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Is fifty years not enough?

(117 Posts)
Quizzer Sun 19-Sep-21 14:43:58

Am I being unreasonable to expect my husband to mark our Golden Wedding in some way. We are comfortably off but he has never been good at buying presents usually saying “you buy something for yourself”. However I had hoped that on this special occasion he might make the effort. He did buy a card, but an ordinary anniversary card not one for a golden wedding. That was it, nothing else.
I had bought him an expensive special present that I knew he had admired but when I received nothing that day, not even a bunch of supermarket flowers, I didn’t give it to him and have since returned it to the shop. Maybe not the right thing to do, perhaps I should have embarrassed him by giving it. It just makes me feel unappreciated.

GagaJo Sun 19-Sep-21 14:49:49

I'd drop into a conversation later, oh btw, I got you X but since you weren't bothered about our anniversary, I've taken it back.

BlueBelle Sun 19-Sep-21 14:54:50

I think most men (not all) do not put the same emphasis on cards and presents and year markers and if he’s never done it before then I think you were over expecting, although it’s a very special milestone and one to be congratulated on
I think you were lucky getting a card to be honest
If he s been a good husband and a good provider I think that’s all you can dwell on and be glad
Surprised you took his present back to the shop I thought it was about giving not ‘giving only if they give me’?

I d thank your lucky stars you had a good bloke for such a long time …..many of us didn’t

justwokeup Sun 19-Sep-21 14:57:26

Did he know it was 50 years? Agree with GagaJo, tell him what you bought and why you returned it, if it’s not so long ago that it’s too late, otherwise he won’t know that it upset you. Maybe have a special trip out as a belated celebration?

Baggs Sun 19-Sep-21 14:59:48

I think expecting him to behave differently from how he has always behaved is a tad unreasonable however reasonable your wish for a present chosen and given by him.

Just buy yourself the kind of thing you wish he'd got you and tell him you bought it to mark your anniversary.

He is who he is and you've known him a long time. It's a shame you're upset.

MissAdventure Sun 19-Sep-21 15:00:49

I'd probably be the same as your husband, I expect.
I just don't think to buy cards and things for special days.
To me, a card doesn't signify anything, but the fact that you've been together for so long is proof enough that you're loved.

kittylester Sun 19-Sep-21 15:04:40

Following Baggs' comment, knowing what he is like, I would have suggested that you both choose something lovely for the house or go on a special trip.

I think expecting him to change after all this time is a bit pointless.

Irritating and hurtful if friends have been spoilt.

Alternatively, you could spend the money for his present on something for you.

JaneJudge Sun 19-Sep-21 15:08:24

It's not really that difficult to organise a bunch of flowers and a bottle of fizz or to book a table in the pub/restaurant, is it?

Witzend Sun 19-Sep-21 15:10:31

Well, I’d be peeved too, OP.
I wouldn’t expect a special present, but I would expect a card, probably a 50th one, though TBH any nice one would probably do, and a bunch of flowers.

I wouldn’t buy a big present for dh, but def. a card and some favourite chocolate.

I’d certainly be inclined to tell your dh that you’ve sent his special present back, since he evidently couldn’t be bothered even to get you a bunch of flowers.

Juliet27 Sun 19-Sep-21 15:14:16

We’ve recently ‘done’ 50 years but neither of us gave each other even a card as nothing felt particularly special about the day or the marriage. If I’d received a present I’d have been in shock. If I’d given a present I know he’d not have felt embarrassment.

MerylStreep Sun 19-Sep-21 15:20:57

Has he treated you with love and kindness for the past 50 years? That would be all that mattered to me.
If he hadn’t, that’s a different matter.
I know that my OH would go right over the top but he knows I’m not one for all that show.
Although I did like the car he bought me one Valentine’s Day, complete with red ribbon wrapping. ?

Baggs Sun 19-Sep-21 15:33:48


It's not really that difficult to organise a bunch of flowers and a bottle of fizz or to book a table in the pub/restaurant, is it?

True. So the wife could have organised it.

Parky Sun 19-Sep-21 15:43:12

We celebrated our 50th in May. I instigated the conversation re celebrations and we agreed to have a 3 night break, which I booked. Exchanged cards but decided no presents. Why should the poor guy have to make the effort, marriage is a partnership. Hopefully the marriage has been good with romantic moments at times.

Kim19 Sun 19-Sep-21 15:48:47 glad you returned your 'gift' without him knowing. Kind of conditional, wasn't it? Not much joy in that for a either of you.

Elizabeth1 Sun 19-Sep-21 15:49:05

My 50th passed with a joint celebration in church and a couple of overnight stays in a nice hotel with families staying over too. My dh treated me to a suite, now I’m forever spoiled we’ve always treated each other to something nice but in joint discussion. I always tell him not to buy me anything for Valentine’s Day cause I think it’s a real con everything so overpriced
50yrs itself is a fabulous achievement keep going, fingers crossed your health keeps good and carry on with what makes it work flowers

Deedaa Sun 19-Sep-21 15:50:10

DH died a month before our 49th so we missed the Golden Wedding but his attitude to celebrations is summed up by one of my birthdays - DH "When is your birthday?"
ME "Last week"!

Greyduster Sun 19-Sep-21 16:01:34

We had done the gold thing as presents to each other on our fortieth anniversary, so, as neither of us could think of anything that would top it, we decided to do a joint present and treat ourselves to a couple of nice watercolours we had our eye on, and a weekend in a very nice hotel in Norfolk. DH is not very good at buying presents, and I’m going the same way. You simply run out of ideas!

Oopsadaisy1 Sun 19-Sep-21 16:01:40

DH has never been one for giving cards, our 50th this year was no exception. It doesn’t bother me particularly as he’s always been the same and TBH I wouldn’t have a clue what to buy him for a gift so we don’t bother with presents either.
But he does buy me Birthday Presents and a card and also Christmas presents, we have Christmas cards that we gave each other over 40 yrs ago and we bring them out each year and put the new date on them and an extra x.

Jaxjacky Sun 19-Sep-21 16:04:54

Yes Quizzer I’d have been disappointed, but as that’s been both of your expectation over the years, maybe not such a surprise for you.
We go out at least on our anniversary, every year is precious.

DanniRae Sun 19-Sep-21 16:05:02

Here's some flowers Quizzer from me flowers

BlueBelle Sun 19-Sep-21 16:06:39

Deedan ???love that
much too much made of cards and presents in my opinion …. now a nice meal out or better still a weekend away would have been good but to expect someone to do it on one particular anniversary whose not ever shown signs of doing it before is a bit of a high expectation in my opinion

silverlining48 Sun 19-Sep-21 16:14:58

We had our golden a couple of years ago. No gifts but think cards were exchanged. I organised a small garden get together with good friends and ac. Luckily the sun shone as it had done 50 years earlier. We soldier on....hmm

silverlining48 Sun 19-Sep-21 16:18:35

Quizzer. Congratulations. 50 is an achievement.
Oops I really like the idea of the perpetual cards.

Sweetpeasue Sun 19-Sep-21 16:29:45

Oh I'm so sorry Quizzer. My husband isn't great with gifts (nose hair trimmer---and it's NOT funny, well maybe a little) Think I'd be upset though too.
My son missed my birthday last week!

Nannarose Sun 19-Sep-21 16:33:16

I would just ask 'how is he in your everyday life?'.
If he is thoughtful and caring, then I wouldn't worry about anniversaries & birthdays (that's my life). Special gifts are thought about & planned for, and are given at appropriate times, not 'saved up' for 'occasions'.
But I suspect you aren't happy otherwise, or honestly, like me, you'd barely notice.
The only time I really notice is when one particular friend, who likes to make a fuss of birthdays expresses surprise!
I hope you can find some happiness in your relationship.