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AIBU

MIL getting angry I haven’t visited since pandemic.

(67 Posts)
Yesofcoursenoproblem Sat 30-Oct-21 22:53:14

I am widowed (6yrs) my MIL is also widowed and is getting quite cross that I haven’t been up to visit her(240 miles) since the whole pandemic situation. I am on a very tight budget and have not had my booster shot yet so am not happy to go. It would be quite expensive petrol wise and just before Christmas too. She takes offence really easily and is getting rather huffy with me. She is a difficult women on the whole but has been good to me, my daughters do not get on with her at all ( step grandma) she is all about blood relatives.
History….. 2 DD’s not my late husbands but youngest considers him her dad as she was just 2 when we got together. Older DD also called him dad and was close.
MIL said day after my husband funeral to my youngest why aren’t you at work today? Any excuse for a day off!
This is just an example of her ways. She couldn’t understand that DD was upset. They say to just leave it but I don’t want to upset her but am struggling as to how to explain as she thinks I’m making up excuses. Any help gladly excepted 😁

CafeAuLait Sat 30-Oct-21 23:06:47

If you have told MIL why you aren't available to visit and she refuses to accept it, that's her problem, not yours. She needs to find someone or something else to keep her amused.

Can she come and visit you? If you aren't comfortable with that for the same reasons you don't want to travel to visit now, can you offer to have a chat with her over Zoom, or some other means? Make a phone call?

March Sat 30-Oct-21 23:08:51

If anyone spoke to my daughter like that and upset her on the day of her dad's funeral I wouldn't cross a road for them let alone travel 240 miles.

CafeAuLait Sat 30-Oct-21 23:09:32

March

If anyone spoke to my daughter like that and upset her on the day of her dad's funeral I wouldn't cross a road for them let alone travel 240 miles.

This is also fair and reasonable. :-)

nadateturbe Sat 30-Oct-21 23:11:38

It sounds as if she would really like to see you. Perhaps she is lonely too. You say she is difficult but none of us is perfect and she has been good to you. Once you have your booster could you really not afford to go?
My only problem would be the long journey, but if you're ok with that, I think I would make the effort.

GrandmaKT Sat 30-Oct-21 23:34:28

You say your MIL has been good to you and it sounds as if she would like you to visit. Why are you bringing up the relationship between her and your daughters? Either you want to / feel you should go and see her or you don't. Similarly, talk of boosters and it being 'just before Christmas' (it's October!) just sound like excuses. Is she better off than you? If so, and if you do want to see her, maybe ask her if she could help you out with the cost?

Chestnut Sat 30-Oct-21 23:36:32

I think I would try video calls if it's possible for someone to set her up. They can make a huge difference when you can't do proper visits. If you could have a chat with her once a week and build up your relationship she may not feel so neglected.

Yesofcoursenoproblem Sat 30-Oct-21 23:53:05

GrandmaKT. In mentioning my DD’s relationship with MIL I was highlighting how she can be unreasonable. She does have a car and is happy to zoom around but does not want to do the longer journey. Yes she is much better off than me but I do not like to be beholden as she has history of playing on that (with my DH) I am happy to talk on phone weekly but if I am honest I would leave it at that. She does her her actual granddaughter living really close but they don’t get on so well. Actually it’s only Two pay days before Christmas and the cost of fuel would take a fair chunk of my money!

VANECAM Sat 30-Oct-21 23:57:19

You have set out your reasons for not going but you have omitted to say whether you actually want to go or want to see MIL.

From the negative descriptions that you provide of MIL it would appear that you’re not to fussed about seeing her anyway.

If you don’t want to go, then don’t go.

FarNorth Sat 30-Oct-21 23:59:57

You have to decide if you want to visit, now or maybe later on, or if you don't want to visit at all.
Depending which you choose, you then have to work out what to say to MiL.
You do have the option of just stopping having anything to do with her at all.
I'm not suggesting you do that, but pointing out that you could.

VioletSky Sun 31-Oct-21 00:12:00

I think you need to be firm and just say no, it doesn't sound like seeing her would make you happy when speaking to her is making you unhappy.

Maybe just politely end the call whenever she brings it up and maybe for your own sake, try not to speak to her very often

VANECAM Sun 31-Oct-21 00:13:06

My post crossed with your second post.

Your second post clears up the point that you’re not really fussed about seeing ML.

Under those circumstances, I don’t see the problem. Don’t go.

On the matter of ML thinking that you are “just making up excuses” - she’s spot on, you are.

That’s because it’s what people do - make up excuses and stories usually to avoid being straight and telling the truth.

ElaineI Sun 31-Oct-21 00:28:01

If you don't want to go then don't go. If you get your booster (one of the points you made about not going) would you go? Cost - well that is a consideration as petrol prices are now more than I have ever experienced and I am cutting back as prices for food have also increased. Last 2 months have seen me using savings to get by. If I didn't have savings we would be living on cheaper meals like frozen foods - burgers, chicken nuggets etc. So if that's the case tell her - you have not enough money to travel that far. No point in making other excuses. I think we are all going to have to tighten our budgets for the foreseeable.

Teacheranne Sun 31-Oct-21 01:53:44

If you told her that you cannot afford to travel to see her, would she offer to give you some money for the petrol? I used to give my adult children money towards petrol costs if they came to see me when they first started work after university, money was very tight for both of them and they appreciated my offer.

welbeck Sun 31-Oct-21 02:00:25

just say no.
go LC.
she's lucky you keep in touch at all.
did you challenge her on being so horrid to your daughter.

Hithere Sun 31-Oct-21 02:53:24

She could always travel to see you- the road goes both ways

nadateturbe Sun 31-Oct-21 03:44:16

Hithere

She could always travel to see you- the road goes both ways

It might be too far for her. I assume she's a lot older than Yesofcourse.

vegansrock Sun 31-Oct-21 05:51:10

Why does she want to see you? Just tell her -you can’t afford it, it’s a long journey.

Calmlocket Sun 31-Oct-21 06:47:04

You shouldnt have to feel obligated to go and visit especially at that distance. If it were me I would just tell her you cant do the journey, dont say you cant afford it as she may well offer to pay.
Just keep the lines of communication open by a phone call now and again.

Hetty58 Sun 31-Oct-21 07:11:30

It's entirely up to you whether (or when) you are ready to visit, invite her - or maybe meet half way.

If you want to go, consider taking a train, as the 240 mile drive would put most people off. She could do that too, if she prefers to only drive locally.

mumofmadboys Sun 31-Oct-21 07:27:46

The comment your MIL made to your DDs was clearly tactless and ill advised but is she of the generation where she expects people to keep their emotions to themselves and to carry on as normal in the face of bereavement? Try to let this go.

Santana Sun 31-Oct-21 07:32:30

I think the pandemic has given many of us a chance to re-evaluate our relationships with some of our family and friends. We have not been able to visit others, and we have discovered that this ok by us, thank you very much.
Hell or high water would not stop us from visiting those we are desperate to see.
You are finding excuses not to visit your MIL, so you need to admit to yourself that you don't want to. Are you perhaps bound by a sense of duty or are you a soul that doesn't want to upset others?
I would not go myself.

Kim19 Sun 31-Oct-21 08:26:18

Since you both drive why not meet in the middle and do an overnighter at something like Travelodge? I'm sure she would pay. My problem is that you seem beholden to her rather than like her. Not my idea of an enjoyable relationship.

Poppyred Sun 31-Oct-21 08:37:33

Meet half way for coffee or lunch and get it over with if that would make you feel better.

She doesn’t sound like a nice person, I personally wouldn’t bother.

Babyshark Sun 31-Oct-21 09:04:07

You don’t want to go, so don’t go. Be honest though and tell her you have plans in the significant future to visit but look for leads to your phone calls.

If her “real blood related” granddaughter doesn’t have a good relationship with, then it’s sounds like is reaping what she has sown.