Moved over 100 miles, AIBU

Moving near children is never a good idea Live life for you not for or through children or grandchildren

I am sorry that the move has not worked out for you and that your DD has been through such a difficult time.

It is always a risk when moving near to adult children that they might at some point move on for whatever reason, positive or negative.

Do you think that you can make social contacts in your new area and make a life for yourselves there? That would probably be the best route to go down; unless you really feel that settling there without your DD there is not an option for you; in which case trying to move back is the only option.

I wish you lots of luck with whatever you decide to do. And I hope that your DD can find a happier life for herself.

When my son and his wife told me that they were moving up north, some 200 miles from me (their existing house was just five miles away), I was obviously shocked and upset.

However, there were some very good reasons for this move. A few minutes after they let this bombshell fall, I went to their bathroom and gave myself a good talking to in the mirror.

It was NOT about me, but what is good for THEM. After about ten minutes I was able to return downstairs smilingly to tell them how happy I was for them and how much I supported them.

It is so important for people NOT to live their senior lives via their AC and g.children. I finally moved out of London, where I had lived all my life 150 miles away.
I have built a new social life here (despite problems of lockdowns, etc), Love all my AC, and get them to visit me as often as possibles and try to get to see them in their own homes at least twice a year.

Of course they are the most important things in my life, but do not expect them to take me into consideration when making any changes or moves in their lives.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, but nor do I think she is being unreasonable, I just think it’s an unfortunate situation. Perhaps you moving near gave her the impetus to take that very brave step and admit that she was living in an abusive relationship. You may have acted a catalyst to her without her even realising it.

The housing market is fairly brisk at the moment, is there any possibility of you looking for a bungalow in your previous area and so move to a more suitable property in your former area?

I know it is unsettling, but these things happen. We moved just round the corner to be near my Mum when she was very ill, but then had to move again out of area when the property became uninhabitable.

Whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck

Hi Daftbag1!
I am ashamed at some of the hurtful replies that you have received; where is the kindness that we all need right now.
For those who state that you must have known about your daughter's domestic violence, I can honestly say that a lot of domestic violence goes on behind closed doors and is well hidden and that is a fact. I only hope that you can see it as a positive step that your daughter has now separated and is living in a better place.
With regards to your move I can understand how hurt you must feel at moving to support your daughter only for her to move away; you are obviously caring and thoughtful parents.
2022 will not have started well for you but hopefully it will improve as the year progresses. I hope and pray that you can make the most of your new home and move forward with your lives.

Schumee

I don’t think calling someone a “daft bag” is very kind either

Oh dear - have you realised yet?

LynW

Schumee - Daftbag is poster’s user name. She chose to be known by this name. No-one is being unkind to her by calling her this!

She chose it because perhaps she thinks she has been a daft bag.

Daftbag I can assure you that you are not daft. You moved for the best of intentions but we can't predict what others will do.

You must do what is right for you and your DH now, whether stay there and make a life in your new home or move back to where you were settled.

Good luck.

We will continue to support our daughter and her children, and protect her as much as possible. It's hard at the moment because she is making poor decisions and all we can try to do is make her aware of her options.
We understand her need to move away, but we have tried to think of other options for her. The area she is currently wanting to move to is the town where my violent ex husband lives (not her father). But is where her boyfriend lives.
Statistically it's unusual for such relationships to work out, and there are many reasons why it won't.. if they split up. She will be in a location where she has no support.
We have suggested other areas near to boyfriend where she has a support networknot just for herself but for her children.
In addition the children want to maintain contact with their father
Did we really not know that things were bad in the marriage. In a way we did. We hated his manner of Micro managing our daughter and the children. We had had concerns as to our daughters welfare on occasions but when we asked her about it she would laugh it off.
She had post natal depression after the birth of her oldest child, but she wasn't easy to talk to and my mother had a stroke and was admitted to intensive care for 3 months so we probably didn't pry enough.
We noticed that her mood was much lighter when he was in Afghanistan, but again we didn't perhaps pry enough. I was aware that she was VERY (and understandably),unhappy after having a miscarriage. It was an unplanned pregnancy, but our daughter was devastated. Her husband had the snip 3 weeks later, only telling her afterwards.

As for us, I have an appointment with a support worker who focuses on enabling people to access services, and social and learning opportunities, so we will do our best to settle here

I feel sorry for you and your predicament but hope this new relationship works out for your daughter and grandchildren. Sounds like she has had a tough time. She could be rushing things and if it doesn’t work out end up coming back to be nearer to-you, in the meantime you have to try and make the most of the situation, hard as it will be. If things seem like they are working out for her with this man in the new location you could consider moving back to your old area, although I realise keep moving is stressful it might be for the best. Good luck.

Schumee - Daftbag is poster’s user name. She chose to be known by this name. No-one is being unkind to her by calling her this!

Mummer

So sorry about your predicament. He sounds as if she's desperate to be 'with' someone-anyine rather than on her own with GK? Why is that I wonder? It's a sorry state of affairs and I would just concentrate on GK and anything you can do to help them. Leave her to it! I'd really consider debunking to former area for support of those you know? Lesson to be learned? You cannot rely on others to make your life liveable.neither you nor she.

#SHE sounds!!!!

So sorry about your predicament. He sounds as if she's desperate to be 'with' someone-anyine rather than on her own with GK? Why is that I wonder? It's a sorry state of affairs and I would just concentrate on GK and anything you can do to help them. Leave her to it! I'd really consider debunking to former area for support of those you know? Lesson to be learned? You cannot rely on others to make your life liveable.neither you nor she.

You should never follow your children as this is what can happen. I do feel for you though but sadly she's an adult and can do as she pleases.

apologies to poster, i put the comment in the wrong place, sorry.

Whether or not this is a new relationship for your daughter, you have no right to expect her not to move on from an abusive relationship. If this involves moving to a different area then so be it. It’s her life, she’s an adult and must be allowed to make her own decisions. Having said that, I can empathise with your dread of being further away. My daughter moved to NZ with her partner. Now that really is a long way!

was it moving back to what is familiar, or is it the whole content of my post?

A lesson to us all. We have to move on with our lives whilst our children lead theirs. We have contact but don’t live our lives around them. Love them dearly but know in our hearts the minute they leave home they make their own decisions for themselves not us.

I don’t think calling someone a “daft bag” is very kind either

My heart goes out to this couple for moving to be near their daughter and family. Great wise words are being offered but I know from experience it does not help to say situations may change, hindsight too is a great thing!. I have done exactly the same thing but twice and I am known as a sensible woman, well that’s not true, doing it twice ? pure stupidity. So salvage what you can and put in for a swap in an area of your choice, from now on think of only you. The grandchildren will grow up and will visit when they are older. Plus you can travel to see them as regular as you can. Good luck.

I sort of moved to be nearer my children, but I made sure I wanted to be in that area ( not so far from where I grew up) and feel at home there. We chose a suitable property, near to doctors, public transport, shops, library etc. It is really important to consider one’s own long term future needs, not just those of the adult children. If my daughter moves away, I shall be really sad of course, but she must do what is best for her. I hope you can see this too.

There are some hard hearted Hannahs on this site. I am new but have already noticed how direct and lacking in empathy a lot of the posts are. I know we have to stay real and constructive but a bit of kindness wouldn't go amiss.

We must never pin our lives on those of others.
Nobody likes to feel beholden to another.
No matter how much we may love them and they us.
Offer love, understanding and independence both ways.

Of course YABU! Your daughter needs to find her own happy life. That should be her priority. She will be near enough to come to you in an emergency and to see you for visits throughout the year. It is not her job to care for you or to live in a location that suits you.

There's always a risk in moving to be nearer our children. It's hard to uproot from somewhere familiar where you've been for many years and start again. We did it, but accepted from the outset that a) they could always move again because of jobs and b) it had to be a house and area that suited us. I made it clear to our daughter that this will be our last move, and if they did move again, we will not be following them. It's actually been really exciting to move to a different area and live in a different type of house, swapping a 17th century cottage for a modern house with a much smaller garden. We can all only do what seems right at the time, as you did. Your daughter has a second chance at happiness, which she is grabbing with both hands. It may or may not work out, but that is not the point at issue here. You are only 60, you have an opportunity to engage with local people and events, and make a new life for yourselves. I understand you're disappointed but it's never a good idea to try and live life through our children. Hopefully more things will be open soon as the better weather comes. I hope you find lots of things you like about your new area, and it sounds like you have a lovely bungalow which is something lots of people would love to have. I think a more positive attitude is needed. You can't change what's happened, be joyful that your daughter has got away from an abuser.

If you do decide you cannot make a go of your social life from your recently purchased bungalow i think you sould consider moving into some kind of sheltered housing with good access to shops, public transport, and facilities such as GP practice and post office.

This is a locator of local housing platform see below.

lin.housingcare.org/housing-care/search.aspx