Family Wedding Invites

Just because someone is genetically closer in the family tree doesn’t mean they are emotionally close.

Bette when I was married we could not afford to invite ANY of our own cousins to the meal only the reception in the evening. All aunts uncles ( heads of families) our family stretched to afford to pay for dinners. All young ones - the ones WE were closest to - we couldn’t afford to offer a meal to!
So that’s the ONLY reason I’m certain behind this. No offence just financial.

MarathonRunner

OnlyRuth.

"I get that you're disappointed, but you sound very grumpy and critical, and you believe your values to be better than theirs."

Can you stop this now !!!!

Excuse me? "Can you stop this now!!!!"? Do you think you're talking to a five year old?

I read OP's post, she did sound grumpy and critical, and she did sound passive-aggressive about their values compared to hers. So no, I won't stop. I was calmly defending the young couple, if you read my full post. I don't need to have met the OP to pick up on her tone and comment on it.

Frankly I think it’s rubbish that the cousins haven’t been invited…I am with you on this. I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all

My niece is getting married in October. Hopefully. I’ve booked a large Airbnb a couple of miles away from the venue, for my children (her cousins, who are only invited to the night do) and my husband and I ( who are going to the ceremony) so we’re all together for the weekend!

Many of the guests are people whose wedding the bride and groom have attended, and they want to return the compliment; it really is a case of Family Hold Back, particularly with restricted guest lists.

Calendargirl

Reading through all this, I honestly cannot imagine just why nowadays people want big wedding dos.
Many of you are saying how expensive weddings are to hold, not just for the bride and groom, but for any guests attending.

Have a small intimate ‘do’, and use the money saved for something really worthwhile, a honeymoon, deposit for a property, things for said property, instead of wasting it on a huge blown up day, attended by guests who, if B&G are fortunate enough to still be together for their silver wedding, have probably lost touch with most of them.

I’m not sure all who have large parties wanted them. I certainly didn’t, however I was told x, y, z MUST be invited. So many might be like I was a forced into it.

I’m firmly in the camp of the bride and groom should have who they want.

I must admit, I was slightly envious of many Covid brides who were able to have the tiny weddings they wanted without any family push back. They were so happy to have a reason to make it small

Give your opinion without making a personal attack . You dont know the OP , you've never met her .
Pot , kettle , black !!!

OnlyRuth.

"I get that you're disappointed, but you sound very grumpy and critical, and you believe your values to be better than theirs."

Can you stop this now !!!!

Reading through all this, I honestly cannot imagine just why nowadays people want big wedding dos.
Many of you are saying how expensive weddings are to hold, not just for the bride and groom, but for any guests attending.

Have a small intimate ‘do’, and use the money saved for something really worthwhile, a honeymoon, deposit for a property, things for said property, instead of wasting it on a huge blown up day, attended by guests who, if B&G are fortunate enough to still be together for their silver wedding, have probably lost touch with most of them.

No you're not being unreasonable.
But weddings are a minefield and so, so expensive.

The cost of going to a wedding is phenomenal too. Travel and, often, hotel accommodation. New outfits. Presents for the couple. Sometimes, a hen or stag do beforehand as well. Not to mention buying your own drinks at a hotel do. Maybe a taxi.

It cost us £500 in total, recently, to go to a niece's wedding.

I realise this doesn't in any way answer your question but I just thought I'd add it into the mix!

Bette22

Thanks for all your replies , yes I can see I'm being unreasonable. Maybe family means something different to me and I am probably living in the past like you said .
Thanks for helping me to see this .

Remember that her fiance will have cousins too. Maybe more of them than she does. And if all the cousins on both sides are invited it will be impossible for them to afford it, or they might have to leave out friends that they're closer to than some of the cousins.

It's not just about your family, it's about both. And weddings nowadays are more about having just a few people to the ceremony and reception, and more to the evening.

I get that you're disappointed, but you sound very grumpy and critical, and you believe your values to be better than theirs. These days the bride and groom pay their own way when it comes to weddings, unlike when I was young and parents paid. So their budget will be limited. So don't think badly of them. The evening party is the big event, and the cousins are all invited to that.

I sympathise Bette22. I went to my niece's wedding last Friday (my sister's daughter). My two daughters weren't invited but both my brother's sons were there. I recognise that it was up to them who they invited so I didn't mention it to anyone, but it was a bit upsetting for my girls to be excluded when their cousins were invited.

I think that the desire to celebrate the bride and grooms special day as a family, whilst a nice idea is unrealistic with the cost of weddings these days.

Far better the couple cut their cloth to match their purse than start married life in a load of debt.

What a lovely family you have Marathon Runner, you must be very proud !

readsalot The OP wasn't claiming she was "owed". She is saying her feelings were hurt and some of us understand that.

Bette22 I understand where you’re coming from but at least you’ve got an invite. My 2 nephews both got married 3 years ago and my DH’s brother phoned us up all excited to tell us that both his sons were getting married that year within 3 months of each other, telling us the venues etc the way he spoke to myself and DH we naturally presumed we’d be invited to both weddings as we’d always been fairly close. How wrong we were neither us nor my DS and wife were invited to either wedding nor the evenings even though DH’s other DB was invited. We couldn’t understand why he had phoned us to tell us all about the weddings and invited his other brother if we were not to be invited! As you can imagine we were not happy. I’ve only just started speaking to husbands DB but as he did tell my DH it was up to both his sons wives who was invited. I now just think it’s left us freer from family. I didn’t bother with presents for them (obviously they didn’t need one if they didn’t want us there!). Yes I do think families can be funny when it comes to weddings but I have learned a lesson, I will pick and choose who’s family weddings and funerals I choose to go to in the future and who will come to ours events and not worry anymore. Hopefully you will have a lovely day but you may find it will leave your immediate family freer from future events too.

It is a different ball-game nowadays. People don't marry at 20 when family have been their life. By their 30s their friends are much more important. My eldest married 12 years ago and we couldn't invite any cousins or aunts/uncles. The venue wouldn't have accommodated them. I was upset, but I got over it when I saw how much fun it all was. My younger one allowed us a few more rellies cos her hubby had a huge family compared to ours, but by then I realised that most of my cousins probably wouldn't have come anyway. It would have been lovely to have extended the guest list by 30 but it wouldn't have been affordable. I invited some family friends instead. We paid for both weddings, and though it grated a bit we realised it had to be.

Both occasions were fantastic, so enjoy your celebration.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, the same thing happened to us. I couldn’t help feeling annoyed when the cousins weren’t invited.Go and enjoy the day though.

When my son married several years ago, they chose a place near where they lived, miles from our family and hers. The meal was over £100 per head and we are a large family but the bride's is small. They chose who they wanted to be there and also had a separate evening do. People understood and no-one felt second class or B team. You can't claim that you are owed because of things done in the past. If you feel so strongly, then perhaps you shouldn't attend.

Bette22 I must say some of the answers do sound a bit aggressive, biting your head off because you’re feeling a bit miffed. I think it’s because only you know the close relationship you’ve all had and are a bit puzzled why your children are not invited to the whole ceremony.Arranging weddings is quite a traumatic experience and so costly, so I suppose cuts have to be made somewhere, especially if it’s a sit down meal. Be of good cheer and enjoy the day.

It’s really difficult with weddings. They are incredibly expensive and often venues limit the numbers anyway.
But I don’t think you’re being old fashioned at all - this is a family wedding and not a transitory relationship that has died a natural death as everyone grew up. I would also be rather hurt in these circumstances and I can sympathise. We looked after the child of friends for a year whilst the parents were living abroad and our children treated her as their sister and she did likewise. When she got married a few years later and didn’t invite them to any part of the service they were upset. Of course we went anyway to support her but it rather took the shine off the whole relationship. The children had had to share their mum (me) for a whole year when they were at school still so it had been a big deal and we did it for love not for money - but the relationship had obviously meant more to them than it did to her.
You can’t say anything though - what’s done is done and no point in upsetting your niece - so just go and wish them all well and enjoy the event. They almost certainly don’t mean to offend even if they have been a bit thoughtless where your children are concerned. Whether your children attend or not, if they are adults, it is up to them.

It is the couple's choice but personally I think having your family around you is far more important than flashy, expensive wedding venues and ceremonies. I can understand the OP feeling a bit put out but, judging from the comments on here, it is the way of the world now.

I do agree that it is understandable if hardly ever seen relatives are omitted from guest lists, with close friends being given preference, but the OP says her children have had quite a close relationship with their cousins since childhood.

JadeOlivia, what a really good idea about Airbnb and brunch, etc. That could work very well indeed. There is often a way! ???

I understand how you feel. Logically it shouldn’t matter that your children, who grew up with their cousin, haven’t been invited to the marriage service but emotionally you feel very upset. Quite understandable. My cousin invited us to the afternoon meal at her wedding, ie the main and very expensive meal, but not to the marriage service which was held in the same hotel, an hour earlier in the day with about 60% of the guests attending it. I had thought that we were long term friends but clearly we were not important enough to go to the marriage ceremony itself. At the meal, an hour later, half our table had attended the service and said it was sublime, spiritual and amazing!

I was very hurt, although I had wanted to be grown up and I know that people can invite exactly who they want to all or part of a wedding, it actually upset me. If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t go to the wedding meal at all but would have made a diplomatic excuse and invited them to a lovely dinner with us and our immediate family on their return from their honeymoon.

Logic doesn’t always win out over emotion! Don’t feel bad about it, and please don’t let the replies from some people here upset you. ???