A bit more thoughtfulness from adult son

Sara, my mother did once state that she 'really dropped the ball on that one' (teaching us domestic skills). So I think she's thought it over. Fortunately someone else did teach me to clean so I was well equipped when I had a home of my own to care for.

My mother's house is immaculate though and I've also made sure to not be like her in that regard. She was always cleaning and tidying and I'd rather spend more time with my kids. Before I had kids my home was also immaculate. If I think of my mother the first thing that pops into my mind is of her cleaning. I clean and cook every day, but I don't keep things perfect. I remember visiting with my child when she was a toddler. We were going to go to the zoo. I wanted to go at 10am so that my child wouldn't get tired and cranky. No-one was allowed to go anywhere until she had vacuumed the house (that didn't need it anyway). I'd have gone to the zoo then vacuumed. I should have just gone and told her 'meet you there when you're ready'. There has to be some sort of balance.

CafeAuLait
I think I picked it up as I went along, I’ve no idea why my youngest is so useless, apart from maybe when the others were being encouraged to help out a bit and keep their rooms clean, she was doing a sport to
quite a high level, and had very little time.
But she is thirty now, with three children, and seems to have the attitude, who would clean or iron when you could be doing something else.

I can understand that Sara. I'm content to do my own cleaning and prefer no interference.

It's probably a bit shameful that I learned to clean when I got a cleaning job in university. The woman I was cleaning for had her way she liked things done and took me through the first day showing me how she wanted me to do it. That is how I learned any cleaning skills at all. I've made sure to teach my children how to clean, even if they don't have to do it often.

CafeAuLait
Yes I agree, I’m a bit like your mum I think, so I shall be doing everything myself for as long as possible.
Frankly, the thought of watching my youngest daughter cleaning, is painful.

mid-teams = mid-teens

I think it can be hard to see your parents as getting older. Maybe it's a bit like them always seeing us as younger than we actually are? Sometimes I look at my eldest child and think about how old they are getting and think, wow! How did my baby get to be so grown up? I know my parents feel the same way about me.

I personally wouldn't volunteer to help my mother clean up at this stage. She's still very capable and I don't think she wouldn't want me to help. She's very particular about how things should be done and doing them her way. I would leave her to ask if she wanted help.

We had a conversation when I was in my mid-teams where she went off on one of her regular rants about how we never helped around the house. I shot back, "Don't say that because I have offered to help many times and you always say you prefer to do it your way and don't want me to help. So don't complain if I've given up offering because you never let me!" Never had another one of those rants after that because she knew it was true.

Is there anything like that, OP, that could discourage your son from offering?

I think, in our family anyway, that adult children have a reluctance to see that their parents are getting older. They don’t want to see mum and dad, as anything other than they have always been, in other words, there for them, and not the other way around.
Sounds a bit selfish, but I’m fairly sure they would all step up if necessary.

We used to offer to help my mum even if she hadn’t asked, because we loved her and wanted to help.
Yes we had a family and went to work etc but we made the time as she was getting on, as we are now but so often children who witnessed all this are now often too busy to do the same.
I understand how you feel GD it does hurt but he sounds unthinking rather than uncaring as so many are nowadays.
Definitely get a cleaner in, I have decided as I loath housework that I may do the same in the not too distant future.

I agree with Hithere.

Luckily my family see things the same way too. We are very independent. If we want help from each other we ask for it. It's a plain, simple transaction and I like it. There is no offence taken because someone didn't offer something you feel they should have done.

I might have thought to offer help in this situation, but my mum would certainly not have been offended if I had not.

What I'm saying is maybe try not to take it to heart. We all need different types of communication and maybe the message never got to him?

M0nica
Of course it is, and I’m sure that if he saw his parents struggling with something they were having real difficulty with, he’d be there.
But I don’t think a bit of cleaning falls into that category.

Yes I agree, you have to ask him and I’m sure he could spare a couple hours to give you a hand.

We don’t like to bother our AC as we know they all have busy lives, but they are only too happy to help when asked. I’m sure yours will be the same ?

Sara1954, it isn't his 'job' but in most of the families I know, including my own, there is a web of affection, love and care that binds the family together and means each of us will come to the aid of another person for small or large items.

It may be help with DIY, emotional support and on a very few ocasions some financial help, although we usually volunteer that before any request is made. That is how functional families work.

My parents have been doing some renovations and not once has inheritance crossed my mind. I have encouraged them to spend the lot living life. They can't take it with them and they worked for it. They should enjoy it. Will I take my share of whatever inheritance is left over when they both pass away? Well, yes, it has to go somewhere. However, I would rather have my parents alive and inherit nothing. I don't think adult children really spend much time thinking about inheritances and whether every action of their parent increases or reduces it. I'd hope not anyway. I agree with FarNorth.

we did not realise how exhausted we would feel after completion of all the work.
Yet you expect your son to realise this, psychically.

I agree with those saying that adult children tend to think their parents are managing fine, unless they are told otherwise.
If you want help, ask for it nicely.

Btw, your comment about inheritance was materialistic as well as nasty. Why would your son ever connect your building work now with his future inheritance?

I think I'm generally fairly thoughtful when it comes to being there when my parents need help. Of course I don't read minds so hope they would just ask if there was a problem. On the side of the son though, you don't know what he has on his plate this particular week. Usually, if asked, I would go lend a hand with a bit of clean up in this kind of situation but this past week, I just couldn't have. I'm currently working to a very tight deadline and aren't free till next week.

In the end, it does seem like you underestimated how much work you would have to do afterwards and are now expecting your son to compensate for that. That's not really fair if you didn't ask him about it first, or make sure that it was when he had time free to do that. If you're expecting his help he should get a say in when it happens.

OP, can you maybe call in a cleaning agency to help finish off? It's just part of the renovation expenses then. In my experience renovation companies usually clean up when they finish.

But I still don’t accept that it’s his job to help with chores, sorry if I’ve missed something, but he may have a very busy life, and helping his parents do cleaning isn’t really on his list of priorities.
I would ask my son to give us a hand with something we couldn’t do on our own, but I would never ask him to help clean, or my daughters.

CanadianGran

We were just joking/commiserating with friends that called the other evening, saying we dread the "Hi Mom/Dad, are you busy?" phone calls.

Our friends' grown son just called his Dad to ask with help for an electrical wiring job at 8:30 at night! Dad said sorry not available, but drop on over for a beer and we can talk about it. This was after a day of babysitting the other son's two little ones.

I think there are some very thoughtful grown children, but a lot don't really think of their parents socially as they would their friends. Nothing better than to just have them drop by for a visit with no other agenda!

You should have answered him to say ' how interesting about so-and-so, but we are so tired from all the work around the house we won't have time to watch.' Offer for him to drop over have a cup of tea/beer and a visit. Then you can gently suggest he help with chores.

I’m genuinely interested as to why you would take this approach rather than just asking outright for a bit of help?

I would rather have my mum ask if she needed me than have her drop hints I might not get.

We were just joking/commiserating with friends that called the other evening, saying we dread the "Hi Mom/Dad, are you busy?" phone calls.

Our friends' grown son just called his Dad to ask with help for an electrical wiring job at 8:30 at night! Dad said sorry not available, but drop on over for a beer and we can talk about it. This was after a day of babysitting the other son's two little ones.

I think there are some very thoughtful grown children, but a lot don't really think of their parents socially as they would their friends. Nothing better than to just have them drop by for a visit with no other agenda!

You should have answered him to say ' how interesting about so-and-so, but we are so tired from all the work around the house we won't have time to watch.' Offer for him to drop over have a cup of tea/beer and a visit. Then you can gently suggest he help with chores.

Hithere where did I say we helped ds with money? No I didn’t say such a thing. You must have a materialistic mind if that’s what you think. We have helped Ds with practical issues and support as and where needed. Isn’t that what parents do?
Also I never implied it was an emergency as it isn’t.

I would only ask my AC for help if I was absolutely desperate. In a case like this I would do the cleaning gradually a little each day and not worry about it.

The implication that they helped son and gave him money in the past - he owes them

You seem to be projecting something into this situation that doesn't actually exist Hithere. Why?

Make their emergency his priority?? Where ?

The implication that they helped son and gave him money in the past - he owes them

We have always done things for our grown up children. We volunteer much of the time. They do not think twice about asking us to do things either. Would we ask them for help? Probably not. We think we would know the answer. 'Sorry a bit busy'.

Hithere

It seems like you miscalculated the full effort of the project
Furthermore, your husband is not keen on hiring outside help to cover the gap.

It is not fair you both expect your son to make your emergency his priority + read your mind

Where did OP say she wanted son to make them his priority ??