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AIBU to not disclose compensation

(214 Posts)
Serendipity22 Wed 22-Dec-21 15:13:22

Ok, here goes. I will TRY and condense our 30 years financial situation into this 'brief' post. My husband and myself have always held separate bank accounts, more so his instigation to do so than mine. He has a number of pensions plus state pension plus an ample amount in bank.

I dont work due to having an autoimmune disease. Because i dont work my husband gives me £100 each month as 'spends' and he pays all bills.

I have, on numerous occasions said about having access to his savings, which considering we are husband and wife, i see the savings as OUR savings but no, i am met with an angry face and the predictable announcement that the savings in his bank are HIS life savings, in other words YOU'RE NOT GETTING YOUR HANDS ON IT !

So, today in the post is a compensation cheque for a power cut we experienced a couple weeks ago, for some strange and unknown reason the cheque is in MY name despite the fact my husband pays the bill !

So, AIBU to keep and shhhhhhh ?

LadyGracie Wed 22-Dec-21 15:18:24

I'd definitely keep it and say nothing!

Urmstongran Wed 22-Dec-21 15:18:59

Oh I’m not getting involved ha! Good luck with whatever you decide.

Just had a thought though. Won’t it show up on his utility statement as a credit for energy at that address?

My mother’s words come back to me as I’m writing ....
‘Oh what a tangled web we weave
When first we practice to deceive”

Elizabeth27 Wed 22-Dec-21 15:20:48

As he pays all the bills I suppose legally and morally it is his, he paid for the electricity he didn’t get.

However, I would keep it as it can’t be very much and he has enough.

Ilovecheese Wed 22-Dec-21 15:22:13

Keep it. If it shows up on your utility bill, tell him "This was MY CHEQUE IN MY NAME AND YOU ARE NOT GETTING YOUR HANDS ON IT"

welbeck Wed 22-Dec-21 15:22:55

of course. that's your cheque, made out to you as payee, so only you can bank it,
and as he says, you account are separate, so goose for the gander.
but if you are under state pension age, and unable to work, could you not claim employment support allowance, or whatever its called. to at least cover your national insurance contributions.
it can cause problems later if there is a gap.
by the way, what are you meant to pay for out of the generous pocket money which he allows you from what would be joint assets if you were to sue for divorce.

PinkCosmos Wed 22-Dec-21 15:23:11

Have you had financial issues in the past that would lead to him denying you access to 'his' savings.

I say this because my DH is financially irresponsible and does not have access to 'our' savings, which have actually been saved by me alone.

His income each month is higher than mine but he choses to spend rather than save.

Denying him access is the only way I can guarantee the savings don't disappear

welbeck Wed 22-Dec-21 15:25:21


As he pays all the bills I suppose legally and morally it is his, he paid for the electricity he didn’t get.

However, I would keep it as it can’t be very much and he has enough.

legally and morally ??
how do you work that one out.
they are married. the assets are assets of the marriage, whether he admits it or not.

MissAdventure Wed 22-Dec-21 15:26:00

I wouldn't keep it, not because I'm very noble, but because I'm sure it would show up somewhere along the line.

Riverwalk Wed 22-Dec-21 15:26:53

Have you deliberately set out to shock?

You've been married 30 years and your husband keeps all the savings in his name AND he 'gives' you £100 a month? shock

It's neither here nor there what you do with the cheque!

Serendipity22 Wed 22-Dec-21 15:26:57

Hahahahahahahaha, your replies are BRILLIANT.... hahahahaha.

½ of my feels really bad but then the other ½ feels WHY THE HECK NOT, HE HAS ABSOLUTELY AMPLE ( and plenty more )

Never thought of it showing up on the bill !!! Eeeeeeek.... but now i get my thinking cap on, the gas and electric bill cone to my phone via an app....

Yes OHHHH WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE ........( hahahahaha thats brilliant)

MerylStreep Wed 22-Dec-21 15:27:15

Are you saying you need more money per month or that you want more money per month because he has more than you in the bank.
It sounds like a very sad relationship if you have to be sneaky.

welbeck Wed 22-Dec-21 15:27:21

that's good point, pink cosmos.
but i doubt that is the case here.

Lucca Wed 22-Dec-21 15:30:38

Does he buy your clothes? Pay for hairdresser? Buy lunches out with friends ? Any activities you do ?
It all sounds a bit 1950’s to me….

Serendipity22 Wed 22-Dec-21 15:31:48

Riverwalk i apologies for shocking you and others ( haha oooops ) but i can assure you it is 100% true, i guess i am just used to it now, but periodic the annoyance does leap from its slumber sleep with a ROAR ..... but i can assure you, the ROAR causes absolutely no fear or change of heart..

Hithere Wed 22-Dec-21 15:31:55

This check is the tip of the iceberg

This a financially abusive marriage - what are you planning to do about it?

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 22-Dec-21 15:35:14

I kind of understand where he’s coming from if he’s been the sole breadwinner during your long marriage though a divorce court wouldn’t agree with me. I would find it very hard to think of money my husband earned and saved as ‘our’ savings. But that’s just me and I have always worked outside (as well as inside) the home. If he pays the electricity bill then in your position I would feel duty bound to hand over/disclose the cheque. I don’t believe in financial secrets between husband and wife, which before anyone leaps on those words isn’t a contradiction of what I said at the outset.

MissAdventure Wed 22-Dec-21 15:35:22

She's planning to nick his cheque.
We're just helping.

Serendipity22 Wed 22-Dec-21 15:35:52

MerylStreep no, i am not saying i need more money because a) i have a benefit allowance due to my illness and b) i am extremely careful what i spend my money on......

Yes, it does point in the direction of being sneaky i agree.... confused

Serendipity22 Wed 22-Dec-21 15:36:42



MissAdventure Wed 22-Dec-21 15:37:45

If you have to pay it into your bank then that could incur a handling charge for your trouble, perhaps?
A couple of thousand? Or one, even?

Serendipity22 Wed 22-Dec-21 15:39:49

Germanshepherds thank you for your reply. I used to work and contribute to the household bills then i became ill and could no longer work....

Serendipity22 Wed 22-Dec-21 15:43:23

Hahahahaha, its only a small amount ( the compensation check ) its not thousands, its less than £300.

I appreciate all your replies, i have to say that i am still toying with the idea to keep.

BlueBelle Wed 22-Dec-21 15:49:02

Your husband gives you £25 a week to live on !!!! You d barely get a monthly hair cut on that blimey he’s a tight wad but
you ve obviously accepted it and lived with it for a loooong time so that’s your choice
If it’s your name pay into your bank and don’t think twice, do you imagine he tells you about every penny
If this is the worst you’ve ever done, I wouldn’t beat yourself up too much, enjoy it, and buy yourself something lovely
I couldn’t bear with a capital BEAR to have my money eeeked out in such a mean mannered way I hope you doff your cap when you receive it each month

M0nica Wed 22-Dec-21 15:49:34

Legally, once you are married your assets and earnings are shared - or at least that is how a divorce court would see it.

I find it difficult to envisage how any marriage works where when one person becomes disabled, the other treats all the money coming into the household as 'theirs'. What about 'for better and worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health'?

However money is banked and physically managed in a family. If the underlying principle is not of a shared resource for a household, I would think the marriage was abusive.