Family Wedding Invites

What a shame grandtanteJE65 and what a very strange way to behave.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. To me it is very odd that anyone would invite their uncle and aunt but not their cousins.'

If expense was the issue, it would have been better not to invite any of you, or invite you all only to the evening do.

However, it is better than what happened to us at my niece's wedding. We were both invited and the bride was quite rude to my husband for no reason at all. He left, saying to me that he could not stay where he wasn't welcome, nor could he bring himself to argue with a bride on her wedding day, but that I should stay.

Frankly, I would have preferred to leave too. We haven't accepted any invitations from them since, I may say, nor do we intend to waste good money on travel and hotel to be treated rudely.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to a point. When I got married we invited all of our rather large family’s, including long lost aunts and cousins. The same happened at my cousins weddings. We had a great time catching up.
Having been to a few weddings more recently, it’s not done that way these days. They tend to invite close friends and family instead, mainly due to COVID but also finances.
I am in a similar situation to you in September. We have chosen to rent rooms local to the wedding. I will go to the wedding while the kids investigate the local surroundings and then they will join us later in the evening.

Normal to feel abit miffed.
I do think YABU tho sorry.

It'd be interesting to know when was the last time the niece and cousins actually met/spoke etc.
If it's been a number of years, there's your answer.

Bette 22, I understand and sympathise with you for feeling a bit miffed, but as you say, you will attend your niece's wedding and will hide your feelings. It is the bride's big day and none would want to spoil it.
Unfortunately, weddings and funerals are highly emotive occasions, and we can be sensitive about our status on that occasion.
Personally, I've never liked the idea of "the main wedding" and " the evening reception". It feels like guests are being divided into two classes. On two occasions, we experienced the invitation to the evening party, one was my niece and we realised that all the bride's relatives had this invitation, while the groom's were at the main reception. Needless to say, we did not show our feelings but it did seem a bit odd. The second one was the daughter of my DH's friend, the only one present at the wedding.
Although DH was very hurt and upset re the evening invitation, we managed to hide our feelings, saying again it's the bride's day and nothing can be more important.
I'm sure you'll attend and have a great day in spite of your misgivings.
We cannot control our feelings, but we can control how we react to or handle them.

From friends/family of mine that got married (mostly in the years pre-pandemic) many of them whittled down the guest list by asking themselves if they had seen or spoken to the guests in the prior year (out with matches hatches or dispatches). Weddings are expensive and buying a 3 course dinner and drinks for someone you knew as a child but have no meaningful adult relationship with isn’t something that many people can afford these days regardless of tradition.

It’s all down to the Bride and Groom. It’s their day and should be allowed to invite who they wish. No obligation !
I always make it clear that I wouldn’t be offended if I didn’t get an invitation.
We all know how difficult it is to include everyone and weddings are an expensive occassion.
Just go along as a loving aunt and don’t give it another thought.
There’s nothing you can do about it and your children will get over it.

Tbh I dont think any of it is what loving families do but I guess it's that old potato of , if you include me , I'll include you . If you share with me I'll share with you etc etc etc
Sad really .

Let it go for now. You will only seem petty. But it’s a lapse in commitment to near family that can be exploited at a later date.

How can it be exploited? For what purpose? To punish the couple?

Is this what loving families do?

I agree , when my son and lovely daughter in law married the guest list and arrangements were entirely up to them, and they chose a lovely venue that they knew would be easily accessible to their family and friends . It was a lovely day because most guests could leave their cars at home and enjoy the day and get home again in cabs without the added expense of hotels . I was proud of how sensitive they were . They didnt exclude or split up close family members either . They also didnt bother with second or third generations as they wouldn't have had or have in the future contact with them .

It actually was to their advantage really and one guest actually wrote in a card that she could happily afford a bigger monetary gift to them because of it .

It was a fabulous day with close family and friends of the couple and the venue was beautiful .

I can also understand children not being invited , these days the children would outnumber the adult guests .

I guess everyone has a different opinion but this is mine and I do have empathy with Bette22

I thought some of the responses were a bit harsh. However, as many posters have pointed out things have changed a lot. When I married many of the guests were family and people my parents wanted to invite. The majority of our friends came to the ‘night do’. If I’m really honest I prefer not to receive an invitation to weddings these days. I live some distance from family and the cost of attending is more than I can afford.

I wasn't assuming her family hadn't seen their cousins since primary school , I read it as they were all very much in close contact and she didnt state her adult children had partners or families of their own . Of course one would have to draw the line if it involved lots of generations but I didn't assume that from her post .

My ma got married post ww2. Small wedding, coupons, rationing. Dad's family lived hundreds of miles away and couldnt afford to come.

Not everyone lives in the same town they grew up in which seems to be a dividing point on here. Not everyone remembers the friends or cousins they played with at primary school even with sleep overs.

And sometimes the area the bride and groom in doesn't provide the facilities they would like or the place they've chosen is convenient for their friends. DC has just got married after several false Covid starts - friends from all over the UK. As PPs have said, if you start inviting cousins DC would have had 2 close, 18 never seen, and spouse 20 and 30 kids only 2 of whom are seen.

OP, get out your hat and dress and just enjoy.

OP

What is your definition of "close family"?

If your niece includes her cousins and their families, the number can balloon superfast.

Once weddings were about two families meeting to celebrate the joining of loved ones from each family.
Rightly or wrongly this is no longer the case and much of whatMarathonRunner says is true.
When my DCs were married all the aunts/uncles/ cousins were invited as a priority. When two of the said cousins married one didn’t invite any of our side cousins, but his mother’s nieces and nephews were invited. The other married in an out of the way venue abroad, invited us and only one of our DCs!
I don’t think your being unreasonable, but you do have to go with the flow and rise above your feelings.

I'm amazed at some of the responses here , I can understand the hurt . Some of you have assumed that Bette22 is a distant relative , a fusty old Aunt , her children distant cousins never seen , but I think perhaps their hurt comes from the fact that they are indeed the opposite, a close immediate family that have all grown up together and would have liked to have celebrated a joyful day as a family with other family members .

I've been to family weddings where this has been done to me and have sat beside guests at the table to discover they went to primary school or once worked with the bride but hadn't actually seen them for years but were delighted to reconnect for the wedding .

My sister did this and after a divorce years later those friends that were so 'important ' on her big day are long gone but of course her family are still with her , loving and giving as always .

Indeed Bette22 does say she would understand it if they weren't close and I'm sure she wouldn't care a jot if she had no relationship with her niece at all .
So Bette22 if it's any consolation I do get it .I would be hurt too but like you I would be gracious and accept as it appears you are doing .
Incidentally is this Gransnet or HighSchool Playgroundnet , jeez some of the earlier responses!!!!!

I think times have changed. When I got married we were expected to invite the people that our parents thought should be there, and only invite our close friends for the full day, with more friends in the evening. However, couples themselves didn’t pay for the wedding, parents did, so it was accepted. Now, many young couples pay for all or most of the wedding themselves, and they decide the guest list. Its expensive to invite lots of people for the full day, so they will probably have a limited guest list too. It’s not surprising that they prioritise the people they are closest to, and it sounds like that’s what’s happened here. I think your children need to consider how close they are now to their cousin, and if they were choosing who to invite to their own full day, would they invite her?

Let it go for now. You will only seem petty. But it’s a lapse in commitment to near family that can be exploited at a later date.

How many cousins does the bridegroom have? That may have influenced their decision. My children have only one cousin, but my daughters husband had over thirty! Hence the lack of invitation to cousins

You can’t invite one set without the other

Two of our daughters got married in the last few years. I’m each case no children or adult cousins were invited mainly because of numbers and expense. As long as any others in a similar position have been treated equally you have nothing to complain about. It’s the way things are done now. When I got married my father paid for the wedding and invited all his friends and relatives. I hardly knew some of these people. Your children have been included and in my opinion should make the effort to go. There must be an affordable B and B or air bnb somewhere nearby.

I think things have changed a lot with Covid now and despite opening up a bit more, many people are still a bit nervous about large gatherings. It will take a lot longer to regain confidence and perhaps some things will always be affected. We were at a funeral last week - best friend's brother - and were personally invited by my friend as were most guests (even his work colleagues). My friend also had to personally invite people to join afterwards for some food and tea. We had to check in by app at crematorium and the restaurant, wear masks and maintain distance of 1m inside. Still no hymns allowed just recordings. When her Mum died in January there were only 20 allowed and nothing after. My friend has had a sad year. I know lots of weddings have had to be cancelled so I guess also people may be guarding against suddenly having to cancel.

Aggressive? Moi? I sincerely hope not and apologise immediately if that's how I came over. It was the honest response your opener words and vibes as felt by me. Truly sorry if I've bothered you.

I think you are being unreasonable, people will get married at the venue of their choice, their wedding! You say they have brushed it off to do with finances and weddings being expensive, weddings do not come cheap, sadly they can’t please everyone,

Guest lists at weddings appear to have changed since I got married when the majority of the guests invited to the ceremony and dinner were family ( even if I hardly knew them,!) with friends and work colleagues just invited to the evening do.

However at the last two weddings I went to in 2019, the majority of the guests were friends and only close family were there, not the long list of rarely seen second cousins that I had to invite! Not many extra guests went for the evening. It changed the whole atmosphere of the wedding, lots more fun, laughter, dancing and partying than I remember at mine - the elderly aunts sat around the dance floor were missing!

My daughter has said that when (if) she gets married, she has no intention of inviting my mad cousin or any relative that she has never seen!

I wonder if this change is partly due to the fact that my wedding was paid for by our parents whereas many couple nowadays fund it mainly themselves as they already live together.

For whatever reason, your children didn't make the priority list. They have been included though with their invitation to the party.

If it is a hassle, I don't think I'd go just for the party. If they do want to go, can they call the cheaper hotel and make their own booking privately, if there are rooms still available?

I get that it might hurt being on the 'B' list but that is how it goes sometimes. There is no obligation for them to attend but, if they do, they'll need to be understanding about the couple's need to prioritise.