I've refused to be mum's POA

I made sure to have 'me time' this weekend and treated myself to some new clothes in a big M&S store which has made me feel like my normal, glamorous self (much needed after this pandemic!)

That is good Peacelily. Please do consider :

1. Counselling
2. Contact
3. How you respond if in contact

Lily

Repeat with me - her health is not my problem

Mum has had antibiotics for each UTI this year. They seem to keep arriving in the post every three months from the hospital?! It's almost like they know she'll have a UTI every three months!

* the expectation of the court is that next of kin or close relative will be the "deputy" who will deal with financial affairs, this involves submitting full accounts every year and being checked on in a more rigorous way than an under a POA.*

I have my mum’s POA and under the terms of it I am expected to keep an account of every penny of her income, so it’s not that much different. She’s lived with me for years in my home, so her contribution to household bills and personal care is long standing, and arranged long before dementia was diagnosed. It makes it a lot simpler for me, but the obligation is still there, to make sure that there is no abuse of power.

Peacelily321

Thank you for all of your really helpful, reassuring comments. I'm not taking this decision lightly.
My sister has already inherited all of my deceased father's estate. As a final spiteful gesture, he wrote me out of his will. My sister didn't think to right the wrong by sharing a portion of the estate with me and I have to say that I felt deeply let down and betrayed. I didn't openly make a fuss about it but I have made a notch on the post in my mind about her and stopped trusting her.
My mum is pretty sound of mind but has had UTIs this year and hyponatremia which she was hospitalised for for 72 hours, experiencing delirium and confusion. I do keep an eye on her behaviour in case there are underlying medical causes.
I think she does feel deep guilt for not being a 'present' mother and also resent for me making her feel guilt. I'm like her favourite mistake. But how she feels isn't for me to manage every time I see her (every other weekend). The cycle of pleasant conversation followed by a bombshell comment followed by me feeling the force of it 24 hours later, then feeling angry, sad, numb and retraumatised (I have been formally diagnosed with complex PTSD) is exhausting. Mum then tells me that I'm oversensitive, overthink things and I must be more resilient and get over this. It's the equivalent of telling a person who's just been beaten up to cheer up and go for a jolly drink at the pub.
This has been going on for years but what I think is early signs of dementia is making it feel more acute.
I don't wish to be POA because I worry that she will eventually accuse me of stealing money (which will be hard to contradict if my sister isn't 'with me'). She may also become violent (she has beaten me before as a teenager) and I feel very exposed to what could be years of mistreatment when quite frankly, I've already had enough of that, thank you very much.
I do feel like I'm letting mum set sail on her own but she does have other options and it's hard not to see the chickens may be coming home to roost slightly. I was guilt-tripped by her over the weekend when she declared that it was 'a very sad day for the family' when I confirmed I did not wish to be POA. I really felt that and it hurt to have all that heavy guilt thrown on me.
I made sure to have 'me time' this weekend and treated myself to some new clothes in a big M&S store which has made me feel like my normal, glamorous self (much needed after this pandemic!).

One sentence in your post stands out OP. Your mum’s had UTI’s. In older people a UTI can present as dementia. My advice is to get your mum to her GP and get this treated properly, and then see if her condition improves. Her odd behaviour and signs of dementia which you outlined in your original post may be entirely due to this.

Thank you for all of your really helpful, reassuring comments. I'm not taking this decision lightly.
My sister has already inherited all of my deceased father's estate. As a final spiteful gesture, he wrote me out of his will. My sister didn't think to right the wrong by sharing a portion of the estate with me and I have to say that I felt deeply let down and betrayed. I didn't openly make a fuss about it but I have made a notch on the post in my mind about her and stopped trusting her.
My mum is pretty sound of mind but has had UTIs this year and hyponatremia which she was hospitalised for for 72 hours, experiencing delirium and confusion. I do keep an eye on her behaviour in case there are underlying medical causes.
I think she does feel deep guilt for not being a 'present' mother and also resent for me making her feel guilt. I'm like her favourite mistake. But how she feels isn't for me to manage every time I see her (every other weekend). The cycle of pleasant conversation followed by a bombshell comment followed by me feeling the force of it 24 hours later, then feeling angry, sad, numb and retraumatised (I have been formally diagnosed with complex PTSD) is exhausting. Mum then tells me that I'm oversensitive, overthink things and I must be more resilient and get over this. It's the equivalent of telling a person who's just been beaten up to cheer up and go for a jolly drink at the pub.
This has been going on for years but what I think is early signs of dementia is making it feel more acute.
I don't wish to be POA because I worry that she will eventually accuse me of stealing money (which will be hard to contradict if my sister isn't 'with me'). She may also become violent (she has beaten me before as a teenager) and I feel very exposed to what could be years of mistreatment when quite frankly, I've already had enough of that, thank you very much.
I do feel like I'm letting mum set sail on her own but she does have other options and it's hard not to see the chickens may be coming home to roost slightly. I was guilt-tripped by her over the weekend when she declared that it was 'a very sad day for the family' when I confirmed I did not wish to be POA. I really felt that and it hurt to have all that heavy guilt thrown on me.
I made sure to have 'me time' this weekend and treated myself to some new clothes in a big M&S store which has made me feel like my normal, glamorous self (much needed after this pandemic!).

Sounds dreadful Bluebellwould. The difference here is the op could be used and held to ransome because she is involved with the POA.

My husband was one of 4 children and one of his siblings got named as POA. They then held the rest of the family to ransom, refusing access to house and parents, stealing items of value and money and causing great distress to siblings who were still close to parents. Be careful giving up the ‘power’ of POA.

Thanks!

OP

You can make your own way, despite others expectations for you

It is never too late

Well done (genuinely)

Namsnnany

Hard but not impossible.

A lot of EAC have done it, including me

Bibbity

Why do you put yourself through this?

Conditioning from birth.
In my experience its very hard to stop.

It seems she was intolerable long before any dementia came on the scene. This is no excuse. Your health and well-being matter too Peacelily321.

I would put her rudeness down to her dementia and while she has obviously removed her own filter on what she says and how she says it please try to brush off what she says as I am guessing that in some twisted way she blames you for the failure of her marriage rather than facing up and accepting that her husband , your father was a wrong 'un.
She may also still be feeling shame for having a broken marriage as it wasn't that long ago when divorce was seen as not the done thing.
I wonder if your sister was also abused , without your knowledge and blames you for not protecting her? Or maybe she also blames you, even though it certainly wasn't your fault that her daddy left!
Don't have the POA if you feel it would be too stressful. Please also seek counselling to try and help you to seek some sort of closure on what your father did and also the guilt that your mother is making you feel.
You are stronger than you know.

I say that the problem will not go away because the OP visits regularly and is involved in her mother's life. The problems that can arise will be unpaid bills, bailiffs, how to pay for food? Getting care unless you qualify for free funded support is virtually impossible if there is no way to pay the bill. It is very difficult to step away entirely.

It does sound as if mum has early stage dementia. Her GP needs to be made aware, then if mum visits GP for any reason this will be checked out. Also an assessment by the community psychiatric nurse would be useful for setting up support systems as her condition worsens which it will. Mum can’t be made to see anyone however or receive any treatment. I do know the advice will be to get power of attorney asap whilst she still has mental capacity. P of A will cover health as well as finance but doesn’t operate until mum is shown to have little or no mental capacity.

That is the position. I wonder does sister visit or do anything for mum? If she lives closer it would be best for her to take it on. I would advise Peacelily not to take it on if she doesn’t feel up to it. With or without PoA this is going to get problematical. It’s all very well for Hetty to say Peacelily has no obligation, as although this is true Peacelily is a caring person who will find it difficult if not impossible to walk away as that is who she is.

Peacelily if you get the GP and community psychiatric team involved but make it very clear what you are prepared to do. They can liaise with your sister and put carers in as the need arises. Do not take on more than you can cope with.

This is a problem that is not going to go away.

But it can go away. The court can not force this onto the Op. it will be expensive. For her mother. OP will never be expected to pay a penny.

She does not have to subject herself to abuse for anyone.

As someone who works in the care sector can I ask you to have a think about what might happen if you don't agree to the POA while our mother still has capacity to agree to it? The point will come where her dementia progresses to the point that she cannot deal with her day to day financial affairs and a crisis arises. The only course of action then will be to ask the Court of Protection to appoint someone to manage her affairs. We had to do this with my MiL because she had serious mental health issues of another kind. It was expensive and time consuming to get (two medical reports, solicitor involved) the expectation of the court is that next of kin or close relative will be the "deputy" who will deal with financial affairs, this involves submitting full accounts every year and being checked on in a more rigorous way than an under a POA. If a professional - perhaps a solicitor- is appointed instead their full fees have to be paid, which is a really expensive way to get your finances managed.
This is a problem that is not going to go away. Could you not meet up in a business like way with your sister to talk through the options? AGE UK might be a useful contact for information and support. If you go ahead you also need to think about whether the POA should be for financial only or health and welfare too.
On a personal note I was joint POA with my brother for my mother. We do not get on and she left almost all her assets to him. My mother behaved appallingly to me, she once banned me from the county where she lived because I was too fat to visit or be seen by relations ( size 14) Everything I bought her or treat I arranged she moaned and complained about. My brother and I did manage to be joint attorneys in a civilised manner - much to my surprise.
Please get some advice and think through all the options, it can be one of those areas where you only have the choice between the devil and the deep blue sea.

Peacelily321, please bear in mind that she absolutely failed to protect you, so failed as a mother. You now have no obligation to help care for her.

To be honest I wouldn't focus to much on her current diagnosis. It sounds like she has been awful long before that.

OP you do actually have permission to leave her. If you feel some obligation or demand then it's not true. You are free. You don't have to suffer her anymore.

OP, if you have concerns that your mum already has dementia it might be appropriate for you to ask to see her GP on the grounds that you have safeguarding concerns. Explain what’s happening and voice any concerns you have about her fitness to understand the implications of an LPA and possibly get a referral for an assessment and diagnosis if dementia is suspected.

An LPA basically asks that the donor - the person for whom the LPA is being created - make stipulations about how they want their affairs handled once they have lost the capacity to make decisions for themselves. It’s a serious undertaking - the health and welfare part for example, can contain the donor’s instructions for treatment, care and end of life. LPA’s are split into two parts - health and welfare, and financial. You can create one or the other, or both, depending on the circumstances. The law is clear that the donor must possess the capacity to understand what they are doing at the time the LPA is created, signed, and registered. Once capacity is lost an LPA cannot be created and an application should be made to the Office of the Public Guardian for an independent guardian to be appointed instead.

This may at least slow down the process and give you thinking time, as well as involving a health professional so that all is above board - especially if you have concerns about your sister. It’s also worth noting that all witnesses to the donor’s signature are actually certifying that the signature is genuine, but that the donor has capacity and is not being coerced in any way. If it’s deemed that your mum may not have the capacity to understand the implications of an LPA an independently appointed guardian may simplify things for you.

It sounds like mum is well on the way to dementure, you havn’t said how much cash and assets are involved, if it was a large amount I think I would accept POA and accept any aggravation involved, a small amount or just day to day payments leave it to sister.
I know of gross misappropriation by some family members with POA, you just have to stand up to any criticism, it’s never easy.

Shandy57

Good point Pammiel, and I hadn't realised it was illegal. My aunt is 84 and her friend is the same age. My aunt noticed her friend was becoming more and more confused and she kept phoning her friend's estranged daughter to say she needed to come and help her mother.

She has finally turned up eighteen months later and is too late, her mother doesn't know who she is and calls her 'that woman'. The daughter asked my aunt to be present whilst her Mum signed the POA forms and it was extremely upsetting for my aunt. I wonder if the POA is linked to the GP and the date of diagnosis, and whether this will be deemed to be illegal as her friend definitely didn't understand what was going on.

It shouldn’t be linked to the date of diagnosis - someone can have a diagnosis of dementia and still have capacity. The stipulation is that the LPA should be drawn up and activated before the person loses capacity to understand what’s contained in it and the implications once they lose capacity. If the person is found not to have capacity then it’s too late for an LPA and an application should be made to the court of protection for an independent guardian to be appointed. The attorney also has to ensure that each decision they make is in the best interests of the person, and they also have to involve them in each decision as far as possible. Someone may have capacity to understand one day and not the next and it shouldn’t be assumed that they cannot make, or at least contribute to the decisions being made.

nanna8

I’d run a mile, certainly wouldn’t have anything to do with POA. She would probably turn round and accuse you of pinching her money. In fact I am sure she would and if she didn’t then your sister might. Smile and tell them you have too many problems and bad personality flaws that she has mentioned.

You can have POA for health and care without having it for finances.

Shandy57

Good point Pammiel, and I hadn't realised it was illegal. My aunt is 84 and her friend is the same age. My aunt noticed her friend was becoming more and more confused and she kept phoning her friend's estranged daughter to say she needed to come and help her mother.

She has finally turned up eighteen months later and is too late, her mother doesn't know who she is and calls her 'that woman'. The daughter asked my aunt to be present whilst her Mum signed the POA forms and it was extremely upsetting for my aunt. I wonder if the POA is linked to the GP and the date of diagnosis, and whether this will be deemed to be illegal as her friend definitely didn't understand what was going on.

I know here in Scotland someone in authority has to agree you are of sound mind before it is set up . This could be the solicitor stetting it up or a GP . I know of cases where the GP has blurred the rules just to get it set up for the patient as he knew it was all above board.