Elderly Mother + Family Event

if mum has Capacity and is given all the facts she should be allowed to make her own decisions

maddyone you're so right.
My husband was quite shocked how much mobility his mum's lost recently. He was struggling to get her up out of a chair but he has no experience of manual handling and quite frankly wasn't doing it correctly.
I've had experience in hospital and a care setting, plus the relevant training, and when I intervened it was actually quite straightforward.

It is a mutual decision, and has to be a realistic one for everyone. It definitely is not just the elderly persons decision alone, nor is it for the AC to make. All parties have yo be realistic about what can be managed that will work for everyone!

Bit if she doesn't go it shouldn't be because it might tire her a per se!

What maddyone said

Allsorts

If it were me, I would go, we have to live and enjoy the moment whatever your age. It’s her decision..

This is simply wrong, it’s not the elderly person’s decision alone unless she can arrange everything herself completely independently. If she is relying on others to transport, take care, lift her out of chairs, accompany her to the toilet, lift and push a wheelchair etc then it is also the decision of the carers and their ability to provide the level of care she needs. I’m amazed that many people can’t see this, clearly they’ve not had caring responsibilities ever for elderly people. It’s actually unbelievable that people in our age group can’t see the difficulties and the responsibilities. Why do you think there are so many care homes? It’s because people who live to 90+ need a level of care that their children, already in their 60s or 70s simply cannot provide.

Thank you so much Maddyone ?

I think that some of the slight differences of opinion on here depend rather on the quality of the relationship.
Although I had on the whole, a good relationship with my mum, she could be manipulative and it was very difficult to have an honest conversation about such circumstances.
For instance, she often tried to get me to take her places that I felt were not a good use of my precious time off work / away from family. It took a row for her to admit how much she hated taxis and felt vulnerable in them. Although it didn't make much difference, I was at least able to say 'I know you hate getting a taxi....' instead of 'Why don't you just get a taxi?' in an exasperated tome!

Sounds as if MissAdventure and her family had a more open relationship. After my mum died, and my dad became frail, we were able to have very honest talks about what he wanted and what support I could offer.

This discussion has highlighted the need for clarity.

f77ms

MissAdventure

Its entirely her choice.
I would not want other people deciding what was good or bad for me, and making decisions on the basis of that.

If your mum gets mobility allowance, use that to get what help or lifts she may need, if you're unable to do all, or part of the journey with her.

Afraid to say that no one gets mobility allowance over 65. The government deemvthat mobility issues are natural aging after this age! I've just tried to get it and was told this.

I’m 69 and receive motability allowance and have done for 10 years or so . You need to claim it before your 60th birthday because you cannot claim after 60 years old .
As regards to the elderly mother , surely it’s her choice if she would like to go , only she knows how she really feels about it , as previous posters have said , life is for living not just existing , we’ve already wasted 2 years of our lives in lockdown.
I certainly wouldn’t want my children , or anyone else for that matter , making choices for me later in life if I’m capable of making them myself . Make arrangements to take her , let her enjoy the moments , let her feel alive , be happy for her , life is too short for regrets .

For starters ask your Mum what she wants. Then could you and perhaps the carers do a quick reccy of the venue and where you would stay? See if you need to find an alternative. Much though she might like to go, you need to be realistic. Tend to agree with the more negative posters here. Especially as I worked in a Care Home for 5 years, and saw the struggles many relatives had coping with just one day.

If it were me, I would go, we have to live and enjoy the moment whatever your age. It’s her decision..

Hithere

Agree, agree.

If there is 1 thing that worries me about the future, its that i will become a burden for my daughter, she works full time and has 4 children. That is something i absolutely dread, but what possible avoidance can there be !!! BUT I KNOW THIS ISNT THE PLACE TO DISCUSS ALL THAT...

Appologies for leaping in......

MissAdventure

Its entirely her choice.
I would not want other people deciding what was good or bad for me, and making decisions on the basis of that.

If your mum gets mobility allowance, use that to get what help or lifts she may need, if you're unable to do all, or part of the journey with her.

Afraid to say that no one gets mobility allowance over 65. The government deemvthat mobility issues are natural aging after this age! I've just tried to get it and was told this.

It's the Ops mother's decision whether she attends however the Ops right to decide what she does or does not do with regard to facilitating the visit and providing care and the rights of a carer are enshrined in law!

Sadly this sandwich situation will continue in the future, aggravated by generational differences.

We're called the sandwich generation

None of our four parents ever looked after their parents at all. The parents lived at home until they either died or went into care. My mother lost her father when she was 30 and her mother when she was 56. Her mother spent her last five years in in a care home, so my mother gave no care at all except visiting, after she was 51 years old. It’s vastly different when the surviving parent is 94, almost totally immobile, and can do little for herself apart from feed herself. For a person who feels that writing a few Christmas cards is too much for her, how can she possibly be fit enough to go out to functions, without knowing the level of disability provision at the venue?
So you’re right V3ra, in that many people gave little or no care to elderly parents because they died before reaching the great ages that many people now reach. It now frequently falls on people who are in their sixties and seventies to look after people in their nineties. Many of the people who look after the very old are quite old themselves and often have conditions and disabilities of their own. They are also often looking after grandchildren too. The best they can do is consider the needs of everyone, and they absolutely should not try to do everything and in doing so, ruin their own health and retirement.

My husband and I have two elderly parents who are both becoming harder to take away with us.
We've had the 94 year old with us, here at home for three nights and then away for four nights, over New Year.
She brought her mobility aids with her ie wheelchair, walker, raised seat toilet frame. I'd booked the disabled room for her over New Year.
We went as a big family group on an afternoon outing to a National Trust property, she really enjoyed herself and was very pleased and grateful to have been included.

However, we've got a four night trip to London booked for June which I don't consider suitable for the 91 year old (who is actually far more able-bodied than the 94 year old). Lots of walking and steps for a start!
I've explained that I'm not inviting him, and why. He was quite put-out but I know from experience it would be a struggle for him and therefore unenjoyable for all of us.

I think you have to do a thorough common-sense risk assessment and decide each event on a case by case basis.

It's hard not to feel guilty sometimes as we've all done a lot together over the years, but I can't always restrict my life to their diminishing levels of ability.
We do have a holiday booked for April with both of them, to a place we've been before and we know is suitable.
I have to remind myself, they never took their own elderly parents on holiday anywhere!

Is there any way that the journey could be taken in stages or maybe that she arrives the day before, so stays over for 2 nights instead of just the night over the event ?
She may well enjoy the event and you can always make sure that she has a quiet time once she returns home.

Is the pandemic over then?

Just talk to your Mum and see what she thinks. We had to stop taking MIL to family events, it turned out she didn’t enjoy them. She dislikes the noise and energy of children, doesn’t hear too well and couldn’t follow conversations, couldn’t nap when she needed too and now doesn’t enjoy too much company. She prefers individual visits with just one child.

A brilliant idea to hire a carer for a couple of days to help out and allow you to enjoy the event too. Good luck.

Hats off to all you who have had past experience or still experience the day to day care of a loved one due to their incapacity, whatever the circumstances.
I have been in a caring role for both my parents and had to support them whilst they made decisions on going to events. Realistically and fairly it is important to help them to make an informed decision.
To those of you who have now lost their loved ones, I feel for you, I understand your loss and I find it hurtful for some to pass judgement when they haven't experienced it for themselves.
Before you pass comment, before you judge, stop and think....put yourself in someone else's situation. I've cleared faeces from the back seat of my car, I've had to make unplanned stops for refreshments, I've done excursions at someone else's request and I've driven long hours and many miles......even after a shift at work......because I loved my mum and dad. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat!! !!

Each person is different and must be handled accordingly and only those who know them well can determine what is best for that individual. Its such a sad situation because the elderly loved one wants to be included in family occasions, as they always have been, but situations change along the way which makes what was once a no brainer, now it is a very difficult and upsetting problem.

Thank you MissAdventure.

Coconut
I arranged a number of flights for my mother, so she could return home after I drove her down to visit us. Now she lives near us, but she hasn’t always. The airlines provide disability care, they take the elderly person in a wheelchair, there are special places where the person in wheelchair is lifted into the plane. The same at the other end, it’s a wonderful service. However the person must be able to get out of their wheelchair and into a seat on the plane.
Have a good trip.