MIL getting angry I haven’t visited since pandemic.

Thank you all for our comments. Actually reading them all makes me realise that I was making excuses ( although they are valid) I will talk to her and explain more definitely that I will not be coming. I am happy with our hourly Sunday chats and will continue with those. Thank you all it helps to have others input ( miss my husband for those ☹️) I do keep in touch out of loyalty to my husband.

Oh dear indeed!

Oh dear

Bibbity OK, it came straight after my mine so assumed you were commenting on my post.

Um ...I don't have a business, its a turn of phrase!

I wasn’t commenting on your post specifically. A couple of posters have mentioned that the words said where when she was grieving so I was addressing the idea as a whole. Couldn’t care less about your business and what you do.

I didn't say it was an excuse Bibbity! I was simply suggesting that the OP might want to think about that aspect in deciding her way forward, that is all! She knows the person concerned, we don't! I am not in the business of "proving" or debating how nasty someone is!!

OP I do hope you have found some of the advice and support on the thread helpful

She can't use the excuse grieving for her behaviour towards the OPs children.
OP says her behaviour towards them is because she only values blood.

Also what a BS excuse for that comment anyway. Grieving doesn't give you the freedom to say disgusting things to others in pain.
If she said that and did so when not in the right frame of mind she should've apologised later on. But she didn't did she?

*You have to decide if you want to visit, now or maybe later on, or if you don't want to visit at all.
Depending which you choose, you then have to work out what to say to MiL.*

Good advice!

Re her tactless comment to her grieving grandaughter, she was also a grieving mother! If she believes showing emotion is "weak" etc, that might be the cause of her comment whilst hiding her own emotion. It was very unfortunate but a it of empathy might help moving forward in terms of what YOU want to do

She doesn’t sound a nice person , to make a comment like that to your daughter about attending her dads funeral is inexcusable! And for that reason alone would be enough for me to stay put, you owe her nothing

I think many are being a bit hard on the MiL. I wouldn't have taken much heed of what she said to your daughter. She possibly wasn't thinking straight. And because her gd isn't in contact much doesn't mean she's horrible. My gc are absolutely never in touch. I have always been nice and also generous to them. As I said before none of us is perfect. And it sounds like she made an effort when you say she has always been good to you and your daughters. If she's all about blood relatives she wouldn't have done so and wouldn't bother keeping in contact imo.

Perhaps OP wants to keep in contact out of loyalty to her late husband. I don’t think not having had a booster or the cost of petrol are excuses, they are genuine reasons. Money is tight and getting tighter. Also OP is still working so any visit to mother in law may have to eat into holiday allowance. I would be absolutely honest about these reasons but offer regular phone calls (zoom if it can be arranged) instead. If money is offered it can be graciously refused.

She sounds a dream! Honestly, you owe her nothing, and there is nothing to be gained from the constant trying to make things better with unpleasant people.

Your loyalty is to your own daughters, and yourself, and whoever else you happen to love. Don’t beat yourself up about this any longer.

Life is too short to waste it with difficult people.

Roads go two ways,and tbh after what she said to your dd i would be thinking stuff her.
She sounds like a bully.

Sounds like the consequences of her own actions. If she wasn't so nasty more people would make an effort to see her.

As she has such a elevated prioritisation for blood and you are not blood I wouldn't bother explaining anything to her. She has options and if she doesn't want to explore them that's her choice.
If she brings it up again just say
"We've discussed this. The answer is no"

Just don’t go. It’s not as if your going to bump into her in ASDA, is it ?
If it was me dealing with a woman with that attitude there would be no more dealing with.
No one needs people like that in their lives.

March

If anyone spoke to my daughter like that and upset her on the day of her dad's funeral I wouldn't cross a road for them let alone travel 240 miles.

To be fair, it was also the day after her sons funeral. It’s possible she was also quite distressed ?

Sorry *no plans

You don’t want to go, so don’t go. Be honest though and tell her you have plans in the significant future to visit but look for leads to your phone calls.

If her “real blood related” granddaughter doesn’t have a good relationship with, then it’s sounds like is reaping what she has sown.

Meet half way for coffee or lunch and get it over with if that would make you feel better.

She doesn’t sound like a nice person, I personally wouldn’t bother.

Since you both drive why not meet in the middle and do an overnighter at something like Travelodge? I'm sure she would pay. My problem is that you seem beholden to her rather than like her. Not my idea of an enjoyable relationship.

I think the pandemic has given many of us a chance to re-evaluate our relationships with some of our family and friends. We have not been able to visit others, and we have discovered that this ok by us, thank you very much.
Hell or high water would not stop us from visiting those we are desperate to see.
You are finding excuses not to visit your MIL, so you need to admit to yourself that you don't want to. Are you perhaps bound by a sense of duty or are you a soul that doesn't want to upset others?
I would not go myself.

The comment your MIL made to your DDs was clearly tactless and ill advised but is she of the generation where she expects people to keep their emotions to themselves and to carry on as normal in the face of bereavement? Try to let this go.

It's entirely up to you whether (or when) you are ready to visit, invite her - or maybe meet half way.

If you want to go, consider taking a train, as the 240 mile drive would put most people off. She could do that too, if she prefers to only drive locally.

You shouldnt have to feel obligated to go and visit especially at that distance. If it were me I would just tell her you cant do the journey, dont say you cant afford it as she may well offer to pay.
Just keep the lines of communication open by a phone call now and again.

Why does she want to see you? Just tell her -you can’t afford it, it’s a long journey.