Is fifty years not enough?

My ex husband managed to send me a birthday card for our '15th anniversary. I got 16 red roses for our 16 th anniversary.

Well, I have long since come to terms with the fact that if I want to celebrate my birthday, our wedding anniversary, DH's birthday , our son and DIl's ditto and Christmas and Easter then I jolly well get on and do so.

Fifty years of marriage is surely long enough to realise that you, like most of us, have married a man who has no idea when your birthday is, how old you are, when his own birthday is, or how long you have been married.

I know the disappointment of looking forward to a special day and then realising that DH has no idea that it means something to me, but why make life harder for myself by resenting this? Admittedly, it took me a long while to reason in this way, but it has made life easier.

Congratulations on your Golden wedding, but please do not tell your husband you sent his present back to the shop because he hadn't bought you anything but a card. I assure you, you will not feel better about it, if you tell him that.

DC64 I think some women are obviously wired differently to other women as well.

I don't give a fig about cards and gifts.

This is what happened to my father-in-law. For their Ruby anniversary, he went to a huge amount of trouble (and expense) to get my MinL a beautiful gift which he thought she should appreciate. It was part of a collection she was collecting. It was also tailored to be relevant to 40 years. She barely even looked at it and I will never the forget the hurt in his eyes. I don't think he bothered again.

I agree with you although he is not being different to how he usually is. Still a little surprise wouldn’t have hurt.

I think men are just wired differently to women - sometimes it needs spelling out in black and white for them!

Quizzer, YABU! He doesn't 'do' special occasions and presents - so what? It's far more important that he's good on all the other days, surely?

I’m sorry you felt hurt. Firstly, Congratulations on 50 years of marriage. How you feel here is all that really matters, not what other people feel about presents, celebrations etc. Ask yourself though, do you think he wanted to be hurtful or uncaring? Deep down you know he didn’t.. Could you tell him exactly how it made you feel, without anger or accusation, and ask yourself , if you know what he is like why did you not tell him in advance? Was it a test you set him? I’m not blaming you, it’s the kind of thing People do. He’s never going to change of his own accord so can you change your way of acting . Rather than being hurt and annoyed, which probably leaves him wondering what he has done as you never told him how his lack of thought made you feel, tell him up front how his actions make you feel. It is better to say how something makes you feel than to complain about something not being done. He will get defensive if you give out that he didn’t buy you a present but if you say how hurt you were that you felt unappreciated, that’s different, I sure he doesn’t want to hurt you. It really is not lack of caring that made him let you down (or if it was that’s a whole different story) ) rather, lack of understanding that something that didn’t mean much to him meant so much to you. Not only regarding gifts etc but life in general. So meanwhile, go and treat yourself, after 50 years of marriage, no matter how wonderful, you deserve it!

I’m sure it’s already been said, but it never fails to astound me, just how much emphasis people put on presents etc. We both came from families that did the dutiful thing, and it put us off. We both hate getting presents. Cards are quite nice as keepsakes, but eventually they all end up in the bin!

I would focus on the long happy? marriage, and that you have each other. Surely after 50 years, there’s nothing left to buy?

I wouldn't have expected anything but would have given my "special gift" as I bought it believing he would be happy to have it.
I don't understand the idea of trying to change things after 50 years. If you have had 50 good years, something is working.

I love my husband. We have been lucky to be married a long time and still have love and laughter. This is our gift to each other.

I think I would have been open and said that our golden is coming up, I would really like to do something to mark it - what do you think?

We had talked about our 40th and organised a lovely day for everyone. We would have talked about the 50th I know, but sadly he died a few months before.

Chardy

For doing the washing, making dinners, running a home for 50 years, for possibly picking up underwear off the floor, raising children, maybe while doing a full-time job - yes I think a small present is not too much to ask.

That is a completely judgemental post. Has the husband contributed nothing?

I wouldn't have expected him to do anything different if that's how he's always been. People show their love and appreciation in different ways. I think I might have given him the present. Not sure..

Chardy .........well said!

welbeck

see poet Henry Normal, scroll forward to 26 minutes,
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m000sj8s

Thank you for this.........very touching words

For doing the washing, making dinners, running a home for 50 years, for possibly picking up underwear off the floor, raising children, maybe while doing a full-time job - yes I think a small present is not too much to ask.

exactly Poppyred.

Does he love and appreciate you on a daily basis? If so then that’s more than enough! Men don’t on the whole measure love by special days ….. and neither should we in the grand scheme of things.

If he has made you happy over the years then what more could you ask for?

You can be very lonely in a relationship.

see poet Henry Normal, scroll forward to 26 minutes,
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m000sj8s

i agree with Jezra.
you can decide to feel offended or slighted etc.
or you can decide to be grateful to have a life's companion still after 50 years.
many, most of us are not so lucky.

Unless your DH is ‘on the spectrum’ and just doesn’t get important things like Golden Wedding Anniversaries

I think I must be 'on the spectrum' then. I've never really understood the need to send each other cards and presents on a regular basis - we barely remember birthdays let alone anniversaries and haven't been interested in Valentine's Day for about forty years. (I mean our birthdays - we do send cards to other people.) Like some others we have perpetual Christmas cards that we like. We buy a pressie if we see something we think would be enjoyed and appreciated. We celebrate births/marriages/promotions/achievements/other good things that happen but it's been many years since we bothered about birthdays or anniversaries. I'm sure that sounds odd to many but it suits us.

It's a shamehe didn't change the habits of a life time for your Golden Wedding
Quizzer but your 50 years together must count for something. Talk to him and tell him how disappointed you were maybe you could arrange to do something nice together.
I have to confess here that I'm the one who forgets anniversaries in out house my husband usually remembers

Well if you’ve had a good marriage that’s the main thing isn’t it? My SIL and BIL organised a huge party for their golden wedding, fine speeches about their devotion etc etc.
Every single time we see them they each moan, he about her when she goes out of the room, her about him. We got so sick of it that we only see them when we have to.
Many people like to make a show but honestly if he’s been a good, loving husband to you that’s the important thing.

He's supposed to think it all by himself.
It's not the same if you have to remind someone to remember to surprise you.