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Should I pay my friend now

(40 Posts)
seasider Tue 01-Jun-21 07:47:28

To cut a long story short teenage DS and I had to leave our home at the end of 2020 due to his dad’s behaviour. Since then finances have been very tight. Good friend knows this . Good friend saw a concert she wanted to attend . I was not overly bothered but agreed to go with friend but explained I could not afford to book at that time . Friend who is very frugal but has a good job and lots of money in bank said she would pay and I could pay her back when I could afford. She also got a discount by me booking it as a previous customer.
Have not been able to pay her back yet due to solicitors bills etc but there is now doubt the event will go ahead . She will receive a full refund if it does not. Two other lovely friends are treating me to a trip away next year for my birthday. First friend was asked if she wanted to come and agreed . She told me she couldn’t set up a payment and asked me to pay the £50 deposit and she would refund me ( this was weird as she is red hot on online banking etc ) . I paid it for her but she didn’t refund me straight away as usual. She then said should I just knock it off what you owe me . I have explained that I have not budgeted to pay out £50 now and apologised for not sending her money as I was waiting to see if first event was cancelled. No money has been returned which leaves me short . She has now said I can pay her monthly .I know I owed her but I am upset by this sort of underhand behaviour instead of her just asking me. We have been good friends for 25 years and when I could afford I have been very generous to her . Am I wrong to feel upset?

Kim19 Tue 01-Jun-21 07:58:24

Wow..... strange 'friend'. Fact is, you're just going to have to lay your cards on the table and tell her you can't afford to pay her back right now, instalments or otherwise. That'll test the 'friendship'. Is she worth your obvious angst?

seasider Tue 01-Jun-21 08:31:31

@Kim19 I consider her a good friend but I have also supported her through some bad times . She had very little growing up and is extremely frugal. She is in a responsible position at work earning a good wage. She moved in with parent to look after them but they went in a home and due to circumstances no fees to be paid so she pays no rent or mortgage and has the money from sale of her own home . She prides herself on paying £2.50 a month for her mobile phone despite the fact she has no mobile data when out of the home. When we go out to eat which is not often now she never has any change for the tip. She split from on/off partner of many years as he is paranoid women are after his money!

Oopsadaisy1 Tue 01-Jun-21 08:45:17

TBH you should have said No to the concert as you can’t afford it, especially as you aren’t bothered either way and you know how tight your friend is with her money.
To salvage your friendship I don’t think you have any choice but to pay her in instalments.
I’m worried though about the trip you are going on, you will need to start saving now so that you can afford to pay your way when you get there.

NotSpaghetti Tue 01-Jun-21 08:59:54

You knew that money is her "big problem" so I think that by not paying her back (say) a fiver every so often she has started to worry about the repayment and has built up your debt in her mind.
I think most of us can see your logic but then we aren't her and you do know what she's like.

Maybe, (as she seems to be close in other non-money ways) you can have a chat with her and set up a "payment scheme" so you can start to pay off the ticket. To be honest I would have started to pay this off straight away if it were me - as if it does go ahead it will be a fat chunk of cash all at once.

The way she has "got back" the 1st £50 is a bit dodgy but given her usual financial focus is not so bonkers in her head. If you are at all able to scrape by I'd let this money go and set up a payment on the rest.

I would not wait to see if the concert goes ahead as this will feel cheeky to her and could catch you out anyway.

If you really can't manage to give her the £50 she's "reclaimed" you will have to think about how much of it you can manage without and explain that you'd like her to have X as a downpayment on your debt but you need the remainder back for y and z. Please don't let this silly irritation ruin 25 years if everything else is good. You knew she was funny with money! .... Next time make sure you are "on it".

Good luck.

Nonogran Tue 01-Jun-21 09:06:34

I'm sorry, don't mean to sound harsh but my mum always says "A fool and his money are soon parted."
Reset some ground rules here; pay her back in instalments if necessary to clear up that scenario.
If you're still going on holiday with her & the others, keep your antenna up whilst away & don't get drawn into money situations involving her. Restaurants etc comes to mind. For example if she orders expensive/drinks more & you don't, it's ok to tell the waiter you need an itemised bill only for what you've had. You've only got to do it once & she should get the message.
A good friend would have treated you to the concert. How mean of her.
In your shoes I'd be very wary of this 'friend" and be circumspect if I thought money & paying for things came up with her.
I hope the holiday goes well. Sounds like you deserve it. Just step back on the money front before u agree to anything in future.

timetogo2016 Tue 01-Jun-21 09:13:09

Blimey,with friends like that,who needs enemies.

Shropshirelass Tue 01-Jun-21 09:19:35

Ne’er a lender nor a borrower be. A very old saying with good reason. We lent a family member some money (quite a lot!) a few years ago, we had a signed agreement but it was not repaid. We had a lengthy court case and we won but still no repayment, we had to put a restriction on his property. He has since passed away, we just hope that we get something back if the property is sold in the future! A lesson learned for us.

Your friend should have been up front with you, but perhaps she was feeling awkward and wanted to spare your feelings?

Oldwoman70 Tue 01-Jun-21 09:33:31

I have a sister in law who is exactly the same! Depending on how close you are could you not sit down with her and explain how this is causing you stress and financial difficulty and that you will repay her when you are able. Alternatively do you have a mutual friend who could have a word with her.

As it seems it was her idea to pay for the tickets (and use your being a previous customer to get a discount) then she should be prepared to wait until you are in a position to repay her.

seasider Tue 01-Jun-21 09:43:09

Hi everybody thanks for your comments and I will take the advice on board . As an update . She has sent the £50 back . I will attempt to pay the other money back ASAP and never get into any financial transactions with her again . I was hurt as she knows I would never do anybody out of money. She actually criticised me for being generous with my adult children when I got a surprise windfall from PPI though at that time my situation was different . My teenage son lost his part time job due to Covid but has been lucky to get another job while he searched for full time work after leaving college . Her first comment was “Good . He can start contributing now! “

Doodledog Tue 01-Jun-21 09:54:44

A mix of money and friendship is always tricky. A while ago I lent money to a friend who promised to pay it back as soon as she could. I didn't expect it immediately, but I did get annoyed when she went on holiday before paying it back, as well as buying new clothes and replacement items for her house (things like a new microwave because the other one didn't match her kitchen).

IMO, if money is owed it should be repaid before any non-essential spending. Clearly my friend had a different opinion, so the lesson I learnt from that was that if I lent money in future I would specify when and how it should be repaid. Maybe your friend feels that as you can afford to go on holiday you can afford to pay her back?

I think that the concert situation muddies the waters, as you were only going because your friend wanted you to. It would have been kind of her to at least offer to pay half, or you could have said you could only go on those terms.

Finally, I think it is never appropriate to decide what others can afford. Your friend may have a good job and be careful with her money, but that is no reason why she should not be paid back as quickly as she would have been had she had none.

Peasblossom Tue 01-Jun-21 10:05:28

It’s always the loose, friendly arrangements that cause problems. The ones that take place with a chat.

I was once asked for help with a relatives funeral expenses. The person asking was very embarrassed and apologetic that they had to do so and I said, Don’t worry about it.

It was when I got the total bill that I realised how they’d interpreted what I said. 😱

Think you need to make your holiday money arrangements watertight. All four of you might be sitting there with a different expectation!

seasider Tue 01-Jun-21 14:05:01

Hi sorry for confusion. The trip my other you friends are paying for is one night away next year for my birthday. I only have to find some spending money. It was booked as a surprise for me as I have had a very rough year and had to leave my home . I had hoped the situation re my previous home would be sorted by now but ex is determined to fight all the way causing expensive legal fees. I have learnt my lesson .

Hithere Tue 01-Jun-21 15:21:19

I think you should straighten up your financial situation for your needs before you move to your wants

A concert and a vacation for tour bday can wait.

welbeck Tue 01-Jun-21 15:35:08

she is mean and you are not.
why bother with her.
you don't match.
stick to the generous two.
good luck.

nadateturbe Tue 01-Jun-21 18:45:18

I think Hithere has a point.

justwokeup Tue 01-Jun-21 18:56:14

I think booking events, and borrowing money to do so, makes it look as if you have money to spare. If you aren't bothered, or don't want to spend the money, say no. If you want to keep her as a friend, keep money matters out of any future dealings with her.

allsortsofbags Tue 01-Jun-21 19:19:09

If I have read this right you owe her for a Ticket to an event that you're not bothered about. If so how about asking if anyone wants to buy that ticket then she'll have her money and someone who is interested in the event.

If you talk to her about selling your ticket because of your difficult financial situation at this time and how low a priority the event is to you. It's OK to say you only agreed to join her because she really wanted to go.

Be clear about your circumstances as they really are Now. And be clear about your motivation for agreeing to spend money you don't have on something you weren't bothered about because her friendship is important to you not the event.

May be you can take some lessons from this situation to help you take better care of yourself in the future.

It seems as if you would have been better to say NO than to be in this position with your friend.

I hope you find a way through.

grannyactivist Tue 01-Jun-21 19:19:33

seasider I’m glad things seem to be on their way to being sorted with your friend and after such a difficult year that you do actually have some good friends to cosset you a little. flowers

I never borrow or lend under any circumstances and if anyone close or special to me is in need of a loan then, if I have it, I make a gift of what I can afford and then forget it. I would never want to risk a friendship going awry over money. 🙁

tickingbird Tue 01-Jun-21 19:27:00

I can’t abide people who are ‘careful’ with money. I have one ex friend who was obsessive about getting one over everyone (even her own husband). Absolute spendthrift who wasted money but would con everyone she came across and felt no shame. I think it’s some kind of mental problem.

I could never be with a man that was frugal.

Summerlove Tue 01-Jun-21 19:54:26

I think you should have started paying her back as soon as you’d agreed to the concert.

she might not have budgeted being out for so long!

If anyone was cheeky, it was you.

FarNorth Tue 01-Jun-21 20:11:21

* I think you ought to have been at least paying small installments to your friend, for the concert ticket.

* Your friend should have straightforwardly asked you to do that, if she was feeling annoyed, rather than the silly behaviour re the £50.

As she has now given you the £50, make an arrangement with her about how you'll pay the money and what will happen if the concert is cancelled.

Hithere Tue 01-Jun-21 20:37:51

OP

You also seem to judge and disapprove of your friend's attitude towards her money management - that is none of your business what her spending habits are

"Friend who is very frugal but has a good job and lots of money in bank said she would pay and I could pay her back when I could afford. She also got a discount by me booking it as a previous customer."

If she is frugal, she may have made an exception for you + getting discount for your benefit
She went through a lot of trouble to make this easy for you.

Her having a good bank balance does not mean you can delay paying her back as soon as you can, or make small payment amounts as sign of goodwill

Doodledog Tue 01-Jun-21 21:53:58

You also seem to judge and disapprove of your friend's attitude towards her money management - that is none of your business what her spending habits are

I think the OP's situation is sorted now, but more generally, this was the thinking of the person I mentioned earlier. She knew that I had more money than she did, both at the end of the month and in the bank, but we were paid exactly the same. She had maxed out several credit cards and remortgaged to cover her debts, because she prioritised wants over needs. I had paid off my house and had some money because I didn't.

That was up to her, and not for me to judge, but where I got annoyed was when she continued to buy things for herself while still owing me money, on the assumption that I could afford it. I never did get it back, and we are not longer friends (not directly because of the money, but the lack of trust played a part).

Summerlove Tue 01-Jun-21 22:12:48

doodledog it’s interesting isn’t it, how others judge a persons finances, and then put them down for being frugal.

Just because one friend might have money in the bank, doesn’t make them a free for all for friends. Nothing mean about it