Selfish MIL

It's obvious to me, that you miss your own family who live at a distance now. You find it hard to understand her way of thinking about family ties. Your family would argue it out but still feel bonded. Your h and fil will not upset the status quo in case they upset her and estrangement happens. So you are boxed in a corner trying to gain solid family interactions. I am not a counsellor, but mil wields a lot of control regarding interactions within the family. Save yourself by looking at the situation objectively. Maybe chat to a counsellor about your need to keep the relationships all good, and doing it by yourself with no obvious support from h and FIL.

you are not being reasonable.
you are trying to make her responsible for how you feel and for how you use your time.
but you are an adult.
you choose how much you have to do with her, and on what terms.
you don't have to wait for her to behave differently.
you can limit your interactions with her.
she has no obligation to share in bringing up your children.
i think you have to draw your own boundaries.
it;s pointless to bemoan that she does not have the right attitude towards you and your husband, ie not do enough.
if you feel it is unbalanced, then balance it by standing back, reclaim your time and emotional energy.
it's no good looking for a showdown with her; do you really think she will see the error of her ways and change.
i think you've got a bit muddled up in your dealings with her.

You have a you problem

If you think this is a good relationship- please reassess your definition because clearly this is not a healthy and recommendable relationship to have in your lives

I think you need to change your expectations of yourself and of her.

You do not have to make it up to her if you haven't been available when she wanted you. You don't have to spend any time with her at all that you don't freely want to.

She can say no to childcare. She can move overseas. None of that is wrong or selfish.

I suggest accepting the relationship for what it is and stop wishing for something different. Set your own availability and boundaries and don't worry about how she reacts. In the end, her son is responsible for maintaining a relationship with her, not you. If he doesn't, not your problem.

Marcheline

Honestly, I think you need to lower your expectations because she is not capable of giving back in the relationship.

You run around after her but your husband doesn't, your BIL doesn't, they have long since found ways to protect themselves from her behaviour whether they are doing it consciously or unconsciously.

She is winning here, she has you wrapped around her finger and you exist solely at her pleasure in her mind.

I can even see how conflicted you are in your OP that you don't want to be unkind but her behaviour is hurting you.

It's time to take your life back. Spend more of it with people who care about you as much as you do for them.

But what is she asking you to do that you don't want to? You may not need her for childcare, but as you have no friends or family nearby, it does sound as though you are glad of her company, which is lovely, but it doesn't make her selfish if she is not always available.

Emigrating when your children were small isn't selfish either - presumably that was when her own children had grown up and she was able to please herself, just as you will be able to do when yours have grown.

I don't know what you want us to say, really. You haven't said what she has done that is 'selfish', other than not to look after your children when you want her to. You enjoy her company, yet say you should ignore her calls (and people on here are agreeing with you, which I don't understand either). I'm a bit lost, to be honest - I can't see what she has done wrong.

Yes

Sorry, but I'm confused.

Did she emigrate then return again?

There's no need for the sarcastic tone there Callistemon. She is entitled to live her own life, no doubt. However, i do not think she is entitled to expect me to dance to her tune, if she is unprepared to help us out in turn.

I enjoy her company because she is a good laugh and we do get on well. However, at the same time she can be selfish and unthinking.

I am not saying I'm a saint, but I'm not the one dealing with various estrangements like she is. Maybe she needs to look at what she is doing that drives people away!

when i really needed her help and support (when the children were small) she upped sticks and moved to the other side of the world.
How selfish is that, that she wanted to live her own life!!
Shocking.

So she's selfish, moody and sullen, She lives in a fantasy land where she is the centre of the universe and no-one else matters
But you are good friends and get on well

You must be a saint.

Thank you for your responses. Doodledog, when i really needed her help and support (when the children were small) she upped sticks and moved to the other side of the world. Our children are now older and as a result they are more independent, so i do not "need them" for anything other than the fact i generally enjoy her company.

My husband has said that i should ignore their phone calls because they are only going to want something! But to me, that is not right...they are family. Maybe it is because of the way i was brought up. My MIL is estra ged from her brother, sister and own mother before she died. So her family is very disjointed, whereas mine is very big and argumentative, but everyone settles down quickly and gets on again. Maybe it is just a difference in communication style. Its very frustrating.

It's not easy to tell from your posts, as obviously we are getting your point of view and not your MIL's, but if you try to see it from her side for a minute, this jumps out - my family live far away and I have no family of my own locally and only a few friends here. I feel as though its important that we have a good relationship From that, it does sound as though you need her, too.

I agree with the others that refusing a regular childcare commitment is not unreasonable (and her reason for doing so is not important - it is her time, and she doesn't really need to give a reason for saying no). Other than that, you haven't said what it is that she isn't doing or that you find selfish.

Her way of dealing with things would annoy me too - I much prefer to deal with things upfront than to sulk - but in the past a lot of women were brought up to be passive aggressive rather than to speak out, and it might be the only way she knows to set boundaries of her own.

Maybe it's more of a difference of communication style, rather than that she is being selfish? If you approach it from that POV you might feel less resentful.

A good relationship is one that works for and benefits both parties.

I had to stand my ground in similar circumstances many years ago, and I'm glad I did. If you don't, things will only get worse as your mother-in-law gets older.
Remember she needs you more than you need her. The future power is yours. You don't have to fall out, just be firm and confident .

Trust me, she'll respect you for it once she gets over the shock!

‘But my husband tells me that if he or his dad ever argued with her, she wouldnt talk to them for weeks at a time! I find that unbelievable.’ This is a feature of coercive control.

There is an easy answer to this OP stop running around after her.
If you can do something when you are not busy fine
You are enabling her bad behaviour if she gets moody she will just have to get over it

Marcheline

V3ra...if it wasnt for me, we would see them for maybe 1 hour once a fortnight. And i would probably still have to remind my husband to visit. He doesnt run round after them, no. But my family live far away and I have no family of my own locally and only a few friends here. I feel as though its important that we have a good relationship, but it seems one sided at the moment.

Sounds like it’s time to go to that model. Stop making plans

V3ra...if it wasnt for me, we would see them for maybe 1 hour once a fortnight. And i would probably still have to remind my husband to visit. He doesnt run round after them, no. But my family live far away and I have no family of my own locally and only a few friends here. I feel as though its important that we have a good relationship, but it seems one sided at the moment.

I would dig my heels in and be "busy" a bit more, if I was you.
It doesnt seem as if a frank talk is the way to go.

Is it always you doing the running around after her Marcheline?
Or does your husband do it as well?

I agree she can say no to childcare NotSpaghetti and there would be no issue if it wasnt for the fact that she is then unreasonable if I am busy when she wants me!

By me...yes. I have let go of selfish stuff she did that hurt me at the time, so that the family dynamic wasnt upset. Also, my FIL does not like confrontation (and nor does my husband) so they will not argue with her. I am actually quite an argumentative, outspoken person by nature, but i do not let this side come to the fore with my MIL because i dont want to make things difficult for my husband.

In my family when i was growing up, we would have a good old barney, all say our piece and thatd be the end of it. But my husband tells me that if he or his dad ever argued with her, she wouldnt talk to them for weeks at a time! I find that unbelievable.

So i think that we have all enabled her to a degree, but i do not want to cut her off. I would rather have it out with her, but i know it wouldnt go down well.

My husband's brother and grandkids see her once in a blue moon and my BIL has told me it's because of how selfish she is. I have obviously not mentioned my thoughts on her to my BIL wland he said it to me unprompted.

I think she can say no to childcare personally. One hour after school is really the afternoon/early evening anyway in terms of doing anything else. Two hours together is obviously easier but childcare is an extra. Don’t just expect it.

Is this the main issue with her?

It's not at all unreasonable to expect a bit of give and take.
She seems ok on the taking side of things.
Has she always been pandered to?