Should I pay my friend now

It sounds like there is a difference of expectations here and sadly, the friend did a "contra" without reference to her debtor which put OP in a difficult position. It sounds like she has now backtracked and this has been a learning curve for both of them.

What do you think your friend should have done?

The friend should have asked if there was any possibility of a repayment plan. That would have given both parties a way forward.

What should the OP have done?

Maybe setting up an interim payment plan would have made the friend realise that she would get her money back but at the very least, being open about her thinking re cancellation. Other than that, unless she was extravagantly splashing out money elsewhere rather than paying double rent, huge solicitors fees, dealing with a troublesome ex and an unemployed teenaged son, nothing!

How lovely that the OP's friends want to treat her to a holiday and how churlish not begrudge her that after such a horrible time. A night away for one's Birthday, paid for by someone else is not extravagant but may be something that gives a boost to the energy to continue life's battles. I hope the OP has a lovely time.

OP did not beg this person to lend her some money.
the person, knowing OP could get a discount through some membership, manipulated OP into agreeing to go to a concert with her.
despite OP saying that she was not keen, and her financial situation being difficult, and for personal reasons probably feeling quite low.
so harder to withstand person's schemes. who then gets her into an unwanted debt.
not very friendly.
OP's much better off without her.

I lent my BF £10 when we were teenagers. She never paid me back. Then in our late 20s she was desperate so I lent her £80. She never paid me back. Then a few years later she knocked on my door one night asking if I could lend her £100 as she owed a debt collected. I said no outright and told her she hadn't paid me the £80. She was crying and pleading but I still said no. She soon had another BFF who she probably milked as well.
OP you need to start a payment plan with your friend, even if it's just £20 a month. Otherwise you may lose her and perhaps other friends if she tells them
All the best

The OP has already said she will pay her expenses on her birthday trip!

Yes, and I wondered if this is why the friend is annoyed. If the OP can afford to pay the expenses, she can afford to pay back the money she owes.

In both cases, the OP and the friend are making assumptions about the others' motives and financial circumstances, which is where the problems have arisen.

It is a shame that this has changed the OP's opinion of her friend, and I also hope that life improves for the OP, but as the question stands (which is all that we can go on), I feel that emotions need to be taken out of the situation, as they always make matters worse. Difficult, where human relationships are involved, I know.

The OP has already said she will pay her expenses on her birthday trip!

It sounds like you are going through a really rough time and this is the tip of the iceberg. I think you know you need to be clearer in future. I hope everything else is sorted out for you soon

What do you think your friend should have done?

Thanks Nansnet and everybody who has commented. I have listed lots of things on e bay and with the money raised I will pay my friend off but sadly it has changed my opinion of my friend . I will think carefully in future before committing to anything .

I think the waters are being muddied here as both the OP and the friend may be using their knowledge of other things to judge the other. The OP is using the fact that she knows about the large item sale, and the state of the friend's bank account, and the friend may be using the fact that the OP is going on a trip.

The bottom line, though, is that none of that is relevant. The OP borrowed the money (whether she wanted to go or not) on the understanding that she would pay it back as soon as she could afford it. She has decided, presumably without discussion, that she will wait to see if the concert is cancelled before offering payment, and her friend has taken matters into her own hands.

IMO, as long as someone owes money, they should not be spending on themselves, unless the deal was that it would be paid back on a given date, in which case that should be honoured unless it is impossible to do so. It is just not reasonable to assume that someone else has to do without their own money because it would be inconvenient for you to do so without hanging onto it for longer.

Hithere

A trip usually has other expenses attached to it.
We do not know if the friends who surprised the OP planned to cover 100% of the cost.

In general, we deserve what we can afford.
The life circumstances do not make us more worthy, life is not fair.

Yes, we all know that trips do come with other expenses, for food/drinks/etc., and we do not know if the friends plan to cover those costs. However, the trip is not until next year, so perhaps the OP feels that she has plenty of time to save a little extra cash before then, without having the immediate worry of going short.

Her friends have kindly paid for the trip for her birthday, and they are not expecting her to pay it back. Unlike the friend who expects the OP to pay for a concert ticket, which OP didn't particularly want to attend, and which said she couldn't afford. OP doesn't currently have the money for the ticket, and only agreed to go because her friend wanted someone to go with, and said she could pay her back whenever she had the money. Her friend has gone back on her word, and is now expecting OP to pay for the ticket before she can afford it.

I do not condone that people who can't afford things should be irresponsible with money, and think that they deserve things they can't afford. However, OP did not book a trip for herself which she cannot afford, it was booked and paid for, as a surprise, and she deserves to be able to enjoy it, next year, for her birthday. My reference to OP deserving the trip, was in respect to the difficult year she has endured with her husband, and it was nothing to do with her financial situation. I'm guessing her good friends probably feel the same, that she deserves it. It's what good friends tend to do when they know someone is going through a difficult time.

In my long life I have found the richest people are the most frugal. That is why they are rich.

A trip usually has other expenses attached to it.
We do not know if the friends who surprised the OP planned to cover 100% of the cost.

In general, we deserve what we can afford.
The life circumstances do not make us more worthy, life is not fair.

If she is frugal, she may have made an exception for you + getting discount for your benefit
She went through a lot of trouble to make this easy for you.

It's funny how we interpret things differently. I immediately thought that the OPs friend was being rather selfish, knowing full well what a difficult financial situation the OP was in, she still, for her own benefit, purely because she wanted to go to the concert, and obviously didn't want to go alone, encouraged the OP to go along with her. She knew the OP couldn't afford it, so she basically bribed her to go by offering to pay, until she could afford to pay her back. Frankly, I think that's rather selfish. It sounds to me like the OPs friend went to a lot of trouble to get her financially strapped friend to agree to do what she wanted, because she wanted someone to go to the concert with her. If she wanted the OP to go with her, knowing she couldn't afford it, she should've offered to pay outright for her ticket.

As far as the trip away is concerned, the OPs good friends have paid for a 1 night trip for her birthday, which she said was a surprise. After what she's been through, it sounds like she deserves it.

OP, i have been in a somewhat similar situation, where i witnessed someone whom i had supposed a friend behave in a less than honest way, relating to someone else.
i was so shocked, and it still disturbs me, several years later.
i don't want to say too much as may be outing.
but i had never come across such behaviour before, and i still castigate myself for not insisting that she did the right thing, or allowed me to do it for her.
it involved an innocent party, unknown to both of us, who was deprived of something that was of no use to the person i knew, but might have been very precious or significant to the rightful owner.
OP, you have got enough on your plate. if i were you i would be edging away from this person, not compatible values.
she caught you at a low ebb and may have manipulated you into the concert so she could get the discount.
forget it. pay what you must, then minimum contact.
don't waste your energy. she's not your kind of person.
good luck.

Re: your current situation- I hope you have legal counsel that is helping you navigate all these events.
I hope the other party is not taking advantage of you

Re: sale of large item.
This shouldn't even be on your radar. Why do you know so much about it?
It has nothing to do with you or your situation.

You were not 100% interested on the concert but chose to go.

Please concentrate on how to get out of this, looking for what is best for you and your son.
Fun things can come later.

How was your financial situation before you left your home? Any savings you can get?

Just to be clear I have never asked this friend for any financial help despite having to leave my home and being saddled with the debt of the previous relationship which was in my name as ex was sacked from his job and hit the bottle. Friend made the offer to pay for the ticket and I could pay her back when I was able. My overtime at work finished and I had a large solicitors bill . I was advised by the police to move teenage son ASAP after his father attacked him so had to pay rent on another property as well . All this contributed to current financial situation which I am clawing my way out of and I have taken on any extra work I can find. I will pay my friend in full ASAP as I always intended but I still feel disappointed that this has slightly changed the relationship. I was shocked a few weeks back when the same friend sold a large item. The buyer sent a van that was too small so had to rearrange collection. When he came the second time he gave my friend the payment and when she counted it after he left there was £100 too much. I asked if she contacted him but she said no she was keeping it for her trouble! It made me uncomfortable that the driver may have got into trouble.

doodledog it’s interesting isn’t it, how others judge a persons finances, and then put them down for being frugal.

Just because one friend might have money in the bank, doesn’t make them a free for all for friends. Nothing mean about it

You also seem to judge and disapprove of your friend's attitude towards her money management - that is none of your business what her spending habits are

I think the OP's situation is sorted now, but more generally, this was the thinking of the person I mentioned earlier. She knew that I had more money than she did, both at the end of the month and in the bank, but we were paid exactly the same. She had maxed out several credit cards and remortgaged to cover her debts, because she prioritised wants over needs. I had paid off my house and had some money because I didn't.

That was up to her, and not for me to judge, but where I got annoyed was when she continued to buy things for herself while still owing me money, on the assumption that I could afford it. I never did get it back, and we are not longer friends (not directly because of the money, but the lack of trust played a part).

OP

You also seem to judge and disapprove of your friend's attitude towards her money management - that is none of your business what her spending habits are

"Friend who is very frugal but has a good job and lots of money in bank said she would pay and I could pay her back when I could afford. She also got a discount by me booking it as a previous customer."

If she is frugal, she may have made an exception for you + getting discount for your benefit
She went through a lot of trouble to make this easy for you.

Her having a good bank balance does not mean you can delay paying her back as soon as you can, or make small payment amounts as sign of goodwill

* I think you ought to have been at least paying small installments to your friend, for the concert ticket.

* Your friend should have straightforwardly asked you to do that, if she was feeling annoyed, rather than the silly behaviour re the £50.

As she has now given you the £50, make an arrangement with her about how you'll pay the money and what will happen if the concert is cancelled.

I think you should have started paying her back as soon as you’d agreed to the concert.

she might not have budgeted being out for so long!

If anyone was cheeky, it was you.

I can’t abide people who are ‘careful’ with money. I have one ex friend who was obsessive about getting one over everyone (even her own husband). Absolute spendthrift who wasted money but would con everyone she came across and felt no shame. I think it’s some kind of mental problem.

I could never be with a man that was frugal.

seasider I’m glad things seem to be on their way to being sorted with your friend and after such a difficult year that you do actually have some good friends to cosset you a little.

I never borrow or lend under any circumstances and if anyone close or special to me is in need of a loan then, if I have it, I make a gift of what I can afford and then forget it. I would never want to risk a friendship going awry over money. ?

If I have read this right you owe her for a Ticket to an event that you're not bothered about. If so how about asking if anyone wants to buy that ticket then she'll have her money and someone who is interested in the event.

If you talk to her about selling your ticket because of your difficult financial situation at this time and how low a priority the event is to you. It's OK to say you only agreed to join her because she really wanted to go.

Be clear about your circumstances as they really are Now. And be clear about your motivation for agreeing to spend money you don't have on something you weren't bothered about because her friendship is important to you not the event.

May be you can take some lessons from this situation to help you take better care of yourself in the future.

It seems as if you would have been better to say NO than to be in this position with your friend.

I hope you find a way through.

I think booking events, and borrowing money to do so, makes it look as if you have money to spare. If you aren't bothered, or don't want to spend the money, say no. If you want to keep her as a friend, keep money matters out of any future dealings with her.

I think Hithere has a point.