AIBU to not disclose compensation

Heck ! I can assure you that my plquestion of AIBU is totally genuine, why on earth would i take time to write A B and C if i didnt want feedback ? Isnt that the whole purpose of Gransnet ? You might as well say that every mortal post is fabricated for the sole purpose of sympathy !!!!

I am not pensionable age, there is 10 years between myself and my husband. If i have joked about it, then all i can say is that considering it is the norm and considering i have 'put up' with it for 30+ years and had many rows over it, maybe joking about it is my personal way of dealing with it whilst at the same time being upset that this situation is taking place.

During our 49 year marriage DH and I always had a joint account. Either of us could sign cheques (remember them?) and authorise payments. It always worked for us and, when DH died, it made it much easier just to change the account to my name only.

We went through ups and downs but I don't think we would have survived any suggestion that some of the money was his alone.

Maggie Tulliver/Lucy Snowe/SinglePringle. I hope I'm wrong as I don't want to start distrusting everyone new, as I was a few months ago, but all the signs are there apart from the storyline. I feel I have been taken for a mug again.

Ooh, who’s the other poster, Getmanshepherdsmum? I tend to be easily taken in…..

So what's this really all about if things have always been like this and you're going to disclose the cheque? You now say there is 'nothing untoward or hidden'. That's not what you said at first. You seem to accept the financial situation and you even joke about it. The electricity account must be in your name if you've received the cheque, though as has already been said usually the electricity company would deal with this by issuing a credit against the account. Cheques are a bit old hat these days and I have no idea when I last received one. I may be getting paranoid, but is all this for real? It isn't a situation many of us would be joking about. You put me horribly in mind of another poster who's been having us on and getting loads of sympathy and advice. I quickly googled the benefits I imagine you're getting if under retirement age and they're three times the figure you're quoting. As your husband is getting the state pension perhaps you are too? An explanation would be appreciated before I get totally disillusioned.

Sorry, I missed that about it being a power cut refund despite having read the OP. By the time I posted that had slipped from my memory.

Those prolonged power cuts must have been horrendous for those who recently experienced them.

Thank you for all replies .

Barmeyoldbat that is sooooo funny hahahahahaha.

Right, well it has always been the way it has been and many many a row had evolved over it. I have yelled in his direction that its like living with Scrooge himself. Anyway, without going into great depth and all laid bear, i will just say that THIS is the norm and always has been the norm. There is nothing untoward or hidden, its plain and simple, it is what it is ànd i know that if roles were reversed, he would disclose the cheque immediately, so i am left feeling uncomfortable about whipping it away out of sight.

I might buy things that are needed for the house that way i won't feel as guilt ridden as i would if i sat in a hairdressers being pampered, if that makes sense .....

Grannynannywanny her cheque was compensation for her electricity being off for more than 24 hrs last month. Many of us went without electricity for days during a very cold spell and for people without any other form of power it was a very difficult time, believe me.

My feeling is that there’s a lot more to this relationship that needs looking at, than the question of one cheque. Obviously, we all have different ways of doing things, but this really does feel as if you are being controlled? Do you have friends outside the marriage?

£25 per week.. Really that's about £3.57 a day?
My question is why are you still with this tight wad..?
Original question.. Yes your money and for your own wellbeing see a Solicitor!
This this abuse, controlling behaviour.
Best of luck you need it.

Serendipidy
You do check your bank a/c, don’t you?

Apart from all the aforementioned points, do you know how the refund came about? In my experience it’s not likely for a utility company to provide a refund from an overpaid fuel account unless it has been requested. They prefer the money to remain in their account as credit towards future bills. Your husband may have requested the refund and be watching out for it.

You really need to find out why the cheque is in your name.

I would wave it under his nose and say it’s going into MYbank accounts but don’t tell him how much you got

M0nica

Legally, once you are married your assets and earnings are shared - or at least that is how a divorce court would see it.

I find it difficult to envisage how any marriage works where when one person becomes disabled, the other treats all the money coming into the household as 'theirs'. What about 'for better and worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health'?

However money is banked and physically managed in a family. If the underlying principle is not of a shared resource for a household, I would think the marriage was abusive.

My thoughts too.

As the bills come to you on your phone Serendipity you should be able to see, on there, if they are in your name or his.

My first thought was IF - IF the cheque was in your name who's name is the account in?

I'd be more worried about there being an account in my name that I didn't know about.

As these payments are usually to the Account Holder it would suggest to me that you are the Account Holder. So even if you OH pays the bills you may be responsible if for any reason he stops paying.

Yes, me too allsortsofbags

You need to Talk

You were very lucky being able to stay at home DiscoDancer and I truly envy someone who is able to be at home with their children. It still hurts even though my son is pushing 40! And you and your husband obviously worked things out very well between you and your contribution to the family and to his success was valued.
It would be interesting to know if OP has children and if her husband was perhaps a much higher wage earner than her to try to understand how this culture of financial secrecy came about. I am not high maintenance and don’t spend much on clothes nowadays but £200 a month for all your personal expenditure doesn’t sound much to me though I know that to some existing only on benefits or a state pension which has to cover everything it would be a fortune. Without knowing what income and savings the husband has it’s impossible to say if he’s being generous or mean. Certainly OP has to try to get disclosure of their financial position - if he were to suddenly die she needs to know if she would be ok or not. For all we know he might be gambling it all away.

No indeed!
He can't be allowed to get away with this!
She must put her foot down with a firm hand.

My first thought was IF - IF the cheque was in your name who's name is the account in?

I'd be more worried about there being an account in my name that I didn't know about.

As these payments are usually to the Account Holder it would suggest to me that you are the Account Holder. So even if you OH pays the bills you may be responsible if for any reason he stops paying.

With regard to your marital financial arrangements I'd want to know HOW you would be situated if anything happened to your OH where by he couldn't carry on as he is now.

What happens if he is taken ill be that short or long term? In the worst case what provisions are in place should he die before you?

I wouldn't feel very safe in such a set up.

As Hithere said you are in a Financially Abusive Marriage and if you doubt that do some research on line. Women's Aid has a good definition as do other sites.

So what you do with the compensation cheque is far less relevant than what you do about the bigger aspects of your financial safety and future.

Oh no! ??????????

Oh yes! A will leaving it all to someone else who hasn't had to put up with him.
That's a bitter pill.

What does he do/plan to do with all his savings? Has he made a Will?
??

I hope your home is in joint names.

Money can be a complicated resource. What works for one couple probably wouldn’t work for another. There’s not ‘one size fits all’ that's for sure.