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Family Wedding Invites

(119 Posts)
Bette22 Fri 30-Jul-21 10:41:51

Our niece who we were close to growing up has invited us to her wedding but our adult children , her cousins ,have only been invited to the evening . The wedding is not local and nearest hotel is expensive.
We will go but our children will decline because of the logistics of getting there and back and the expense . We are all a bit miffed to be honest . When I asked whether there was any availability in the hotel venue we were curtly told those rooms were for close family only .
Our children are a little hurt . Weve been polite but I cant help feeling annoyed .
Theyve brushed it off to do with finances and weddings being expensive which I appreciate but family occasions are few and far between these days and we would loved to have celebrated their day as a family. Its spoilt it for me tbh .
Why do people choose wedding venues so far away from where they live anyway .
They live near us by the way .
Thoughts please, am I being unreasonable

cornishpatsy Fri 30-Jul-21 10:46:34

The wedding is really about the couple not the relatives. If they were close to their cousins they would have been invited to the day but there are obviously people they are closer to.

People choose to get married because that’s where they want it to be ,not to suit those that are invited.

I think you are being unreasonable as you are making this about you and your feelings.

cornishpatsy Fri 30-Jul-21 10:48:46

People choose to get married at a certain venue because…

rosie1959 Fri 30-Jul-21 10:49:06

Sorry yes a little unreasonable. Weddings are very expensive so you have keep your guest list to what you can afford.
To be honest the wedding and location is the couples choice.
We have recently been to a wedding 400 miles away where most of the guests live close to us but it was the bride and grooms choice and we had to option to decline. We went and had a lovely time in a wonderful location.

Blossoming Fri 30-Jul-21 10:50:45

I’m afraid I think you are being unreasonable. Weddings are expensive and I don’t think they’re ‘brushing it off’ by offering finances as an explanation.

greenlady102 Fri 30-Jul-21 10:51:28

yes you are being unreasonable.

Bette22 Fri 30-Jul-21 10:52:09

I dont think I'm making it about my feelings tbh , I get your point , but she grew up alongside her cousins and spent whole weekends here on sleepovers etc . I would understand it better if she wasnt close to them and would 100% agree with you if so

Bluebellwould Fri 30-Jul-21 10:53:02

I think you are really being unreasonable. What does it matter that your children aren’t invited to the wedding, they get to go the fun party afterwards. The poor bride having to put up with your attitude on top of arranging a wedding under COVID conditions. My son’s wedding last year was wrecked by the ever changing conditions imposed by government. Chill, relax and enjoy the day and the reception later with everyone.

Bluebellwould Fri 30-Jul-21 10:56:44

Honestly you are living in the past, so what if they had sleepovers etc. People move on and their friendships and alliances change. Just because they were once close doesn’t mean as much now she has new friends.

Smileless2012 Fri 30-Jul-21 10:57:24

I don't think you are being unreasonable in feeling "a bit miffed" as your children are hurt by only being invited to the evening do.

You're handling it correctly by keeping your feelings away from your niece and I hope you'll be able to enjoy the day.

Bette22 Fri 30-Jul-21 11:00:46

Thanks for all your replies , yes I can see I'm being unreasonable. Maybe family means something different to me and I am probably living in the past like you said .
Thanks for helping me to see this .

jaylucy Fri 30-Jul-21 11:01:16

I have had several times either just been invited to evening for weddings when my parents were invited to the ceremony and both afternoon and evening and on a couple of occasions have not been invited at all to cousins weddings.
As my dad was one of ten, there are quite a few cousins that I have had little contact with since we were children, so tbh, didn't expect an invite!
In this day and age, with the costs of weddings, hard decisions have had to be made and especially at the moment when restrictions have been made about the number of people that can be invited.
Maybe it's a case that the aunts and uncles were on the invitation list and when the restrictions were relaxed, it meant that the cousins could be invited to the evening function that previously would not have happened!
Above all, it is the couples wedding so sorry, but up to them where when and who their guests are is up to them.

Kim19 Fri 30-Jul-21 11:01:17

Please don't go if you feel so miffed. You would only carry your grudge with you and it feels as if you are already stoking the angst. It is entirely the couples' day and their guest list is none of your business. Hard but true.

Bette22 Fri 30-Jul-21 11:03:01

Thankyou smileless2012 , I was feeling a bit attacked there for a minute .

Smileless2012 Fri 30-Jul-21 11:05:16

Your welcome Bettesmile. We can't always control how we feel, but we can control how we respond to those feelings.

I hope you'll have a lovely day.

Bette22 Fri 30-Jul-21 11:05:20

I'm not stoking angst or carrying a grudge , I'm going to celebrate and enjoy the day . Wow this forums aggressive this morning !!!

jusnoneed Fri 30-Jul-21 12:29:44

A couple of my sons friends have married either abroad or nowhere near where they live here over the last few years. So when the invites go out a few of them (could be your family in your case) make a bit of a holiday of the event. Rent somewhere, or book your preferred type of accommodation, and stay for a long weekend or even a week in the case of the Cyprus one they went to.
The next one is in Devon next year (hopefully as it's been postponed twice due to covid) and he and some others are all going for 3 days.
Could your family do something similar?

DiscoDancer1975 Fri 30-Jul-21 12:45:00

I don’t think people are being aggressive, just answering what you asked. As Smileless said, it’s not wrong to feel as you do, it’s what you do about it that matters.

Everything is a mess at the moment. We’re unable to go to a wedding this weekend, because we just don’t want to risk travelling. I feel sad for anyone trying to get married at the moment.

They have to do what’s right for them, so if you don’t think you’ll enjoy it, don’t go.

silverlining48 Fri 30-Jul-21 12:49:24

You did ask the Aibu question Bette. .. I understand your being disappointed but at least you got an invitation. When my only sibling’s children got married neither we nor our children were invited.
Go and enjoy, weddings are so costly these days and often numbers are set by the venues, and that was before Covid.

CafeAuLait Fri 30-Jul-21 12:55:07

For whatever reason, your children didn't make the priority list. They have been included though with their invitation to the party.

If it is a hassle, I don't think I'd go just for the party. If they do want to go, can they call the cheaper hotel and make their own booking privately, if there are rooms still available?

I get that it might hurt being on the 'B' list but that is how it goes sometimes. There is no obligation for them to attend but, if they do, they'll need to be understanding about the couple's need to prioritise.

Teacheranne Fri 30-Jul-21 12:56:41

Guest lists at weddings appear to have changed since I got married when the majority of the guests invited to the ceremony and dinner were family ( even if I hardly knew them,!) with friends and work colleagues just invited to the evening do.

However at the last two weddings I went to in 2019, the majority of the guests were friends and only close family were there, not the long list of rarely seen second cousins that I had to invite! Not many extra guests went for the evening. It changed the whole atmosphere of the wedding, lots more fun, laughter, dancing and partying than I remember at mine - the elderly aunts sat around the dance floor were missing!

My daughter has said that when (if) she gets married, she has no intention of inviting my mad cousin or any relative that she has never seen!

I wonder if this change is partly due to the fact that my wedding was paid for by our parents whereas many couple nowadays fund it mainly themselves as they already live together.

TrendyNannie6 Fri 30-Jul-21 13:11:38

I think you are being unreasonable, people will get married at the venue of their choice, their wedding! You say they have brushed it off to do with finances and weddings being expensive, weddings do not come cheap, sadly they can’t please everyone,

Kim19 Fri 30-Jul-21 13:20:32

Aggressive? Moi? I sincerely hope not and apologise immediately if that's how I came over. It was the honest response your opener words and vibes as felt by me. Truly sorry if I've bothered you.

ElaineI Fri 30-Jul-21 13:21:23

I think things have changed a lot with Covid now and despite opening up a bit more, many people are still a bit nervous about large gatherings. It will take a lot longer to regain confidence and perhaps some things will always be affected. We were at a funeral last week - best friend's brother - and were personally invited by my friend as were most guests (even his work colleagues). My friend also had to personally invite people to join afterwards for some food and tea. We had to check in by app at crematorium and the restaurant, wear masks and maintain distance of 1m inside. Still no hymns allowed just recordings. When her Mum died in January there were only 20 allowed and nothing after. My friend has had a sad year. I know lots of weddings have had to be cancelled so I guess also people may be guarding against suddenly having to cancel.

aonk Fri 30-Jul-21 13:40:19

Two of our daughters got married in the last few years. I’m each case no children or adult cousins were invited mainly because of numbers and expense. As long as any others in a similar position have been treated equally you have nothing to complain about. It’s the way things are done now. When I got married my father paid for the wedding and invited all his friends and relatives. I hardly knew some of these people. Your children have been included and in my opinion should make the effort to go. There must be an affordable B and B or air bnb somewhere nearby.