Gransnet forums


To say what more can we do?

(110 Posts)
StarsAreAligned Sat 13-Nov-21 19:34:22

I have custody of her grandkids and so have a before and after school nanny as I still work
Husband felt there had been a break in a few weeks ago as the laptop looked scuffed and some jewellery couldn't be found (Since turned up). Apparently he was not accusing the nanny but asked if she locked the conservatory doors when she left the house (Even though she was not there that day)and then told her about the laptop and jewels. Nanny was upset and said she knew nothing about it, always locked up the house well etc. Husband said he wasn't accusing her, just chatting about it. He then asked if she wanted the key to the house while they went away for the week to prove he was not accusing her. She said no as she did not feel comfortable. When I found out I was very annoyed at my husband and made him apologise to nanny. A few months on and we have gone away on holiday again and asked nanny to take the key in case there are issues with the house. Nanny said she did not feel comfortable. Aibu to ask what more we can do to show we trust her?

StarsAreAligned Sat 13-Nov-21 19:35:10

Sorry I have custody of my grandkids was the first line.

Baggs Sat 13-Nov-21 19:46:15

"Trust once lost is hard to rebuild" was my first thought on reading this.

Is there no-one else you can ask to watch the house while you're away?

Scones Sat 13-Nov-21 20:22:30

You say that you made your husband apologise. I wonder how sincere his apology was or if it was perfunctory as he felt under duress?

Even if he has already made a sincere apology perhaps you and he could both sit down with nanny and explain the situation again and make a heartfelt and sincere apology. Perhaps with some flowers or something you know she will enjoy?

Another thing that crosses my mind is that keeping an eye on the house whilst you are away is quite a responsibility and maybe doesn't fall into the normal range of jobs for a nanny. Maybe she doesn't want this extra responsibility which might involve her in making decisions about the house whilst you aren't there - or indeed having to go into the house if there has been a break in. Are you offering to pay her for taking the responsibility on?

M0nica Sat 13-Nov-21 20:23:59

I am totally with the nanny and in her position would never want to hold keys to your house again. Trust of this kind once lost can never be regained. I am surprised she is even still working for you. In her position I would take a conversation like she had with your DH as a warning that i could be blamed for anything happenng in the house that is inexplicable and would have moved to another employer by now.

Be glad she has stayed and accept that trust between you is impossible

V3ra Sat 13-Nov-21 20:28:10

Does your nanny hold a key while she's looking after your grandchildren? Presumably she's in and out of the house during the day?

Hithere Sat 13-Nov-21 20:38:28

What Monica said

StarsAreAligned Sat 13-Nov-21 20:43:08

It was clumsy of my husband but he definitely was not accusing her, just making conversation. It came out wrong that's all. It's obvious we trust her as she has sole care of the most precious things in our lives, our grandchildren.
She has a key on days she is working but leaves it behind each night. So for example, takes it of a morning, leaves it at night.
As for the responsibility aspect, the chances are we wouldn't have needed her to go to the house but wanted to prove we trusted her.
I just find it frustrating that we can't get her to believe in the fact we trust her and that it was just clumsiness on my husbands part that made it sound like she was being accused that time.

BlueBelle Sat 13-Nov-21 20:45:26

I too wouldn’t hold a key if I was a nanny or in your employ especially as something already seemed to have ‘maybe’ gone!
(Although why a burglar would ‘scuff’ a computer I ve no idea I would have thought it would have gone in his or her swag bag)
Ask a relative or close friend but don’t ask her she does not want to be responsible for anything happening and who can blame her

StarsAreAligned Sat 13-Nov-21 20:45:36

Husband did say to her that he trusted her and that she meant so much to us all but there is clearly distrust on her part still.

Hithere Sat 13-Nov-21 20:47:52

The thing that she was offered the key while you were away, instead of trust, could be interpreted as something she could do for you

I am surprised she is still working for you

Hithere Sat 13-Nov-21 20:53:58

Some actions cannot be fixed with words

V3ra Sat 13-Nov-21 21:02:19

She maybe just doesn't want the responsibility of being on call for your house while you're away? She's a nanny, her training and responsibilities are to the children, not your property.
Unless she previously held your keys while you were away I'd say you could be reading too much into her refusal now.

SueDonim Sat 13-Nov-21 21:07:42

If I were the nanny, I’d be suspicious that I was being set up to be blamed for something. I’m not surprised she doesn’t want a key. I can’t see how this can truly be mended.

StarsAreAligned Sat 13-Nov-21 21:55:19

As I said. The chances of anything happening to the house while we were away for the week is slim. We just wanted to prove we trusted her rather than expecting her to sort anything out.
I guess I thought she had accepted that what my husband said was clumsy but not an accusation but this incident showed that it isnt the case which is difficult.

M0nica Sat 13-Nov-21 22:10:29

SAA The mere fact that an employer would even have such a conversation, however put, would awake warning bells if I was the nanny. There would always be the knowledge that a conversation of the kind that had happened and the employer could think like that.

Put yourself in the nanny's position, she is an employee, her future working life is entirely in your employer's hands. A doubtful reference or no reference can destroy your career. If the employer wants to blame you for anything, you are not in a good posititon. It is a risk not worth taking. She must really like you to have stayed, but she quite sensibly is taking no risks.

crazyH Sat 13-Nov-21 22:11:30

I will never forget an old (85 years ) Jewish friend who I used to visit regularly and take an occasional ‘plate’ , made this awful comment - I am paraphrasing - you know H, there are some people who try to build a friendship with elderly people, hoping they will be mentioned in the will. I never visited her after that and she wondered why!!!
Words can hurt and have unwanted repercussions. I hope your Nanny will try to understand and put it behind her

Gwyneth Sat 13-Nov-21 22:18:57

As others have already said if I was the Nanny I definitely wouldn’t want to have a key to your house whilst you were away. The element of trust certainly with regard to your husband has been broken. I don’t think I could continue to work for someone in this situation despite your reassurances.

StarsAreAligned Sat 13-Nov-21 22:22:20

We do suspect she may be looking elsewhere but perhaps struggling as she has 2 chronic health issues. confused
It's just frustrating as we know that short of telling her we trust her, there is nothing more we can do. All because of my husbands thoughtlessness. He honestly meant nothing by it. None of it was aimed at her. He was just talking about it. He can see why she feels this way but it's hard as obviously we have reassured her and it hasn't really worked.

V3ra Sat 13-Nov-21 22:22:22

She may well have accepted that what your husband said was clumsily put, it doesn't mean she has to go along with your (rather patronising in my view) method of "proving" you trust her. She may not fully trust you.
Respect her for the professional job she does and leave it at that.

welbeck Sun 14-Nov-21 02:25:29

you both sound rather crass.
you seem annoyed that she won't take the key.
but maybe she doesn't want to, and never would have taken it, quite apart from your husband's stupidity.
why should she be burdened with extra responsibility, quite outwith of child-care, just to prove a point that you two have devised.
frankly i too would be looking for another job.
people on here have explained the issue to you, but you are resistant to seeing it.
there's not much more that we can do.

Hithere Sun 14-Nov-21 03:01:18


I hope you understand that despite your claims of your husband not meaning anything by his allegations, they came across very differently

Why did he even need to mention anything, knowing she wasn't there that day?
There was no need to do that at all.

Is this the first time that anybody misunderstands your DH's comments?

BlueBelle Sun 14-Nov-21 03:04:34

You don’t get it do you ?
She is an employee for the children not a custodian of your house
Why should she have the concern and worry of extra responsibility, are you offering her an extra wage for this new job?
You are putting her in a VERY difficult situation and I m not surprised if she is looking to move on

granzilla Sun 14-Nov-21 03:54:43

What has being Jewish have to do with your former friend's distrust? confused

M0nica Sun 14-Nov-21 08:07:17

OP, what you need to understand is that no matter what your husband said and no matter how he put it, what he said rose from a thought process and values that immediately put the nanny in the frame for stealing that that went missing..

For someone in her position being accused of theft is just about the most damaging accusation, or sort of accusation, call it what you will, that can be made.

Your constantly pressing the key on her must look to her as if you are trying to set her up, so that you can engineer a more successful way of accusing her if being a thief.