Gransnet forums


friend not being a friend?

(62 Posts)
PinkCakes Wed 13-Oct-21 20:01:41

I've been friends with a woman for 13 years - she's a couple of years older than me, at 64, but was in a relationship with my son, for about 8 years.

I always got on with her, always liked her. She broke her wrist, then got breast cancer, and I supported them both emotionally, as well as doing their ironing every week for 6 months, and going with her to every radiotherapy session.

When they split up, she stayed in the house they were buying, and I remained friends with her. We bought each other Christmas and birthday presents every year. I used to pick her up 3 or 4 times a week, and we used to go to Zumba and Aqua Aerobics together. Every fortnight, my husband and I used to go out with her to various social clubs. When she had about 2 years of bother with her mum who had Alzheimer's, I was there to listen, a shoulder to cry on.

When Covid began, she was very anxious, wouldn't have anyone in her home, but I'd sit in her garden with her or we'd meet at the park. She had the vaccine, I didn't - I was a bit of an anti-vaxxer. Anyway, in July this year, I got Covid and Pneumonia, was on a ventilator for 2 weeks, and had a stroke whilst unconscious. My husband rang her to tell her. When I regained consciousness and was able to use my mobile, she and I exchanged a few messages, she said she'd visit when I got home and that she'd do my hair, that kind of thing.

I was in hospital for 6 weeks, she didn't ring once. I told her when I was home, she said she'd been very stressed with work (clerical work, from home) and that she missed seeing me. Still no call etc. She then sent me a card, through the post, which the Zumba ladies had all signed.

She's gone to the trouble of buying a card, getting others to sign it, buying a stamp and posting it, yet she lives LITERALLY 5 minutes' drive from me.

AIBU to think she could/should have rung me or called round?

janeainsworth Wed 13-Oct-21 21:00:48

‘I was a bit of an anti-vaxxer’

Blossoming Wed 13-Oct-21 21:05:15

I wondered if it was the anti vax issue too. Could you ring her and see what response you get?

Kim19 Wed 13-Oct-21 21:07:42

Yes, that leapt out and stayed with me too, J

Summerlove Wed 13-Oct-21 21:11:35

I’m glad to hear you survived.

Is she afraid that you might still not be vaccinated?

Zoejory Wed 13-Oct-21 21:28:57

I think we've all arrived at the same conclusion.

Your friend is probably concerned about your vaccination status

Maybe you should just ask her?

Urmstongran Wed 13-Oct-21 21:31:45


‘I was a bit of an anti-vaxxer’

My red flag, right there.

M0nica Wed 13-Oct-21 21:51:29

Absolutely. Have you been vaccinated since you had COVID or are you still 'a bit of an anti-vaxxer'? I suspect that is a euphemism for being strongly anti-vax.

I would be avoiding and distancing myself from anyone who was an antivaxxer, no matter how good a friend.

Elizabeth27 Wed 13-Oct-21 22:02:49

Maybe she was so upset that you were ill it made her angry that you had not had the vaccine.

When people grieve or are very upset they want to blame somebody and they become angry, I think in this case she blames you for not having the vaccine and she nearly lost you.

seacliff Wed 13-Oct-21 22:06:04

Totally agree with all above. If you and your husband now fully vaccinated? If so, you could drop her a message telling her you had a change of heart now, and hope you can meet sometime.

Scones Wed 13-Oct-21 22:07:32

You said yourself that your friend is anxious about covid. She's afraid of catching it from you.

grannyrebel7 Wed 13-Oct-21 22:15:43

"Bit of an anti vaxxer" that's not possible, you either are or you're not. Sounds like you are (or were) and that's why you got Covid so badly and probably the reason your friend has kept her distance, as others have said. I feel very sorry to hear that you were so ill and I hope you've made a good recovery. I also hope you have now had the good sense to get jabbed.

AmberSpyglass Wed 13-Oct-21 22:25:15

I wouldn’t - and haven’t - visit friends who are antivaxxers. Not in person.

CanadianGran Wed 13-Oct-21 22:28:23

I also think she may have suppressed feelings of "I told you so" and is making the choice to avoid you rather than express here resentment. Let it go for now and see if she comes around.

Neen Wed 13-Oct-21 22:37:38

I would certainly ring and say thank you for the card and say are you ok with me not being vaccinated or does it bother / worry you and then your know. You may find your Zumba class are worried too but your perfectly within your right to not have it but at least your know then and she may say let's compromise and meet in parks or gardens.
You don't have to justify why you don't want it, it's a choice . I was pretty scared having my first as previously had anaphylaxis shock with an infusion medication years previous and that's an awful experience. But I was fine on both and now booked my booster but I've friends and a family member who don't want it and that's totally their choice. I still meet them. It's just she may be scared or it could be something totally different and something was said to her while you were poorly. Ring her .
Also I hope your be feeling as good as new soon, what an awful part of your journey. Let's hope now, your best is yet to come

BlueBelle Wed 13-Oct-21 22:48:10

I think you ve answered your own question
You’re an anti vaxer and I would imagine you still haven’t had it or have you ?
I have one friend who won’t be vaccinated I don’t mind being in her company but one of our mutual friends will not meet up with her at all and said she won’t while she is not vaccinated and as she has no intention of getting the vaccine I guess that friendship has finished
Do you recognise that you probably wouldn’t have been so ill if you had had the vaccine you had pneumonia, CoviD on a ventilator and unconscious followed by a stroke that’s awful Do you believe in the vaccine now ?

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 13-Oct-21 22:51:49

I doubt many people would want to meet up with someone who has decided not to be vaccinated. I fear you have only yourself to blame.

maddyone Wed 13-Oct-21 23:13:30

I think the same as everyone on here. You apparently are anti the Covid vaccine, which you are allowed to be, but you cannot expect everyone you know to wish to associate with you in the same way they did before Covid vaccines were available. People are afraid of getting Covid, and as you have shown, people who are not vaccinated are more likely to get Covid and be very ill with it. Therefore they are also more likely to spread Covid. And so you have your answer.

VioletSky Wed 13-Oct-21 23:34:22

I really think the answer is in all the replies above.

Perhaps she is angry with you for putting yourself at risk, angry that you could have died and probably very hurt about it.

To you maybe that doesnt make sense but to her it's as if you decided to willingly jump off a cliff without knowing if the tide was in.

Couple that with her anxiety around covid and you have an angry, hurt, anxious friend who obviously wants to do the right thing but isn't ready to see you in person.

I think you need to talk this out with her and find out.

Shelflife Wed 13-Oct-21 23:45:17

Surely you must see that your friend is frightened. She was probably very distressed when you were so ill and does not want to catch Covid! Unvaccinated people are likely to catch Covid and very likely to pass it to others .Vaccinated people can still catch Covid !!!! I am very pleased you have recovered - you were very fortunate and had highly a skilled medical team to pull you through. I sincerely hope you have now had the good sense to have the vaccination? I would not be happy spending time with an unvaccinated friend. I do not understand why you seem so unaware and amazed that your friend is keeping her distance- it's plain as a pikestaff ! You were / are NOT VACCINATED!!!!!! Dont loose a good friend over this , get the jabs ASAP . Without vaccination you are a threat to others. I know this sounds harsh but I feel very strongly indeed about this. You were so ill and lucky to recover, please don't hesitate get jabbed .

JenniferEccles Thu 14-Oct-21 00:07:51

You caught Covid, you were seriously ill enough to be put on a ventilator, then you had a stroke.

What, may I ask, did you think that the vaccine would do to you which would be worse than that?

With the benefit of hindsight, do you now wish you had had the vaccine?

welbeck Thu 14-Oct-21 00:18:41

that rare thing has appeared: a gransnet consensus.
which which i concur.

PollyTickle Thu 14-Oct-21 00:37:27

Sorry you were so ill and glad that you’ve recovered, hope you’ve now had your jab.
I agree with all the others I’m afraid. No one’s safe til we’re all safe.

muse Thu 14-Oct-21 01:10:15

You were very lucky to recover PinkCakes and I glad you have. I’m of the same opinion as everyone else. Help regain that friendship and have the vaccination. Your friend still shows she cares by organising the card.

Hithere Thu 14-Oct-21 01:41:23

I agree with above- antivaxxer is a red flag

You say she was also concerned and anxious with covid

Very bad combination