs and good at hiding their addiction. Your daughter is on a hiding to nothing with this man and, believe me, I should know having had 12 years experience of this with someone.

She’s not to blame, as she is not responsible and she should never go back, it will be heartache and worse all the way for her..??‍♀️

She dodged a huge bullet.

Her ex fiance and mother are bad news

sazz1

My stepmother was an alcoholic and lived with us from when I was 9 until I left at 14.
Home was a terrible place. Police picked her up from the gutter literally many nights and brought her home. She was often covered in vomit and urine. Violent tempers, dragging me out of the chair by my hair, smashed ornaments, shouting and threatening when she was drunk. She sold everything for cider and whisky, including herself to various men, and often stole from them too.
She was very intelligent, a dispensing chemist but the alchohol lost her that job. Went to be dried out 3 times in hospital but always straight back to the drink after. The nicest kindest person when she was sober but drink made her violent. She died in her 50s from a brain haemorrhage.
Tell your daughter it gets worse unless he gets professional help. She's looking at a life of lies, poverty and misery otherwise

Addicts always blame others for their problems until they can take responsibility for themselves.
I am sorry your daughter is in this position Lululemon but she must not give in to emotional blackmail as MOnica said. There is excellent advice on here from people who have been in a similar situation. Maybe it would help your daughter to read these posts.
I hope you can find a way through this.

No, No! No! No! No! It is absolutely not your DD's 'fault' that her boy friend is drinking.

This game of emotional blackmail, where one partner blames the other for their drinking, drug taking, gambling, abuse, violence. Is just that - emotional blackmail.

She is not responsible in anyway for his decisions to drink heavily. She was with him when he was drinking, that is, she left him because he was drinking heavily. What sort of chop logic, says he will stop when she returns.

If he really wanted to prove he had reformed his ways he would have stopped drinking, when she left him to show her that he had the strength of character and that she meant so much to him that he was determined to reform his ways.

When she left him because of his drinking, him saying he will stop when she comes back, is the surest sign she can possibly have that he will do no such thing and she will be caught in an endless saga of him drinking, her walking out, him saying he will stop if she returns, and the saga will repeat itself, and repeat itself, and repeat itself.

Whatever happens never ever succumb to emotional blackmail. Blackmail is a nasty power game, no matter how it is done.

I worked with a girl whose boyfriend was alcoholic. It wasn't until she told me about wet mattresses, the sensation of his urine soaking into her back when they slept together, the vomiting after a night at the pub that I realised the stupor can be so bad she had to put up with that & more.
In your position all you can do is support your daughter but stay away from getting involved with his parents. Keep your dignity. Your girl is very wise to take a break. As one mum to another ....I'm sending you a virtual hug.

Please listen to humbertbear , I’ve been there, got the T-shirt via family members. If he is serious he will want to be alcohol free for some time before he tries to persuade your DD to go back to him.
Going back to him will not make him give up alcohol, no matter what he tells her, he needs to do it for himself.
BTW has he implied that it’s your DDs fault? Because it isn’t and she needs to be told that.

I am married to an alcoholic and my sister is one too.

Your daughter needs to remember the mantra:
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it
I didn’t cause it.

She should only consider going back if her fiancée can stay sober for a long period of time without her. You and your daughter might find Al-Anon useful.
He had a seizure because he did not have alcohol in his blood stream. Personally, I would say she should leave and make a new life for herself.

Lululemon, this is so sad for you: I hope you can stay strong and support your daughter in not going back to this man. Other GNs here have made a clear case (with which I agree fully) for your DD to move on from him and to move forward with her life. With your support, hopefully she can do this. Good luck to you both.

His mother is clearly suffering and trying to blame anyone except her son. You cannot force someone else to become an alcoholic. I would not comment to her at all. What does your daughter want to do? It sounds like a toxic family situation and she needs to block his family on all sites.

Thank you so much all of you. You've re-affirmed what I was thinking. Yesterday his mother sent my daughter a horrible message blaming my daughter for wrecking her son's life and that everything was alright until a year ago. (For several years before that they were happy, no sign of him drinking to excess). I guess his parents are hurting too. I'm glad I do not have their phone number. I think they are also in denial. I really do appreciate your comments and kind words.

I feel for you. I suggest you look on the Alcoholics Anonymous website, or look up alcohol & addiction services near where you live (not everyone gets on with AA). All of these services have some sort of support for family & friends who are affected. They will understand both how hard it is for your daughter and how hard it is for you.
Their support is not about getting help for this man (although they would if he wanted it) but about the people affected by him.

But it’s not luluman who has the problem she is a bystander it’s no good telling her to ‘run for the hills’ or ‘don’t do it’ or ‘not go back’ She is not involved unless her daughter comes to her asking for her assistance or advice
In your opening post you say you feel helpless and powerless because of course you are if your daughter asks for advice support or a roof over her head do what you can otherwise you have to just wait and see and hope with fingers crossed she is the sensible gal you believe her to be and she has showed that so far by leaving