Elderly Mother + Family Event

Towards the end of her life my mother was very frail and although we all wanted to keep her safe and cosseted we realised that she really enjoyed any sort of social outing and we therefore made sure that she did attend family events. If we had stopped doing this I think she would have been in danger of becoming depressed. Even though she always ended up tired, going out also boosted her spirits a little. We all need things to look forward to and if you can all work together to make her trip run as smoothly as possible I think she should go.

It isnt a judgement, maddy.
It's just a difference of opinion.

MissAdventure

I dealt with a frail elderly mother. Just me and my daughter.

You are also basing your answer on personal experience. I would say to you walk a mile in my shoes.

Then you will understand the difficulties.

I’m beginning to think many posters don’t have the first idea about looking after a 94 year old. The OP is asking for advice, I have given her advice based on years of looking after an elderly parent, most posters seem unable to grasp the difficulties in this.

You are basing all of this on your own circumstances, maddy.
How can I possibly answer, because we aren't talking about your mum.
We are talking about somebody different, in different circumstances.

My son no:2 has just moved to Jersey and has asked my 92 year old mum if she’d like to visit. She really wants to and I will bring her out here in the Spring .... however it’s going to be a logistical nightmare getting her out here with wheelchair, Zimmer, airport assistance etc I fly back home later today so I’m going to make some enquiries at the airport as to what help is available. She’s quite demanding too, must eat at certain times, and dictates where we should go etc so watch this space ?

My mother is 94. It’s vastly different dealing with a 94 year old, even than dealing with a slightly younger elderly parent. Even when she still lived at home we did all her washing, all her shopping, took her to all of her many medical appointments, and until six months ago we took mother to all family events. After three falls in the last year, and hospitalisations, and now living in a care home, I am no longer prepared to take her out because it’s a risk to her, and a risk to me.

MissAdventure please address the point I raised, where are my rights and my husband’s rights to remain well in all of all this?

I lost my mother when I was 6. My father died in his 60s but it was a very short illness so no opportunity to look after him. It’s easy for me to say but I only wish I had them in my life for longer. I would have done anything for them. I have some idea of the caring role as I helped to look after my FIL and Mil. MiL lived with me for a short while. Yes it was hard work. If you plan in advance and get as much help from others as is possible please make this happen for your Mum.

Ffion please don’t feel guilty about your father. You did everything you could whilst he was alive.

I dealt with a frail elderly mother.
Just me and my daughter.

Excellent posts Nansnet. People who glibly tell the OP that the frail and elderly mother should decide for herself have clearly never dealt with a frail, elderly parent who simply cannot manage life any longer without special aids and carers doing everything for them. My mother cannot manage her toilet needs independently any longer, despite living in a purpose built care home with purpose built en-suite bathrooms. She needs a carer to help her, support her, clean her, and settle her back into bed, or her raised easy chair. The last time we took her out, to our son’s house, was a nightmare for us. She couldn’t lift her foot the couple of inches required to get over the one step at the door. It took my son and my husband to lift her out of the easy chair she sat in. Luckily it was a short visit and she didn’t need the toilet. I’m 68 and my husband is 69. We are ourselves too old to be lifting her, she’s not a lightweight, she weighs nearly 13 stone. If I had agreed, my mother would have gone with us to our son’s house on Christmas Day. I make the decision, supported by my husband, that I’m no longer able to take full responsibility for her safety outside of her home, except to take her for a walk in her wheelchair around the local area. I have to take my husband with me though as I’m unable to push her in her wheelchair because I have arthritis in my hands and pushing the chair causes me pain, and I have suffered from sciatica in the past, and the last time I pushed her in her chair I put my back out and suffered sciatic pain for the next week. So MissAdventure where are my rights and my husband’s rights to remain well in all of this. Or do the rights of my mother trump anyone else’s rights?

OP, I suggest you do some research about the venue. Find out what the situation is and if your mother would be safe and comfortable. Consider yourself too. How will you manage to meet mother’s needs? You know her level of frailty, no one else on here does. You know what she can manage, but no one else on here does. Also, please consider yourself and your own right to enjoy the event. Your mother is old and has lived a long life. You are an older adult yourself and you must consider your own needs and abilities. If you cannot manage your mother’s needs on this occasion, please do not feel guilty. Just enjoy the occasion, knowing you provide good care for your elderly mother at home.

Maddyone, I agree with you. My father who was 92 when he died, was determined to go places and we supported him as much as we could. Everyone thought he was wonderful for wanting to do things and go places. It took it’s toll on me, physically and mentally, and two years after he died I still have feelings of guilt that I could have done more. The main issues were toileting ones and accessibility. We planned on paying for carers so he could attend my daughter’s wedding or at least part of it but, sadly, he died a few months before it. It’s a difficult one but please watch your own physical and mental health and whatever you do, don’t feel guilty!

As an 'Elderly' etc. Mum - but (I think) was all my mental capacity - I feel it should be my decision as to whether I am up to attending any event. Yes, I do need to rely on my local daughter and family to transport me to such things, and, yes, they often do tire me out. Wonderful way to get tired out!!!

Without such events to look forward to and to enjoy, I might just as well curl up and die now!!

Portmeanne, just another thought. I'm sure you wouldn't want to tell your mother she can't go. It would be so easy to simply take her with you, and hope for the best.

However, I think the best thing to do would be to find out as much as you can about the hotel, and the venue where the event is being held ...
Can you get her a room next to yours at the hotel?
Is there a walk-in shower, if she needs that?
Is there a lift at the hotel, and at the venue?
What are the seating arrangements ... will she be comfortable sitting on a chair/at a table for hours?
Will there be any comfortable seating/sofas where she would be able to relax?
If the event is a wedding, there will more than likely be lots of loud music & dancing later in the evening ... is she up to listening to all of that, and to be out until late into the night? And, if she needs to go back to the hotel earlier, can you easily get her a taxi, and would you be happy for her to go alone, or would you, or someone else have to go with her, and miss the rest of the evening with your family?

I'm sure you know what your mother is capable of, and once you have all of the information, you can put the all facts to her and ask if she really feels that she's up to it. If you don't think she is, then tell her your concerns, but if she does insist that she'll be OK, you need to point out to your siblings, or whoever else is telling you she should go, that they will also need to step-up and help out with the care of your mother. It wouldn't be fair for you otherwise.

Good post Nansnet.

I'm with maddyone on this, having been in the same situation ourselves, being invited to a family event, along with my father. My father lived alone, with only a little help from a daily care team, as he was fiercely independent. However, just because he lived independently, in his own home, didn't mean that it was easy for him to attend a family event. The logistics of it all were a nightmare ... for me! He sometimes lost his balance, and had nasty falls. He walked with a crutch, and struggled to get up/down stairs (we had a stairlift installed for him). He didn't handle long car rides well. He tired easily, and sometimes felt dizzy and would need to lie down. Whenever we took him out/to a restaurant, I was constantly on edge, not knowing if the chair would be right for him to be comfortable, and I would need to follow him to the toilet for fear that he would lose his balance ... although he always insisted that I didn't need to, but we've had too many trips back and forth to hospital to know otherwise! If there were any stairs to navigate, it was a nightmare. He always insisted he could manage, but it was me who always had the stress, worrying about him, and was never able to enjoy the occasion.

Our family event was a 2 hour car journey to a countryside location. We had to stay overnight, but the only hotel available close to the venue didn't have a lift, and the bathrooms didn't have a walk-in shower (impossible for my dad to get into a bath!). At the venue (a large converted barn), the welcome drinks were held in an upstairs lounge/bar area, with very little seating, and the toilets were all upstairs too (no lift). The dinner/evening entertainment was held downstairs, in the main barn. We had transport arranged to/from the hotel/venue. Had my father needed to leave early, getting a taxi to the remote location would've been difficult.

The OP states that her mother is frail, and she tires easily. She also states that she, and her siblings, provide most of her care, so one would assume that she needs help of some sort. With a long car journey, and an overnight stay in an unfamiliar hotel, I would say that the logistics of everything need to be taken into consideration. It is not just a simple matter of whether or not her mother would like to go to the event, or whether certain family members think she should go. The onus lies with whoever will have to make all of the travel/accommodation arrangements, and take care for her mother during the event, and that person will possibly not be able to enjoy the occasion themselves, due the stress it involves.

I never suggested to my father that he shouldn't attend our family event. On the contrary, I reserved a hotel room for him, and made all of the arrangements to take him with us. However, at some point before the event, he did decide for himself that realistically it would be too much for him, and declined the invite at the last minute. Having attended the event, I can say that it would've been a logistical nightmare for him ... and me!

Portmeanne, I would advise you to take everything into consideration. How much help does your mother require? Is she able to stand, if required. Is there somewhere she can sit/rest comfortably if she's feeling tired? Is the event going to be noisy (wedding?), and she prefers peace & quiet? Would she need assistance getting to the toilets ... where are they located? Can she easily get back to the hotel alone if need be, or will someone have to go with her (you?), and miss the rest of the event?

MissAdventure, I don't think it's a matter of it being outrageous and reducing an adult to being treated like a child. It's simply about being realistic. Unless people are in the same situation, or have experienced the same, it's very easy to assume that others are being selfish, and only thinking about themselves, and not their elderly relatives. I loved my father dearly, and would've done anything for him, but I also knew his capabilities, sometimes better than himself ... or rather, he wouldn't admit when something was too much for him. Of course, if the OPs mother can attend the event, and it doesn't cause any stress/problems to others, then by all means she should attend.

The mother lives alone, presumably managing with help, be that a little or a lot.
All the op has expressed is that such events take a lot out of her mum. (Meaning mum attends them)
So yes, I still think it outrageous to reduce an adult to being treated like a child.

If your mum wants to go and she is able to understand how it might make her feel then that is her decision. It is entirely wrong to assume total responsibility for an older adult if they are still compas mentis. My elderly and poorly dad attended my elder son’s wedding which was a three day affair and we hired a live in carer for him for the duration. It worked well. I’m glad he was there.

MissAdventure

It's outrageous to decide in someone else's behalf what risks they're "allowed" to take.

It’s not a matter of deciding what risks other people are allowed to take, it’s more a matter of deciding whether you can take the risks for yourself. Can you lift a heavy wheelchair into your boot, are you strong enough to catch the person if they fall, and can you get someone out of a chair if they are unable to get out themselves? I declined to take my mother out of her care home this Christmas. She cannot get in or out of a car and needs a taxi which can carry her in a wheelchair. She cannot get out of her wheelchair without two strong people almost lifting her out. She cannot get out of a normal easy chair without two strong people almost lifting her out. She can’t get off a dining chair without one person almost lifting her off it. She cannot use a toilet unless it has disability supports and she most certainly cannot walk into a toilet cubicle and turn herself around in order to sit down on the toilet. She gets tired very easily and most certainly cannot manage stairs in order to go and have a lie down. She spends most of her life in bed, she is 94 years old, and her mobility is extremely poor. She has help to go to the bathroom in her care home as she cannot manage it alone. This is in a purpose built care home, how on earth could she manage in a normal home?
Of course risks must be assessed! It’s not outrageous at all, it’s common sense.

Hmmmm, are some of the family close enough to know precisely how it would affect your mum ?

I mean, ppl who look in from a distance have no concept of A B and C and the elderly believe ( as we all do actually ) that we can do X Y and Z still when really, we can not. I used to take my mum and her wheelchair everywhere for the simple fact, i KNEW 100% how she would be ( i have no siblings so i had no one saying otherwise ) she came with us on 2 cruises, South of France 4 times, she was by my side all over the place, BUT only because I knew she absolutely revelled in it all and most importantly, she could manage the places we went to.

I would express your concerns to the ones who are saying otherwise, thats all you can do, you dont want it to turn into a fall out with anyone but you do have a right to air your concerns.

1 thing you dont want is - regrets.

THAT is an absolute HUGE HUGE burden to bare.

I hope everything turns out really good for you, for your precious mum..

I think maddyone raises some very good points. It’s all very well saying that mum should go and be part of the family event, but the care and responsibility often falls on others, not those doing the inviting.

When my husband was terminally ill and living in a nursing home he really enjoyed any outings we could manage. He was a paraplegic and strapped into a large tilt in space wheelchair by this time so as you can imagine it wasn't easy but we managed.

Each outing wore him out but he got so much pleasure and enjoyment that we practically moved heaven and earth to take him out now and again.

Similarly when he was dying I called all his friends to let them know so they could choose whether or not to pay him one last visit to say their goodbyes. By this time he was completely bed ridden. Each visit wiped him out but he got so much pleasure from them. Sometimes he would fall asleep whilst his visitors were there but they understood and would go for a coffee and a bite to eat and just drop in again for another few minutes before heading off home.

You don't say much about your mums mobility, just that she is frail and tires easily. I am sure that if you take the journey in easy stages it could be managed. She could sleep and rest in the car if you make her warm and comfortable. Instead of just one overnight stay on the day perhaps travel up the day before so she could get a good nights rest before the event.

I think you might regret denying her the opportunity to see family, especially as she has probably been isolating off and on for the last two years. And without being too blunt perhaps this could be her last chance. Maybe in her heart she knows this could well be her final goodbye to them.

You don't actually say when the event takes place, if it's within the next few weeks then obviously you need to take covid into account. However, if it's later in the spring then you have more time to work out a plan of action.

My advice is don't try and do it all yourself. Ask others to give you a helping hand.

It's outrageous to decide in someone else's behalf what risks they're "allowed" to take.

Portmeanne, it seems to me that now is not the time. If it were Summer, if Covid infections were low, the event outdoors - then maybe it would be sensible - but not right now, too risky!

I’m afraid I disagree with many of the posts. You have to consider her needs and your needs. So, can she be transported safely and is her transportation safe for you? Does she need a wheelchair? Can it go in the car and can she get in and out of the car safely? Can she get out of the wheelchair independently or do you need to haul her out, nearly putting your back out in the process? Can she sit in a normal chair or does she need a raised chair and if she does, is one available? Can she get out of the chair or do you need to haul her out, nearly putting your back out in the process. Is the venue accessible? Does she need the venue to be accessible? What about toilet facilities? Is she independently able to go to the toilet? Does she need assistance in the toilet? Is there somewhere to lie down or rest if she gets tired?
Don’t forget it’s also a family event for you. If you are reduced to the role of carer will you be able to enjoy the event? There’s a lot to consider before you agree to the role of carer for a frail, elderly person for two days and one night.