To say what more can we do?

Gabrielle56

Isnthis a new idiot novel I'm reading "he wasn't accusing her" ?!?!?! What world do you live in , I wonder what I fluence you'll be exerting on the kids frankly, warped ideas!

Don't be ridiculous. Obviously the husband handled the situation clumsily. We all do stupid things and it is obvious the OP feels very badly about it all.

It's a very unfortunate situation and really the main thing is that the children don't lose out as a result.

You said it maybe better if you get a new Nanny as she no longer trusts you and that you think a future with her in your employ will no longer work. What reason will you give for asking her to leave ? She has done nothing wrong ?

Gabrielle are you having a bad day or are you always so nasty? I’ve just commented on what you said on another thread. I was always told, if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything.

Wow, so sad for everyone involved. It sheds a very uncomfortable light on the fragility of trust in this situation. You people are just a paycheck to her now. Bet she is great with the kids, they're the ones who stand to lose the most.

Isnthis a new idiot novel I'm reading "he wasn't accusing her" ?!?!?! What world do you live in , I wonder what I fluence you'll be exerting on the kids frankly, warped ideas!

He sounds like a complete idiot! What WAS he doing ? He should have consulted you with his thoughts before any decision to speak to nanny. Who is he? Kubla khan!? He needs to absolutely throw himself at her mercy and beg forgiveness. I was very publicly accused of stealing a so called friends ring in 70s ,and very privately told she'd found it 3 years later! I simply gave her my Paddington Bear long hard stare and walked away from her . The damage she'd done had already taken it's toll and lost me my job.

If I was the nanny I would be out of there as soon as possible and into another job. However it was said by your DH the nanny would quite understandably feel it was being aimed at her. She's in a vulnerable position going in and out of your house and could be accused of anything that goes astray (like the jewelry) and frankly apologies mean nothing once the seed has been sewn.

what more can you do? nothing. Do you pay her to housesit?

Sorry, but your husband has blow it. I don’t blame the Nanny for taking the attitude she has done.

To my mind this isn’t just something between you and your nanny. The children need to be thought of. If you have custody it is clear that something serious has happened in their past so if they’re fond of this young woman you are causing another upset for them.

As others have said, why on earth would you expect her to look after your house for you? If you’re that worried you could hire housesitters or install a burglar alarm.

Exactly MickyD ? Thankyou so much xx

^ crazyH

granzilla - being Jewish has nothing at all to do with my story. I was just adding a detail, that’s all. No offence meant …apologies, if I have caused upset to anyone ^

I think some people are a tad too PC. If your friend was American for instance, and you mentioned your American friend how could that possibly be offensive? It’s not. Don’t let anyone make you think you’ve said something wrong because you haven’t. ?

Get a new nanny or a new husband simples

I am a retired nanny and I had a house key from my employers from the word go, but I was never asked to keep an eye on their home while they were away, although I still had their key in my possession. If I wasn’t travelling with them in order to look after my charges, the time they were away would count as part of my annual holiday leave.

If your husband trusted her, why on earth did he even mention this 'break-in' (which didn't even happen!) in the first place? I would give a key to a neighbour if you really need someone to keep an eye on the place. The poor Nanny really doesn't need this extra responsibility. It simply isn't her job.

^^Yes, we probably do need to consider getting a new nanny.
It just makes me uncomfortable that there are clearly trust issues here and who wants that with the set up we have. There has to be trust, complete trust on both sides. She doesn't trust us so it cannot work
OP, you are presuming the nanny doesn’t trust you and are upset by this. The explanation your DH gave may well have been accepted and believed by the nanny. I think you’re being a bit paranoid and are presuming the fact that she won’t house sit is connected to the loose accusation issue. It is a huge responsibility to be a key holder to someone’s house. Maybe she doesn’t want to do this but does trust you.

I don't think you should try discussing the matter again with the nanny.

She obviously felt that she was being accused either of stealing or of negligence when your husband asked if she was quite sure she had locked the conservatory door.

You discussed the matter with them both, and your husband has apologised.

Nanny refuses to have your key - did she have one before this incident?

I can see both sides of this. In the nanny's place I would be hesitant about holding your key, after this incident.

Your husband was surely justified in asking her if she could possibly have forgotten to lock a door, when he suspected there had been a break-in, but either his query sounded like an accusation, or the nanny was offended without cause.

Either way, least said, soonest mended from now on, I should think.

If you are planning to go away soon, find a neighbour or colleague who is willing to have an extra key to your house and go past to check that everything is all right.

If you do this, do talk to the nanny about it beforehand.

If you live in an area with frequent break-ins, would it not be advisable to install a proper alarm system? You trust the Nanny with a key, which she prefers not to take home with her, so surely you would be willing to trust her with a code to the alarm system. These days, everyone using the system can have an individual code, so there is no doubt about who comes and goes when, or who may have forgotten to set the alarm.

I just find it frustrating that we can't get her to believe in the fact we trust her and that it was just clumsiness on my husbands part

How do you know he won't be clumsy again?

She doesn't trust you.

OP, in your last comment you are now suggesting that your husband wanted to ensure that she didn't leave any doors unlocked.
so, even if not thinking she was a thief, now there is the implication that if there had been a burglary, it was down to her failing to lock all doors.
so he mentioned it to ensure it doesn't happen in future.
frankly, i'm surprised that she's stayed this long.
she must like the children.
because the adults sound impossible.
perhaps both of you need to go on a course, how to speak to people in work settings without infuriating them;
how to keep good staff and shew that you value them.
if you do not address this, it will be a repeated event with others, causing disruption to the children.
am beginning to wonder if this is a genuine post at all.

Your husband offended her.
You want her to play along with your mind games over the key to make yourselves feel better.
You take offence when she quite reasonably refuses.
So you decide you need to replace her.
No problems with how she does her actual job?

Where do your grandchildren feature in all this?
Do they like her?
Are they settled with her?
How will they feel if she leaves?
How will you explain that to them?

The nanny is not the one causing the problem here, it is entirely of your husband's making and you are perpetuating it.

Let. It. Go.

OP

To answer your question in the title: "to say what more can we do?"

You apologize for insisting on her taking the key, thank her for taking good care of your gc and drop it.

Also, your dh should keep some of his comments private and do not verbalize them.

Less is more here.

I used to belong to a forum that was destroyed by one poster who kept being wilfully obtuse in thread after thread after thread.

This thread is beginning to feel like groundhog day.

I used to belong to a forum that was destroyed by one poster who kept being wilfully obtuse in thread after thread after thread.

This thread is beginning to feel like groundhog day.

We have offered for her to take the key home when we are there also but she has refused everytime.

And yet you still don't seem to have got the message. No means no. She doesn't have to justofy her reasons to you so that you understand why she says no. Just accept that no is the answer. Stop being obtuse about it.

We have offered for her to take the key home when we are there also but she has refused everytime.
He only said that to make sure that if it was a break in, it would not happen again rather then putting her in the position of blame.