A bit more thoughtfulness from adult son

Yes, adult children can be rather selfish at times. Does he know how exhausted you are? Have you asked him for help? You know sometimes we assume that people have crystal balls and can see us and our lives and really they have no idea and this could be the case. Ask him for help, you might be surprised at the response.

He doesnt live with you, right?

Where did the remodeling idea come from? Yours, his?

What kind of assistance would you be expecting from him?

I think an act of thoughtfulness is what the op actually wanted Hithere
The physical 'helpfulness' was secondary.
At least that's how I read it.

I would and have felt similarly to yourself Grandmadinosaur.

Sometimes all it takes is a chatty conversation showing someone cares.

I have to say all my children have different levels of thoughtfulness towards us.
One I can rely on to be helpful in most situations. One I can rely on to be obstructive or unhelpful in most situations, and others of varying degrees in between!

It's such a joy when one of them shows they care through their thoughtfulness.
Not duty or habit just love.

AC children can tend to focus on what they find important. I think it’s a left over from parent/ child days. For example how many times did we ask ‘ have you had a good day at school?’ Rarely did they asks us did we have a good day at work.
I’m sure he was keen for you to see something interesting.
As regards, cleaning the house have you thought of asking a cleaning company to do a one off blitz.

I woudn`t take it to heart tbh,at least he was thinking of you.

Perhaps you should just ask for a bit of help this week-end. Just be honest, say you are exhausted and a hand would be really appreciated.

I don't think many adult children would offer to help in that situation, and you did say that he had offered you the use of his bathroom. Maybe it would have been better to ask directly, for help with a specific job.

Our DS mentioned a bit ago that when we can meet up properly, they have various decorating jobs need doing. DH always lends a hand when such jobs arise, also gardening projects, but it doesn’t work the other way round.

Love him dearly, but he can be quite self centred. He has a demanding job, studying for another degree and two teenage children, but sometimes think he doesn’t give us much thought.

When a person undertakes a project, I understand it may take additional support from other people to get it accomplished

However, it is yabu to expect and demand that support for an action the other person may have had no input in

Also, how about the other person's life obligations? Those dont change, this extra support only adds on top of it

So for the posters who accuse the son of being selfish, why not the OP being the one who is selfish for making the son's schedule and support to center around OP's agenda?

It's a bit annoying. When our kitchen was out of action for three weeks, we thought our daughter might have asked us over for a meal or ask if we needed any washing doing but she didn't. Hey ho. What can we do?

Hithere

When a person undertakes a project, I understand it may take additional support from other people to get it accomplished

However, it is yabu to expect and demand that support for an action the other person may have had no input in

Also, how about the other person's life obligations? Those dont change, this extra support only adds on top of it

So for the posters who accuse the son of being selfish, why not the OP being the one who is selfish for making the son's schedule and support to center around OP's agenda?

Funny how we all see something different in an OP isn't it?

I agree, in principle with the bare bones of your post Hithere.

My first reaction to hearing someone I love or just like is under pressure, is to think of ways to help.

It could just be a sympathetic chat.

Afterall, Grandmadinosaur 1st complant was
no are you both ok?

Leading me to think assistance was helpful but emotional support was more meaningful.

Hithere

When a person undertakes a project, I understand it may take additional support from other people to get it accomplished

However, it is yabu to expect and demand that support for an action the other person may have had no input in

Also, how about the other person's life obligations? Those dont change, this extra support only adds on top of it

So for the posters who accuse the son of being selfish, why not the OP being the one who is selfish for making the son's schedule and support to center around OP's agenda?

Why always so harsh Hithere, specially towards older parents /grandparents?

Personally I’d say OP should either pay for cleaning help or directly ask her son if he could spare a couple of hours rather than expecting him to guess but I understand she might feel tired and a bit disappointed !

Lucca

I would have written the same if it was the son writing the OP

I rather think we need to ask for help with a specific task if we hope for help from adult children. They have their own jobs, family and agenda and are not mind readers. If they then refuse, or ignore a hint, that is another matter.
I have had the offer of my 16 year old grandson's help when he has finished his exams, but to be honest, we are not happy with the Covid risks he would bring into the house.

Get someone in to clean. There is a company called Merry Maids in my area who clean houses after building work has been completed.

Hithere the remodelling is our idea. It isn’t “vanity” stuff it is basics that are needed ie new roof,facias etc, new (needed) boiler and a new again much needed bathroom ie doing away with a bath I find difficult to get in and out of and replaced with walk in shower. All things that will make life easier and also so that we shall get a good price when selling. I also may add with living away from both families with no support DH and I have always done things ourselves. Just nice to think now we are older with a son only 5 minutes away things might be different.

Yes he does have a child etc but as I’ve said I help out a great deal and it would be nice to think he could at least ask.
Kate1949 and Calendargirl I know where you’re coming from. Thanks for the helpful and supportive replies.

Ladyleftfieldlover yes I told DH I was going to get a cleaner in. He wasn’t keen and says he’ll do it. He will but just in his own time. He has a busy demanding job and I’d rather let someone else do it. I think the time has come.

It is still your idea, despite being very much needed.
Did you talk to him about needing his support? He is not a mind reader

Hithere we did not realise how exhausted we would feel after completion of all the work. Also we were given dates and then found out some could be carried out earlier and 2 even overlapped. Yes it is our idea it’s our house not his but will he turn down more money in inheritance as have been able to get a better price. Methinks not.
I am not making any more comments after doing another 2 hours cleaning this afternoon I’m exhausted enough without nasty ignorant comments. Hi there you must have a heart of stone. Must be good to be so perfect

I think our AC always see us as being the people we always were and simply do not realise the extent to which we no longer have the energy, strength and stamina we had when we were 30 or 40 years younger.

I am sure that if you told your son how exhausting you are finding the clearing up and asked for assistance, he will be very happy to give some help.

Since DH became ill, DS has come home for a weekend every month, explicitly to do anything I cannot manage on my own, from cutting firewood to helping me get a mirror off the wall in order to paint behind it and then put it up again.

In our family relations are not transactional, we each help each other as it is needed and when required. However we do assume if someone needs help they will ask for it, not just expect the other person to guess that help is needed and be open about not being as strong or having as much energy as when we were younger.

I am always amazed on GN how many family problems are caused because family members do not talk to each other openly and have all sorts of areas that are off limits for family discussion.

I was going to write much the same as you MOnica our children tend not to think of us getting older and finding things more difficult. However I do think that on GN I see so many excuses being made for adult children when often they are thoughtless. We do need to say how we feel and not always pussy foot around.

My adult son will always assist if asked, but it would never occur to him to offer.
I’m fine with that, we’ve had lots of various projects on the go over the years, none of them were our children’s idea, so I really can’t see why they would feel responsible for cleaning up.
If you are exhausted, do things a bit at a time, or if you find it hard to leave, get in a cleaning firm.
He doesn’t sound selfish to me, just normal.