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AIBU

Adult son won’t leave home

(84 Posts)
Grangran19 Sun 03-Oct-21 17:50:35

AIBU to be considering changing the locks?! I am at the end of my tether with my 27 year old son who still lives with me and refuses to move out. He says it’s impossible as he can’t find anywhere to rent that he can afford. He works part time and spends all the time that he’s not working in his room. He has suffered from anxiety and depression in the past, although he seems in a better state of mind he just clams up when I try to talk to him. He knows that he needs to move out and that this arrangement doesn’t really work for either of us, and yet it continues with no end in sight Deadlines don’t work, they come and go…. I really don’t know what to do. Any advice gratefully received- please be kind, I’m new here 🙏

Grandmabatty Sun 03-Oct-21 17:55:46

If deadlines come and go, then he knows there are no consequences to them. Why does he not work full time? More money would give him more choices. He needs a bit of a shove as he's too comfortable. Take money from him for rent and perhaps you could save it up for him as a deposit. Do you do all his washing, ironing, etc? Do you make his meals, get food in for him? Stop. Tell him it's time he took responsibility. Give him a sensible deadline and keep referring to it. Ask how his search is going. Etc

Mouseybrown60 Sun 03-Oct-21 18:08:40

Bump!

Oopsadaisy1 Sun 03-Oct-21 18:16:15

Let’s be fair, you can’t change the locks on your son, he has nowhere to go, he has suffered from Anxiety and depression, maybe he is only capable of doing part time the the moment because of his illness.
Start charging him rent, if he finds he can’t manage on the money he has left, you will soon know if he is too ill to work , or that he just can’t be bothered.
He will need a fair amount of money to cover deposits and rent on a property unless he shares………
If he works full time, then charge him a fair rent and start making him live by your rules.

Grangran19 Sun 03-Oct-21 18:21:17

Thanks, yes I know he’s too comfortable but don’t know how to give him the push he needs. He does his own washing, food shopping and cooking, cleaning if I nag him. The problem is that all the energy comes from me, so it’s easier to just get on with it. Charging full rent is a good idea….. he only works part time because he doesn’t actually need to work full time 🙄

Riverwalk Sun 03-Oct-21 18:23:22

Mouseybrown60

Bump!

Why bump? 18 minutes after the OP?

Septimia Sun 03-Oct-21 18:26:32

If you charge him full rent, perhaps you could put some of it aside for a deposit on a rental property for him. Giving him a hand with that might help to push him to move out. Don't tell him what you're doing, though, just offer it when he starts making a move towards going.

M0nica Sun 03-Oct-21 18:27:17

Definitely charge him rent. If he complains point out that it covers heating and hot water, kitchen facilities and Council tax.

I deduce that there are only two of you in the property. If it was just you, you cpuld get a 25% discount on your Council tax.

Do not tell him, but you could put the money aside to give him a cushion to sort himself out once he is living independently.

Daisymae Sun 03-Oct-21 18:30:06

He needs to pay his pay, he needs motivation to work full time. I would give him a deadline and notice when his rent will be increasing. Here its £500 for a room in a house, plus food etc. Have a look on right move and see what the rate is in your area. I imagine that he is on the internet or gaming?? I hear there's a lot of job about at the moment, one must have his name on it.

lemsip Sun 03-Oct-21 19:10:34

Don't push him 'over the edge', you say he suffers anxiety and depression.. How would you feel then?
If he clams up then he is still suffering.

at least he seems to live separately from you.

grannyactivist Sun 03-Oct-21 19:18:30

May I ask, why exactly do you want him to go?

dogsmother Sun 03-Oct-21 19:28:53

I’d tread carefully too, why does he have to go? If his mental health is an issue it’s really important that you try to work with him rather than push….

GagaJo Sun 03-Oct-21 19:39:04

Septimia

If you charge him full rent, perhaps you could put some of it aside for a deposit on a rental property for him. Giving him a hand with that might help to push him to move out. Don't tell him what you're doing, though, just offer it when he starts making a move towards going.

I'm doing this. My daughter is looking for FT work but for now, is working part-time. She's paying me about 40% of her earnings.

She doesn't know it, but I'm stashing the cash in an envelope and then when she has a FT job, and has saved a reasonable amount towards a deposit, I'm going to give her the envelope back.

Don't be like my bloke! His DD has left and come back hundreds of times. She's now late 30's and it looks as if she'll never leave home and will only be forced out when the house has to be sold when he either has to go into a home OR when he dies. He is doing her no favours by allowing it but is too weak to make her leave.

Caleo Sun 03-Oct-21 19:41:54

I too was wondering why you want him to go.

Namsnanny Sun 03-Oct-21 19:46:20

grannyactivist

May I ask, why exactly do you want him to go?

I think this is an important point.

Do you have anything in common?

With the lack of information about how he impacts on your life, I actually feel a bit sorry for him!

Do you have a busy social/work life yourself?

JaneJudge Sun 03-Oct-21 19:48:43

Gagajo, please put it in a bank account? or were you talking metaphorically...

OP, sounds a nightmare

JaneJudge Sun 03-Oct-21 19:49:34

I want my children to move out and grow up, it's hardly unusual

Casdon Sun 03-Oct-21 19:58:20

The average age adult children leave home is increasing though, rising house prices and the cost of living mean it’s very common indeed for young adults to remain at home with parents until they are in their late twenties, out of economic necessity. I’d sit down with him and work out a plan together, how much it would cost for him to live independently and how you can make it happen, even if it’s a year away.

JaneJudge Sun 03-Oct-21 20:11:49

I might move back in with my Mum then and say I need to save up for a house. It sounds like some children hmm are taking advantage and some Mums like it?

A 27yo man with a job should not be staying in his room at his childhood home and having his Mother cook and clean for him unless he is ill (I know being ill has been mentioned but it doesn't sound like he is engaging with the home he lives in - and yes it could be a problem I suppose if he moves out and does the same but it might help )

VioletSky Sun 03-Oct-21 20:22:45

grangran if he is keeping to himself and paying his own way/looking after his own chores, why is it a problem?

I think with his mental health issues it would probably be better to get him strong and in a place where moving out is easier. Throwing him out may just make him homeless and put strain on your relationship.

Beswitched Sun 03-Oct-21 20:39:10

He sounds vulnerable and insecure. Not everyone is ready to fly solo at 27. Some obviously have no choice. But I would far rather he stayed at home and was looked after than ended up depressed, lonely and isolated in a grotty flat.

Some people just need more protection.

BlueBelle Sun 03-Oct-21 20:44:18

My best friend could have written this only he was older 34 ish My friend loved him to bits but so wanted him to move on Then out of the blue he met a girl and it took off… about a year later he’d moved in with her and is still very happy in a decent job about 130 miles from mum

Grangran19 Sun 03-Oct-21 20:57:21

Thanks for all your comments… I do feel protective of him and not wanting to make him homeless, but he spends a lot of time gaming online and I feel resentful about his lack of engagement with me/ his household and life outside the home. I want him to move out because I want him to be independent and thriving in his life…. and I would also like to have my own space after parenting (mostly single handed) for 25+ years. The arrival of 2 small grandsons (my daughter is 24 and lives with her partner and babies) in the last 2 years has also changed my perspective hugely and I want to devote more of my time and energy to them, but I feel like I need to help my son to move on as a priority now.

Grangran19 Sun 03-Oct-21 20:58:00

P.S What does bump mean? 😳

Grangran19 Sun 03-Oct-21 20:59:35

Bluebell - that’s so good to hear…. Happy for him, and your friend! 😊