Competitive Grandparenting

Of course no one wants to be left out or feel unwanted.

But I don't think the grandparents are usually in competition with each other, even if they think they are. For example, if the young couple don't get along too well with one of the grandparents or sets of grandparents, I think that would be the same whether they get along well with the grandparents on the other side or there not even being any grandparents on the other side.

Our eldest son is the only one settled, married and happy of our 4. We have 2 beautiful grandchildren by them.

Our other 3 aren't in relationships with children. Though my 2nd son does have a boy by his ex.

I've always accepted we don't come first. My son my son until he gets a wife, my daughter my daughter all my life is a very true saying.

Basically I've kept my nose out. Offered help when they married if they wanted it just to ask. Same when their children are concerned

Always knew I wouldn't be first. Get on very well with DiL mom. There is a unique bond born out of we have both lost our husbands within a year of each other. Mine was 60. Her husband 56.

Even before our husband past, the grandchildren birthdays and Christmas days etc was and is spent with them as all of us as one big extended family.

Quieter this Christmas just gone as it was just eldest, DiL, 2 grandchildren, DiL mom and I. Usually there is about 12-14 of us.

I don't get as much time with my grandchildren as DiL mom does. That's mainly cos they live in the same village. We live 20 minutes away.

I stand back. I've found by doing so we have always had more inclusion in different ways.

It was my late mom that helped me bring my 4 up so I get it.

The last year our DiL and son have been very good at facilitating Facetime inbetween the times I couldn't see them.

I have a good relationship with them because I respect and get it.

@NambyPamby

You weren't exactly clear in your initial post. "Sole Carer" could mean what you are doing or in the case of some entitled GMs, the fact they do full child minding in their minds means they consider themselves sole carer which given the context of this thread would be understandable.

Absolutely no one on this thread would question your decision or your love.

NambyPamby

Without me she would be in care - right now I'm watching a 2year old running around in fairy wings whilst I do the gardening.

But yes, you go on feeling high and mighty that I have no life !

Without me she would be adopted.
Gransnet really is up itself with self important people that really have nothing better to do than moan about inconsequential dramas.

I am disgusted by your opinion.

I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to come across like that at all. Now you’ve given more information, it makes sense. Enjoy the rest of your day.

Without me she would be in care - right now I'm watching a 2year old running around in fairy wings whilst I do the gardening.

But yes, you go on feeling high and mighty that I have no life !

Without me she would be adopted.
Gransnet really is up itself with self important people that really have nothing better to do than moan about inconsequential dramas.

I am disgusted by your opinion.

Thank you Disco Dancer. That is what I meant

At our 1st DD's Christening DGM (in law) wouldn't let my mother hold my DD because 'my mum had other grandchildren', whereas my DD was her only one. Strangely she wasn't really that interested in my children that much especially when her own DD had children, but I guess this is another thread..

DanniRae

Hithere

"12:33NambyPamby

As the sole carer of granddaughter- SHE IS my life.
Some people put family before their own lives.
I have given up everything to do this."

What is going to happen when you are no longer her carer?
What is your plan?

What an unkind thing to say Hithere - it sounds to me like NamyPamby is doing a wonderful thing for her granddaughter.

Obviously, I’m not sure exactly what was meant here, but I read it as Hithere was saying that Namypamby, may not be needed as a carer any more, and then may be a bit lost. It is worrying to hear someone make a grandchild their whole life, not good for them, the parents or the child.

Shropshirelass

I didn’t even know I was a Grandma! Found out through a mutual friend, still haven’t seen my GC, they live a long, long way away. I doubt they know of my existence, they have a step grannie now. I was wrongly painted as the evil one in a nasty break up involving violence some years ago. Ex still putting down the poison and I am too weary to fight back now. I have a new life to live.

That’s so sad. All is not necessarily lost though. They may come looking for you as soon as they’re old enough ?. It’s a real minefield out there, reading all the comments. This is partly why we’ve ended up being estranged.

I have to admit, I love my grandchildren dearly, but also love my own life. I brought up four children. Was blessed with never having to work.

Grandchildren are very much part of our lives, with their parents, but we have other parts, some of which we hope to get back as and when covid restrictions lift.

We love them....but hands on full time.....no! No overnights, baking, crafting, days out ( unless with parents) etc. Been there and done all that. Now it’s our children’s turn. There’s no space then, to be disappointed.

When I had our first baby she was the first grandchild on both sides and as my m-i-l had only sons you can imagine her excitement to have a granddaughter. Fortunately ..... or unfortunately.... my inlaws lived next door to us. However my husband, knowing how this could cause problems, went and saw his mum and said "Just to let you know we are buying the baby her first doll's pram, bike etc so don't even go there!" I have always been glad that he did this. As it was when her and I took the baby out in the pram if she met someone she knew it would be "This is my son's baby!" Er, I think I had something to do with it.
But I have to say she was a very good grandmother and all her grandchildren loved her a lot.

I didn’t even know I was a Grandma! Found out through a mutual friend, still haven’t seen my GC, they live a long, long way away. I doubt they know of my existence, they have a step grannie now. I was wrongly painted as the evil one in a nasty break up involving violence some years ago. Ex still putting down the poison and I am too weary to fight back now. I have a new life to live.

My two year old granddaughter decided I would be Daddy Nanna and her other Nanna would be Mummy Nanna.....simples!
It takes a village to bring up a child, the more relatives involved happily in a child's life the better.

When I was growing up, I had to two sets of grandparents who I absolutely adored. Both sets had different backgrounds, and I enjoyed doing different things with them all. As far as I'm aware, there was never any competitiveness ... they just got on with being great grandparents, and my parents both got on well with their respective in-laws. This is what I've always hoped for in our family relationships.

We were already good friends with our DS's in-laws, even before they were married, spending lots of 'family time' together, before our GCs came along. But our DiL's mother has a tendency to be somewhat over-bearing & bossy, especially towards our DiL, who is actually rather intimidated by her own mother.

When our first GC came along, DiL's mum also became rather manipulative. DS, like most men, didn't want to rock the boat with his MiL, or cause any upset for our DiL. However, on occasions when we were present, it was noticed that her mum had upset/annoyed them sometimes. And, on one or two occasions, she extremely upset me. It was as though she was the only real grandparent! I'm the type of person who always likes to keep the peace (I guess that's where my DS gets it from!), but I got to the point when I just had to say something. I'm not particularly proud of that fact, and I do regret it now, as it did create quite an atmosphere for a while.

However, I do think that DiL's parents, and my DH & I, now have a mutual respect for each other as grandparents. It seemed to clear the air, so to speak, as there was a definite undercurrent previously, which didn't feel good. Very pleased to say that we do now all have a very good relationship, and we frequently socialise with the other GPs, even without our kids, or GCs. All we need now is for DiL to learn to stand up to her own mother.

When my brother in law and his wife had their first baby my mother in law drove to see her new granddaughter, mother and baby still in hospital. When she got there the girl in the next beds father asked my mother in law if she would like him to take a photograph of her with her daughter in law and new baby. ( it was an instamatic camera in those days ) A while later when we all visited for lunch we asked if we could see the photograph. The baby’s mother went bright red she had actually cut my mother in law off the photograph because she didn’t want her own mother to know that she had seen her first. This caused a family rift for years. Finally the rift was made up years later and my mother in law was helping them move house as she was clearing out a wall unit she found on the top the piece of photograph of herself that had been cut off many years before. My mother in law kept silent, years later when she died she had still kept the piece of photograph in her purse.

I think I struck lucky - I have very little competition!! DDl's MIL is less fit than I am so only has dgd in emergencies. DD2 does not have a MIL - her then partner did not get on with his mother (or anybody else) to let her know she has a DGS. I feel very sorry for her, but delighted that I see him as much as I do.

'As long as they are happy and healthy'. But what if they are not??

I have one (primary age) GC and my SIL is very seriously ill. Nobody knows what the future holds. It has been hard to live at a distance and (pre Covid) not to be able to help out as my DD's in laws have been able to do (they live locally). But that's the way it is.

The situation has made the other GPs even more competitive for their time than they were at the start. Understandable now, perhaps.

However, what I do resent is the pressure my DD is under to limit the time she, her husband and my GC spend with us because of SIL's frequent hospital visits. As a carer and a teacher, she is often tired and in need of a break. On the very few occasions when she does stay with us without her husband (her choice, he is a good husband to her and is always welcome) she has been able to rest and catch up on her sleep.
Of course, when the other GPs take them all away on holiday the hospital arrangements do not appear to present the same problem.
And, of course, even pre Covid, they were never able to have Christmas and Easter at ours.

I don't rock the boat. But it is hurtful all the same.

My only GC and his parents currently live in Germany though it is for a short term contract so they will return to the UK in a couple of years. Meanwhile as my DS works in a university they will visit the UK for quite a long summer holiday this year if covid restrictions allow. They are planning a holiday with DiL's family in July and another with me in August so we will all spend time together. I get on well with DiL's parents so don't anticipate any competitiveness issues and when they return to the UK I hope to move nearer wherever they settle, as I'm planning to downsize. The other grandparents may end up living further away so I shall make sure they get time with the family when they are able to visit. I shall stay out of the way as I will likely get more opportunities for help with childcare normally if I live closer. I certainly have no wish to compete, just hope for good relationships all round.

I felt sad for my own DM as she lived many hours away from us, and didn't drive, so saw my children very little when they were young, while my in-laws lived closer and demanded seeing them much more frequently. I don't think they intended to be competitive but their demands were great and I don't think they ever considered how she might have felt.

It’s hard sometimes, we have just one grandchild despite 5 grown up children. It’s my stepdaughters, so my husbands daughter. Her mum met our grandson a week before us, she and her husband lived much closer, she also had cancer and so sadly passed away when our DGS was only 3, 3 years ago, we took a backseat so my DSD and her mum and our DGS could spend quality time together. We missed out on a lot, but we are still here and when lockdown finally lifted cannot wait to see him again. Thank goodness for technology, zoom, Skype, FaceTime !!

I am the only active grandparent in my g/c lives. I am not the only living grandparent. My ex lives a long way away and has no interest in them. One family does not have paternal grandparents at all.

The other family has the (very) competitive grandma who wanted to rival me with affection, monetary gifts and general boasting, but not actual time for them, because she was too busy.

I let all that happen, because I could give time and was often to be found covered in glue, sparkle and face paints.

However, competitive grandma is now deeply into dementia, almost catatonic, but before she stopped recognising them, I let her have all the time she needed to allow g/c to make good memories with her.

Grandparenting is about give and take and is a privilege, not a right.

I have only seen this question asked about competitive grand motherhood on here once.
The rest of us were much more sensible as it does not exist.I for one have 4 grandchildren and have no issues with co grandparenting.

Hithere

"12:33NambyPamby

As the sole carer of granddaughter- SHE IS my life.
Some people put family before their own lives.
I have given up everything to do this."

What is going to happen when you are no longer her carer?
What is your plan?

What an unkind thing to say Hithere - it sounds to me like NamyPamby is doing a wonderful thing for her granddaughter.

We are lucky to get on well with the other set of GPs, and there is no competition. It's all a bit ridiculous really - the more people there are to love and take an interest in the child, the better, surely? It must be a selfish trait to want to be the favourite.

My grandson’s other grandparents see him as much as me. They have holidayed several times with DD, SiL & DGS but I haven’t, but they have paid for a holiday which I have no problem with - I think it’s lovely they can afford to and SiL very close to parents. I was at the supermarket with DGS when we bumped into other grandparents and they declined his reaching out to them because it was my day, but I handed him over for a cuddle. We are all respectful of each other and I see us as one family. I still work and can’t accommodate every request for childcare so they step in, they holiday a lot and so I step in. Just enjoy your time with your grandchild. If you dwell on when you don’t see them then it spoils the time you do have with them..

Jillybird wouldn't it be nice if the wealthy grandparents invited your friend as well for the weekend sometimes? They maybe have no idea how left out and sad she understandably feels.
Could her son suggest this to them?

No competitive grand parenting here! I live three hours away from my DD but her MiL lives just down the road - and thank goodness that she does. She’s been an absolute godsend, a dog sitter, baby sitter and has often fetched our DC from school if my DD has been unable to. The woman’s an absolute marvel and I don’t hesitate to tell her so!