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AIBU

Planned outing with friends - now feeling sad and lost

(33 Posts)
Rowantree Tue 08-Jun-21 18:38:30

I don't know whether or not I'm overreacting emotionally (I get easily hurt, suffer from anxiety and periodic depression and related issues).
I suggested a trip to see the David Hockney exhibition, knowing that Friend A wanted to go to an art exhibition. Also included Friend B who was really pleased. Managed to get three tickets in August. Today, at a tea in the park event, Friend A was talking animatedly about all the camping trips planned for the summer. I said, 'Hope it doesn't clash with our exhibition day....' to which she replied, 'Oh - then I'd have to give my ticket to someone else. Camping wins every time!' I said nothing. I felt terribly hurt, as if I was second-best (we are close friends and have been through a lot). The idea that she could consider abandoning a pre-planned outing because something better came along I found really hard. I struggled with my feelings all afternoon, wondering if I was being ridiculous. As it happened, the date doesn't clash, but I still feel hurt. It brings back feelings of rejection that at 67 I'm still trying to throw off. Am I being a spoiled child? She has every right to do as she pleases, of course she does. How do I cope with these feelings?

Blossoming Tue 08-Jun-21 18:55:26

YANBU to feel a bit put out, but I’m sure your friend would not have meant to hurt you. We have to accept that things that we find important may not matter so much to others. You can get past this and enjoy time with your friends.

hollysteers Tue 08-Jun-21 18:58:50

I don’t think you are overreacting at all. You friend sounds rather selfish as a prearranged meeting should really come first and she was not understanding or apologetic about it.
I think we all are feeling more vulnerable after lockdown. I remember being upset during first lockdown when I went to the trouble of preparing morning coffee etc for friends in the garden and they let me down. I even cried over it, when normally it wouldn’t have bothered me too much.
You say you are close friends and have been through a lot but she doesn’t seem to really know you.
Perhaps she thinks you have lots of things going on she doesn’t know about?

Redhead56 Tue 08-Jun-21 19:00:55

I really think this is rather childish behaviour on your so called friends part. I don’t think you are but it is unfortunate you are sensitive that’s your nature. Personally I would find someone else to go with and would move on.

Septimia Tue 08-Jun-21 19:01:20

I'd feel like you, especially if I'd arranged something that I thought my friend would really appreciate and be excited about.

It's no good dwelling on it, though, as it won't make her feel any differently. We all see things differently. If she doesn't go with you and gives her ticket to someone else perhaps you can enjoy their company instead.

If that happens I would feel inclined afterwards to enthuse about how good it was (even if it wasn't !). At least go and enjoy it yourself.

Rowantree Tue 08-Jun-21 19:13:07

...Perhaps she thinks you have lots of things going on she doesn’t know about?... hollysteers Trouble is, I don't! I completely admire and support the ways she's moved on from a very difficult life and gained new confidence. My own confidence is low again and while I recognise that that's my problem and I cannot and must not depend on anyone else for my happiness, I wouldn't consider doing that to anyone unless there was a very good reason or an emergency.

I'm hypersensitive at the moment - I found the WI tea in the park this afternoon overwhelming, knew hardly anyone and though I chatted to people and mingled, I felt like the proverbial fish out of water. Everyone else looked so at ease and together.
I would definitely go by myself if need be but Friend B is coming and hopefully Friend A if there's no better offer!

Thank you all for your insight. I don't feel such an idiot for feeling a bit hurt.
hollysteers you might be right about lockdown and vulnerability. In a sense, too, there was some comfort knowing no one could go out and socialise, so less pressure and no FOMO! Now all that's changed and the pressure is on to resume where we left off. Not so easy when you struggle.

Urmstongran Tue 08-Jun-21 19:14:56

FWIW I would have felt hurt too Rowantree. Luckily (this time) the dates don’t clash. I’d be wary (mindful) of booking anything going forward though.

Kim19 Tue 08-Jun-21 19:16:33

I'm sympathetic to your thinking but I'm trying to imagine the current difficulty of someone having to forego a whole prospective trip because of one day. Yes, it's a bit insensitive and irresponsible of her but in these currently difficult times I guess we shouldn't be too judgemental. Start thinking now of who you might approach as a suitable replacement just in case. Fingers crossed it all works out well for you. Good luck and enjoy your exhibition whoever you share it with.

Kim19 Tue 08-Jun-21 19:31:42

Addendum.... I did read that your dates didn't clash on this occasion but, sloppily, it didn't register. So glad it worked out for you. Since you are such good buddies maybe you could run your thoughts on this by her sometime?

maydonoz Tue 08-Jun-21 19:59:12

Rowntree, I understand how you feel, I think I would also feel hurt in a similar situation. It seems as if your friend was being rather dismissive of the plan you had made, and quite happy to forego it for something better on offer.
I would not be keen to include her in any other similar trip as she seems to be unreliable.
On the other hand, you have known her for some time and been through a lot together, so with time you may wish to overlook this misdemeanor and accept your friend how she is. After all none of us are perfect.

love0c Tue 08-Jun-21 20:22:38

I understand perfectly. Yes, I would have been upset as well. It seems to me so many people are selfish. Their upbringing may well play a large part in how they behave. I brought up my children to not make plans unless they intended keeping them. sometimes things come up but your friend should have checked before booking camping trips or at least have spoken to you. It is done now and all sounds well so enjoy it and next time you want to book something say along the lines of ' I hope you are not going to dump me if something better comes along', and then laugh. You will have made your point.

geekesse Tue 08-Jun-21 21:06:11

I don’t think you or your friend are being unreasonable. You and your friend just have quite different emotional investment in this trip to see an exhibition. For you, it’s clearly a big deal. For her it doesn’t have the same importance.

She’s not putting you second, she’s putting a trip to an art gallery second to a camping trip. Many people would do the same, and it isn’t unreasonable. In that sense, you are over-reacting. Don’t take it as a personal slight, and consider carefully before tying someone into something you really want to do, because they may just go along with your plans to keep you happy.

lemsip Tue 08-Jun-21 21:16:25

I wouldn't agree to a ticket thing weeks ahead in case something else came up anyway.

M0nica Tue 08-Jun-21 21:47:30

Life is full of little setbacks and misunderstandings. She did not realise how important this trip was to you and you underestiamated how much camping meant to her.

As we go through life. I am sure most of us will have been on both sides of this kind of event, inadvertantly failing to take seriously, something that mattered deeply to someone else and being upset as you are on this occcasion when you are the one let down.

None of us is perfect. If she is a good friend, just let it slide.

PinkCakes Tue 08-Jun-21 21:58:28

Rowantree I don't think you're being unreasonable. Your friend sounds insensitive. She's perhaps got a busy social life, but she could have been more tactful.

A friend of mine (known each other 20-odd years, she's been through a lot and I've helped her) is the same. We'd arranged to meet for lunch recently, a fortnight in advance, then she told me the day before she was having her nails done! She offered to see me for 1/2 hour. I declined, we met up a week later instead. Then last week, we were meant to be at aqua aerobics (again, planned 2wk in advance), on the day she said she couldn't make it so I went alone.

Some people aren't considerate of the feelings of others. Perhaps meet up with others, and see this friend A on your terms? That's what I plan to do now.

Oopsadaisy1 Tue 08-Jun-21 22:02:00

If it was me and I had agreed to go somewhere for the day, but my family or DH had had to sort out work dates etc. and could only go camping on that same week, then I’m afraid that the family holiday would win.

Life is about juggling things and trying not to double book, don’t take it personally.

CanadianGran Tue 08-Jun-21 22:02:47

I feel for you Rowantree. I posted a couple of months ago about my book group changing at the last minute, and I was unable to bounce along with the change. I was upset and angry! And that was just a zoom meeting, not in real life.

We have had so little social interaction this last 18 months that I find myself absurdly looking forward to events and meetings now. Having plans dashed is really a let down. Did I feel I was over-reacting? Yes, I knew it but couldn't help myself.

But like geekess has said, she is choosing the priority of the event, not the company. For her, camping is more important than a gallery visit. She really didn't mean to hurt you, but I really do sympathize. I'm glad she is able to go after all.

MayBee70 Tue 08-Jun-21 22:13:29

I would have been hurt, too. I have been phoning one of my oldest friends on a regular basis throughout the pandemic as she lives alone. Not that she doesn’t have a wide circle of friends plus the fact she still has a father, aunts and uncles still alive which I don’t have. She doesn’t, however, have children. She did say something quite cutting last time I spoke (she can be quite abrasive) to her and I don’t feel like phoning again. I wish I was more assertive. I’m sure that assertive people clear things up straight away and don’t brood over things. My boss sent me on an assertiveness course once but it obviously didn’t work! Then again I don’t say things straight away for fear of hurting people. Can’t win really….

Grammaretto Tue 08-Jun-21 22:34:20

YANBU Rowantree I would feel hurt too and rejected. You have had some wise answers here and I am sure they are right to say your friend didn't mean to hurt you but the fact is, she did.
What about friend B? Can she be trusted?
You should not accept a better offer if you have already accepted one - it is plain rude!

welbeck Wed 09-Jun-21 00:17:18

i think you are personalising it too much.
she simply prefers camping to art exhibition.
and one is a day outing, whereas the other is an overnight holiday, presumably with family.
the camping seems much more of an event, esp perhaps at the moment with restrictions on holidays.
from her point of view its like comparing a snack with a banquet.
i doubt it's got anything at all to do with you being involved.
indeed, she said as much, camping wins every time.
i am sorry that you feel let down and sad, but i do not think it is helpful to see it in a personalised way.
hope you enjoy the art.

Hithere Wed 09-Jun-21 03:53:50

I would be a little hurt but I would understand she prefers something else.
I would also attend the art exhibition and enjoy it.

You have admitted that you are oversensitive so it is affecting you more than the average person- I would look into addressing it,

ineedamum Wed 09-Jun-21 05:31:01

I can see both sides.

It's understandable you feel anxious about getting back to normal. I'd say most people do, the world has changed and going to cafe etc is a different experience to how we remember.

If you're anxious anyway, this will be exacerbated. Despite all of this, you found the courage and confidence to arrange it all.

Your friend wants to go camping. Booking camping and holidays has been difficult this year, costs, availability, uncertainty etc. She may have had to rearrange several times.

If the holiday clashed with the day out, how would you feel if she cancelled the holiday for an exhibition?

Rowantree Wed 09-Jun-21 07:26:29

Wow, thank you, wise fellow-grans! Lots of different viewpoints here and much to think about in the way I'm looking at things. Many, many thanks to all for your wisdom and honesty - I really appreciate it.

Just to clarify: 1. Camping trip is not with family and was a couple of nights, planned on the spur of the moment: 2. I know how much she really loves camping, but I know she loves going to the Royal Academy and doesn't have anyone else to go with. 3. It was a huge struggle getting any tickets as they were almost solidly booked.

All of that said, I will be slightly warier in future and prepare myself for possible cancellation. I know she didn't intend to hurt me and that she values my friendship BUT at that moment I was suddenly in doubt and that threw me emotionally. I don't have many close friends and struggle with large gatherings, so meaningful friendships mean a great deal.

My problem, I guess!

FarNorth Wed 09-Jun-21 07:41:43

I'm amazed at the people making excuses for friend A.
She was very thoughtless in the way she spoke, implying that the outing with Rowantree is unimportant to her. That impression remains, even if the dates don't clash.
She could at least have said "Oh, I hope not."

It's not just a case of going to an exhibition, it's a case of wanting time with a friend. And Friend A has treated that very casually.

Lockdown has made many people more sensitive but perhaps it has made others more self-centred.

FarNorth Wed 09-Jun-21 07:43:17

You posted while I was writing, Rowantree. smile