AIBU to find my daughters in-laws rude

Grandmabatty

Yet again this is a thread where the original poster doesn't return. I find it quite rude that lots of people offer suggestions which are not acknowledged.

I rarely, if ever, respond to a poster whose name I don't recognise and comes along with a far-fetched family scenario!

Too many of them lately.

I suspect locking the door wouldn't make very much difference. If they knock and you open the door they will probably just march straight in without asking if it's convenient anyway. They are rude, thoughtless people and it's something that needs to be discussed with your daughter first to see what your son-in-laws opinion is.
I'd never go into my daughters' houses without knocking let alone anyone else's.

Some people really don't understand the need for privacy and their own family probably do things differently to yours and may not pick up on the tense vibes or polite suggestions! If you can explain to both your dd and sil its causing you stress and can you all come up with a plan whilst they are living with you. Sometimes these kind of issues cause more upsets than they need to. So be clear and simple with the rules of the house especially with sil as he may slide unintentionally of hurting your feeling but be just excited to see his family.

Yet again this is a thread where the original poster doesn't return. I find it quite rude that lots of people offer suggestions which are not acknowledged.

Explain to DD and SIL that it us your house and would they mind speaking with his parents about it. Its extremely disrespectful and rude to enter any ones home without knocking and being greeted in. Lock door. They may also be finding it difficult that you see grandchildren every day and they don't. Xxx

I am unsure as to why they 'had' to move in with you. It indicates a problem on one side or another.
If you needed them to move in with you (care, or finance issues?) I can see why s-i-l's parents may see it as 'his' home which they treat the way I presume they treated his previous home.
If your daughter & family needed to move in with you (housing or finance problems?) then his family may be embarrassed that they weren't able to offer such help - or annoyed that you were chosen instead of them - and expressing it by behaving this way.
I do agree that you need to be clear, but IMHO you need to begin from where they, and your daughter's family see the relationship.

Just after the birth of her first child, my beloved s-i-l was in effect, a refugee, parted from her husband, with no access to his money. For various reasons, she came to me rather than her parents. They then began turning up ininvited (though not actually walking in!) and expecting arrangements to suit them. Everyone was so upset, I decided to say nothing until she was sorted. As soon as she got her own home, their visits to us became much more 'normal': arranged in advance and to suit me. I think their behaviour was both because they were upset, and the way they would behave in their daughter's home.

I am in accord with Chiatriona. A really helpful way of going about trying to resolve the issues. I’d also add that if SIL’s parents are keen to see the GC’s and to be involved in their lives then that is going to help share the load for you as they will hopefully be keen that they visit them in their own home.

I'm not 100% sure if I'd call their behaviour 'rude', as such.

That would depend on what your DD and DSIL have said to them about visiting your home. THEY may have given them the impression than they are very welcome to just 'turn up whenever'.

Speak to your daughter FIRST on her own to try to find out. The last thing you want to do is to start an 'In-laws Feud', especially if they've been given a different impression.

When my ex-oh and I first got married (early 70's), we lived with his parents for the first four years of our married life - which was very often the 'way things were done', back then.

As they lived in what was then known as a '1940's Council Parlour House', we had 'the parlour' as our own private living space - so I guess we were extremely fortunate. We waited 4 years until our names came to the top of the waiting list, and in that time I had given birth to our eldest child.

I always double-checked with them if it was ok for me to have any of MY family/friends to visit - but I guess that was just the way that I was brought up. I was also very careful to make sure that none of my visitors had any impact, whatsoever, on my in-laws lives - noise, mess etc.

Do you have a 'space' that your daughter and sil can have for their own personal use/privacy?

DEFINITELY time to lock that front door - tell them there's been a message from the Community Police about a spate of 'opportunist burglaries' in the neighbourhood, where thieves have been trying door handles, on the 'off-chance' that they'll come across an unlocked door for easy pickings!

Would you consider changing your front door lock to one that automatically locks when it's been closed? That's what mine does.

I don't remember reading how long this 'temporary housing situation' is intended to last. Is it:
- until they manage to get a house deposit together
- until they manage to find somewhere new to live in
- until they get one of the children settled into a school in a particular 'catchment area'
- OR 'until the cows come home' ?

Tell them where to get off. And tell your daughter and their husband that this is something you will not tolerate any longer. I have keys to my sons' houses but I would never just use them. I have them for emergencies only, just as they have ours.

Also the ‘through my home’ seems to be an issue. Could you all agree that one room, lounge, kitchen, sitting room or conservatory, whichever is least disruptive for you, is to be ‘visitors’ room? Then they can see DGC, without you being there too, and they are not invading your space. Better still, encourage D and SiL to meet them elsewhere.

You don’t say how long your D, SiL and GC have been living with you, and I think the longer time passes, the more difficult setting boundaries is going to be. However, you are clearly upset by the behaviour of your SiL’s parents, so you really do need to clear the air.

Locking your door would be a start, but in truth you really do need to speak to your D and SiL about how you feel and what you want going forward. It’s your home, not theirs, so they need to follow your boundaries.

I don’t know what sort of relationship you have with SiL’s parents, but would it be possible to broach the subject with them, explaining that you find them just walking in whenever it suits them doesn’t actually suit you, and to save any awkwardness, could they let you know beforehand when they plan to call round so that you can say whether that time is convenient to you or not and make sure that the door isn’t locked when they are due - bring in at this point that you are going to start locking the door for safety, as there are opportunists always on the look out for chances to get in through unlocked doors even when people are at home. (This does happen, so you wouldn’t be telling an untruth).

Good luck, you need to do this, as it’s obviously upsetting you, and a compromise needs to be reached that makes you happy, rather than feeling as if it’s you who is the guest in your own home, not them. Don’t do it alone, either. Involve your DH when speaking to them - you two need to be in agreement over this so that they see it’s a united front.

Gradmagrim - you say 'compromise on both sides regarding space and property' - surely your dil's parents' visits are part of the compromise - you can say to her that you are very happy for them to visit BUT that they need to do this by arrangement as you find it completely overwhelming to have your house inhabited by ten people so frequently and without any warning. You are NOT being unreasonable because this is an invasion of your privacy the protection of which was one of your conditions of acceptance of the initial arrangement. You must keep your doors closed and you don't have to justify that to anybody as it's your house but it's safe to do that anyway. And gentle comments pointing like "Oh I guess you'll want to do x your own way when you're in your own place" will serve to remind your dil that you are the person doing them a favour right now.

Very rude...lock the door..it's your house

On first reading I thought you had your work cut out with several rude daughters in law, but then I saw what you meant!

I’m wondering if your son in law has maybe given his parents a spare set of house keys as presumably they were in the habit of just wandering in when they had their own home?

It must be stressful enough for you having them all there living with you (are they having a house built ?) let alone the other parents treating your home like their own.

What a nightmare.

They have forgotten their manners, your house, your rules!

Could one of you emerge from the bathroom naked and make the point that way?

Seriously, they are not respecting boundaries YANBU

Goodness Me how rude.Its Your home and boundaries need to be set.You are already dealing with the addition of 6 people moving into Your home regardless of them being family.
Be assertive and start as you mean to go on.

Take care

I grew up with doors open, but even then, everyone, and I do mean everyone, would knock first.
never had a problem

then of course, times have changed, until fairly recently our doors have always been open, but no one has ever just walked in.
Sharing is very difficult.. being recently, well fairly recently , living on my own for the first time in my life, I often "dream" of someone living with me, or me living with them, but I just know it would not work.. if it had to be,, well, I would ensure clear understandings, my home, my rules?

so I have two grown up sons, 4 gks, and 2 very close friends, all have a key, (just in case) not one of them uses the key!
everyone one knocks and waits,, as I do when visiting their homes,,, knock and wait, and I would consider us to be a close family.

manners? well !!!!

Amber one. Yes people leave front doors wide open. In our cul de sac, one such neighbour does this. But it's more about waylaying her neighbours. She cant rush out so quick, if its closed. We find her nosey, and irritating, but theres one in every community

As a side issue, and as someone who also had to read the title twice, I find it interesting that in the thousands of years since marriage began, we haven't come up with a specific name for our children's in-laws!

Amberone

^Does anyone leave their door unlocked ? ^

Strange as it may seem, we do. Most of my family do. We even went away on holiday once and forgot to lock the doors. We don't live in the middle of an area with loads of crime though. We did have a spate of having cars stolen off the drive (not ours, thankfully) but our doors and windows are often open.

My family always left the door open when I was young and we had 2 neighbours who would walk in. One always called out 'yoohoo' as she did so the other just 'hello it's me'. When my children were younger we had a door that could be put on the latch so we did that if they were playing outside. Since then in my current home you can't leave the front door unlocked and I only leave the back doors unlocked if I want the doors open or am going in and out repeatedly. I think times have changed since my childhood.

After my ex and I split up my ex still had a key to the house. He used to come over to see my DS and used to just walk in. In the end I had to ask for him to return the key and ring the bell as I felt it was an invasion of privacy even though he still half owned the house. I also found out he'd had an estate agent round to value the house when I was away on holiday! I was particularly upset by that as I'd left the house in a bit of a state in my haste to leave.

Definitely need to lock the door and insist on visits being by prior arrangement.

Gosh. Explain your making some healthy boundaries as your upset . This consists of set days and times and knocking.
Good luck

I don’t think it is really about locks but about the other grandparents feeling they have the right to come into your house whenever they want to. They may not be intending to be rude. They may just have a different way of living from you. Did you all get on well before? Were they used to going in and out of your daughter’s house like this? We see lots of posts here from the parents of sons saying they feel left out compared to the daughter in law’s parents. Do you think the other grandparents may be afraid of missing out now or are they just a very, relaxed informal family? Are they pleasant and friendly to you while they are in your house? Try to put the best construction on it that you can. But I would feel unhappy if I were in your shoes. You have a right to be comfortable in your own house. Definitely talking to your children about it is the best way forward. I hope you will work it out without any unpleasantness. The more love and friendship we have in our family circle the richer we are for it, particularly the children. You are doing so well taking your family in like this. Quite a challenge. Well done and good luck.

Agree with others; I would also lock the door. In today’s society it could be anyone walking in not just your daughters in laws

We had something similar back in 2004. Relatives came to stay for a few months. We could have killed them by the time they left! It was my sister, husband and 2 young kids who ran in and out, bare footed and didn't bother wiping feet. Take food into the sitting room we gave them, spilt it on floor, never bothered etc. It was only when there was a bang upstairs (my cat) when sister passed comment about my wellies going up the stairs, I snapped back about her families lack of manners! I must say that the carpet was spotless within the next few hours! - we have a rule here now, KNOCK before entering. Mainly so that the dogs don't fly at you! Basic manners! Sorry folks, but I am old school! I'm also 47! It's how I was brought up!