Family Wedding Invites

The last wedding invitation we got was to a friend's wedding where we were invited to the church, and then to the evening "do" but not the meal in the middle (not sure what we were supposed to do with the rest of the day - it rained heavily by the way). It was 200 miles away and would have been expensive in terms of hotel, travel, new outfit, present, etc. so we decided not to go and just sent them our apologies and a present. In your shoes, I would look for accommodation for you and your children for a long weekend, where you can all stay together and take advantage of the opportunity to spend time together; you could hire one of those people carrier taxis to take you all and pick you up later, to allow you to stay farther away in a cheaper place? You could always say that you'll all come to the evening "do" and give the couple the opportunity to invite someone-else to the wedding itself ? try not to get upset about it. So much "unfinished business" arises at family weddings and funerals (the last funeral I went to was a complete slanging match - very sad).

I would suggest that on reflection you will be able to see how wonderful and respectful it is about your time of caring for her when she was younger that is reflected in the invitation.

I also think times have changed - when I got married many years ago I had to have a huge amount of family there and was only “allowed” 6 of my friends to attend. If I do get married again I would want the whole thing to be very different.

Cousins do become increasingly distant and independent. I think it’s lovely that they have been included in the evening and most of my cousins would probably prefer that than attend the whole day!

Feel honoured rather than upset

When DS and DiL got married they asked me if they should invite various people from my side of the family. I told them to invite who they wanted to and not bother with the relatives they hardly know and never see. DiL has a very large family and they are very close. My family is much smaller and not at all close. If anyone was offended by not being included, tough! One cousin was invited but got a better offer the week before and didn't come and didn't even let them know! Sadly that's my family! I actually feel closer to some of my DiL's family than my own. I have more in common with them and love spending time with them. The cost of a wedding is huge and when you invite a lot of people you are constrained by what you can afford and the size of the venue so it's important to have the people who matter most to you, particularly mutual friends. If a wedding is a long way away with the need for an overnight stay then you have to decide if you can afford it. If not there is no point complaining, you just politely decline!

My nephew grew up with me, his Auntie, round the corner from him.. He often spent time with my children. When he was doing GCSE s I coached him in science. His cousins invited him and his partner to their wedding, even in the same year. For his wedding, he excluded not only his cousins but also me, his Auntie. He comes from a wealthy family. I was upset as were his cousins. I tried hard not to let it show, although I may not have been completely successful. It was a pity, but as time goes by, you just put it to the back of your mind and forget all about it . So that’s my advice. It won’t seem so important later on.

In your situation, I would be inclined to travel as a family. Not sure what day of the week it's on, but I would stay in a b and b all together. And drive home next day. Lifes too short, to worry about the details

Their wedding, their guest list, their choice...
Yes, it seems hurtful, but couples have to make hard decisions regarding their weddings and at least your children (their cousins) have been invited to the evening "do".
It is entirely up to you whether you accept the invitation or graciously decline and send a lovely present or a cheque instead, given the closeness of your relationships.

And maybe they have chosen the venue because it is special to them and they want to share it with their wider family?

Personally, I am saddened by the moving away from a wedding in a local church followed by a reception at home or in a nice hotel nearby, but it is what it is and couples are free to make a lot more choices than I had, back in the day, when it was church or register office.

Wondering if she hasn't invited anyone, not just your kids, who have children to the day

This forum is getting aggressive. All of Social Media is getting aggressive now. It was all help and nice advice at the beginning of Covid cut everyone has very quickly reverted. You can tell people they are wrong without being so nasty about it.

Summerlove 11:37

You nailed it.

Bette22

I dont think I'm making it about my feelings tbh , I get your point , but she grew up alongside her cousins and spent whole weekends here on sleepovers etc . I would understand it better if she wasnt close to them and would 100% agree with you if so

She obviously doesn’t feel close to them now.

You are being unreasonable. A wedding is about the couple, not a “family event”.

Not everyone appreciates their wedding being used as a family reunion on their dime.

I thought Covid would have put paid to all this stupid nonsense about big weddings and feeding lots of people you don't really know. Is there not a trend now for smaller gatherings and having a larger party if you have to later on. Really stylish brides now seem to be going in for the smaller wedding, hiring the dress and as much of the other trappings as they can to keep costs down and be seen as sensible. Don't feel miffed for people who are not really close family i.e. cousins and be glad that you have been invited.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.
But as others have said, weddings have changed so much. When I got married, we invited 100 guests, who were mainly family. Who we didn’t see from one year to the next. Our friends came to the evening do.
I think back then, the wedding was about the family as well as the bride and groom. But times have changed, now it’s all about the happy couple and what they want from their day. And let’s face it, wedding cost a fortune now. Unfortunately now, wedding also cost the guests an awful lot of money.

So, go to the wedding and enjoy the day and don’t take it to heart.

Also there may be othetr Aunts and Uncles whose adult children have not been invited so to invite those from one family means others would expect to be included. All difficult but the Couple are free to make their own decisions depending on cost and size of venue.

Goodness - much more going on these days to worry about - poor brides and grooms so many choices that have to be made. If this is all you have to be concerned about you are very lucky!

I am sure Bette22 and her children wouldn't feel hurt if they were not a close family .She did say they all lived close by so I'm guessing that they do see a lot of each other . Who would be that bothered if they were distant .

Its interesting to see the assumptions made in some of the comments that they no longer had a close connection.
It is also sad that it seems the extended family network is no longer important or relevant today . As I've got older I've come to realise that all but a handful of friends endure but your family are your family all of your life .

I do think you are being a little unreasonable. If others in your family are being treated the same, then I don’t think you have cause to be hurt - it’s just logistics. Weddings are expensive and if you invite absolutely everyone, the costs spiral. Your children have been invited to the evening celebrations and it’s unfortunate if the venue is too far away for them to attend, but they haven’t been deliberately left out - it’s really not the responsibility of the bride and groom to cover the cost of accommodation.

Could you all get a minibus and just go for the evening might work out more reasonable that way ? As a nice compromise?

Daughter went to a friend's wedding absolutely nowhere near where either of the couple had connections. Certainly no family lived near there. 'We've found a lovely venue' was the explanation prior to the event.
Though school and uni friends were scattered to the 4 winds, I did think it odd.

Bette22 I am sorry you are hurt but we cannot help our feelings. You are being honest about how you feel . Please take all the comments here lightly and don't be more hurt by the comments. I am sure you will enjoy the day and your DC have to make their own decision re the evening do. Weddings have certainly changed since our day.I remember a certain number of my parents friends who I didnt really know. My parents footed the entire bill .I hope by the time the occasion arrives you will have had time to work through how you feel and be able to relax and enjoy the day. We cannot help our feelings so certainly don't feel bad about how you feel.

Haven’t been to any weddings for ages, but can remember that if you were invited to the ‘day’ do, especially if it were an 11am or noon wedding, by the time 7 or 8 pm had arrived and the ‘evening’ do started, I was ready for home! Still full from the meal and drinks, and talked out. Plus the obligatory DJ commencing with oh-so-loud music, couldn’t hear yourself speak, and being ‘encouraged’ onto the dance floor at every touch and turn.

My bed seemed inviting!

I just think its nice to be invited. It dosent matter if your children are not. Its the bride and grooms day after all and I know its a nightmare who to invite and who not. Just go and enjoy it.
My niece is getting married next year and my DH and I and my DB and SIL are invited my other DBs and DS's are only invited to the evening do but they are all ok with that as they love our DN not matter what and want her to have a lovely time which is what its all about really.

Wedding guest lists can be an absolute nightmare! At the end of the day, the couple should be able to invite who they really want at their wedding, and that's usually close family, and lots of good friends who they spend time with, not cousins who they have grown apart from.

When my DS & DiL married, they did invite aunts & uncles, but only one or two cousins, who they wanted there. All of my husband's siblings (he has 4) have at least 3-4 adult children themselves (my son's cousins), some with partners, and children of their own. One of my husband's brothers took offence, and declined the invite, because his four adult children, who my son used to spend a lot of time with when they were growing up, but has had very little to do with since childhood, weren't invited! Frankly, my son didn't give two hoots, but it did make for some awkwardness within the family, especially from my MiL!

Many of us have grown up with our cousins, who were probably amongst some of our first friends, but by the time we go to high school, throughout our teens, and beyond, we often go our separate ways, and often have very little to do with them.

I do understand why the OP feels the way she does, as most of us would be a little upset, and feel left out, if we, or our children, weren't included in a family wedding, but I do appreciate and understand why. Weddings are usually ridiculously expensive occasions, and venues have a maximum limit on the number of guests. If my DS & DiL had to invite all of their cousins/partners they would not have been able to invite all of their close friends who they spend time with, and who they have known for many years. Couples don't generally leave people off their wedding guest lists out of spite, it's often down to the cost, and how many guests they are allowed at their chosen venue. So, why should they invite a family member, who they have little to do with, over inviting a good friend who they spend a lot of time with?

If I were the OP, I'd go along to the wedding and enjoy it with the rest of the family. Your children are adults now, and they have still been invited to the evening if they wish to attend.

On that note, I do agree with another poster who mentioned that she dislikes the whole 'day-do/evening-do', and couples have to decide which guests get to spend all day at the wedding. My DS & DiL had a very late afternoon ceremony, followed by dinner, a live instrumental band playing throughout, then speeches, followed by DJ/party until the wee small hours. No separate day-time/night-time invites, and it worked perfectly.

I do feel for you, as any kind of rejection is hard, and especially so if it is someone rejecting your children. But don't forget that we can't all be closet friends with everyone, and in this case there were others the happy couple would prefer to be there.

Not sure why you feel hurt? Unless you are paying for some/part of wedding it really is up to whoever is paying for it all. Maybe you could pay for your children to book in to a hotel nearby?

Bette22 good morning. ?

There is such pressure on arranging weddings isn’t there? As a bride and groom there are usually lots of compromises to be made and, in my experience, that includes making choices that may not go down well.

I sometimes feel that I am almost a professional wedding guest. In addition to having a huge number of nephews and nieces I have an extended ‘family’ of young adults who regard me as a closer family member than say an aunt or a cousin. These include my Godchildren, foster children, people who have lodged with me and youngsters that I’ve been an ‘agony aunt’ to. When they get married we are always invited to the main ‘do’, I’m often asked to do a reading and sometimes I’ve been asked to sit on the top table. I’m always conscious that there will be many people at these weddings wondering who on earth my husband and I are that we get such special treatment - and on one occasion was actually challenged by a guest. Eeek!

It’s understandable that you want your children to enjoy this special day, but your lovely niece has probably agonised about how to fit everybody in and this was the best she could do. If you can afford it why don’t you treat your children to a room so that they can attend the evening ‘do’ with you?