Adult son won’t leave home

My husbands nephew was in his 39s when he left home, although at that point he had a girlfriend who shared his room. Eventually they decided they were able to have their own rental and moved out
My own husband was in his fifties when we married and he was still living at home... Possibly once he sees he can afford a place of his own perhaps he could kind of do a gradual move, if the rental allows this, you know like paint a room here, gradually move in things from his room, like a toe by toe thing.. Once he begins to actually enjoy being there... He may move in full time...

MerylStreep

I don’t think the OP is watching.
*She last posted on 4th October 2021*

I hate it when we don't hear anything more. It's like we're just hanging there, waiting to see what happened!

I don’t think the OP is watching.
She last posted on 4th October 2021

It seems as if the real problem here is the OP’s concern and desire for her son to be leading a more active and sociable life. If he suffers from depression and anxiety then that may be why he is living as he is at the moment rather than simply because he chooses to. If it were my son, I would want to make sure he was well and safe whilst at the same time encouraging him to seek help and gradually enabling him to live a more independent life. Having said that I feel her son should be paying his way fully at home - if he is capable of working full time then he should be. He is no longer a teenager locking himself away in his room. The OP is enabling him to do this in some respects by not expecting him to contribute fully to the household. Some have mentioned that they either do not charge rent and board because they know their AC is saving for a deposit or they keep the rent and give it back when they move out. It doesn’t sound as if this is what this young man is intending to do though. I think the OP need to try and talk properly to her son ( if she hasn’t already tried to so so) and gauge whether he still needs support at hone or just needs encouragement to get out there and live his life. Not easy as I know I have ‘helicoptered’ my own children in the past and not sure it was always the right thing to do.

deadlines come and go because you don't enforce them!

First of all, why do you want him to go ?
He is absolutely right when he says that it is really difficult to find affordable places to rent, especially if he is only working part time.
Social housing will not really be available as being single he would be down on the priority list and anyway, he would probably have to be classed as homeless anyway.
Is there any way he can up his hours at work or even get a second job? Is he claiming all the benefits that he is entitled to ?
First port of call for his mental health problems would be his GP , but you could always try contacting MIND and I am sure they will be happy to support both of you.

Last summer I bought myself a PS5 so I could try to keep up with my four grandsons. They play Rocket League, Fortnight and Minecraft, but I love Horizon Zero Dawn. Now I understand how frustrating it is to be told to “turn it off” when you are in the middle of something! So pleased I gave it a go!

Why don't you look at house shares in your area, and show them to him?
If you both look you may be able to find a place with like-minded people, so he could start to socialise with them!
I take it you live in a 2 bed property and that you'd really like the other bedroom to be used as an occasional stop over by the grandchildren, which I think is fair, but do you own or rent your home?
If you rent, could/would you consider moving at all, maybe closer to daughter?
Have you asked your daughter for help on getting your son moved out?
I understand the anxieties & depression, but I also think he has made himself far too comfortable at home, with your help, so much so that he really does not want to move out!!
In which case, you have to make it less uncomfortable for him so try limiting the Internet, tell him he has to socialise more & pull him out of his room - being in his room so much is definitely NOT helping his depression!!!!

GagaJo good times

OP does your son pay for his own internet supply? If not, then I would suggest changing the password, and telling him that he needs to get his own. I would also insist that as it's just the 2 of you living in the house, that he pays half of all household bills. If you rent, he must pay half the rent, half the gas, electric, water, council tax, etc. If he says he can't afford it, then tell him that he is now of an age where you no longer have a responsibility to pay for the roof over his head, and therefore he must get a job that pays enough for him to pay half of the living costs. If he refuses, then tell him that you are giving him 2 months (or whatever your feel is reasonable) notice, to find himself other accommodation, and MEAN it!! Tell him that if he can't pay his own way then you'll be getting a lodger in who will. Maybe even go so far as to ask your daughter if she has some mates who would be willing to pretend to be looking at the property as 'prospective lodgers'. Do it while he's there, and introduce them as such. Maybe that will be enough to get him to pull his finger out.

I think the fact that people marry much later has a lot to do with it. 40 years ago sons and daughters were likely to marry in their early to mid twenties, having obtained a mortgage and bought a house first. That sort of forced a natural end to living at home.
But of course people also started working much earlier, so were in a position to buy a house when quite young.

The world has changed a lot.

Before covid, I have seen 18 year olds leave home as au pairs to start a new life

Neen

P.s I personally left home aged 16 and went to have live in work in The Savoy as a chambermaid. But that was 1983 and things have changed

Me too. Ran away to London as live-in 'help'. Sounds awful. But it was on The Kings Road in Chelsea, by Sloane Square. Fab!

Maryrose

Sorry to hear about your son.

The truth is: roommate life is hard for anybody, with or without anxiety.

He has to learn to manage and cope with his condition by himself.

Sheltering him from himself only makes matters worse.

My son is in his 30s and lives with us. He suffers with anxiety and low esteem and currently has a full time job. He pays us rent every month, even when he wasn't working. I do his washing and ironing when I do ours, but he cleans his own room and does all the washing up. I do worry for him but can imagine that putting him under pressure to move out will only increase his mental health issues. When he was younger he went to University, where he managed well looking after himself, although flat sharing was very hard for him as he found it difficult dealing with housemates lifestyles. I'm just hoping that one day he will decide for himself that he is ready to go.

Only one of ours boomeranged back for less than a month.
The others stayed longer and repeated the process!

Beswitched

I think a lot of people in their twenties boomerang nowadays - go away to university, move back h for a while, start earning better money and move out, decide to do some further study and move back in, get a job and move back out, move back home to save for a deposit etc

The days when an adult child moved out with all their stuff and their room became the spare room seem to be gone.

I agree.
Only one of ours boomeranged back for less than a month.

However, some of their stuff remains firmly lodged here.
I am going to be ruthless this winter.

Reading this thread what emerges is that there is no single way of doing this. Personally I didn't ask my children to give me money because I didn't need it and I wanted them to save towards their own property. They all boomeranged partly because they lived and worked in different places. But they always knew there was space in my house.I'm wondering how the OPs son gets on with his sister and her children. One way of encouraging his socialisation might be to organise family events with all of you. If he goes out for meals etc with you he may develop more confidence.

bonus to persuade young people to stop living with their parents

God that really made me laugh!

I see I have been in a minority on this thread, which is fine but I would feel frustrated if it was one of mine. one of mine is particularly lazy too and would quite happily let me wait on him hand and foot. When he comes to stay he is fine the first few days as he has been fending for himself but he soon reverts back to Kevin the teenager. It is the cause of much friction to be honest.

Could you say you are getting tired of doing all the housework and meal preparation and could he please cook you both tea one day a week and ask him to do a certain job each day?

Just to show this problem is far from unique
In the DT. this morning
SPAIN’S prime minister said he wants to introduce a €250 (£213) monthly bonus to persuade young people to stop living with their parents.
Pedro Sánchez unveiled a programme to help young people rent their own homes, a trend that has declined since the 2008 financial crash, which brought about stubbornly high youth unemployment in the country
The average age of Spaniards leaving their parents’ homes is 30 – four years higher than the EU average and considerably above the UK average of 24.6 years, although the age Britons leave home has also risen in recent years.

“ We must reduce the intolerably high home-leaving age among young people,” Mr Sánchez said on Tuesday as he announced his Left-wing government’s plans to reform the country’s housing sector, which include the introduction of rent caps in high-demand areas, where prices have been driven up by property speculation and tourism rentals.
The “youth voucher” is to be available for people between 18 and 35 who earn less than €23,725 (£20,190) a year for a period of two years.

P.s I personally left home aged 16 and went to have live in work in The Savoy as a chambermaid. But that was 1983 and things have changed

You can do the council list on line these days,I do it with clients all the time , he may only be low need but he can then bid every week for properties, in his case bedsits and flats. You explain in the correct areas about his mental health and that yours and his relationship is suffering. If you do the form together and explain you need these self care boundaries as it's effecting your need for privacy and your own life now.

I think a lot of people in their twenties boomerang nowadays - go away to university, move back h for a while, start earning better money and move out, decide to do some further study and move back in, get a job and move back out, move back home to save for a deposit etc

The days when an adult child moved out with all their stuff and their room became the spare room seem to be gone.

I like the facts, apparently 27% of young men aged 27 still live with their parents in the UK (probably more since the pandemic financial effects began to bite?)
www.statista.com/statistics/285330/young-adults-living-with-parents-uk-by-age-and-gender/
The good news seems to be that by the age of 34 they have nearly all moved out!