MIL getting angry I haven’t visited since pandemic.

March

If anyone spoke to my daughter like that and upset her on the day of her dad's funeral I wouldn't cross a road for them let alone travel 240 miles.

This. Why are you even asking? Why didn't you cut her off then? Just sent Christmas and birthday cards if you must. I can't believe you think you should continue a relationship with her.

If she had said what she did about work ON THE DAY of the funeral, then I could understand you better. But it was the NEXT DAY, and so I guess when she was young she would have been expected to go straight back to work!!
It may be that she just doesn't understand the impact she makes when she speaks.
Could you not invite her to yours for a weekend, as she's so better off than you, she could get a train to yours? Your children could be 'busy' that weekend so just pop in & out and then not have to see her too much!
You've kept in touch this long, so there must be something you like about her, and she likes you, too!

Nannashirlz

Sorry but I just think your making excuses. You have being double jab and waiting for your booster what happens if say you need a other booster after this one. Maybe her making jokes to your daughter was just her dealing with her grief we all know how sensitive funerals are and ppl say things they shouldn’t. You can get a coach really cheap. Bet if your husband still here you would have gone to visit. Bet he would be ashamed of how your treating his mum. 240 miles isn’t that far. I should know I visit one of my boys and his family that far via train. Actually just got back last night.

I would think that her husband would be heartily ashamed of his mother for how she spoke to his daughter, frankly. That wasn’t a joke. It was flat out cruelty.

I understand OP keeps in touch out of loyalty to her late husband and that is commendable. It says a lot about her relationship with him. Who are we to say she should tell her mother in law to get lost Gabrielle? It’s her decision as to whether she wants to keep in touch and if so how. The weekly phone calls seem fine. She honours her husband’s memory and the phone calls, unlike long journeys, are within her means.

If she's so attached to DNA for relationships, I don't understand why she expects you to visit, honestly.

For myself, I keep relationships with people I like and enjoy. I just don't have the time, energy, or emotional bandwidth to waste on people who make me unhappy/miserable as the status quo.

I wonder if the in-law relationship ends on death? I don't think there should be any obligation to a person you aren't related to by blood.
I think of my former SiL as a friend now, someone I want to keep in touch with but if I didn't get on with her well then I wouldn't feel obligated to see her.

Tell her to get lost! Selfish.

The way she spoke to DD obviously doesn't consider your DDs as her GC. Why bother even thinking you should try to visit. You have a tight budget and need to consider the possibility of that increasing. Phone and say you can phone/skype etc but given the financial situation, the timing of the visit you feel unable to visit. Any considerate person would understand.

If you don’t want to go then dont. What’s the point of doing something that upsets you. Life is too short. Telephone her snd be honest explain why you can’t visit. If she takes offence thats her problem.

I only do that for those who are willing to do it in return.

I think it would be very uncaring to never see her again.
As I said before if she was all about blood relatives she wouldn't have been good to you or want to keep in touch.
And we don't know her age yet or state of health for a long journey.
It's not as if you're visiting every week.
Can we not spare a little time and thought for others?

Made me laugh, if she has a problem with you and your daughters, so be it. I would not go out of my way or bend over to please her, if she loves blood relatives so much, let her love them, more room in your heart for people who need people.
Stop worrying about them and enjoy your life.

Nannashirlz

Sorry but I just think your making excuses. You have being double jab and waiting for your booster what happens if say you need a other booster after this one. Maybe her making jokes to your daughter was just her dealing with her grief we all know how sensitive funerals are and ppl say things they shouldn’t. You can get a coach really cheap. Bet if your husband still here you would have gone to visit. Bet he would be ashamed of how your treating his mum. 240 miles isn’t that far. I should know I visit one of my boys and his family that far via train. Actually just got back last night.

If her husband were alive then contact would be his responsibility.

Why should she? Why is this her responsibility? Why can't MiL make the journey if it's so important to her?

Don’t go. Tell her that it is far to far to drive, and anyway it’s too expensive. Trains are extortionate too.
I hate emotional blackmail.

I think you made the right decision.You and your family come first.Be very firm with her.Life really is too short to spend it trying to please others.I think of all the time and money I wasted over my life because I didnt want to offend people,I do regret it.Do whats best fo you.

Yesofcoursenoproblem your name suggests you don’t like upsetting people which is probably part of what is happening here. I think it’s lovely of you to keep in touch. If it was anyone else would you still not want to travel? If so your ‘excuses’ are valid although I would prefer to call them explanations. I think you should explain to mil you don’t feel comfortable for those reasons so won’t be coming, but you may reconsider at a later date, and in the meantime you can have your weekly chat together.

Sorry but I just think your making excuses. You have being double jab and waiting for your booster what happens if say you need a other booster after this one. Maybe her making jokes to your daughter was just her dealing with her grief we all know how sensitive funerals are and ppl say things they shouldn’t. You can get a coach really cheap. Bet if your husband still here you would have gone to visit. Bet he would be ashamed of how your treating his mum. 240 miles isn’t that far. I should know I visit one of my boys and his family that far via train. Actually just got back last night.

After the comment at the funeral and as soon as funeral over she would be out of my life. I have done that with my dads wife of 20 years. We did not like each other, was civil for sake of my father. Haven’t seen her since day of the funeral. Why keep up the pretence?

I wonder what age MiL is.

I imagine she would of been distressed, but being distressed doesn't mean you can be cruel and nasty.

It doesn't count for the years of her being 'difficult' either. Before and after.

You said in your opening post, your mil thought you were making excuses, well you were. You still have family but she’s lost her son. You said she was good to you and yes she did speak out of turn at the funeral, but I can’t imagine how difficult it would have been for her burying your son. I feel for someone widowed and losing her son.

How much do you need her in your life??
Stop making excuses. Be true to yourself.

I did once a week chats with my exMIL, after her son died. We were both happy with those?

I think you should stick with what you're comfortable with Yesofcoursenoproblem and chatting for an hour on Sundays maintains contact without the stress of visits.

It sounds as if this not a relationship you really want so keeping "in touch out of loyalty to (your)husband" is commendable,

If you have to spend money on petrol to visit someone you clearly dont want to visit then that will mean even less money to spend this holiday on the people and things that you do enjoy. Dont lash out and spend because you feel its a duty.

I would just send a text or email with your feeings and leave it at that. If she kicks off on the phone then cut down on the calls to once a fortnight or month.