Charging family for Christmas lunch

freedomfromthepast

Goodness! M&S do lovely meals for one (and some farm shops do too!).

They should realise there comes a time when you just can't physically do it and younger family members can take over.

Chewbacca you make a good point which I did not take into consideration. I would not ask for a per person fee for a meal. If I needed it, I would ask for any contribution anyone could make. If someone did not, they would not be turned away.

I’ll also add, that in previous years, these same people have been to family Christmas meals and other meals, hosted by other family members (those they are inviting to them this year at a charge) without any charge imposed on them whatsoever, plus they’ve been given leftovers to take home, and happily accepted. Charging has never entered our heads, so where they’ve got the idea from, goodness knows, but they’ve got conveniently short memories regarding the freely given generosity of said family members to them.

Mapleleaf, we cross posted. my above post explains exactly what would happen if I chose not to host.

With my family, though, if I said to them that I could not afford to host, they would all pitch in without issue. They would rather help pay for the meal than to stop seeing each other for the holidays. But every family is different.

I am just trying to offer up a different viewpoint on the matter, that is all. Each family has to do what works for them.

I would still give them all the leftovers and not use them for another party. That is just uncouth.

The hosts need to cut their coat according to the cloth they have. If they can't afford to host, then don't. If guests offer to chip in with contributions, that's fine and I'm sure they'd be gratefully received but asking for cash payment, in order to attend, is crass and cheap. I'd not want to spend any part of my Christmas or any other time with people like this.

Septimia

I can see your point of view freedomfromthepast, but there are other ways of doing it if costs are becoming prohibitive. A shared meal is one, with everyone bringing a contribution. Or simply inviting fewer people.

We typically do a shared meal septimia. I still shoulder the most of the cost, which I do not mind doing.

Fewer guests may be a solution yes, but I know my family would never let me hear the end of it if I left someone out. I am then put into a situation where I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

Honestly, I can't please everyone. If I ask for a shared meal, someone will complain because I had the nerve to ask them to bring something. If I ask for money contribution, someone will complain about that. If I decrease my guest list size, that will upset someone else.

When I give up and stop hosting all together, everyone will sit back and complain and wonder what happened to having the family get togethers for the holidays and why don't we do that any longer.

When the cost of the meal, including guests bringing a dish, is = to the cost of a weeks groceries for a family of 4, decisions have to be made. I have not, in the 15 years I have been hosting, asked for financial contribution. I am just looking at it from a different viewpoint, one that is, unfortunately, going to be more common if inflation continues to grow where I am.

Is it deja vu or have we had this thread before, maybe a different poster.

I agree with GillT57 asking guests to bring dessert or wine etc is fine but asking for payment is crass.

We pay my mum every year. We used to all bring something along but not only is she a better cook, I think she prefers having it all under control.

She hosts every year and we all gladly throw the cash at her (not literally) because the food and drink from start to finish, is incredible.

I think it’s horses for courses. It’s an expensive day and we don’t want her to be out of pocket every year.

If we ever couldn’t pay though it’s not like we would be uninvited.

LauraNorderr

Never heard anything like it before. YANBU
Weird

When you lived in Australia, did people bring a dish to a buffet lunch or dinner? That seemed to me to be a good idea, particularly if someone is hosting large numbers.

I think that might just be acceptable here if it's a close family member, eg "Mum, do you mind bringing a pudding, you're so good at puddings"

But charging? Unless they're doing it for charity - No.

Not sure how “close” this family is. Am assuming they aren’t organizing a massive family reunion in a hotel? If not, and in a house, I wouldn’t go either. I’ve arranged many family Christmas dinners over the years and would not have expected anyone I invited to contribute for the meal ( anything they did contribute was entirely voluntary) IF any of them asked me for payment now, I wouldn’t say anything but would politely be engaged elsewhere ?

Well, to be honest, freedomfromthepast, I think if I was in your situation and finding it too expensive to host, I would say so and say I’m sorry but I can’t host it this year. Your family would surely understand, and if they didn’t, then really, that would be their problem, not yours.

The thing is, as a family, we have always contributed food or drink to family get together, including Christmas, so for example, someone would bring a trifle or other dessert, someone might bring cheese, another might pay for the meat, someone else brings wine, etc.

I think I just find their request to family to pay a set amount of money when said family voluntarily help them out with lots of things over the year, bizarre and a bit of a cheek, (especially charging their parents). If they really can’t afford it, then they shouldn’t offer in the first place, I feel.

They don’t have young children to consider, either.

Asking people to provide something specific such as wine or cheese or dessert is fair I think but asking for financial contributions is vulgar and crass to my mind

Goodness no, YANBU, and I certainly wouldn’t be going.

On the other hand, I’d always offer to take something towards the day - the pudding perhaps, or some nice Christmas crackers. As well as the usual bottle.

I think there's no harm in it if the hosts are upfront that they need contributions to the cost because they can't afford it all themselves.
If the hosts can afford it but choose not to, that's different.

YANBU I have heard of this before, but from a personal perspective, when I invite people to my house for lunch/dinner Christmas whatever, when they ask me "what shall I bring?" my reply is" just yourself/ves". Although most often they always bring something such as a bottle or even two, and that is what we do when going to others for a meal. I know when I was in Australia it seemed pretty common place for everyone to bring a dish. A good idea, that worked well when so often the entertaining was out of doors. Having said that I'd never ask for a contribution, I'd rather not host than do that.

It's difficult to believe that this situation is happening. I would hope that few would agree to take part in the meal but maybe several might decide to drop in on the 'hosts' with a sarcastic food parcel. (Cheap Christmas pudding, turkey twizzlers, oven chips?)

It’s outrageous, I wonder what the other family members they’ve invited are thinking!! They sound very mean spirited, I really don’t think I could stand being in their company.

I can see your point of view freedomfromthepast, but there are other ways of doing it if costs are becoming prohibitive. A shared meal is one, with everyone bringing a contribution. Or simply inviting fewer people.

I heard of something similar: a couple inviting guests to their wedding and charging them for the meal, as though it was a dinner dance. 'We are providing the venue and the disco' was their reasoning. Never heard if anyone went.
You are quite right to decline the invitation.

UNBELIEVABLE!! YANBU

I am usually the one who hosts family for holiday meals. I do not ask for payment, but this year I thought I might have to due to the costs involved. If prices go up like this again next year, everyone will need to pitch in. We make a good salary, but when I am looking at Christmas looming and the cost of the gifts for my kids also going up, I have to decide where the best use of my money is. I may have to decide between hosting and seeing family and ensuring my kids have gifts.

For our Thanksgiving this year, my out of pocket was nearly $300. That includes a FREE turkey my sister got from her work. On a typical year, my cost was around $100, including paying for the turkey.

I do not think asking to help with the cost of the meal is unreasonable. If I were a guest, I would ask how I could help contribute to the cost of the meal I am eating.

I do, however, think that planning to use the leftovers for a completely different party is unreasonable. They should be bagged and sent home with the people who helped pay for the meal.

Just a different viewpoint for consideration.

No * chewbacca*, I can assure you this is no wind up - I don’t do windups. It’s very real, and I think, pretty bad form on their part.

Didn’t realise there was a similar thread on mumsnet as I don’t do mumsnet. Seems like it’s quite a thing with some, then?

YANBU.
What a shame though that people think like this?
I used to host up to 25 family for the Christmas lunch and people brought treats and booze. MiL, especially, brought the pudding and brandy butter, BiL brought crackers.

They also brought fun and laughter, songs and stories.

I miss it and am finding this year, the second without DH and DFiL particularly strange. I have been invited to DS and DiL's.
They haven't asked for cash!

Good point about Food Hygiene, Chewbacca !

I'd be inclined to decline and to add "But I'll give the money to charity instead" !

The more I think about this, the more it annoys me! I have hosted Christmas dinners for decades. The last 20 years I regularly had eight or nine or more for a meal and then a buffet supper. I was a single parent and sometimes I was skint but I would never have asked for money from guests who I had invited. I think it's the height of cheek and bad manners.