Elderly Mother + Family Event

If she is very elderly she has nothing to lose personally by enjoying a family event. She has to live till she dies; and not enjoying these tings is barely living really.

All you can do is wish her well and hope that it does not increase her need for care when she returns.

It sounds like a lovely treat for her. There are probably few of those left for her.

Ask her if she wants to go and don't try to put her off with your own worries and concerns.

I agree with Luckygirl3. I'd hate to miss out on things that would increase my emotional/mental wellbeing simply because I'd got old and frail. Not to enjoy these things would be just existing, not living.

I do appreciate what you say "it comes at a very busy time with other commitments for some of us that live locally so should she require further support it would be very challenging" but have you thought of asking for assistance, should that arise, from your local Social Work Department, or her GP, who could perhaps arrange temporary - or if you asked, even permanent - care in her own home?

Of course, just now with Covid, it's more difficult as so many care staff and community workers are off isolating, but they are still there for any emergency.

Personally, I think you have to separate out the 2 issues.
1. The decision about going is really hers to make (assuming she is of sound mind)
2. The decision about whether you can support her in doing so is yours / others involved.

I know this is not easy - but I did have to say to my m other in such circumstances "I cannot manage xxxx, which is a shame because I know how much you would like to go". This caused upsets because my mum wanted to pretend that she didn't need my help, and we were going because I wanted to!

If you have an easy-going relationship, you might be able to say "If it is important to you, then I can re-arrange some commitments, but then I might not be able to help with with [something else]

Good luck

There is no point living for the sake of living in my view! Family events like this can make life worth living for an older person, regardless of tiredness or whatever.

So if she wants to go that is her decision and she should go ...IF someone is able to take her and bring her back as well as do other things in their life etc. She has to accept if that is not possible or she has to accept alternative help - either to get there OR afterwards.

Nannarose has made some good suggestions.

How does your Mum feel about it? I take it she is frail physically and not mentally? Since she is 'elderly' (could be me!) could the trip not be turned into a mini break by including a couple of cheapie stopovers (Travelodge?) thus reducing the daily time in the car. Fact is the elderly tend to REALLY enjoy family get togethers and, let's face it, their opportunities tend to be few and far between these days. I would suggest\request you indulge her no matter how inconvenient it is to you and your sisters. If you have a truly loving relationship with her, just ask her what she wants to do. I've always thought that those of us who are mentally and physically able somehow find a way to do the things we REALLY want to do.

Its entirely her choice.
I would not want other people deciding what was good or bad for me, and making decisions on the basis of that.

If your mum gets mobility allowance, use that to get what help or lifts she may need, if you're unable to do all, or part of the journey with her.

My thoughts are that if your mum would like to go then as others have said please take her. If its family you can catch up with them too. There won’t be many opportunities fir her to do this again if she is frail, so as ilovecheese says, just ask her without putting her off with your worries.
I took my frail mum with early dementia, abroad fir 5 days, to see her sister and family. It brought them both such joy and I am so pleased I did as it was the last time they met.

Quality of life is more important than longevity, she cannot sit in and wait to die.

Perhaps suggesting a hired carer for additional support, financed by the family that lives away would help?

When is the event? Covid is a huge redflag that is not mentioned at all
What does your mother want to do?

If those relatives want her at the event so bad, they can pick her up, take care of her needs, etc

You do what is best for her and you

I think it's not totally her decision, since it will take efforts by several family members to make the trip smooth for your mum. But I think every effort should be made to include her, and the family recruited to make it as seamless as possible for her.

We travelled with elderly MIL to family events (weddings and reunions) by both car and plane several times. She was using a walker at the time, but could not walk long distances, so we rented a wheelchair at the destination for ease.

You do not say how mobile she is, or what her personal care needs are. If she is in a walker/wheelchair, plan a break in the drive at a location where there is a wheelchair friendly restroom. They are often advertised, and most restaurants these days are wheelchair friendly. Same with a hotel near the event. Can you find a hotel with a suite; as in two separate bedrooms, so you or a family member can share? We did this with MIL. At the event, she will most likely have a lot of fun and not want to leave early, but if she does, arrange so someone can take her back to her room early if need be.

I wouldn't be worried about exhausting her energy. If anything, having something planned will give her a lift, something to look forward to, give her a chance to see people she hasn't seem for a while, and create fond memories for her.

Take lots of photos and make a little photo book of the event so she can look back on it, since there may be a lot to take in at the time.

I’m afraid I disagree with many of the posts. You have to consider her needs and your needs. So, can she be transported safely and is her transportation safe for you? Does she need a wheelchair? Can it go in the car and can she get in and out of the car safely? Can she get out of the wheelchair independently or do you need to haul her out, nearly putting your back out in the process? Can she sit in a normal chair or does she need a raised chair and if she does, is one available? Can she get out of the chair or do you need to haul her out, nearly putting your back out in the process. Is the venue accessible? Does she need the venue to be accessible? What about toilet facilities? Is she independently able to go to the toilet? Does she need assistance in the toilet? Is there somewhere to lie down or rest if she gets tired?
Don’t forget it’s also a family event for you. If you are reduced to the role of carer will you be able to enjoy the event? There’s a lot to consider before you agree to the role of carer for a frail, elderly person for two days and one night.

Portmeanne, it seems to me that now is not the time. If it were Summer, if Covid infections were low, the event outdoors - then maybe it would be sensible - but not right now, too risky!

It's outrageous to decide in someone else's behalf what risks they're "allowed" to take.

When my husband was terminally ill and living in a nursing home he really enjoyed any outings we could manage. He was a paraplegic and strapped into a large tilt in space wheelchair by this time so as you can imagine it wasn't easy but we managed.

Each outing wore him out but he got so much pleasure and enjoyment that we practically moved heaven and earth to take him out now and again.

Similarly when he was dying I called all his friends to let them know so they could choose whether or not to pay him one last visit to say their goodbyes. By this time he was completely bed ridden. Each visit wiped him out but he got so much pleasure from them. Sometimes he would fall asleep whilst his visitors were there but they understood and would go for a coffee and a bite to eat and just drop in again for another few minutes before heading off home.

You don't say much about your mums mobility, just that she is frail and tires easily. I am sure that if you take the journey in easy stages it could be managed. She could sleep and rest in the car if you make her warm and comfortable. Instead of just one overnight stay on the day perhaps travel up the day before so she could get a good nights rest before the event.

I think you might regret denying her the opportunity to see family, especially as she has probably been isolating off and on for the last two years. And without being too blunt perhaps this could be her last chance. Maybe in her heart she knows this could well be her final goodbye to them.

You don't actually say when the event takes place, if it's within the next few weeks then obviously you need to take covid into account. However, if it's later in the spring then you have more time to work out a plan of action.

My advice is don't try and do it all yourself. Ask others to give you a helping hand.

I think maddyone raises some very good points. It’s all very well saying that mum should go and be part of the family event, but the care and responsibility often falls on others, not those doing the inviting.

Hmmmm, are some of the family close enough to know precisely how it would affect your mum ?

I mean, ppl who look in from a distance have no concept of A B and C and the elderly believe ( as we all do actually ) that we can do X Y and Z still when really, we can not. I used to take my mum and her wheelchair everywhere for the simple fact, i KNEW 100% how she would be ( i have no siblings so i had no one saying otherwise ) she came with us on 2 cruises, South of France 4 times, she was by my side all over the place, BUT only because I knew she absolutely revelled in it all and most importantly, she could manage the places we went to.

I would express your concerns to the ones who are saying otherwise, thats all you can do, you dont want it to turn into a fall out with anyone but you do have a right to air your concerns.

1 thing you dont want is - regrets.

THAT is an absolute HUGE HUGE burden to bare.

I hope everything turns out really good for you, for your precious mum..

MissAdventure

It's outrageous to decide in someone else's behalf what risks they're "allowed" to take.

It’s not a matter of deciding what risks other people are allowed to take, it’s more a matter of deciding whether you can take the risks for yourself. Can you lift a heavy wheelchair into your boot, are you strong enough to catch the person if they fall, and can you get someone out of a chair if they are unable to get out themselves? I declined to take my mother out of her care home this Christmas. She cannot get in or out of a car and needs a taxi which can carry her in a wheelchair. She cannot get out of her wheelchair without two strong people almost lifting her out. She cannot get out of a normal easy chair without two strong people almost lifting her out. She can’t get off a dining chair without one person almost lifting her off it. She cannot use a toilet unless it has disability supports and she most certainly cannot walk into a toilet cubicle and turn herself around in order to sit down on the toilet. She gets tired very easily and most certainly cannot manage stairs in order to go and have a lie down. She spends most of her life in bed, she is 94 years old, and her mobility is extremely poor. She has help to go to the bathroom in her care home as she cannot manage it alone. This is in a purpose built care home, how on earth could she manage in a normal home?
Of course risks must be assessed! It’s not outrageous at all, it’s common sense.

If your mum wants to go and she is able to understand how it might make her feel then that is her decision. It is entirely wrong to assume total responsibility for an older adult if they are still compas mentis. My elderly and poorly dad attended my elder son’s wedding which was a three day affair and we hired a live in carer for him for the duration. It worked well. I’m glad he was there.

The mother lives alone, presumably managing with help, be that a little or a lot.
All the op has expressed is that such events take a lot out of her mum. (Meaning mum attends them)
So yes, I still think it outrageous to reduce an adult to being treated like a child.

I'm with maddyone on this, having been in the same situation ourselves, being invited to a family event, along with my father. My father lived alone, with only a little help from a daily care team, as he was fiercely independent. However, just because he lived independently, in his own home, didn't mean that it was easy for him to attend a family event. The logistics of it all were a nightmare ... for me! He sometimes lost his balance, and had nasty falls. He walked with a crutch, and struggled to get up/down stairs (we had a stairlift installed for him). He didn't handle long car rides well. He tired easily, and sometimes felt dizzy and would need to lie down. Whenever we took him out/to a restaurant, I was constantly on edge, not knowing if the chair would be right for him to be comfortable, and I would need to follow him to the toilet for fear that he would lose his balance ... although he always insisted that I didn't need to, but we've had too many trips back and forth to hospital to know otherwise! If there were any stairs to navigate, it was a nightmare. He always insisted he could manage, but it was me who always had the stress, worrying about him, and was never able to enjoy the occasion.

Our family event was a 2 hour car journey to a countryside location. We had to stay overnight, but the only hotel available close to the venue didn't have a lift, and the bathrooms didn't have a walk-in shower (impossible for my dad to get into a bath!). At the venue (a large converted barn), the welcome drinks were held in an upstairs lounge/bar area, with very little seating, and the toilets were all upstairs too (no lift). The dinner/evening entertainment was held downstairs, in the main barn. We had transport arranged to/from the hotel/venue. Had my father needed to leave early, getting a taxi to the remote location would've been difficult.

The OP states that her mother is frail, and she tires easily. She also states that she, and her siblings, provide most of her care, so one would assume that she needs help of some sort. With a long car journey, and an overnight stay in an unfamiliar hotel, I would say that the logistics of everything need to be taken into consideration. It is not just a simple matter of whether or not her mother would like to go to the event, or whether certain family members think she should go. The onus lies with whoever will have to make all of the travel/accommodation arrangements, and take care for her mother during the event, and that person will possibly not be able to enjoy the occasion themselves, due the stress it involves.

I never suggested to my father that he shouldn't attend our family event. On the contrary, I reserved a hotel room for him, and made all of the arrangements to take him with us. However, at some point before the event, he did decide for himself that realistically it would be too much for him, and declined the invite at the last minute. Having attended the event, I can say that it would've been a logistical nightmare for him ... and me!

Portmeanne, I would advise you to take everything into consideration. How much help does your mother require? Is she able to stand, if required. Is there somewhere she can sit/rest comfortably if she's feeling tired? Is the event going to be noisy (wedding?), and she prefers peace & quiet? Would she need assistance getting to the toilets ... where are they located? Can she easily get back to the hotel alone if need be, or will someone have to go with her (you?), and miss the rest of the event?

MissAdventure, I don't think it's a matter of it being outrageous and reducing an adult to being treated like a child. It's simply about being realistic. Unless people are in the same situation, or have experienced the same, it's very easy to assume that others are being selfish, and only thinking about themselves, and not their elderly relatives. I loved my father dearly, and would've done anything for him, but I also knew his capabilities, sometimes better than himself ... or rather, he wouldn't admit when something was too much for him. Of course, if the OPs mother can attend the event, and it doesn't cause any stress/problems to others, then by all means she should attend.

Good post Nansnet.

Portmeanne, just another thought. I'm sure you wouldn't want to tell your mother she can't go. It would be so easy to simply take her with you, and hope for the best.

However, I think the best thing to do would be to find out as much as you can about the hotel, and the venue where the event is being held ...
Can you get her a room next to yours at the hotel?
Is there a walk-in shower, if she needs that?
Is there a lift at the hotel, and at the venue?
What are the seating arrangements ... will she be comfortable sitting on a chair/at a table for hours?
Will there be any comfortable seating/sofas where she would be able to relax?
If the event is a wedding, there will more than likely be lots of loud music & dancing later in the evening ... is she up to listening to all of that, and to be out until late into the night? And, if she needs to go back to the hotel earlier, can you easily get her a taxi, and would you be happy for her to go alone, or would you, or someone else have to go with her, and miss the rest of the evening with your family?

I'm sure you know what your mother is capable of, and once you have all of the information, you can put the all facts to her and ask if she really feels that she's up to it. If you don't think she is, then tell her your concerns, but if she does insist that she'll be OK, you need to point out to your siblings, or whoever else is telling you she should go, that they will also need to step-up and help out with the care of your mother. It wouldn't be fair for you otherwise.